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    Old 02-10-2009, 02:06 AM   #1
    cgb
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    Husband become very controlling

    My husband of 7 years seems to have become very controlling and territorial, and it is impossible to discuss these things with him. They are all trivial incidents in themselves. For example, he took a wrong turn in the car, and I suggested he turn back. Up to then, the drive had been normal and companionable. He didnt, but headed on up into a culdesac and we drove around for about 20minutes and eventually got out. I said that I found this sort of thing frustrating. He become enraged and verbally abused me for about 20 minutes.

    I feel that I am unable ever to express any form of discontent, without him becoming very angry. The car is particularly troublesome. If I turn the heating or radio down he becomes incensed. At the end of the tirade mentioned earlier, he said I needed to think things over. I said that he needs to put things in perspective. He said I need to consider why I need to fiddle with the controls in the car, and said that I am manipulating him.

    He is retired and pretty much does as he pleases. He goes off to the pub, to his boat, etc etc and I dont interfere with that. I gave a party for him last year, and suggested we do it again. He said that this time I need to have a plan and should discuss it with him. I said that the party had gone well and people really enjoyed it. he said that I needed to get organised. But I had organised the party, and it did go well.

    I feel rather under the cosh. I imagine he must be feeling unhappy somehow to be so aggressive. he is not physically violent, and I dont suppose he ever will be. But he does get very angry. What to do?

     
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    Old 02-10-2009, 02:50 AM   #2
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    Maybe there's something wrong with his health? Maybe his own virility is declining and he is unwilling to face it? Maybe he needs some physical activity so that he can find a proper outlet for his suppressed anger.

    Maybe if he saw some change in you (like your adopting a different life style, working out, doing voluntary work, etc), he would be motivated to change, too?

    In other words, rather than trying to change him, change yourself.

     
    Old 02-10-2009, 03:41 AM   #3
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    It certainly sounds like he is being very unreasonable. This has come about all of a sudden? Any life changes going on (job loss, death in the family...some change in circumstances?) I agree with pendulum that it could be a health issue- but sometimes getting men to go to the doctor can be challenging. If I were you, I would opt not to go places with him for a while- let him know this behavior isnt' acceptable and he's going to need to do something about it.

     
    Old 02-10-2009, 05:56 AM   #4
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    definately let him know that his behavior is unacceptable.....don't be a doormat.

     
    Old 02-10-2009, 08:14 AM   #5
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    I don't agree that you have to change yourself in order to please him and hope he'll change too. If you want to lead a healthy lifestyle for YOU, that's great, but that's a slippery slope to blaming you for his tirades. There are more mature ways to handle differences of opinion than going on 20 minute rants. Maybe when he's not ranting, and he's calm, explain to him that you'd rather discuss things calmly instead of having him rage at you, because that just gets you all upset and is counterproductive. He might think he's helping you in some strange way, and doesn't realize that ranting at someone seldom gets positive results.

     
    Old 02-10-2009, 08:47 AM   #6
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    This all sounds like alcoholic behavior. You are the only one that would know how much he drinks. Read up on behaviors of an alcoholic. Has he always been like this or is his behavior getting worse? A very big indicator of having an alcoholic around is that you feel like you are 'always walking on egg shells'. If you suspect that his behavior is from drinking too much you have some decisions to make...you either leave him or you learn how to live with it through attending public meetings of Al-Anon. these meetings are for members of the family of an alcoholic. I am so sorry Whatever you decide to do this is going to be an ugly life for you if he is not going to stop whatever he is doing. You might have to leave for awhile just to think on it. good luck.

     
    Old 02-10-2009, 10:58 AM   #7
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    I agree with Rose - don't be a doormat and what many people do when someone is unreasonable is try to be reasonable with them. This is just what they are looking for - an argument, so you feed into it by trying to "explain" yourself. Don't even bother giving reasons why your fiddling with the radio etc .... skip that. Tell him he's being unbearable and that it has to stop. Don't get into the nuts and bolts of why he is wrong and you are right. Simply tell him to knock it off.

    Having said that - if this isn't normal behavior for him then something is up, whether it be health or something else. At this point you have to get to the bottom of this and regardless of the reason - tell him he needs to stop this behavior - that you're not his verbal punching bag.

    Last edited by cathy1; 02-10-2009 at 12:29 PM.

     
    Old 02-10-2009, 12:08 PM   #8
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    I too agree that how he is treating you is NOT right and you should NOT take it from him. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior.

    Now, with that said, I wonder when this all came about. Is this something that you have been dealing with throughout your marriage only now getting to the point where you can't tolerate it or has it come on all of a sudden? You mentioned he is retired, is that a recent thing? If this is not normal behavior for him I wonder if that may be part of his problem. Maybe he feels out of control so he needs to control what he thinks he can? I'm not making excuses for him here at all only trying to help you see it from all angles. Of course he could just be a total jerk, especially if he has always been like this. Only you can tell us for sure.

