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gmp377 01-06-2009 10:00 PM

Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
[I]Hello All,

I don't know if I am looking more for advice, support, or just an understanding ear to listen, but please read and respond. This is a bit length, but thanks in advance to anyone who reads and offers advice or personal stories from a similar situation.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We have been talking about getting engaged and everything is great between us - except for his mother. She has had it in for me since he and I first started dating. She had already made her mind up about me before I even met her.

The first time we met was during a stressful time. My boyfriend had a car accident about 4 months into our relationship. I was the first one at the hospital to sit with him since I live only 20 minutes away from him and his parents were 2 hours away. When his family got to the hospital, his dad and his sister introuduced themselves and were friendly enough, but his mother came right in the room, walked past me like she didn't even notice I was there, and began questioning the doctor's every move and hovering over my boyfriend like he's a 5 year old, instead of a 25 year old. She briefly said hello at one point, without a smile, and that was as much of a meeting or introduction as we ever had. I cut her some slack because I knew she was probably stressed out and scared about her son being in a car accident. Everything was fine though, but still...I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

While he was recovering from a broken collarbone, he was unable to work and thusly, moved home to be with his parents for a month or so until he got better. During this time, he was unable to drive, so I made the two hour drive to see him. His mother met me at the door, acted awkward about me even being there, and just pointed me in the direction of my boyfriend's room where he was resting. She barely spoke to me after that. I made two or three subsequent trips over the course of his recovery and each one was about the same in regards to her behavior toward me. Needless to say, it became frustrating because I had no idea why she was giving me the cold shoulder.

Christmas came during the time that my boyfriend was convalescing at his parents house. My boyfriend called and told me that he and his parents and sister would be traveling about three hours away for Christmas Eve to visit with some family he hadn't seen in a while and that he wanted me to go. I agreed, thinking nothing more of it, until a week later he mentioned the trip again and told me that he hated it, but his mother didn't want me there, saying she wouldn't "have her Christmas ruined."

My feelings were extremely hurt and I was furious that she would do something like that without cause, so I wasn't able to meet his extended family because of her. I made my boyfriend aware of the situation and he talked not only to his mother, but also to his dad, trying to figure out what it was about me that bothered her so bad. Nothing came to light. All he really got out of her was, "Well, I know we don't get along, but I don't hate her." What is that supposed to mean?

Mother's Day came next and (things were getting much better when I was around her since my boyfriend's numerous chats with her by this point) it was still awkward and we basically just didn't talk to each other. I met the extended family and everyone was very nice, except his mom. She finally did break down and give me a hug when he and I were leaving that day and that was the first time she had ever done that and he and I had been together for a year!

I spent 4th of July with his mom and sister, by myself without my boyfriend in tow. He was working that day and when his sister told me she wanted me to drive up and spend the day with her, I was more than happy to, especially thinking I might extend the olive branch to his mother. The three of us went shopping and that was the best that it has ever been between his mother and I, but it was still very strained and she acts like she wishes I would drop dead on the spot.

This Christmas I actually warranted an invitation to their house for the holiday. It was good except for the fact that everytime she wanted to ask me something it was like she would talk through other people. For example, she would say "Dan, how has Lisa's school been going? Isn't she close to graduating?" and I'm sitting in the room! I HATE IT!

I rarely communicate with her even in person, so I would NEVER call or e-mail her or anything. Once again trying to make peace with whatever it is about me that she hates, I asked my boyfriend for his mom's email address and if he thought it would be okay for me to send an email to her and thank her for the Christmas gift she and his dad bought for me. He said he thought it would be good. I sent the email and she responded, but the reply was pretty generic and she didn't even sign it or anything. It was like there was no thought put into it.

A few days later, I wrote her back and told her that my family was having a birthday party for my boyfriend at our house and that a good many people were coming (this is coming up in about two weeks). I told her that I knew she usually just liked to meet halfway somewhere and have dinner at a restaurant together for his birthday, but that I wanted her to know they were welcome to come and just to let me know if they would be interested because we would love to have them.

