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    Old 02-12-2009, 05:50 PM   #16
    writeleft
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    "Ok for me to go on a vacation w/o my gf"?

    Yes

     
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    Old 02-13-2009, 07:24 AM   #17
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Wow, lots of replies!

    I appreciate all of them!

    Larrylou'sMom, I see what you're saying about people who stay faithful as long as there is no temptation. One thing my g/f has said to me is "it's not that I don't trust you...it's that I don't trust other women." This basically translates to "I trust you as long as you don't have the opportunity to cheat." Which further translates to..."I don't trust you."

    I feel like this is no way to live. If I were married I would trust my wife to go out with her friends and have fun without me. I would trust her in most every situation. Of course there would be a place to draw the line, and that line is probably diff for every person. Like, I wouldn't want my wife who's out of town for work related issues sharing a hotel room with a male co-worker. That would be inappropriate no matter the trust level we shared.

    I will definitely try to compromise with her on the issue. I have a feeling she won't compromise though, b/c we've talked about similar issues (mostly like, can I meet some friends out at the bar for a guys night.) and her answer has always been an unwavering no. The question here then becomes, how do I proceed? If she won't compromise with me, and she won't accept that my side of the argument is at least somewhat valid...where do I go from there?

    The thing that hurts a little is that I've never cheated on any girlfriend. I've had 3 serious relationships with 2 of which lasting for 3+ years and none of them, no matter how bad the relationship got, did I ever cheat on. I had opportunity to (in college there's plenty of opportunity) and did not take it. I say it hurts a little b/c I've lived a straight and narrow life and I still have women that don't trust me.

    For a good portion of my college years my gf lived 2 hours away and only visited on the weekends. I never saw her during the week. During that time I did not go out to bars or do anything remotely similar out of respect for her "no bars" rule.

     
    Old 02-13-2009, 07:54 AM   #18
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    If a woman wrote here about a man who was as controlling as your GF, there would be a resounding "Get rid of him!" from across the board. How can you live like this, having to ask permission to have a guy's night out! For heaven's sake! You are not married, and even if you were, this is out of order. I think she is using the "trust" thing to manipulate and control you. Don't put up with it; your friends are important. Besides...what would a compromise look like? I can't think of any, really. I have been married for many many years, and neither me nor my husband has EVER had an issue about separate socialising on occasions with friends. I fly off to visit my sister and have a girl holiday; he does the same with a couple of friends for fishing weekends. Asking permission would be ridiculous; we are both free adults, not prisoners. Sera.

     
    Old 02-13-2009, 08:20 AM   #19
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    YES!!!!!!

     
    Old 02-13-2009, 11:17 AM   #20
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tubular View Post
    Wow, lots of replies!

    I appreciate all of them!

