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jbean08 01-17-2009 09:04 PM

Am I just acting like a psycho or what?!
I have always been very shy with low self esteem so I never had confidence to approach guys. Because of this, I have met guys only through the internet-- older ones, as high school guys (and girls) didn't always treat me very nicely. The first guy I truly met off the internet in person turned out to be a complete jerk, an the second guy I met I am still in a 1-year relationship with currently, but I have been experiencing problems with him and it really really bothers me. First, since I was first with him, he never really showed much of a comforting and sympathetic side. It's not like he's always mean to me, though, as sometimes I will think he's so cute and sweet. But, he isn't the most understanding. One example is a few times I have gotten sick (as in nausea or some other ill feeling) while he was around, he never really shows too much compassion. Sometimes he'll even laugh or think it's a joke! No cuddling and saying everything will be all right. I don't know, I realize guys aren't into all the emotional mushy stuff women are more into, but still, shouldn't a guy comfort his girlfriend when she isn't feeling well?! Second, if I'm feeling depressed, sometimes it's like something will happen when we say something to each other or whatever and it'll set some argument off, only making me feel worse instead of him trying to, again, COMFORT me. Another thing I feel is that he doesn't try to protect or defend me enough. I know, I sound like a child when I say this and I know I am now an adult and he's not my father, so he can't be around all the time, but he is a man and I am a woman, so in theory, a man really is supposed to be the protector. And to give another example, one time when he introduced me to one of his so-called friends (who is a complete perv), all he kept doing was looking down my shirt the whole time, and my boyfriend never did anything about it! Then before we left his house (or whatever sort of dump he lives in), he wanted to pick me up as he was also drunk, and I know I should've refused but I was actually kind of scared to, so obviously my boyfriend would think I was flirting back with him. But even with that, just knowing he didn't tell his friend off still hurts me to this day. And then recently, his cousin (who is also a drunk and a druggie) actually grabbed me, pretending to flirt with me, and my boyfriend didn't do a damn thing even when I mouthed 'help'. But I said that I knew he was just joking since I had to say something in front of everyone in the room and there was no way I was going to tell off that big hot-tempered cousin of his!
I am so sorry that I'm making this long so I'm sure not too many people will be willing to read all this, but I want to add something else before I end this. Like I said, I have very low self esteem as I haven't always been treated very nicely by people and it's just effected me terribly, but I know this is going to sound like a crazy jealous girl type of thing so probably some of you will be like, oh my God, she's seriously overreacting, but I get extremely jealous when my boyfriend even just sees a hot girl on TV! Like if we're in the movies and a good-looking girl is on the screen, my heart will actually start pounding and I'll try not to think about what he is thinking. And he also watches porn a lot (though so do all his friends and his male family members, so it's no wonder why) and has two calendars at his work of "big boobed" girls and Eagles cheerleaders. Yes, again, it's JUST a guy thing, but he know that I hate when he talks about porn and when he mentions how hot the girl for that particularly month on the calendar is, but that's just it-- he still does it! He has told me that it bothers him when he has to watch everything he says around me and though that will be understandable especially to a lot of guys, it still makes me feel like my feelings don't mean a thing to him. And the depression and other issues I have just seem like they're a joke to him, too!
But, I don't have a real job (except for online writing gigs, which are very low pay and pay like every month or two) and I don't even have my permit to drive, but I am already 20! It just feels like I don't have any energy anymore to even go try to get a job and get on the road. Yeah I guess it sounds like I'm being very lazy, but seriously, I am giving up on my life. I'm sick of being depressed and feeling like I don't deserve to have good friends and a good caring boyfriend.. it's hard to believe I have ended up in such a bad position, and even when I have tried before to make my life better, it just all ends up falling apart again. And because of all of this and how difficult I can be (I sometimes wonder how HE still stays with me with how I can act), plus with my shyness, I know how not too many guys would want to be with me in the first place. And he will treat me to restaurants, fast food places, and buy me other things, so because of this too, I feel like I should be lucky to have him.
OK now I've gone kinda off topic off topic so I better end here. I know this is probably a weird post, but I didn't know how else to put this.

rosequartz 01-17-2009 10:25 PM

Re: Am I just acting like a psycho or what?!
a lot of guys prey on girls with low self-esteem because they don't have to put much effort into the relationship because they know the girl will just be grateful to have someone......he's that guy.....don't be that girl!
it's obvious that he has no respect for you......and his friends and cousin know it to, so that gives them indirect permission to disrespect you too. People don't respect you when you don't respect yourself. Start standing up for yourself and realize that you deserve better! Being alone is better than being with someone who doen't respect you or treat you right. A relationship should complement your life, not complicate it. Get rid of him, you don't need it.