After three days, she still hadn't replied to my email. Instead, she wrote an email to my boyfriend about something totally unrelated and at the very end of it, mentioned that she and his dad would not be able to make it to the "little party" we were having. She couldn't even dignify me with a response. My boyfriend emailed her back and told her she could reply directly to me and that she didn't have to go through him to talk to me. Her response? "I would reply directly to her if I had anything to say." Maybe I'm overreacting, but I invited her to a party that I am paying for that we didn't have to extend the invitation to, but did so to make them feel welcome and invited because I never have when I'm around them, and she doesn't feel like there is anything to reply to? Seriously?

I'm not wanting to be friends with this woman. I don't HATE anyone, but I certainly do not like her and feel a great deal of animosity toward her. Everytime my boyfriend and I are around her, I leave feeling either furious, anxious, like I want to cry, or a combination of the three and it isn't healthy, but she's his mother. I don't want him to ever feel like he has to choose between me and his mother, but something has to give. I know that the problem lies with her, not me, and I've tried killing her with kindness until I'm blue in the face.

She doesn't have to love me, she doesn't even have to like me, I'm just asking for some civility when it comes to us having to be around each other. It's awkward and I hate every minute of it. I thought about emailing her and telling her that I didn't know what it was about me that she didn't like, but I wish we could talk about it, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that her behavior gets to me that bad. I dont' know what to do!! I know my relationship with my boyfriend is all that really should matter, but this is driving me up the wall. Everything about her makes my blood boil. It's gotten to the point that my boyfriend can't hardly even mention his mother in casual conversation without me feeling a low level anger rising up in the pit of my stomach. Someone help. This is really getting to me. I'm a fixer and I don't know how to fix this one! Sorry for the length, by the way.

A Spitin' Mad Girlfriend :mad:[/I]

insightpls 01-06-2009 10:35 PM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
Hi. I read your post, and it sounded so much like me years ago, I just had to add my 2 cents. I've been through about 15 years of mother in law BS, plus parent BS, only to figure out I'm in an unhappy marriage and none of the loads of mother-in-law worry was ever worth it.

The first thing I see from your post...... a mom would be worried out of her mind about her son in a car accident. 25 is very young. I know you don't think so now, but wait until you're 34 and have a son of your own. You'll know what I'm talking about. She was probably worried sick, and almost any mother wouldn't worry about making nice with a girl she had never met, probably had not even heard about upon learning her son was badly injured in a wreck. So much goes through a mom's head. We gave them that body, we don't want them to mess it up. Second, we think deeper than everyone else, we're mothers. We carry a deeper burden and a deeper love. I would be worried about the pain and suffering my baby (yes at 25 he would still be my baby) had to endure. A broken collar bone? As a mom that would kill me.

Next thing, when you went to visit 2 hours away to their home, and your boyfriend was still recovering from a broken collar bone, there could be a lot more to it. Maybe your boyfriend has been depressed and crying to his mom. If he has been, she's carrying that weight heavier than anyone. Mother's do that.

And, is he telling her he's serious with you? Maybe she's seen a bunch of girlfriends come and go in his life so far. It's possible she doesn't want to warm up to you until you're acutally marrying her son.

Of course it could be that her son moved 2 hours away, then got hurt, and she doesn't like that. Maybe she wants him back home, where she thinks he belongs, and if he stays with you that won't happen.

I know his mom makes your blood boil, but until you've walked in a mom's shoes, you will never understand a mom. I never could stand my mother- in- law. And then one day....I had a son. She was never very nice to me. I know I'll make a much better effort for my son's girlfriends when I get the chance. But looking at your situation...this is what I would think.

When my son does get a very serious girlfriend he wants to marry, I want to make sure I'm very nice to her. I'd like her to be the daughter I never had, even. But I want her to be that with my son, in the same town where I live, not 2 hours away.

And last, if his mom doesn't like you, you need to just let it go, never let it bother you. Just be friendly and forget it. When you get older like me, and you're tired of HER son, and your marriage is losing it's spunk, you'll wonder why she ever upset you in the first place because it was never worth it.

