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  • He's not looking for a girlfriend.

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    Old 01-19-2009, 12:35 AM   #1
    bulalot3
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    He's not looking for a girlfriend.

    I guess, I may know the answer to this already...but I just want confirmation.

    I've known this one guy for a little over a year. We're both musicians and we did a show together. When I met him he had a girlfriend, but always felt a mutual attraction between us. Now fast forward to last November. I see him for the first time in about a year since the show we did...because he had a performance. His girlfriend (now, ex) was not present, and he was telling me and another friend that "relationships are just weird....I'll probably never get married...well maybe someone will change my mind".

    Two weeks later I had a show and I invited him. He came and after the show, we danced at a club and I could tell he was showing an interest. We've hung out with eachother four times since then...just hanging out at his place talking and watching movies. We never "hung out" before, and he was doing some really cute things that allowed me to believe that he liked me. For example: he learned songs from my show on guitar...then asked me to sing it. And tonight, we kissed. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

    Right after our make out sesh, he spooned with me interlocking fingers..etc. Then we ate, and he sat at his chair...distancing himself. He said he was tired and as I was walking out...we were both a little awkward. I proceeded to say "Well, this was fun....and interesting... [some words were exchanged] what are you thinking?" And he said... "you remember I told you I wasn't looking for a girlfriend?"

    I never pushed it....I said that it was okay. He said that "when he has a girlfriend he can't function"...I guess cuz he can't get anything done and needs to just focus on his own projects without the distraction. He then said "I still like you....I really enjoy our movie nights. I just don't want to lead you on or anything". And I said "You like me as a friend...." ..and he said "If I were in a different time, I'd like you more than just a friend".


    He said he wanted to give me a kiss goodnight...and so he did and off I went.


    OKAY, so I know he's been going through a lot. Money problems especially, and he's definitely not where he wants to be in his career.

    So....what do you all think? Is this just a typical case of a guy liking a girl but because of where he's at in his life, he cannot make the commitment?

    OR...

    is he just not into me?

    I hope it's the first one....and hopefully I gave a detailed enough account for you all to make a fair assessment.


    Whatever answer you choose...if you could please elaborate with reasons, etc... that would be very helpful.

    Thanks!

     
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    Old 01-19-2009, 03:02 AM   #2
    Seraph
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    Re: He's not looking for a girlfriend.

    Whichever scenario is in play, it is up to you to protect yourself from being hurt. He may be totally genuine and really would like to have a relationship in another time, but that may not stop him from using you (with your consent) as a safe no-strings drop in girl. This would suit a lot of males, from what I have read on this board, so you need to make it clear that anything more than a bit of "making out" is not on if it is only to be on a casual basis. You sound as if you would like more, so don't settle for his crumbs. It is a waste of time for you. Sera.

     
    Old 01-19-2009, 04:50 AM   #3
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    Re: He's not looking for a girlfriend.

    I agree, I think the only thing he's interested in is a friends with benefits situation, and definitely not a relationship. It's really easy for guys to do this because they will say or do anything to a woman to make her want to sleep with him, regardless of whether he has relationship-type feelings for her or not. It's up to us as women to recognize those type of ploys when we see them. But if you're ok with a friends with benefits then there's no problem. However, it sounds to me like you want to date him, in which case it would be a disaster and you will absolutely get hurt if you go into it thinking there will be a relationship in the end. Because he has made it clear he's not interested in you being his girlfriend already. At least he was honest about that, I give him credit.

     
    Old 01-19-2009, 04:52 AM   #4
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    Re: He's not looking for a girlfriend.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bulalot3 View Post
    So....what do you all think? Is this just a typical case of a guy liking a girl but because of where he's at in his life, he cannot make the commitment?

    OR...

    is he just not into me?
    It doesn't matter, they both end up the same, and they're both actually pretty much the same thing. I agree with Sera. He will gladly use you for sex for a while if you let him, but he's been totally straight and honest with you, and he's been very clear. He has absolutely no intention of making you his girlfriend or making this anything more than a friends with benefits situation. It sounds like you're not wanting to listen and you are getting ready to make the classic mistake so many women make - you're about to tell yourself "I know he SAID he didn't want a relationship, but I bet he doesn't really mean it, I mean, who doesn't want to be in love? I know if I sleep with him enough times and be really sweet to him and show him how wonderful I am, I'm sure I can change his mind!" Uh-uh, no you can't change his mind. If you had any shot at all at changing his mind, he would never have risked making you go away for good by telling you he's never going to be your boyfriend up front. It's up to you whether to take him at his word or not. If you end up used, hurt and broken hearted, you really have no one to blame but yourself, because he's already warned you that's all you can expect from him.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-19-2009 at 04:54 AM.

     
    Old 01-19-2009, 07:59 AM   #5
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    Re: He's not looking for a girlfriend.

    he already told you all you need to know.....in fact it's the title of your thread......he's not looking for a girlfriend......
    listen to him.....

     
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