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TRP29 12-10-2008 05:34 PM

Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
I wrote before about my boyfriend of 5 years. We broke up for a couple weeks, he took a girl from work on a date. Now he says he wants to work things out with me.

Two nights ago he had me in tears with the things he was saying (good tears). He told me that he loves me more then anyone in the world, he wants me to move in with him etc.

Tonight he is cold & distant. He doesn't feel like hanging out with me. He is talking in his "mad voice". Returns my calls hours later. We ended last night on a good note. What gives?

THEN... after the above, on the SAME day. He calls, is being sweet & funny. Wants to pick me up after work.

It almost feels like he is playing different sides. He got a taste of single life, dating etc. and he liked it. HOWEVER, he doesn't want me to leave. I have been a stable part of his life for 5 years. When things are good with us, they are really good. He knows that I will be there when he needs me. He knows that I always put him first.

He STILL hasn't told the girl from work that him & I are back together. He says that it was only 1 date, he can't "break up" with her because they were never together & that doing so would make him uncomfortable. He says he rarely sees her & is never in her department. Today he tells me how her friend (another co-worker) gave him a hug today & said she needed to talk to him later on. My guess is it's about the girl he went out with. If I bring her up he gets mad. I have stopped asking questions about work.

I don't know if I can do this. I feel like he wants me to stick around & keep things open with her. He likes that she likes him. He likes the attention. He likes her. He doesn't want to loose me.

I don't want to play games. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think of just being the perfect girlfriend. Be available when he needs me, pretend like this doesn't bother me, go out of my way to do things for him. Then I think if I do this, make myself so available he will walk all over me. He holds the power. A friend told me to do the exact opposite. Make myself less available, show him that he WILL lose me if things continue like this.

He is hot one moment & cold the next. I feel like I am dealing with dual personalities. I don't think he knows what he wants. I am used to being the one "chased" in our relationship, now I just feel powerless.

Do I chase him? Do I back off?

Nutso 12-10-2008 05:51 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
There could be a couple of things going on here:
[LIST][*]He may be having problems at work--especially if he called you during or saw you shortly after work. [*]He may actually be playing both sides of the field--only you can really decide this one.[*]Don't assume every change in attitude is because of you. There's lot of things it could be aside from work. Maybe this girl is causing trouble for him at work now? Maybe he's having car trouble? Maybe he's scared of commitment--5 years and no ring pretty much says that to me, but maybe I'm wrong. [/LIST]
I hope that helps and good luck.

Kszan 12-10-2008 06:32 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
Hmm...If after 5 years he still hasn't proposed then I think it's time to walk. I mean, unless you're not after getting married, in which case, disregard. But if you ever want to get married then you need to cut your losses. He hasn't made up his mind in 5 years if he wants to get married then you'll have to wait 5 more years then 5 more then 5 more and next thing you know you'll be 40 and still not married. It's going to suck. So, I think you've got your answer right there.

Only give a guy 2 years max. If he hasn't made any inkling toward wanting to get married then it's time to walk. Don't live your life wasting it on guys who have no intention of getting married (if that's what you want) because you'll end up wasting precious time when you could have been back out there looking for a guy who actually wants to marry you (if that's what you're looking for).

negot 12-10-2008 10:11 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
Your boyfriend is being abusive to you. It is abusive to be hot/cold without the other person knowing why. If there is a problem, he should tell you, not punish you by being cold and distant. Maybe it is time to walk away from the relationship.

TRP29 12-10-2008 10:35 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
[QUOTE=Kszan;3818837]Hmm...If after 5 years he still hasn't proposed then I think it's time to walk. [/QUOTE]

We have talked about getting married but we are both still young 23 & 24. I am still in school & we decided that it would be best to wait until I graduate. I WOULD like to try living together. I live at home with my family & he lives alone. He has mentioned me moving in with him before but when it comes down to it he will say things like "you have it good at home", "it's more convenient for you to live at home" etc. It IS more convenient & I do have it good but I think us moving in together is an important step forward in our relationship.

TRP29 12-10-2008 10:55 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
I saw him tonight. We watched a movie, hung out. Things were good.