    You definately need to talk to him when he is in a good mood. Explain to him that you do not like being verbally berated by him when he is upset. Maybe even suggest therapy so you two can talk things out with an impartial person.

     
    Old 02-11-2009, 01:08 AM   #9
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    Thanks for all these helpful comments which have helped me review the situation. I am away from home at the moment. I think that this has probably been going on a long time, but I just didnt deal with it. Certainly I have said to him in the past that I feel I am walking on eggshells and never see the bombs till they land. He does drink and certainly too much. He has been ill recently too. What a perceptive lot! He has recently found out that he has stomach ulcers and these are being treated. However, I still feel that although he is ill, this is no excuse for him to let go of control. I realise this has been going on for longer than I want to know, really. I shall just tell him, without going into detail, that it has to stop. This is all very hard, but I shall have a go, and really appreciate your helpful advice.

     
    Old 02-11-2009, 03:46 AM   #10
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AnnD View Post
    This all sounds like alcoholic behavior. You are the only one that would know how much he drinks. Read up on behaviors of an alcoholic. Has he always been like this or is his behavior getting worse? A very big indicator of having an alcoholic around is that you feel like you are 'always walking on egg shells'. If you suspect that his behavior is from drinking too much you have some decisions to make...you either leave him or you learn how to live with it through attending public meetings of Al-Anon. these meetings are for members of the family of an alcoholic. I am so sorry Whatever you decide to do this is going to be an ugly life for you if he is not going to stop whatever he is doing. You might have to leave for awhile just to think on it. good luck.
    I dont know much about alcoholics and will read up on what to expect. Do you mean that ranting will take place even when he has not been drinking. My husband is a bit of a nasty drunk, and I avoid him when he has been drinking particularly heavily. But with the car rants he is sober. Can you tell me a bit more. Thanks

    Last edited by cgb; 02-11-2009 at 03:46 AM.

     
    Old 02-11-2009, 06:28 AM   #11
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cgb View Post
    I dont know much about alcoholics and will read up on what to expect. Do you mean that ranting will take place even when he has not been drinking. My husband is a bit of a nasty drunk, and I avoid him when he has been drinking particularly heavily. But with the car rants he is sober. Can you tell me a bit more. Thanks
    do some research on BPD, borderline personality disorder. The ranting, verbal abuse, alcohol problems are all symptoms of BPD.

     
    Old 02-11-2009, 11:44 AM   #12
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    cgb....you mentioned that he is retired. maybe it could be that he is feeling of no value as a breadwinner and its eating away at him. men need to do something and he may be feeling "old" now. aging can really get to a person...whether a man or woman. its quite possible he is coming down with dementia too....they act very irrational. no one we love should treat us like that...but there could be an underlying cause and he doesn't even realize it.

     
    Old 02-11-2009, 01:05 PM   #13
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cgb View Post
    My husband of 7 years seems to have become very controlling and territorial, and it is impossible to discuss these things with him. They are all trivial incidents in themselves. For example, he took a wrong turn in the car, and I suggested he turn back. Up to then, the drive had been normal and companionable. He didnt, but headed on up into a culdesac and we drove around for about 20minutes and eventually got out. I said that I found this sort of thing frustrating. He become enraged and verbally abused me for about 20 minutes.

    I feel that I am unable ever to express any form of discontent, without him becoming very angry. The car is particularly troublesome. If I turn the heating or radio down he becomes incensed. At the end of the tirade mentioned earlier, he said I needed to think things over. I said that he needs to put things in perspective. He said I need to consider why I need to fiddle with the controls in the car, and said that I am manipulating him.

    He is retired and pretty much does as he pleases. He goes off to the pub, to his boat, etc etc and I dont interfere with that. I gave a party for him last year, and suggested we do it again. He said that this time I need to have a plan and should discuss it with him. I said that the party had gone well and people really enjoyed it. he said that I needed to get organised. But I had organised the party, and it did go well.

    I feel rather under the cosh. I imagine he must be feeling unhappy somehow to be so aggressive. he is not physically violent, and I dont suppose he ever will be. But he does get very angry. What to do?

     
    Old 02-11-2009, 01:16 PM   #14
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    Re: Husband become very controlling

    I think a rapid change in personality like this may be a sign of Bi Polar disease.I am not
    a medical person,but know a few who have this condition.Getting him to a doc on this is the toughest part.If he has this,meds can help you both,and give you peace of mind.No
    one has the right to expect that this behavior will be tolerated. Bill

     
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