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    Old 12-08-2008, 02:38 PM   #1
    pepsigirl59
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    married but miserable

    I just wondered if there is anyone else out there that is in a marriage but is miserable? I have been married for 27 yrs but we were separated for over 8 months in which I fell in love with someone else. I decided to stay in the marriage for fear of losing custody of my kids. Has anyone else stayed in a marriage due to lack of financial support, or custody issues or no where to live or insurance? Im just curious!!

     
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    Old 12-08-2008, 03:41 PM   #2
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    Re: married but miserable

    Hi
    I can't say that I'm totally miserable because my husband is such a nice guy but I have not been happy for quite some time now. I am actually planning on divorcing him soon so that I can be with the man that I love. I've been having an affair for almost a year now and I hate myself for deceiving my husband and my loves wife, it's just not me. The thoughts of not being with the man I love are far worse, he lights up my life in so many ways. I can understand how you feel about the children, the insurance and the security but to me it is not worth the heartache to not be with him and I am lucky that I love to work and make good money at what I do. You need to do what is best for your situation but I have a question for you. Do you still see the man that you love?
    I wish you luck and I am sorry I know the pain you feel from being away from the man you love!
    WS

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 10:35 AM   #3
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    Re: married but miserable

    Well now I am more depressed. I so want to be with this man but its way too complicated. Like we both realized I would have lost everything including my kids and that was not something I could handle. Although I an VERY depressed and miserable without him I feel that I have no choice.
    Do you have any kids? If it werent for them I would of gone on with the divorce.
    My bf was retired and since he divorced his wife and lost half his retirement to her and would have had to pay for both of us he would have had to get a job and come out of retirement. My lawyer was very expensive and he just couldnt afford it anymore. The odds were against us in so many ways!
    I have been a SAHM for 27 yrs. I do housecleaning which pays fairly well but not enough to support myself or buy or rent a home. I live in a small town and there is nowhere here to live and it was likely I would have lost the house too. I couldnt imagine losing the kids and having to move out of town away from them.
    I am so miserable without my love but no we dont see each other anymore and it has almost killed me. We do have contact but very little. He thinks more contact like we had before would be too hard for me. He is rarely on the computer anymore like he used to be and thats how we mostly talked during the divorce process.
    So when are you planning the divorce? My husband was very violent so it was a nightmare. It involved restraining orders, arrests and much dirty language and lies and gossip and hurtful things which he unfortunately put thie kids in the middle of. I will never forgive him for the hateful things he did to them and how he involved them in every dirty arguement and lie he had. Hes a hateful horrible man.
    I am envious of you being with the man you love. Unfortunately wanting to be in my kids lives involves a sentence to hell!!

    Last edited by pepsigirl59; 12-09-2008 at 10:36 AM.

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 11:16 AM   #4
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    Re: married but miserable

    Pepsigirl, I am so sorry about all the stress you've been through. Are you still with your husband? You say that you clean houses. Can you support yourself on what you make. Are your kids still with you or are they on their own now?
    I hope that you can get away from your husband even if you don't get to be with the man you love. Your husband doesn't sound like a nice person.
    I don't understand why you would lose custody of your kids if you divorced. Shared custody is common nowadays. I wish you all the best.

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 11:24 AM   #5
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    Re: married but miserable

    Look, if your husband is abusive you need to leave bottom line. Plus, you aren't doing your kids any favors by staying in a relationship that makes you miserable. Do you have any documentation of your husband being abusive (verbal or physical) in the presence of the children? I understand feeling trapped and being afraid of the unknown, I've been there, however you still need to do what is best for you and your kids. Staying out of fear is never a good option. Can you get a job that could possibly support you and your kids? Keep in mind that unless you are an unfit mother, you will not lose custody of your kids. Joint custody, maybe, but why would you lose them altogether? I was extraordinarily broke going through a split but I still won sole custody. What about going back to school, or some sort of vocational training? There is a lot of support and help for financing an education. It may not be easy, but you can manage to support yourself and your kids. If employment, housing or education/training is not available in your small town, then maybe a move might be necessary, at least temporarily. That does not mean you need to leave the kids behind either. There should also be some sort of legal aid for abused/battered wives looking to get a divorce from their abuser. Check with a lawyer for a reference or call your local social services for a number/referral, there may even be a listing in the phone book or online.