"She" text messaged him while I was there. Apparently she told another guy at work that she was going home to sit in her hot tub, he told my boyfriend this. My boyfriend gave her some extra paperwork to do that night (not by choice it's just how their jobs work). Her friend told him that "she" was mad at him for the extra work. He saw "her" later & said "sorry for ruining your hot tub plans". Her text said "You didn't ruin my plans". He didn't reply, at least not while I was there. He also told me he seen her yesterday that she was smiling at him, but he didn't talk to her.

The original work Christmas party was canceled but some of the younger people are planning a get-together next Saturday at a bar. "She" will be there. He tells me that he is going to take me. I have a feeling that he is either going to start a fight with me right before, tell me it was canceled or that he just doesn't want to go.

It drives me insane knowing he has "something" with a girl he works with. I do trust him. I just don't know if our safe, routine relationship can compete with something new, fun & fllirty. I know they flirt, I know he has a crush on her. Do I just accept that this is normal? People in relationships do flirt right? I know that I have flirted with a certain ex coworker, though I wasn't attracted to him at all, it was fun knowing he had a thing for me. I do know that in this situation that they are attracted to each other.

Mary83 12-11-2008 08:09 AM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
In my honest opinion, his behavior seems to be directly related to this other girl. He seems resentful towards you for breaking up with him, and now for him having to "give her up". That's the only explanation I can think of. He's confused and doesn't know what to do. He's obviously not ready to give her up yet, if he was, he could have told her that you two were back together. And if he was, he wouldn't be texting her anymore. He's frustrated and mad because he doesn't know what he wants, you or her, and he wants both. He can't have both, so his resentment and anger is coming out towards you.

That's just my opinion...

AnnD 12-11-2008 08:55 AM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
Would you agree that This relationship only lasted this long because you allowed it? you allowed him to be this strange dual personality? with his 'mad voice' or whatever? From those of us listening to this can see a clear picture of an abusive man. Something isn't right with him...does he drink too much or do drugs or does he have a mental health issue? Anyway you slice it he just isn't normal and it isn't your job to figure out what it is...would you want to bring a baby into this world with him? You have given him 5 years of your life and he is still hurting your feelings and twisting you all up in knots?...what is there to chase or even wait for? The problem is you have lowered your standards so low that pretty much he is walking ON you yes? I know he is a comfortable person because you know him but did you know that this is not how the love of your life is suppose to behave. Give yourself a year without any contact with him...give yourself a chance to grow as a woman. Good luck. You will make someone a very good wife but this guy isn't looking for a good woman he is looking for someone he can belittle and control. Let him go.

happymom28 12-11-2008 01:06 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
Honestly, I don't believe for one minute that work party was "cancelled". I think he just doesn't want you to go.

He asked you to give him the benefit of the doubt to talk to her on Monday (3 days ago) and you did. He broke his end of the bargain. I would tell him "it's her or me" and mean it. If he wants you so badly then it will be an easy choice no matter how awkward it would make things at work. If he still protests then you know there is unfinished business there between them and in that case you are better off letting him go. You deserve better than that.

TRP29 12-11-2008 01:46 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
[QUOTE=happymom28;3819600]Honestly, I don't believe for one minute that work party was "cancelled". I think he just doesn't want you to go. [/QUOTE]

It was canceled. They cut back funding & asked everyone to pay an obscene amount to go. There wasn't enough people willing to pay the amount they were asking for so they canceled it. One of my good friends is dating someone from the same company. He did tell me about this employee arranged get-together, if he wasn't planning on taking me wouldn't he have just not told me about it? Made up plans with someone else & gone alone?

[QUOTE=happymom28;3819600]He asked you to give him the benefit of the doubt to talk to her on Monday (3 days ago) and you did. He broke his end of the bargain. I would tell him "it's her or me" and mean it. If he wants you so badly then it will be an easy choice no matter how awkward it would make things at work. If he still protests then you know there is unfinished business there between them and in that case you are better off letting him go. You deserve better than that.[/QUOTE]

This bothers me. He promised to talk to her Monday. I asked him on Monday he said he didn't see her. I asked him Tuesday, he said he didn't see her. Wednesday night he tells me that he did see her Tuesday. That she smiled & waved at him. He also saw & spoke to her Wednesday but no mention of the things he promised to say. Now her friends are trying to talk to him, my guess is to ask why he has been ignoring her. Also if we do end up going to this employee party won't it be weird if we show up together & he introduces me as his girlfriend? He told her when we were broken up for less then 2 weeks that we had been broken up for a month. He has never mentioned to her that we are back together & then we show up at a party together?

