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  • How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

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    Old 12-29-2008, 02:06 PM   #1
    MrZeely
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    How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    I am 20, she is 18. We've been together for a year and nine months.

    But i have a huge problem, whenever guys check her out or hit on her, i feel such a rush of insecurities and other problems. She handles it really well, and doesnt go along with it. But to me, it really kills me. I feel really insecure about our relationship, then i start to hate the way i look more than i already do, and then i just get really mad. Sometimes i even take it out on her, and i always apologize for it because she has no control over it.

    The problem comes from our rough start to the relationship, and my already low self esteem. She is gorgeous, and im honestly pretty ugly. So you can imagine that i rarely (if ever) received any kind of attention in my life.

    I know the right way to think is that i should feel good that other people want her, and i should feel good that she has been mine for a year and nine months, and that means something, and she isnt going along with the things they say.

    I know that is the RIGHT way to think, but when the situation occurs, the problem is really bad for 10 minutes, and then lingers on for an hour or two more. Is there any way to make this not bother me? I know all the ways i should see it, but when the time comes, i can never handle it right.

     
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    Old 12-29-2008, 04:39 PM   #2
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    I kind of think this is why people date other people who are kind of their "equal" as far as looks. You look at 'most' couples, and you will rarely find a so-called "10" with a "2". Your relationship in general, Lazer, shows why. Your beautiful girlfriend wouldn't be with you if she judged you for your "ugliness" as you refer to it. But you cannot get past the fact that she is beautiful and it adds to your extreme insecurity. Yet you probably wouldn't feel this way if you dated someone who was more on par with you as far as looks, yet you would both likely find each other attractive. You just either have to learn to deal with it or realize that you can't handle being in a relationship with this girl. Or, channel your insecurity into bettering yourself, because I know I"m a believer that no one is truly ugly, there are many things you can do to make yourself more attractive inside and out. Think about the things you dont' like about yourself and how you can improve them.

     
    Old 12-30-2008, 09:52 AM   #3
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    Deal with it quickly or you will drive her away. There is nothing less attractive to either gender then someone who is jealous for no reason. Think of it this way... why are you being so superficial? Are looks everything? By acting this way you are telling her that there must be something wrong with HER because she's made this huge mistake being with you because you don't look good enough. I've dated men that were extremely handsome and they've been jerks and I've dated men that aren't great looking at all and they've been wonderful. If you base your life on looks you are going to lose this woman. She's with you for a reason - and remember this "Looks don't mean crap if what's inside is ugly. Enjoy the fact that you have an attractive girlfriend and when men are looking at her its you shes chose to be with. If you keep this up - she's going to drop you - she will get sick of it.

    p.s. I have a friend who is an exmodel and she only dates guys that are short and have large noses... that's what she finds attractive. Beauty is truly in the mind of the beholder.

     
    Old 12-30-2008, 12:23 PM   #4
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    I doubt that you are "ugly"....after all, a beautiful girl has been with you for a long time! She wants YOU.....that says something for you!! Besides the truth is that most women do not date someone because of looks....don't bring us down to your mans level. Men go for looks, women for substance!! You got it man! OR you've got something that has kept her around even though she has had other offers!! You must be doing something right!

    Mileena

     
    Old 12-30-2008, 06:30 PM   #5
    MrZeely
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    I guess another part of it is that she usually gets the persistent guys after her. If its just some guy doing it once, or just some guy looking, thats one thing. But when its one guy who tries very hard or more than once, thats when it REALLY bothers me. I can typically get over the others pretty quickly. But when she gets those persistent guys i just cant take it.

     
    Old 12-31-2008, 06:53 AM   #6
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    Persistant of not - it's not her seeking them out so for you to be even the slightest bit angry with her is totally wrong for you do. You have to get that through your head. For you to act event the slightest bit mad at her if some guy is being a total flirt TO HER has nothing to do with her. If some girl was being a total flirt to you and you did nothing to bring that attention on - and then she got ****** off at you all the time - how would you feel? Would you want to be with someone that was mad at you all the time when you did nothing wrong?

    Don't punish this woman because shes attractive or punish her because of what OTHER people are doing because whatever your reason is for being jealous it has NOTHING to do with her.

    You have a decision to make - do you want to keep this woman in your life OR do you want to drive her away.

    Next time some guy is being overly flirtatious, simply put your arm around her and kiss her - then the guy will know she is taken. Show her affection instead of punishing her. And always keep in the forefront of your mind how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and she was angry at you when you did nothing wrong.

     
    Old 12-31-2008, 09:03 AM   #7
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    Here's a different view of her relationships with her friends,exes and her past actions towards sex.

    Maybe the only way she knew a relationship should be was about sex, talking about sex, bragging about sex.
    Then came you. She is with you because your different than the guys she knows.
    Remember, it's a learning process. She is young.