    Please, seek your happiness and do not let your fears hold you back. You and your children deserve better. You only get one life to live, make the most of it. Good luck and keep us posted.

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 11:35 AM   #6
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    Re: married but miserable

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by negot View Post
    Pepsigirl, I am so sorry about all the stress you've been through. Are you still with your husband? You say that you clean houses. Can you support yourself on what you make. Are your kids still with you or are they on their own now?
    I hope that you can get away from your husband even if you don't get to be with the man you love. Your husband doesn't sound like a nice person.
    I don't understand why you would lose custody of your kids if you divorced. Shared custody is common nowadays. I wish you all the best.
    Yes were still together. No I dont think I can support myself with my cleaning. My kids are with us as we are together. Beleive me we went through the whole divorce process (me with 3 lawyers) and it got worse by the day. Due to the custody evaluator hating me she was recommending to the judge that my husband get sole legal and physical custody and my childhood home. She also recommended that since she felt I was mentally ill from the affair (we had a psych eval and unfortunately it didnt put me in a good light although no where did it say I was a danger to my kids) that if husband got custody (which he would have) that when he was at work I should not have them then either because I was not good for them to be around. It was all said and done and my lawyer even said so. There was nothing we could do to change the fact that I would lose custody. My husband didnt want me to have them at all if he could get away with it and he pretty much did thanks to that *****.

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 11:41 AM   #7
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    Re: married but miserable

    We went through all the right things and it went downhill for me and great for him. I cant go through all that again. No there is no evidence of abuse. He was mainly emotionally and mentally abusive. Yes I can leave and get a job and blah blah blah but at this time I am not able to support myself and am suffering from a deep depression of which I am seeking treatment for. Although I dodnt think its going to help. There is only one way I will ever get free from him is death. He will haunt me til the day one of us dies cause he is an evil selfish hateful person.
    I appreciate your advice but I am unable to leave him at this time. My kids are the world to me and I would never leave them. I dont feel I am harming them by us staying together. I fell like without us staying together we would have had minimal contact. According to the parenting plan in our area a couple weekends a month. I will not go for that EVER!!!

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 11:45 AM   #8
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    Re: married but miserable

    [QUOTE=niknak77;3817493]Look, if your husband is abusive you need to leave bottom line. Plus, you aren't doing your kids any favors by staying in a relationship that makes you miserable. Do you have any documentation of your husband being abusive (verbal or physical) in the presence of the children? I understand feeling trapped and being afraid of the unknown, I've been there, however you still need to do what is best for you and your kids. Staying out of fear is never a good option. Can you get a job that could possibly support you and your kids? Keep in mind that unless you are an unfit mother, you will not lose custody of your kids. Joint custody, maybe, but why would you lose them altogether? I was extraordinarily broke going through a split but I still won sole custody. What about going back to school, or some sort of vocational training? There is a lot of support and help for financing an education. It may not be easy, but you can manage to support yourself and your kids. If employment, housing or education/training is not available in your small town, then maybe a move might be necessary, at least temporarily. That does not mean you need to leave the kids behind either. There should also be some sort of legal aid for abused/battered wives looking to get a divorce from their abuser. Check with a lawyer for a reference or call your local social services for a number/referral, there may even be a listing in the phone book or online.

    Please, seek your happiness and do not let your fears hold you back. You and your children deserve better. You only get one life to live, make the most of it. Good luck and keep us posted.[/QUO

    It was either my kids or my happiness and I picked them. My lawyer even said my options would be better after the kids grew up cause he knew where things were going. This isnt something new this had been going on for over a year.