He gets mad if I ask about her. Asks me why I bring her up. Yet he will bring her up. I did at one point tell him that he doesn't have to talk to her about us if he doesn't want. I said that hoping he would. Almost like a test. He failed.

Redneon82 12-11-2008 01:59 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
Reverse psychology seldom works on men. They prefer to take what we say at face valeu, especially if they don't like the alternative. That's why they (and we) hate it when men ask us what's wrong and we say sarcastically "nothing!" thinking they should know we don't mean it.

Don't tell him things are fine if they aren't. He's not going to try to figure out that you really aren't fine, he'll just bring it up later when you get upset ("you said things were fine!").

Tell him what you really think and feel. If he still won't talk to her about the two of you, there's your answer.

And BTW, who cares if it's awkward for him to take you to the get-together? It shouldn't be if things are really over between him and "her".

happymom28 12-11-2008 02:58 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
Okay, so the event was legitimately cancelled. Sorry! :( The reason why he told you is because he knew you would find out through your friend. He thought he was doing the "good" thing. My exhusband lied about a Christmas party and said to me no spouses were allowed due to cutbacks. I found out later he lied and wnet alone in order to hang out with a coworker, one of many he cheated on me with.

So he also lied to her about how long you were broken up? What is wrong with him? He obviously wants to have it both ways and you can't allow that. You need to tell him to do whatever it is he needs to do. Tell him he can't have you both. He either chooses or you are making the choice for him and walk away. Don't be a doormat!

If he does take you to this other party you go with your head held high and watch how he is with her and her friends. Talk to them and act as if they are any other coworker. You did nothing wrong. He is the one being all secretive.

He needs to get his head out of his butt quickly. Yes, you are the one that broke up and initially caused this chain of events. But he is the one that said he wanted to be with you and would end things with her. It's time he does the right thing and sticks to his word. If he can't do that then maybe the break up was the right thing after all.

helen08 12-11-2008 06:14 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
hi there

Ive been reading all the posts to catch up on things and i just wanted to say that he says he wants you to go with him to the party and he knows she will be there, then i think that if he takes you there where she will be then he's proving in a way thats it you he wants to be with, he knows she will be there and if lets just say he wanted to keep options open with her he knows that taking and introducing his g/f is telling her I'm with someone!!!! and here she is..... and you must hold your head up high enjoy yourself and watch how he and she behave. if he's not interested in her he won't bother with her.

by time he next goes into work she will know that he has g/f and from whatever you have observed that night you will know if he is interested in her or playing the field. if he follows through and takes you with no excuses or trying to cause an argument so you don't go then you will know that he has no problem of keeping you in the quiet..... because if he was interested in her i would have thought the last thing he would do is take his girlfriend.

good luck and if you go then make sure you look stunning with big smiles, and let her know he's your man. also be firmer with him don't take his crap you deserve better than that.:)

TRP29 12-11-2008 08:35 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?

We made plans for tonight. He came over & then told me while on his way over he made other plans with his friends for later on. Basically he wanted to come by for an hour or two & then leave to be with friends. This is not ok. I told him this. He started going on about how I am controlling. I never said he couldn't hang out with his friends, I ENCOURAGE him to do so but not when he has plans with me.

I also asked him about work & more specifically "her". He talked to her again today. I brought up his promise to stop talking to her & to tell her about me & him. He again said that it was only 1 date how is he supposed to break up with her etc. We talked for awhile. I told him that it feels like he is leaving a window open with her "just in case". He adamantly denied this. Later on he admitted that it was true. He has doubts about us. He thinks about the what ifs with her etc. He has only ever been in a relationship with me, what if the grass is greener on the other side. He has only ever been with 1 other girl besides me sexually, he sometimes wonders what other girls are like.