With mother in laws, it's never about you. It's always going to be about something with her relationship with her son. And it's probably always deeper than what you think. Cut her some slack, and just worry about the 2 of you. If she never warms up to you, you're just need to let it go. Life is too short. She could be that type who will never feel she can truely share her son with anyone, and it's NOT YOU.

I know when the day comes I will have a difficult time with it. I tucked him in every night all of his life. I talked with him every day and was his favorite person in the world. He hangs on my every word. He's so adorable the way he looks up to me. He's so sweet the way he said his first words. He acts like my little protector. Whatever will I do when he grows up and moves out and I don't get to see him very much? Will it be easy for me to warm up to his wife? I think it will be difficult but I plan to make the effort. However, I'm not sure I would do it until marriage. And then....I would probably never do it for someone living so far away....with my little son I raised all of his life and wouldn't get to see. I'll miss him dearly when he moves out. I can only hope he will live near me.

Maybe the above paragraph will help you to see the other side of things.

dkNP 01-06-2009 10:37 PM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
you poor thing! what a nightmare. aside from empathy all i can do is tell you what i have learned after years and years of dealing with a similar situation, unfortunately, i'm actually related to my nightmare.

it got to me for years, i dreaded having to go over there, i was in a bad mood on the way, during the visit and would be annoyed and agitated for days afterwards! i bent over backwards trying to be nice, trying to figure out what i had done to cause this behaviour, what i could do to make things better. she seemed able to turn the simpliest comment/action/inaction into a direct insult that would leave me scratching my head trying to figure out exactly what she was on about.

you're right when you say it's her problem not yours. she's not going to change. the only thing you have any control over is how you respond. are you going to continue to respond with anger and frustration? or learn to let it 'wash over you'. i'm not saying this is easy, not at all - but it's the only way to maintain some semblance of sanity. because i'm telling you now, she's not losing any sleep over it.

a lot of these problems come when completely 'normal', rational people encounter irrational, egocentric narcissists who can't tolerate any disturbance to the perfect world they have created for themselves (with themselves as the sole centre of this perfect universe) - it sounds like you're trying to combat irrationality with rational, problem-solving - it's never going to work. don't make yourself crazy trying. be civil, nothing more and just let her comments and pettiness wash over you.

hope this helps!

good luck! D.

PS - i know i've just given a tonne of advice here, but it doesn't mean i don't leave some visits with my relative and need to go home to my punching bag! (which by the way is an excellent channel for the aggression she can leave you with!)

gmp377 01-06-2009 11:33 PM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
Thanks to both of you who replied. Insightpls, I appreciate you giving me a view of the other side of things. If I were a mother, I would like to think that I would never, never, never treat another human being (whether it is my son's girlfriend or not) with such contempt and have such complete disregard for another person's feelings, but I do see your point. You are absolutely right when you say that the problems she is experiencing with me more than likely have NOTHING to do with me and have everything to do with something else going on inside her head. She has various emotional issues stemming from childhood problems and I think sometimes that plays into the way she handles things now.

dkNP, thanks for the sympathy! It's so nice to know someone has been through it and actually survived with their relationship intact. I absolutely hate that I've let her get to me like this because that's probably exactly what she would want. On the way home from Christmas with her this year, I threw a total temper tantrum in the car with my boyfriend. He was mad that I was that upset about it and because it's not happening directly to him, I feel like sometimes he doesn't fully understand how annoying and hurtful and just down right enraging it can be. Plus, it's his Mama. He doesn't want to choose sides and I don't expect him to.

I don't have a punching bag (I'd like to use his mother as one on occasion, haha), but after Christmas I was so keyed up and anxious that I ran on the treadmill for almost an hour, lifted weights afterward, and was barely tired because there was so much adrenaline coursing through my veins after having to deal with her all day long. She's enough to make your want to pull your hair out by the fistful.