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 11:59 AM   #9
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    Re: married but miserable

    pepsigirl, I am really sorry about what you are going through. May I ask you how old your kids are? How do they feel about the situation in the house? Is your husband still abusive to you? There has to be a way out from you situation. Do you have any support (friends, family)?

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 12:52 PM   #10
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    Re: married but miserable

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by negot View Post
    pepsigirl, I am really sorry about what you are going through. May I ask you how old your kids are? How do they feel about the situation in the house? Is your husband still abusive to you? There has to be a way out from you situation. Do you have any support (friends, family)?
    My kids are 13 and 10. They wanted us to stay together as I asked them before we decided. My husband has been great, pretty much. Hes on anti depressants and he is much mellower. I have seen his temper with the kids a few times but he never hits them anymore thank heaven.
    As people have said here and I have heard before elsewhere....theres always a way out if you want to do it but I dont want to lose my kids and house so this is the decision I have made. I mainly posted here to get support from others as I have met a few online women who are going through what I am and arent going to leave either for the same reason as me.
    No I have no support. No family really and the couple friends I had went balistic after the affair I had. Small towns dont look happily on that kind of thing believe me! Thats mainly why I have stayed this long. I am hoping someday to get my depression and anxiety under control and get a job and maybe can go it alone when the kids are grown.

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 05:39 PM   #11
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    Re: married but miserable

    hi Pepsi girl

    i really feel for you at the moment, you have so much going on in your life no wonder you feel the way you do.. i think you are right in needing to sort your depression as while your feeling the way you do then it would be impossible for you to leave or go alone..

    i was in a very similar situation a few years ago, and sadly i did loose my home, my relationship was very abusive and i suffered terrible depression but i was unable to address any problems while i was feeling so low, by the abusive relationship, i seek ed medical help and was able to deal with the depression to a point where i had confidence in myself to start a fresh new life with my children, and with the right support given to be from dealing with the depression i did get away with my two children, we had a new home in a new town which was scary at first but i got through it, my children's happiness got me through it. i have never looked backed, they seemed like the worst years of my life, and i came through smelling of roses with my children and we are all happier than ever enjoying life...

    i really hope you can have the right support for your depression and I'm sure there's some sort of support for you and your children to get through this because you will.. it just takes time, thats all i can say for now, once your feeling better you will then be able to think very differently and make it on your own with your children, you don't have to wait till their older with the right help and support for you it can happen alot sooner than you realise, stay strong your children will keep you strong.

    if you have a chat with your GP he /she can help with depression and can advise you from there, you will have to be honest about how you feel and that you want to see someone about depression as there's reason's behind it all, relationship etc.

    Last edited by helen08; 12-09-2008 at 05:42 PM.

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 06:11 PM   #12
    Winterstorm
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    Re: married but miserable

    Pepsigirl
    I really feel for you with what you are going through, I don't even know how to advise you because our situations are so different. My husband is a very nice person and we will be very good to me and do whats best for the kids! I do have children boy 11, girl 7 and my baby boy is 4. I do worry about the struggles that they will go through with the divorce process, they love their father very much but I can't live a lie with my husband any longer. I'm planning on getting a divorce in Feb. or Mar, we're going to counseling so that we can get everything out on the table and end the marriage in the best possible way. My boyfriend is planning on getting a divorce at the same time and we will marry in a year or two, I need time to myself to get to know me again as a person without being married. I do love him so much, I didn't think I could feel or love like this and I can tell from what you write that you feel the same way that's why my heart hurts for you! I know what you're going through and I'm so sorry. You need to look into getting a job where your services are always needed like Health Insurance, Nursing, some type of sales. I am an Insurance Agent and make really good money and have good benefits and all I had to do was get my license which wasn't hard at all.
    I wish you luck and will continue to check in to see how you're doing!
    WS

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 08:39 PM   #13
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    Unhappy Re: married but miserable

