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  • Is my friend in abusive/controlling relationship? Are these the signs of control?

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    Old 12-31-2008, 05:02 AM   #1
    Just-A-Boy
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    Question Delete This Post

    Moderator please delete this post.

    Thank you again for those that have responded. I do appreciate your opinions and comments.

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    Old 12-31-2008, 05:30 AM   #2
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    Re: Is my friend in abusive/controlling relationship? Are these the signs of control?

    It depends on how far your friend want to take it. Very very sad. This girl sounds academically brilliant, and could write her own ticket anywhere, but she's very relationship and life stupid and will most likely end up throwing it away. Unfortunately she will probably have to learn this lesson the hard way. When all her friends are gone, and she has nothing left in her life but this crazy man, and she's miserable, maybe after a few years of marriage and a baby or two, she will realize the grave grave mistake she made and will be able to get her life back on track. But he sounds very verbally abusive, and if it's true that he killed a man, or even if he thinks that kind of thing is supposed to be cool, then it's probable that he will become physically abusive as well.

    there's not a lot you can do when the Oxytocin starts coursing through a woman's veins, it hits some women like heroin. He's her heroin. Yolu could gather her friiends and family and stage an intervention of some kind. Tell her the changes you see, tell her your fears and what she's throwing away, etc. I'm not sure it would help, but at this point it couldn't hurt. But aside from that, all you can really do is tell her it's her decision and she will have to live with the consequences and if she's truly happy with him, if he makes her smile and makes her happy and brightens her life and makes her feel good about herself and helps her achieve her goals in life, then that's all that matters. Maybe that will make her think. But again, she could just be one of these women who just has to learn the hard way. Hopefully it won't be too hard.

     
    Old 12-31-2008, 06:48 AM   #3
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    Re: Is my friend in abusive/controlling relationship? Are these the signs of control?

    At this point, all you can do is make sure she knows that if she wants to get out, you will help her get out safely, give her a place to stay for a short time if necessary, etc.

     
    Old 12-31-2008, 08:37 AM   #4
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    Re: Is my friend in abusive/controlling relationship? Are these the signs of control?

    It sounds to me like it has the potential to be an abusive relationship. It already kind of is, but it could be a lot worse. It's typical in abusive relationships for the guy to separate and alienate the girl from her own life. He seems to be wanting to do that. Telling her to leave her apt and friends, marry him and move to China with him, etc. He seems to be attempting to phase out any part of "her" so that all she has is him. They do that because it's a way of controlling, not to mention it's MUCH harder to leave someone (even if they are bad to you) if they are all you have and you have no one or nowhere to turn to.

    However, there isn't really much you can do. You can of course express your concerns, but when it comes down to it, it's her life and she'll make her decisions and mistakes. Maybe you can sit down with her and have a heart to heart about it. Don't be accusing, just let her know that you are genuinely concerned for her safety and well being.

     
    Old 12-31-2008, 09:53 AM   #5
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    Re: Is my friend in abusive/controlling relationship? Are these the signs of control?

    Please don't embarass her again by telling everyone the "truth"....this isn't going to help and you are pushing her away. You need to let her know, in private that if and when this relationship fails she can call on you for help and you will be there. Then step back and let this woman make the mistakes she is hell bent on making. You are right....you cannot help someone who won't help themselves.

    Mileena

     
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