Having said all that, you are sooooo right! I think the best thing I can do is just keep being nice. It's so hard for me to bite my tongue around her sometimes and I'd love to tell her off and let her know exactly what I think of her, but what would that accomplish? I don't want to lower myself to her level and be petty and immature like she is being. Hopefully, it will all come out in the wash. It helps so much to know other people have been there and have come out relatively unscathed, even though it's enough to drive you up the wall while it's happening. Do you ever talk to your "monster-in-law" or email or have any kind of communication or do you steer clear of that?

insightpls 01-06-2009 11:54 PM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
I just wanted to add, I was thinking about why your MIL may have acted the way she did about the party invitation.

She would probably like "him" to invite her to his party. This is probably why she repsonded to him, and didn't go. Although, I think she should have shown up anyway, she's sending her son a message, she's hurt he didn't take the time to contact her and invite her. Remember, she misses him and doesn't get to see him or talk with him much. While this may seem petty, it probably doesn't seem so to her.

You should invite her to YOUR birthday party. Invite her to things you're doing. Invite her on a shopping trip, or call her for advice about girl stuff or cooking. Act like a daughter to her, like you do your mom, and see if that will work, instead of acting like you speak for her son. If it's for her son, let him do it. She wants to hear from him, and you won't have to be put in the middle. It's possible she thought he would come and visit for his birthday or something. Let them work that out between them, what he's doing for his birthday. She still wants a relationship with him.

Again, don't let her behavior get to you, but I don't think it's wise to get into a power struggle with her either, like ordering your boyfriend to tell her to respond to you. And if all efforts fail, again just be civil and don't worry about it.

My MIL broke my husband and I up for a couple of years. Long story short, she expected him to do everything for her and his younger brother. When we broke up, she called me to rub it in and actually taunted me with "you knew how he was". To which I responded, "no, I have no idea what you mean". She was trying to comment that I knew he was a womanizer, when he had never even looked at other girls while we were togther, and had just told me he wanted to see me walk down the ilse in a white dress. I broke up with him anyway because he wouldn't move an hour away from HER, because she begged him not to, to be with me while I finished grad school. I had promised him we would move back when I finished. I later learned she told him that if he moved for me, I would probably just break up with him anyway. I had fun rubbing the white dress comment in her face, and we eventually got back together. But you see my point. She was a true monster in law. Be glad your MIL is independent.

Tivo123 01-07-2009 09:26 AM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
I'm not sure I buy all of this "until you're a mother yourself you won't understand why she's being like this." Because to me, your bf's mom sounds suspiciously like one of those type of moms who can't handle cutting the apron strings and is trying desperately to make him into a mama's boy because she can't handle the fact that there's another woman in his life that is maybe becoming more important to him than she is. It's a sad, sad thing that happens, but hopefully the sons in that case are not going to be spineless jellyfish who cater to their moms' every whim. That's not healthy for anyone.

She is just going to have to face the fact that her son is a grownup now, he's not a child anymore and he doesn't need her to be running his life for him anymore. Children grow up, become adults and leave home. That's how it's supposed to happen. And if she can't accept that as reality, then she probably shouldn't have been a parent, or at least she should get some kind of counseling to help her cope with it.

In the end, it's not your fault, you actually didn't do anything wrong. You just had the misfortune of meeting a guy who has a mom that can't handle the reality of her son being an adult and not in need of her anymore. It's unfortunate to stumble into that kind of situation, but there's nothing you can do, it is what it is. My advice to you is to be the better person and don't stoop to her level. Just because she treats you badly and acts so pathetic doesn't mean you have to do the same. So, just make sure you always take the high road because then other people will see that you're not going to play her silly games.

gmp377 01-07-2009 09:50 AM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
[I]Tivo123, thanks for the reply. That makes a lot of sense. Before he met me, my boyfriend had been single (by choice) for five years. He hadn't really dated anyone since high school and even then, it was only a brief, unserious thing lasting a few months, if that. I'm the first "serious" girlfriend he's had, the first one he's brought home to meet the family, and he pretty much devotes himself to me, spends his time with me (especially since his family is 2 hours away and my family treats him far better than his own family ever thought about doing), and does everything in life with the intention of making a better future for he and I.