    Larrylou'sMom, I see what you're saying about people who stay faithful as long as there is no temptation. One thing my g/f has said to me is "it's not that I don't trust you...it's that I don't trust other women." This basically translates to "I trust you as long as you don't have the opportunity to cheat." Which further translates to..."I don't trust you.".
    I think that's true to a large degree. I don't know, it's been a while since I myself have been in a relationship, and the last one I was in, I was extremely trusting, I totally believed in my boyfriend and trusted him completely, I would have trusted him with my very life, and it turned out to be a HUGE mistake. So, how do you reconcile trusting someone you love against human nature, or man's nature, which BY its nature is fallible and always to some degree, untrustworthy? I don't know. I suspect I would struggle with that one myself. Not to the degree your girlfriend seems to be struggling, but it's not always easy. Wanting to believe that your man is a good man and you can trust him, but also knowing on some level that, as the song says, "men will always be men." It's a tough one sometimes.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tubular View Post
    I will definitely try to compromise with her on the issue. I have a feeling she won't compromise though, b/c we've talked about similar issues (mostly like, can I meet some friends out at the bar for a guys night.) and her answer has always been an unwavering no. The question here then becomes, how do I proceed? If she won't compromise with me, and she won't accept that my side of the argument is at least somewhat valid...where do I go from there?
    I think you have some soul searching to do. Three and a half years is a long time to invest in someone, but perhaps it's time to really start thinking about whether this woman is the right woman for you. On the one hand, it's not just a boy's night out, it's not a poker night or a few beers at the local bar you're talking about, it's the biggest party in the country of the year, where women are running around baring their chests and doing God only knows what else just for a string of beads. It has the reputation of being a no-holds-barred, 24-hour city-wide free-for-all where all rules, inhibition, standards and etiquette just sort of get tossed out the window. To be honest, I wouldn't be too jazzed if my young boyfriend wanted to go with buddies without me, either, especially if his buddies were the type to egg him on and encourage or even bully him to get drunk and "go for it" with some other chick. BUT...it sounds like this isn't just what you're talking about. The problem is much bigger and much more pervasive throughout your relationship than just this one trip. Again, you have some soul searching to do. If you sit down with her and really make sure she knows you've heard her, you take her feelings into consideration, but that you are very very hurt that she doesn't trust you, and that living this way just isn't working for you, and she still is as clingy as she is, then you need sit down with yourself and figure out just what you want. How much you love her, the pros and the cons of being with her, and do the good parts of being with her outweigh this issue of trust? It just depends on who you are and what you want out of a relationship. There are some men who would put up with a woman like her if they loved her enough, some men wouldn't. My ex married a woman who is kind of like this, based on the stories I've heard. She screamed at him in front of all his friends because he was talking to who turned out to be his friend's aunt and cousin and he was just saying hi and she thought he was making time with them. A mutual friend said she's always bossing him and yelling at him. But he loves her very much so he takes it. It's worth it, she's worth it to him. That's what you have to figure out. Is this girl worth it to you? There is no right or wrong answer, only what's in your heart, and only how you really want to live. If you need to have more freedom and feel more trust from her and she just isn't able to give it, then perhaps it's time to really re-evaluate and re-think this relationship. Only you can know that, though.

    It's a shame, but perhaps she has a hard lesson coming. But talk to her, tell her exactly what you've told us, that it hurts that you've been so faithful and straight arrow and she still doesn't trust you. Other women don't matter if the guy is truly trustworthy, they can do what they want, and a truly trustworthy man won't take the bait. But those men are rare. If you are that kind of guy and need to be appreciated as such, then she needs to to know that. And whether she accepts that or not is up to her. And then, well, you've kind of got to let the chips fall where they may. But talk to her, and tell her just what you've told us and see what happens from there. Good luck to you.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-13-2009 at 11:21 AM.

     
    Old 02-13-2009, 11:55 AM   #21
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    If a woman wrote here about a man who was as controlling as your GF, there would be a resounding "Get rid of him!" from across the board. How can you live like this, having to ask permission to have a guy's night out! For heaven's sake! You are not married, and even if you were, this is out of order. I think she is using the "trust" thing to manipulate and control you. Don't put up with it; your friends are important. Besides...what would a compromise look like? I can't think of any, really. I have been married for many many years, and neither me nor my husband has EVER had an issue about separate socialising on occasions with friends. I fly off to visit my sister and have a girl holiday; he does the same with a couple of friends for fishing weekends. Asking permission would be ridiculous; we are both free adults, not prisoners. Sera.
    Exactly Sera! I'm glad you said it because the whole "gender thing" was going to be my next reply!

    Seriously, you just need to say to her this is what I am doing and you either trust me you don't. She will either get over it or not. If she can't trust you away for a weekend after 3.5 years then your relationship has more issues than this. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.

    I looked back at your previous thread and it does appear that your girlfriend is a little bit "needy" when it comes to your time and attention. You need to put your foot down on this as you are not doing anything wrong. You are not married, and as Sera said, even if you were this would still be wrong. You can't be your girlfriend's everything. You just can't.