Larrylou'smom 01-17-2009 10:42 PM

Re: Am I just acting like a psycho or what?!
I think there are two things going on in your situation. First is your low self esteem. I understand totally about being treated poorly in school, as I was too. I was beaten up, picked on, made fun of, or just ignored all through school and by the time I graduated high school I was a mess. I was later diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. So while I totally understand that a hard childhood and adolescence can cause low self esteem and problems connecting with others, it's also not fair to make those issues another person's problem. You can see that it's unreasonable to sit there and get yourself upset just because you see a pretty girl on a movie screen or something just because you're imagining what your boyfriend must be thinking. I suggest the first thing you need to do is work on healing yourself, however you can, even trying therapy. It may sound like a cliche, but it really is true, you are your own salesperson, and every day in the world you are selling yourself to others, including potential employers, potential friends, and potential lovers and boyfriends and significant others. If you can't believe in your product, how can you make anyone else believe in it? If you feel you are not a good catch and a decent guy wouldn't want you, then that's where you start. Work on you and become the kind of woman you would be proud to be, the kind of woman who would be a great catch for any man.

The second thing I feel that is going on here is that you are in a relationship with a man who isn't really respecting you. And he has surrounded himself with lowlife people who make you feel uncomfortable, and who also disrespect you. I've been there, too, and I learned the hard way that any man who would take the side of a sleazy lowlife who is disrespecting you over you, that's a man who isn't worth having. Can you see how twisted and faulty that logic is? "I'm lucky to have him, I don't deserve any better so I should just thank goodness he wants to be with me, but he's mean sometimes, he doesn't comfort me, he lets his friends disrespect me, etc." The fact that you are feeling disrespected and neglected and not cherished, these feelings are clues that should be telling you that you aren't as lucky to have him as you think, and you know it deep down. If you feel "I'm being treated badly but I guess that's all I deserve" then the thing you need to fix is getting to the point where you believe you deserve better. It's unreasonable to settle for someone much less than what you want and then get mad at THEM for not being what you want them to be. YOU are the one making the choice to settle for a man who doesn't cherish you, who doesn't respect you, who doesn't care about your feelings. It's up to you to go out and find better, treat yourself better, and demand and expect better for yourself, it's NOT up to you to nag and badger and pout and emotionally blackmail him into respecting you, 1) because it doesn't work that way and 2) it's not fair.

Deep down, you know what you want, because you're not getting it and it's bothering you. Why on earth should you feel lucky to have something so much less than what you really want? If you're not getting what you want but feel you don't deserve what you really want, then get closer to being the kind of person who WOULD deserve those things. I think therapy with a skilled counselor could really help you get closer to being the kind of woman you can be proud of being and could help you boost your self esteem. And when that happens, you will feel better about being alone, even enjoy being alone, until a man who deserves YOU comes along, because you'll feel so good about being you that you will no longer need some inattentive, disrespectful, insensitive jerk in your life just to have some validation. Embrace the fact that this guy is unhealthy for you and you are NOT lucky to be with him, embrace the fact that your first step toward loving yourself better is to get rid of him, then work on becoming healthier and feeling better about being you, and not feeling jealous of some chick on a movie screen unless the man you're with gives you good reason to, and then you don't pout or whine or cry or get upset, you simply say "I deserve better than this" and put on your walking shoes and start walking until you find the guy who loves the you that you love.

cathy1 01-17-2009 11:01 PM

Re: Am I just acting like a psycho or what?!
This guy sounds immature and honestly, I didn't hear you say anything redeeming about him. Don't let your self esteem trap you with a guy that sounds like a dud.

Lose this guy - don't waste your time with someone that gives you little and acts like he could take you or leave you. People with low self esteem feel they don't deserve to be treated well. Remember, EVERY single person deserves to be treated with respect - and that includes you.

Mr.G 01-18-2009 03:03 AM

Re: Am I just acting like a psycho or what?!
Jbean--I have witnessed relations like what you describe and I just hope you are not with this guy BECAUSE he treats you like that. I know this sounds crazy but a lot of times I notice girls with lower self-esteem end up with complete jerks who treat them like crap. IT is some sick pathology that is played out in co-dependecy where you actually need someone to make you feel bad about yourself. Also if there are other guys haressing you and he is not sticking up for you then you are going to have to do it yourself and probably leave the boyfriend as well.

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