While I understand Insightpls point, that maybe you can't understand somethings just because you are a mother, my mother has a son and she has never treated any of his girlfriends like my boyfriend's mother treats me. My mother may not always 100% approve of the girls my brother chooses to date, but she treats them with respect nonetheless and makes them feel welcome in her home. That's all I'm asking for in this situation, but I'm certain I'll never get it.

My boyfriend gets a little irritated with me sometimes because I seem to let it bother me so much, but what he doesn't understand is that I'm not thinking about here and now. I'm stressing about what she will be like in the future too. I'm having visions of getting married and not wanting her there AT ALL, sitting in the front row cringing as I walk down the aisle, criticizing everything about my choices for the wedding, etc. I want my wedding day to be beautiful, fun, exciting, and the thought of her being there just makes me sick. If any children ever came along too, I wouldn't want them to spend time with her. She's got so many quirks that I wouldn't want rubbing off on my children and she has a child rearing philosophy I do not agree with. However, I can't not invite her to my wedding, if my boyfriend and I indeed tie the knot one day, and I can't keep her from ever seeing her grandchildren. She is a complete monster about most things, but I would feel guilty and like I wasn't doing the right thing if I behaved like that. But trust me, it goes through my mind all the time.

I forgot to put this in my first post here, but one other thing she did that puzzles me is this: when my boyfriend moved two hours away to be closer to me, his parents drove down and brought some of his furniture from home to put in his new house. I deliberately tried to steer clear of his mother (meaning I acted like I was busy unloading things from my boyfriend's car while she, my boyfriend, and my boyfriend's dad moved the furniture inside). She asked my boyfriend where I was or if I was coming in the house because she wanted to tell me hello. Then, she said, "I guess I better get to know her if she is going to be my new daughter-in-law one day." Why would she even say that if she didn't really mean that she was going to try to be civil and get to know me? To appease my boyfriend? To make her own conscience feel better? The woman makes no sense. The mother-in-law is an enigma I will never understand! [/I]

Redneon82 01-07-2009 10:24 AM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
I think you need to stop worrying about the future. You can't get yourself all worked up wondering if she'll do this or that, and how you'll react. You can drive yourself (and your boyfriend) nuts if you worry and worry about something that hasn't even happened yet! I think we have enough to deal with now without adding worrying about something that might not even happen.

I too am the mother of a son, and I pray that I will never be so clinging and possessive of him that I can't tolerate him having his own life. He went away to college 2 states away last fall, and I miss him like crazy, but would never DREAM of insisting that he stay nearby just to appease me. I raised him with the purpose of having a good, productive life of his own, and never thought he was mine forever. You have to let go or you will raise an insecure, indecisive, non-functional boy who will never become a man. I would also never dream of guilting him into living near me just so I can be happy at the expense of his happiness. I don't get to keep him! I just hope that we can continue to have the strong, loving relationship we have now so he will feel welcome to bring his lady friend to meet me without worrying that I'll disapprove, be rude, or demand that he get rid of her to please me. I trust that he'll find the right one and if he makes some choices I don't agree with, I'll have to deal with it.

It may take some time, but hopefully your boyfriend's mother will come to realize that he's an intelligient man who is capable of choosing an appropriate woman to spend his life with, and she can learn to at least respect his choice.

Ms_ENV27 01-07-2009 10:37 AM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
I completely agree with Tivo123. My own mother and grandmother would NEVER treat their sons girlfriends/wives that way. They would make them feel welcome and apart of the family. There is NO excuse to treat you this way, whether it be because of a car accident or WHATEVER. This woman needs help, and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way. And yes most likely her animosity isn't directly about you but stemming from other problems she has.

My MIL doesn't treat me that way. I was living in her house for a while in the beginning of my boyfriends and I relationship, and she wasn't that nice to me to be honest. But I completely understand why. Since I haven't lived with her in the past 2 years she totally treats me like family, like i'm one of her own kids.

