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  • Does this sound like love?

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    Old 01-04-2009, 02:51 PM   #1
    insightpls
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    Does this sound like love?

    If a guy met a women, and he was like 31 and moved into HER place for around 2 years, and drove HER knew car. Then married her, and as soon as they got married they moved into a house owned by HER elderly parents, and she had two older kids that are not his, and they never plan to have kids of their own, does that sound like love?

    What's wrong with this situation? Something about it just doesn't sound right.

     
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    Old 01-04-2009, 03:01 PM   #2
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    Re: Does this sound like love?

    How old is the woman? Do they say they love each other? Is he a non-working bum, or have a low-paying job? What does he do for her? How does he get along with her children? Is the elderly parents home a huge palatial mansion, or a small trailer in a run-down trailer park. These things would be good to know.

     
    Old 01-04-2009, 03:04 PM   #3
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    Re: Does this sound like love?

    The women is about the same age. The house is older, not expensive. Her parents got him an easy, "down the street" hometown job where he doesn't do much, or make much.

    It just seems like he was thinking, "oh, here's a girl who makes quite a bit of money, drives a knew car, has a house I can live in, and I won't even have to raise any kids, or get a real job sinse I can work an easy 'do nothing' job right down the street".

    If a guy gets with a girl who does all of this for him, is it coincidence? It's seems quite opportunistic. He doesn't tell her he loves her as far as I know.

    Last edited by insightpls; 01-04-2009 at 03:23 PM.

     
    Old 01-04-2009, 03:16 PM   #4
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    Re: Does this sound like love?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by insightpls View Post
    If a guy met a women, and he was like 31 and moved into HER place for around 2 years, and drove HER knew car. Then married her, and as soon as they got married they moved into a house owned by HER elderly parents, and she had two older kids that are not his, and they never plan to have kids of their own, does that sound like love?

    What's wrong with this situation? Something about it just doesn't sound right.
    There doesn't necesarrily need to be anything wrong with this picture. Like I said in your other post, I think it's mostly your wishful thinking. He's married, and you know, it doesn't even matter why. He's made his choice, for whatever reason, and you can't un-make up his mind for him. He's done what he wanted to do, and that's that.

     
    Old 01-04-2009, 03:25 PM   #5
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    Re: Does this sound like love?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    There doesn't necesarrily need to be anything wrong with this picture. Like I said in your other post, I think it's mostly your wishful thinking. He's married, and you know, it doesn't even matter why. He's made his choice, for whatever reason, and you can't un-make up his mind for him. He's done what he wanted to do, and that's that.
    Well, I never plan on doing anything about it. I'm just trying to gain insight, enquiring minds want to know.

     
    Old 01-04-2009, 03:29 PM   #6
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    Re: Does this sound like love?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by insightpls View Post
    Well, I never plan on doing anything about it. I'm just trying to gain insight, enquiring minds want to know.
    I know, I understand the need for understanding and closure. But I found out the hard way from my own situation that sometimes, there is no such thing. There are no answers, at least not the kind that make any of it any easier.

    A few years ago I was going through the same thing you are now. Wanting some kindo f explanation, some kind of reason why he did such a 180, why he bent or broke all of his precious moral and religious rules for her when he wouldn't budge an inch on any of them for me, why he'd rather help raise her ex husband's kids part time rather than have his own full time kids with his face and his name, with me, etc. Everyone here told me I would have to get my own closure on my own, and give up on any notion of ever getting any answers from him. As much as I wasn't prepared to hear it then, it turned out to be true.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-04-2009 at 03:31 PM.

     
    Old 01-04-2009, 04:06 PM   #7
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    Re: Does this sound like love?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    I know, I understand the need for understanding and closure. But I found out the hard way from my own situation that sometimes, there is no such thing. There are no answers, at least not the kind that make any of it any easier.

    A few years ago I was going through the same thing you are now. Wanting some kindo f explanation, some kind of reason why he did such a 180, why he bent or broke all of his precious moral and religious rules for her when he wouldn't budge an inch on any of them for me, why he'd rather help raise her ex husband's kids part time rather than have his own full time kids with his face and his name, with me, etc. Everyone here told me I would have to get my own closure on my own, and give up on any notion of ever getting any answers from him. As much as I wasn't prepared to hear it then, it turned out to be true.
    Was there free rent involved with the women with kids? Easier financially? A women with 3 kids may get a lot of child support, or social security. In addition, it's a fact she would get huge tax returns each year. It would be thousands. Maybe as much as 10 grand a year or more, cash, to do whatever they want with. That might have a lot to do with it. She may have gotten a paid for house with the divorce. That would mean free rent for your ex. Just a thought. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you.