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Winterstorm View Post
    Pepsigirl
    I really feel for you with what you are going through, I don't even know how to advise you because our situations are so different. My husband is a very nice person and we will be very good to me and do whats best for the kids! I do have children boy 11, girl 7 and my baby boy is 4. I do worry about the struggles that they will go through with the divorce process, they love their father very much but I can't live a lie with my husband any longer. I'm planning on getting a divorce in Feb. or Mar, we're going to counseling so that we can get everything out on the table and end the marriage in the best possible way. My boyfriend is planning on getting a divorce at the same time and we will marry in a year or two, I need time to myself to get to know me again as a person without being married. I do love him so much, I didn't think I could feel or love like this and I can tell from what you write that you feel the same way that's why my heart hurts for you! I know what you're going through and I'm so sorry. You need to look into getting a job where your services are always needed like Health Insurance, Nursing, some type of sales. I am an Insurance Agent and make really good money and have good benefits and all I had to do was get my license which wasn't hard at all.
    I wish you luck and will continue to check in to see how you're doing!
    WS

    Well its fortunate for you your husband is willing to be civil. Mine is not. He said he wanted to take the kids from me to get back at me for the affair I had. And since the custody evaluator agreed it was cut and dried. Apparently where I live the judge almost always goes with the eval. recomendation. I would have lost my kids and prob.my house. There is no way out for me unless I give up my kids which I am not going to do.
    I do envy you that you will get to be with the person you love. I dont think I will ever be able to do that. It may be hard for people here to understnad unless they know what has gone on for the past year and a half. Some think that its so easy to just get a lawyer and blah blah blah. Believe me I have done all that. It was over, there was no other way. I went through all the right channels......lawyer, domestic violence, monetary help, etc ect. It only went downhill and my lawyer and my bf all knew where we were headed. For some people there isnt an easy route to take. Yes they are always hard but you have to have hope as some of you here have had. I cant live without my kids, and at this point in time without a job. Sometimes things dont work out the way we hope.
    I appreciate your kind words and wish you all the best in your life. I know I have lost my bf forever and the life I so wanted with him and my kids. Sometimes life sucks and hurts. Maybe thats why there is so much mental health problems and suicide in this world.

     
    Old 12-09-2008, 08:46 PM   #14
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    Unhappy Re: married but miserable

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by helen08 View Post
    hi Pepsi girl

    i really feel for you at the moment, you have so much going on in your life no wonder you feel the way you do.. i think you are right in needing to sort your depression as while your feeling the way you do then it would be impossible for you to leave or go alone..

    i was in a very similar situation a few years ago, and sadly i did loose my home, my relationship was very abusive and i suffered terrible depression but i was unable to address any problems while i was feeling so low, by the abusive relationship, i seek ed medical help and was able to deal with the depression to a point where i had confidence in myself to start a fresh new life with my children, and with the right support given to be from dealing with the depression i did get away with my two children, we had a new home in a new town which was scary at first but i got through it, my children's happiness got me through it. i have never looked backed, they seemed like the worst years of my life, and i came through smelling of roses with my children and we are all happier than ever enjoying life...

    i really hope you can have the right support for your depression and I'm sure there's some sort of support for you and your children to get through this because you will.. it just takes time, thats all i can say for now, once your feeling better you will then be able to think very differently and make it on your own with your children, you don't have to wait till their older with the right help and support for you it can happen alot sooner than you realise, stay strong your children will keep you strong.

    if you have a chat with your GP he /she can help with depression and can advise you from there, you will have to be honest about how you feel and that you want to see someone about depression as there's reason's behind it all, relationship etc.

    Well it was fortunate for you you were able to leave with your kids. I would never have had that. I would of seen them maybe a couple weekends a month as the eval was even recommending to the court that I dont have them when husband is at work as its not good for them. So you see there is no other way for me to go.
    I hope I can deal with my depression but a pill or counseling isnt going to make me want to be married to this man. I cant stand him. Nothing can fix that. I dont see much hope right now. I am never going to fall back in love with him and have been a very dependent person my whole life. I have no family or friends. What happens in the future I dont know but I know I have lost my chance at happiness and may never get that again!

     
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