I'm pregnant right now and my MIL is so excited to become a first time grandparent. She is already totally spoiling her grandchild before she is even born. So, how do you think your boyfriends mother would treat you if you were pregnant with her sons baby? Because to be honest if she doesn't give you that support that pregnant women need then it is really going to put a huge strain on your relationship with her, more than it is now.

IMO there is nothing you can do about her. I would feel the exact same way as you do. If you care about your boyfriend enough to keep putting up with his mothers horrible treatment then I would just keep killing her with kindness. But looking ahead in the future it is going to put a drain on you eventually. Either you break down to her in person and tell her everything you've said on here (almost everything lol) and see what she says (probably nothing satisfying) so at least you know you really tried on your end to make the relationship better. OR you let things go as they are and end up having a hell of a lot more resentment then you do already for her and that will wear on you big time. After writing this paragraph I started thinking either way if you talk to her or not about her behavior you'll probably still having resentment toward you because she is such a rude woman. BUT if I were you I couldn't stay with this man because all I would be thinking about is the future and how she would most likely try to sabotage it. It's so nice having a caring and nice MIL... that to live with an unhappy, rude MIL really sucks.

On a side note - If she was at all "normal" she would have responded to your email invitation to her sons bday party. Any mother would want to feel welcomed or included by there childs girlfriend/boyfriend. She shouldn't feel like, "oh well I wish my son would of invited me instead of his gf." That's not normal if she was thinking that.

My MIL was happy I invited her personally to my baby shower. Of course I was going to invite her but my boyfriends Aunts are already throwing me another baby shower after the baby is born so I didn't have to invite her, but I wanted her there.

Anyways I hope I helped in some way...

Redneon82 01-07-2009 02:23 PM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
My MIL is a wonderful, caring woman who has welcomed me with open arms. However, she did have a desire to have all her kids (6 of them) either live WITH her in her home, or within a few blocks. I believed in small doses, not a constant presence, so my husband and I moved to the next town over. While she was wistful in wanting her family surrounding her at her home, she never showed any resentment toward me for "making" her son move to the next town over. She let go and realized that he did love her and was not cutting her out of his life, and we ended up always having a great relationship. She's disagreed with some decisions we made, and let us know, but it was by no means ever a deal breaker. She accepted.

My mother didn't accept my brother's wife and it resulted in a 3 year estrangement since my brother took his wife's side and supported her. My mother was heartbroken and resentful, and it was all so unnecessary. She then decided it wasn't worth it, put her resentments aside, and we all ended up getting along well together.

I hope your BF's mom realizes that she is taking a chance of really alienating her son with her attitude. It's much nicer when people can get along and be civil, and it would make you want to be there with her son more often. She may come to this realization eventually.

Mileena42 01-07-2009 06:17 PM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
I don't think this behavior of your BFs mom has anything to do with YOU. I think she would probably be this way if he brought home the blessed mother what does that say about her? That she isn't going to accept one is good thats for the "why"....and as far as what you should do about it....NOTHING. I know it's hard. I know it goes against everything you WANT to do, and of course if she crosses the line anymore you might be forced to play hard ball with her....but right now all you are really getting is little snippy things she is doing just to irritate. Little things like not answering your email directly can be overlooked for a time...esp if you intend to have a future with her son.

Actually if you think about have made some progress first you were completely ignored and a year later you got a shopping trip.

I think the big issue here is a mom who doesn't want her son with anyone. All you have to do is wait her out, and kind of ease up on your BF about how she acts....nothing will run a man away quicker than cutting down his mom.

I have a grown son, and I would never treat anyone he brought home with disrespect. I don't want to lose my sons respect for one thing, and I don't want to alienate anyone he might care about, and should I ever have grandchildren I want to be a part of their lives! I wish this woman could understand that she is hurting no one but herself when she does these things..

Hang strong....I really do think she will loosen up in time. Try to hold out, it may be worth it.