I told him that I can't do this anymore. If he has doubts we can't be together. I can't live like this, not knowing, not trusting, insecurities, the hot & cold. He tells me again that he DOES want to be with me. He will talk to her on Monday. I heard this last week. It never happened. I can't let him walk all over me. I can't. It sucks.

I told him this needs to end. He tells me he is stuck. He wants to be with me, doesn't want to loose me but wants to explore other people, another life. I told him to go. That this is over. That it isn't fair for me to be with someone with all these doubts. I told him it's not right for him either. If you aren't sure, do something about it. He asked me to "wait for him". I told him no. He asked to be my friend. I told him no. I don't want to hear about what he is doing with other girls. It hurts too much. He then tells me that he doesn't want to break up. He will talk to her Monday, he will do "what I want". I can't. The doubts are there. They aren't going to disappear unless he explores them. His doubts are causing doubts in me too. I hate this hot & cold stuff. One minute everything is perfect, the next he is distant and even mean. I can't do it.

He left. He calls me on his way home asks me to go to lunch tomorrow & talk about it. I asked if I could get back to him on his offer, after I let the emotions subside. He said no. I have to answer him NOW. Even after he screwed with me, one minute he wants me the next he doesn't, I have to choose on the spot. I chose. I said no. Now in his mind it is me giving up on us. He made the last effort. I declined. It is how he works. If he is the "victim" he can move on better.

Thats it. IT'S OVER. I feel like I made a horrible mistake. He has someone lined up, an active social life to keep him busy. I have nothing. The person I love has doubts about us. The person I love will in a matter of time be hanging out with & having a relationship with someone else.

What do I do now??? Do I call him on Christmas? Do I jump & answer the phone if he calls? Do I call him? Ever? Do I wait around for a few months & then call him? Do I hold on to hope? Do I move on?

I have given up most of my friendships for him. He didn't like my friends. Even said horrible things about them to other people which got back to them. I pretty much have one friend left after our 5 year relationship. She has a great boyfriend, other friends, a job, a life. I have nothing right now. I want to date other people. I feel like if I sit around missing him that I am torturing myself. Where does a friendless girl go to meet guys? How do I even start dating again? I feel like this is something I need to do, I just don't know how to do it.

I love him. Did I do the right thing letting him go? What if he comes back? How do I take him back? It was hard knowing he kissed another girl, what is it going to be like in a few months when it's more then a peck on the cheek?

Please help! I feel so lost!

TRP29 12-11-2008 11:27 PM

Re: Boyfriend hot & cold. So confused?
Sooo... He just called me now. Telling me how much he loves me & doesn't want to break up. He asked me to go for lunch with him tomorrow. Heres the thing, he has court tomorrow at 9am (traffic court). I said I would go to lunch with him around 11. 11 is no good for him. At first he says he has to go downtown and pick up some car part for a friend. THEN he changes his story to he has to get his oil changed. I suggest 12. That doesn't work because he is going home after to sleep for a bit. He says 2 or 3. I agree to 2. "She" doesn't start work until 3. Now I am questioning if his story changes are because he has plans with her?? I hate being jealous & I hate that I am having trouble trusting him. Why is he being so secretive?

I tell myself it's over then I agree to meet him for lunch. Of course lunch is on HIS terms, his restaurant, his time etc. I just don't get it! If he wants to be with her, has all these doubts why not just LEAVE ME ALONE?? Why string me along for the ride?? If he wants to be with me like he says he does then why can't he tell her & close the door?? What is the appeal in keeping your old girlfriend around & starting something new? Is it like a safety net? I am not the one pushing this here, HE IS! He calls me, he needs me, loves me etc. then he is cold, mean & ditches me for friends. Now I have myself questioning whether "friends' is a code word for "her"?? I heard him on the phone, it was a guy... but the question lingers. Why is he torturing me? I almost feel like I have to let him break my heart, run it over a few times & beat it with a sledge hammer before I can let go. All this mistrust and secrets have put me into spy mode, I don't want it to be like this. I have thoughts about driving by his house early tomorrow, but what good will that do me? I have caught him in lies, yet I can't let go. A huge part of me wants to trust him, wants to believe that things will go back to the way they were.

UGH!! Whats wrong with me??

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