    My husband and I have done things without eachother many times. We respect and trust eachother. That is what a relationship is all about. I totally agree with you when you say that your girlfriend saying "she trusts you but she doesn't trust the other girls" it does translate into her not trusting you. She doesn't trust that you would do that right thing and that would be bothersome to me to if I were in your shoes, especially when you haven't given her any reason to feel that way.

     
    Old 02-13-2009, 02:27 PM   #22
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    A man who is in a long-term faithful relationship that he is obviously cares about, would be the last guy (in my book) that would throw it all away for a drunken bare-chested floozie in the streets of New Orleans. Really...

    For anyone to think that has quite a low opinion of you. OR... a quite low opinion of her own self worth.

    Either you have strong personal ethics, or you don't. Those close to you should have no doubts about yours, and anything less is insulting.

     
    Old 02-13-2009, 05:16 PM   #23
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
    A man who is in a long-term faithful relationship that he is obviously cares about, would be the last guy (in my book) that would throw it all away for a drunken bare-chested floozie in the streets of New Orleans. Really...

    For anyone to think that has quite a low opinion of you. OR... a quite low opinion of her own self worth.

    Either you have strong personal ethics, or you don't. Those close to you should have no doubts about yours, and anything less is insulting.
    OMG!! Your GF is the type of girl I hope to hell my son never ever dates, and expecially for 3.5 years! GO ON YOUR TRIP AND HAVE FUN! Come home and dump the insecure gf...Thats my advice.
    PLease post when you get back~
    xoxoxox,
    IZZY'SMOM

     
    Old 02-18-2009, 07:20 AM   #24
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Just an update: I told her I was going to visit my friend and she got pretty upset. She told me (in a very upset semi yelling voice) that I wasn't single and that I can't do everything my single friends do. Not sure exactly where she's going with that comment seeing as I haven't done ANYTHING my single friends do. This will be the first time I've had a guys weekend or guys night out since she and I have been together. I told her either she trusts me or she doesn't and her reply was that she didn't trust my friends.


    Anyways...

    She told me she wanted to be alone for the rest of the night and that I needed to leave her apartment. She told me she tried to tell me how she felt about it before, and that obviously her feelings didn't matter, etc etc...wouldn't allow me to talk, said she "didn't want to hear it..." So I left and went home.

    Last edited by Tubular; 02-18-2009 at 07:23 AM.

     
    Old 02-18-2009, 10:42 AM   #25
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Guilt trip! Next she'll be saying if you really loved her you wouldn't even want to go away without her.

    She's a control freak, sounds like borderline psycho...I see your future as pretty bleak if you stay with her. I hope she's the queen of wit, fun and personality because if she has her way, you will never spend time with anyone but her ever again.

     
    Old 02-18-2009, 11:19 AM   #26
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Well, to be fair, she was ok with me going for a rock climbing weekend with the guys but that was out in the woods...no bars or other women to worry about.

    I think she is fine with me going and doing things without her so long as there isn't a chance of alcohol or partying I could get involved in.

     
    Old 02-18-2009, 11:31 AM   #27
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Well then I guess you'll be skipping this trip. Too bad, because this is only the start.

     
    Old 02-18-2009, 11:50 AM   #28
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    I am going!

     
    Old 02-18-2009, 12:07 PM   #29
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tubular View Post
    I am going!
    Good for you! She is definately trying to guilt trip you so don't fall for it. She is hoping that if she pouts and pushes you away that you will feel sorry for her and not go. I'm glad you are standing up for yourself. You haven't done anything wrong. Don't change your mind and decide to stay home and I will be very disappointed.

     
    Old 02-18-2009, 12:26 PM   #30
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Good! Glad to read that... before I got to your post saying "your going" I thought you weren't going.

    These are your good friends and just because you may go to a bar and are around alcohol does not mean anything, it's her problem that she has trust issues not yours!

     
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