Watersigh 01-07-2009 06:51 PM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
This is definitely the mother's problem and not yours. Reading what you've posted, it looks like you've gone above and beyond to try to get her to soften up a bit and she hasn't hardly budged an inch. There isn't much you can do with someone like that. All you can do is try your best to be civil, but don't let her ruin your relationship.

What does your bf say about all of this? Does he also think she is being unfair? Eventually if he starts taking her side on everything, you might have to re-evaluate whether you want to be in that situation. But hopefully he sees his mom for what she is, a clingy, needy type who is unable to let him go. That's not helping him in his growth, by the way, it's stunting his ability to move forward in life and be a man. Such a shame when that happens, too.

Hey, how does his dad get along with you? What about the rest of his family? Are they nice to you? Is it just the mom that has a problem?

dkNP 01-07-2009 07:03 PM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
there's been some interesting POVs on this thread. but you asked what i did with my own family monster.

i did try talking to them. i sat down and said i wanted to talk about our relationship because i wasn't happy with the way things were going. they denied there were any problems and said they didn't know what i was talking about. it ended in an argument, we both said nasty things and i stressed about it for three days. then i sent a message and said i felt terrible about the way things had gone and wanted to know what i could do to make it better. they said, 'i don't care i'm glad i said what i did - i might forgive you one day'

so more stress (the anxiety leading up to the 'talk' was excrutiating), sleepless nights during the three days of the 'fight' and nothing changed between us. i guess the only positive is i can say with 100% certainty i did the best i could and if anything is going to change, it's going to have to come from their side. i'm done.

hope this helps. D.

PS - and the stuff about 'being a mother' drives me insane. mother's always say they just want their children's happiness but mother's like this are actually just all about their own happiness. no one will ever be good enough because she wants to keep him all to herself. bad luck for you, but if you love him, you can make it work.

gmp377 01-09-2009 11:20 PM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
Thanks so much to everybody for the responses. I respect everybody's opinion here and just appreciate so much that people have taken the time to read about my problem and share their own stories. It means SO much.

Mileena42, you are so right. The worst thing to do is cut his mother down in conversation with him. The frustrations with her have definitely come out when talking to my boyfriend from time to time, but I'm gradually learning to keep things to myself a bit more. I still talk to my boyfriend about his mother when she does something ridiculous or upsetting, but I try not to go ballistic and let my blood pressure get up too high when talking about her, lol.

Watersigh, my boyfriend is fully aware of the situation. He has talked to his mother several times in the past and has even sat down with his dad and asked him what he thought was the matter with his mom. Nobody has a clue what her deal is. My boyfriend thinks his mother is being completely unfair, but at the same time doesn't worry himself too much about it because he isn't that close to his parents these days anyway and thankfully, we don't have to see them often. He had gone to bat for me several times with her though and I know he will continue to do it in the future, but I just don't want him to get to the point where he feels like he has to choose his mother or me. His dad and I get along okay - much better than I do with his mother. There are certain quirks about his dad that drive me crazy if I let them, but they are nothing involving the way he treats me. He always hugs me when I see him, tells me how pretty I look, and that he's glad to see both of us and you can practically see my boyfriend's mother's blood boiling the whole time he does it. My boyfriend's sister (she's 23) is a little pawn for her mother. She does call and text me from time to time with the intention of being friendly and I don't think it's all an act, but she definitely fishes for information about things her mother doesn't have the spine to ask about. It's like the mom will call my boyfriend trying to get information about a certain thing (he keeps her out of the loop on his daily life) and if she doesn't get a satisfactory answer, his sister will either call him or text me and work up to asking the same thing the mom is trying to figure out. Otherwise, his sister never calls him. She's in her parent's hip pocket because they pay for everything she wants and needs and she doesn't want to mess up her meal ticket. Though that situation is annoying and my boyfriend's dad has his moments, the two of them PALE IN COMPARISON to the mother, so I cannot complain in any shape, fashion, or form.

