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  • Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

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    Old 02-13-2009, 06:58 AM   #31
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    Originally Posted by brokenhearted83 View Post
    What if Louise has feelings for you? By being there for her this way, she is going to get confused about your feelings too, regardless of what you say because YOUR actions are portraying something more deep than just friends.

    Can't you see?

    I wonder if you do have feelings for Lora because you are not behaving or thinking like that a friend by no means. I remember you saying she offered but you declined.

    If you aren't interested, then move away. This isn't a place for even the best of friends. It is a family matter, between her, her ex and her family. Its rather naive of you to think you can help. You can't. Its all one big illusion! Wake up!

    Is it that you find it reassuring that Louise is there for you just in case things don't work out with Lora? You've said before you didn't want to go down that road. So why are you still behaving more like a boyfriend or husband?

    Can you see and accept that at the very least? If so, then can you accept that you need to back off? I don't think you can see straight.

    Are you afraid of being alone?

    I'm not having a go! I'm offering advice with YOUR best interests at heart.

    You sound like a sweet person. But you're investing so much into Louise, her baby and her problems.

    No offence, but don't you have your own life to lead?

    Remember, this isn't your problem! You didn't cause this. So you don't need to feel obliged to stay and behave responsibly.

    I think you want to stay. Not because you feel obliged. And that's wrong. Sorry.
    Thanks for your reply, brokenhearted83. You have identified what I am afraid of by coming here for advice: you guys will tell it to me straight and make me realise what I am afraid to admit to myself.

    Louise does have feelings for me. She's told me as much. The other day her sister asked why we didn't get back together and Louise joked about how I had told her I just want to be friends (she emphasised the word in a way that reiterated her desire for more). This is an alien situation to me: I'm normally the one doing the chasing. I feel some kind of obligation towards Louise because she likes me. I know the kindest thing to do is to allow her to forget about me and come to terms with bringing up her baby alone. But I am a people-pleaser and - even though it's not the best thing to do, for them or me - I find it hard not to give people what they want

    I do have my own very full life to lead. I have exams to study for, a fantastic job, a hobby that could become my career in its own right, a healthy social life... But I have always craved companionship. I remember stealing one of my mother's rings to give it to a girl at school, as a symbol of my affection, when I was five I am not afraid of being alone because I know that I am destined to meet the right girl for me; it's just a matter of time. I know that Louise isn't the right girl. But the people-pleaser in me can't bring himself to tell her straight that I don't want things to develop any further between us. Maybe this is something I have to learn to do at this stage in my life...

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    Old 02-13-2009, 08:15 AM   #32
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng View Post
    But the people-pleaser in me can't bring himself to tell her straight that I don't want things to develop any further between us. Maybe this is something I have to learn to do at this stage in my life...[/COLOR][/FONT]
    Don't worry, its not an abormality, nor an overly bad problem to have!

    My ex was like that (not saying you're like him that much, he was a jerk overall, you're clearly not). He led me on for months, and months because he felt like he couldn't say no, or so he says, and kept saying "I only did it for you not for me."
    You're not like my ex, he didn't have good intentions such as yourself, but I think men can find it hard to say no. In fact, if you come here often on these boards, must men don't say anything and just disappear because they just can't face the music! I may be making a huge assumption and generalization here, but it seems like it is inherently a male thing, in their biological nature or something!

    I can see you know what the situation is with Louise, and the consequences likely to follow.
    You know how you feel, which is good!

    So come on...slowly take action.

    You don't have to disappear from her life entirely but certainly for now you need to back right off. She NEEDS to be able to stand on her own two feet. Yes, she's had a bad time in the past, but loads of people do. People are almost murdered, raped, beaten, drugged, mugged. People have witnessed relatives deaths etc. But life goes. Doesn't mean they're going to be incapable of life alone. Louiseneeds to, to be able to survive and look after her baby.

    She has her ex, she has family. Its up to them now. She is lucky she has any family at all! Some people, are REALLY alone. If this was the case here, then I could begin to understand your help to a certain degree.

    Honestly, please, don't feel guilty or responsible.

    You're doing not only yourself, but her and her baby, more damage by staying around. If you're not going to do this for yourself, then do it for Louise.

    It will be really, really hard, I understand, and you should know too, but you need to tell her you need to take a step back and stay out of all this. Tell her you're still her friend, but that nothing more will happen, and you think now is a good time to seperate for a while. So she can get used to not having you around, and being able to get more support from her family and prepare herself for the birth of her child. She needs to concentrate on that, and not find out about you and Lora or some other girl you'll eventually begin to date.

    Good luck Johnny.

    You sound like a lovely, lovely man.

    Oh and by the way....still keep searching online for girls to go out on dates with. Remember not to expect much, it's just something to keep you busy while you distance yourself from Louise. Just meet up with some girls, even if its just for spending time with new people and enjoying female companionship Doesn't always have to be a girlfriend

    Last edited by brokenhearted83; 02-13-2009 at 08:19 AM.

    Old 02-13-2009, 11:47 AM   #33
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    As long as you are "friends" with Louise she is going to want more. She has feelings for you and is therefore being your friend hoping for it to be more. She is going to get hurt whether you stop contact with her now, next week, next month, or next year. There is no way around it. The longer you prolong it the more hurt she is going to get.

    If you can't tell her about Lora because you are affraid to hurt her then you can't be her friend. Friends tell eachother these things. That is why it is so hard for some exes to be friends especially when one (or sometimes both) still have feelings for the other. If you can't be 100% honest with her then you can't be her friend. It is that simple.

    I know you don't want to hurt her Johny and I totally respect that you have a heart. But you are only going to hurt her more in the long run if you allow her to think there is a chance. It is better to be hurt by honesty then it is to be hurt by feeling you have been led on. Please think about that. Unless you want to be with Louise then you really need to cut her loose.

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