    Stop with the jealous and controlling nonsense. You think any other woman doesn't have guys come on to them?

     
    Old 12-31-2008, 09:29 AM   #8
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    you need to try to find a way to not let this bother you it will only lead to breakup.
    Try to think when that happens ''its ok boys she 's my pie'' I'm the luckly one here , you ever think them poor bastards can't get a g/f and just hang out and when they see a hot chick they hit on her, thats just what most single guys do....THERE CALLED PLAYERS!

    If I was you I would be very proud of her for being like she is with them, that shows she knows who she Loves ....>YOU.....most girls loves the attition anyway and in your situation I think this is all harmless.....unless you make it out to be something thats not there.
    Relax and don't let this bother you so much...if she is as beautiful as you say your going to have to go through this all yuor life with her..so why not just let it go and get that old jelously insecurity feeling out of your heart and move forward.
    I wish you the best with it.

     
    Old 12-31-2008, 09:39 AM   #9
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    I've had that same thing happen. My guy and I have been at events, and a couple of his fellow participants (he's an athlete) have actually told HIM that they were going to take me away from him, and one actually had the nerve to say to him "I want your girl". He did become very upset, but I told him "hey, I'm here with YOU, I'm going home and going to bed with YOU and I don't want anyone else". That seemed to diffuse the situation.

    How does she react when these annoying guys hit on her? Does she politely deflect them, does she tell them to take a hike, does she throw her arms around you and say no thanks, I'm with him? Because it seems like, after all the times you've posted about this same issue, that she's still with you...and it must be because she wants to be.

     
    Old 01-01-2009, 06:36 AM   #10
    MrZeely
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    See i USED to be controlling, and i very rarely get mad at her anymore. In fact, it happened yesterday, and pretty badly. It was one of those situations where this isnt a single thing i can do except bite my tongue and forget about it.

    When we are out in public, its a lot easier for me to just put my arm around her, kiss her, etc, to get the guys to back off. But she said so i dont feel like she is hiding anything, she can let me know when someone comes on to her and how she handles it. And we work together, so i've seen her in action plenty of times. She does it very well, if its not bad she politely ignores it and acts uninterested, but if it begins to get bad she will basically walk away, or if she HAS to be there (for example work), then she talks about her boyfriend all the time and how great things are with us.

    And Realguy, you're completely right. Thats how her mentality used to be, and i was with her through it at first. You're completely right, and she told me many times thats the case. But its difficult trying to feel special, when the only thing i heard was stuff she has done with other guys, and etc. But im on the way to recovering, slowly but surely. When guys come on to her it doesnt bother me nearly as much (i used to be awful), im not controlling, neither is she, we dont say things to hurt each other anymore. Its a million times better, and it only keeps getting better.

    But whats weird is that a long time ago, when i had past relationships (which were very short, not serious at all, and i was ultimately used in one way or another), i never cared when guys came on to them. At all. But i know i actually care about her this time (every other time i was in the relationship because i needed to feel normal during high school). Let alone, early on in THIS relationship, i didnt care when guys came on to her either. But i think it was the rough start to the relationship that brought on this problem.

    You guys think i can heal it completely? I've come a super long way so far.

     
    Old 01-01-2009, 07:24 AM   #11
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    Best way is to talk to a shrink to find out why you have, even though you say you're better then before, jealousy issues.

    Also - if you put her feelings and how you will hurt her by being jealous OVER your own feelings (which are misplaced) then you'll have a better chance of getting through this.

    When you feel you're about to lose it with her think about how you would feel if she lturned around and said "I have had enough" and walked out the door forever because of a situation driven by irrational fears. Hopefully it will be enough for you to make these changes even stronger.

     
    Old 09-15-2009, 10:41 AM   #12
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    Re: How to deal with insecurities when guys come onto my girlfriend?

    Lazer,

    honestly those guys are always going to be around, especially in your case. Being a guy i automatically feel like going and doing something rather regretful when those situations occur. ill share two scenarios with you and it proved to me the right course of action is nothing. The first one, a persistence guy as in your case, i ended up in a fight with him, and it did not do anything in my favor whats so ever. she was upset that i was fighting, i gave the guy too much attention which intern gave him power. that relationship ended shortly after which lasted about a year. Now i am with this amazing girl for 5 months, and she had the same problem with those guys when i first met her. I did nothing, she is a grown women and if she is a respectable girl and knows how to handle situation which gives her the tools to handle it herself. those guys are no longer a problem because she payed no attention to the little boys that wanted it. like everyone else here is saying, just enjoy it and don't be so hard on her, it all comes down to trust. we all have issues with relationships, its a work in progress, best of luck

     
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