The latest development with the mom has happened over the past few days and it really has me in a mood. My boyfriend is scheduled to have surgery on a torn tendon in a few weeks. He and I have the situation handled. We found a doctor, had an MRI done, determined the cause of the problem, and scheduled the surgery...should be the end of the story. But, he called his mother to let her know that he was having the procedure done. I have no problem with that. It's his mother and even though he knows she is nuts, he still loves her and that's only fair that he tells her that. The minute she finds out, she starts criticizing the choice of surgeon and wants to know exactly who he is and what his specialty is, where he went to medical school, if he is board certified, etc. I have worked in the medical field and I know a good doctor when I see one. He told his mother that I had researched it all and knew that the surgeon is competent. Yet, she INSISTED that my boyfriend email her a link to the medical practice's website where she could see a profile on the doctor doing the surgery!

She hounded him about it so much that he finally broke down and agreed. She was "appalled" when she saw the doctor. He has been ranked the best surgeon in his class two years in a row in this state, practiced at John's Hopkins (which is one of the best surgical hospitals in the country), and even spent some time at Harvard. The man isn't stupid or ill qualified. So why was she appalled? Because he's from INDIA! She thinks that because the doctor is Indian he can't perform a proper tendon repair surgery.

As if I wasn't furious enough about that, she has insisted on driving down the day of the surgery. I'm guessing she feels like I'm not competent enough to handle things while my boyfriend is in surgery and that she needs to supervise matters. She demanded my boyfriend put her down as a contact on his medical paperwork prior to the surgery so she could have full access to any information and insurance stuff that she THINKS she needs to have her nose in the middle of.

While my boyfriend recovers and is in a cast, he is going to stay with my family. He is so close to them that he considers them his own family, which also pisses his mom off to no end. I really think she is jealous of the relationship he has developed with my family in the two years we have been together because it is a closer-knit one than they have been able to foster with him in 25 years! Anyway, his sister called him today to tell him that his mom's feelings were really hurt because he didn't even ask her about coming home while he was recovering. Why in the world would he want to drive two hours away after having surgery to sit around with a bunch of people that can do nothing but gripe at him and make his life miserable for six weeks while he is healing? Plus, my family is so large and live so close together, that if he needed anything at all, there would be somebody around at all times of the day and night. If he was with his family, there would never be anyone around. His parents both work from 7 AM to 6 PM. His sister is away at college and there is nobody else around. If he was hungry or needed to get up and go to the bathroom during the day, he'd just have to starve and hold it because nobody would be there to help him until 6 or 7 PM. Doesn't sound like the ideal set up.

His mom emailed him later today (after obviously putting his sister up to calling him) and told him that she understood why he would want to stay here with me and my family nearby because it was more convenient and probably safer because there were people around to help him. I just can't believe her. The woman is not happy unless she is mad or has her feelings hurt! It should be interesting seeing her at the hospital on surgery day, for sure. Thankfully, my parents will be there (my family has never met his, so that might be a little awkward, but I'm not too concerned) to keep me company because I'm certain his mother will have very little to say to me.

What's a girl to do when she can't get a break? I just keep repeating the same mantra to myself: kill her with kindness, kill her with kindness, kill her with kindness.

Seraph 01-10-2009 03:39 AM

Re: Boyfriend's Mother Makes MY BLOOD BOIL!
Perhaps a better mantra would be "She is like the weather, you cannot change her", or "Save yourself, Carruthers!!", as you disappear into your room to bash around a couple of pillows. This boot has her problems, and they are HER problems. Give her no space in your head, let her second-guess you to her heart's content. The only important thing here is that your BF has her measure and is not buying into her stuff. As long as he is independent of her, then she is just a nasty little storm-cloud on your horizon. She cannot hurt you if you don't allow her head space.. What WOULD be the worst she could do? Bare her teeth at you? Diss you behind your back? Accept that she is never going to be the MIL you want, and thank God for those two hours between you and her. BTW, if you think THIS is bad, wait til you have a baby! :eek: Put her on the other side of a boundary and let her rip. Sera.

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