    A lot of my trouble comes from social norms and what's really love. When I was 18 and he was 20, we had had a thing for each other for several years, since like 14 and 16, but (like the song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, yes I know it's a silly song but it rings true, and I'm being sort of sarcastic since it definately wasn't as simple as the song) my "daddy said stay away from Juilet". And unlike the song, when my guy brought it up, about wanting to go out with me, but was afraid my dad would kill him, I didn't beg him "please don't go". I told him it wasn't a good idea. He subsequently tried to keep other guys away from me for several years, like he wanted to date me first, and didn't want me to go out with anyone else.

    Then we dated the summer before I started college and while I was in college. When my dad found out "we WERE both dead". Likd the song, but "he didn't meet me on the outskirts of town and tell me he talked to my dad, go get a white dress". He was afraid to talk to my dad. But it seemed like he was about to ask me to move in with him, until my dad went nuts.

    Basically, he had no car, and only did odd jobs, had no real job, and lived at home with his parents. I really, really liked him, he was so sweet. Unfortunately, successful guys have never been so sweet. But my dad would NEVER have stood for me having to "pick" him up for dates, and help him find a job. So when my dad found out it was basically over. I wasn't allowed to go against social norms, and my father would NEVER have provided a place for a guy to stay with me, the guy was supposed to do that. But then, I was never a single mom, whose parents were desperate to get married off, and find someone to accept me and 2 kids.

    I easily found someone else, and I have a child with him. He works and provides just like my daddy wanted for his daughter, however, he's never been quite as sweet as my 1st love, he's always been more controlling and not as much fun.

    Was it really my dad's right to decide for me who, or what was best for me? Are guys YOU DO things for, less controlling and more accepting than guys who are providers? Are they really opportunistic? Does the provider care more for you? Is it really fair?


    Maybe I'm just trying to reason, did my dad do me a favor? Or mess up my life? Am I really better off now? Why was someone else "allowed" to date him and marry him, and I wasn't?

    My only closure is to undertand why I wasn't "allowed", but this women was "allowed" and her parents accepted and provided for my ex, whereas my dad wouldn't have ever accepted him. I know it's been 14 years ago now. But we have very mutual friends who have been kind enough to tell me all about it, and have even mentioned what he said when they were "talking" to him, and he expressed interest in seeing me, why? He's married now, and I don't want to see him. If he wanted me, he should have had the back bone and not have been afraid of my father, but he didn't, and now I have no interest to be honest. My friends have acted like they think I would like to see him and tried to get us togther, but I'm not going to see a married guy, and I have a child with someone else. I dont' understand why he would even try after getting married 2 years ago?

    I don't harbor any feelings that we should get back together. We have seperate lives now, and I'm a different person now and it's too late. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I wish I hadn't missed out on things so long ago, even if we did break up eventually, I wish we could have at least dated and been allowed to date back then. It would be nice to have those memories, which I dont' have and will never get since I wasnt' allowed to date him in highschool, and only for a short while after high school.

    Last edited by insightpls; 01-04-2009 at 04:53 PM.

     
    Old 01-04-2009, 05:32 PM   #8
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    Re: Does this sound like love?

    Does everyone think this is totally stupid now?

    If you think it's so stupid, why did I catch my husband on a highschool website writing "love you guys" under a photo of his highschool girlfriend and her friend from a recent reunion?

    In addition to this, I found an email where he had emailed her and she emailed him back. He also used the word "love" in the email. She's been married with 2 kids for 14 years.

    In addition to this, they broke up at the same time my ex and I broke up. Except my ex was 2 years older when we broke up, then my husband was when he broke up with this girl he so obviously thinks he still loves or something. I also found emails where his old highschool friends emailed him a message that his highschool girlfriend had a message for him, and were asking him if he got it.

    Last edited by insightpls; 01-04-2009 at 05:32 PM.

     
    Old 01-04-2009, 07:44 PM   #9
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    Re: Does this sound like love?

    No, insight, it's not stupid. I'm sorry you feel you missed out and your life isn't as happy as it could have been.

    I don't think your dad is totally wrong, I must say, as far as not wanting to have some young man move in and have to take care of him, help him find a job or give him a job, etc.

    You've got a lot to sort out. I think if you were really that over it all and didn't have any feelings left for the ex, you wouldn't be here. But I think the more immediate issue is you rmarriage. If you're not happy in it, then work on it. Tell your husband what you want, and how you feel about how he treats you and what you would like to change and how. And ask him straight out, not in an accusatory manner, but just as a matter of clarity, what's going on with this ex girlfriend. Perhaps counseling will help you communicate better and get to a place where you can find some happiness.

    But no, I think there are independent men who can stand on their own who aren't controlling, and unsuccessful men who are controlling, and vice versa. I don't think it's either or. Find a way back to the ex or stay stuck in an unhappy marriage with the man you resent because your dad forced him on you. Those aren't your only two choices in life.

     
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