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    Old 02-12-2009, 12:37 PM   #1
    Tubular
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    Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    So my best friend from college moved halfway across the country after we graduated. I haven't seen him in 3 years and he just moved back to within a few hours drive from me (new orleans).

    He's invited me, along with a couple other guys from our friend circle (all guys), to come visit for the weekend.

    Problem is that my g/f doesn't approve of me going without her. She's ok with me going camping or mountain biking without her, but this is New Orleans, and it's Mardi Gras.

    I guess in her mind there is much more temptation there and it's an overall party atmosphere?

    Honestly I don't really like N.O. that much...it's not really my scene...I'm not a fan of cities. I've told her in the past that I don't like N.O. and I already know she's going to use that as part of her argument why I should not go.

    My main reason for not liking the place is the crowds and the safety...it's pretty dangerous there. I can't do much about the crowds, but I think we'll be safe in a group of 4 guys.

    I haven't seen my bud in years so it really shouldn't matter what I've said in the past about visiting a city. But anyway, I was just putting that out there b/c I know she's going to say something about it.

    My friends have been asking me about going for weeks now and I've been giving them the run-around. I continue to avoid the topic b/c I don't want to start an argument with my gf. I'm not sure how I should approach this conversation with her without us having a blowout argument about it. I am very non-confrontational type person.

    In case anyone is wondering if she has a reason to not trust me, I'll go ahead and let you know that I have never cheated on her. She has never cheated on me.

    So for anyone that has an opinion on this matter, or for anyone who's been through something similar, I'd like to hear (or read) what you have to say.

    Thanks!

     
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    Old 02-12-2009, 01:07 PM   #2
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Tubular,

    I would encourage you to finalize your plans with your college freinds, and make the trip. Whatever you have said about New Orleans in the past, has no bearing on going there to meet old friends.

    Long term friendships are worth their weight in gold. To maintain these lifelong relationships, they require taking every chance you have to keep them strong. College buddies are the dearest of friends throughout our lives, while girlfriends are on and off.

    Do you and your girlfriend live together? In a trusting and loving relationship each partner has to be able to encourage the other to live without boundaries. Jealousy and fear should not be involved in something as harmless and fun as a weeknend with the guys!

    She owes it to you, to let you go, let you pack, and see you off with a big smile on her face. That's what trusting, loving adults do. Don't let her talk you out of it. Tell us all about it, too!

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 02:18 PM   #3
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    If you have given her NO reason for her not to trust you then by all means deffinatly go. Really, the only reason you shouldn't go is if you have other intentions besides hanging out with you buddies, but it seems pretty clear that's the only thing you want out of this trip. Maybe just tell her you'll make sure to call and check in everyday if that will make her feel better, but like writeleft said, girlfriends can come and go, but these are your FRIENDS. Maybe even show her that you're getting female opinions on the situation. ha! Plus, it wouldn't be a true "guys weekend" with your girlfriend hanging around, even if she is awesome and a lot of fun.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 02:19 PM   #4
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Of course it's okay for you to go away without your girlfriend! You should make your plans with your friends and enjoy yourself. All you have to say to her is that you haven't seen your friends in a while and you are going to have a guy weekend. Whether or not you have mentioned not liking New Orleans in the past holds no bearings here whatsoever. Encourage her to do a girl weekend with some of her friends. Maybe if she has something for herself to look forward to she won't be so focused on what you are doing.

    Not that it makes a difference I do have to ask, how long have you two been together? Also, how old are you guys? I think sometimes the "younger" the couple the more insecure they tend to feel about this sort of thing. That's not true for all couples but I know it to be true in many cases.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 02:24 PM   #5
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Isn't it really difficult to date someone so insecure? That kind of thing drives me nuts. I think you should totally go, have a great time, and don't worry about her. I don't even know you and I don't think you're going to do anything bad. You seem to be a genuine guy and I can't see why she would have a problem with it. Except for the fact that she is totally insecure and needs to get over herself.

    Go, have fun, be with your friends, and be happy that you have an opportunity to see them again.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 02:37 PM   #6
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Thanks for the replies everyone. That is the stuff I need to hear. I felt inside that it was ok, but she tells me that she wouldn't go do stuff without me so I should respect her and not do stuff without her.

    By stuff she's talking about bars and that sorta thing. I don't care for bars as much as I used to...they used to be fun but I just can't stand the crowds and smoke anymore!

    I am 29 and she is 26. We've been dating for about 3.5 years.

    The only thing I've ever done in the past that might give her some reason to question me is that when I get a few drinks in me, everyone I meet is my friend.

    A couple times we've gone out with friends (she and I both went) and I had a few drinks and talked to a few random females in the bar. Mostly this was b/c I happened to be standing near them while I was at the bar waiting for our drinks or waiting for the bartender to bring me my receipt. Just smalltalk. She says that girls take it the wrong way and think I'm hitting on them.

    I've never touched any girl or asked any phone numbers or anything like that. I'm just a friendly person overall.

    Last edited by Tubular; 02-12-2009 at 02:38 PM.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 02:42 PM   #7
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    If she can't trust you after 3.5 years of dating to have a weekend with the guys will she ever trust you? Seriously, it's not a big deal! My husband and I both have our nights out (and yes, sometimes at bars) and weekends away without eachother. We encourage eachother to do it. We don't do it all of the time but we need that time for ourselves and our friends. It's healthy and normal.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 03:06 PM   #8
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    I think a certain level of trust is important in a relationship, but I gotta say, I also think it's not realistic to completely trust your SO in any and all situations. I personally don't believe in soul mates, at least not everyone has one, and I think most couples stay together NOT because they are perfect for each other and they love and trust one another and their love is pure and perfect, blah blah blah, but rather, they stay together simply because neither party ever just met anyone better, and they were never tempted, and one of the ways you make sure that your SO never meets anyone who will siren him off is to keep tempation down to a minimum. That's one school of thought anyway. Not a perfect one, but it's 'not totally meritless, either. I do think sometimes the "trust him completely, if he wanders away, he was never yours" philosophy is a bit naive. EVen one poster said, girlfriends come and go, are off and on. Because love is fickle and people don't commit to each other anymore and everyone has hundreds and hundreds of people they could happily be in a relationship with. Jsut because you've never cheated before doesn't mean you never will even if some incredibly gorgeous, irresistable woman comes along and drops herself in your lap and all your buddies and egging you on to "go for it" and you're not a real man if you don't, etc. etc. etc. you know how guys get, especially when they are drunk.

    All this to say, I think your girlfriend is being a bit clingy and insecure, but not without reason, either. So how about a compromise? I think if you totally disregard her feelings and say "well, I want to go so I'm going and I don't care what you think" that will drive a wedge between the two of you that will be hard to get past. I think you need to make it clear to her that this trip is very very important to you, but so are her feelings. You could promise to call her at the same time every day while you're gone, or make sure she has your hotel number, or something. Stay in contact and make sure she knows you're thinking about her and not up to anything hinky while you're gone. then when you prove yourself trustworthy, next time will be easier for her.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-12-2009 at 03:09 PM.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 03:14 PM   #9
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    I would think that after a 3 1/2 year faithful realtionship, the "proving" has been done. Many, many men never cheat. Can't a guy just have a few days to have some fun? Why does cheating even come up?

    Last edited by writeleft; 02-12-2009 at 03:19 PM.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 03:27 PM   #10
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
    I would think that after a 3 1/2 year faithful realtionship, the "proving" has been done. Many, many men never cheat. Can't a guy just have a few days to have some fun? Why does cheating even come up?
    It just depends on your basic relationship philosophy. I don't believe proving is ever "done." It starts new every day. I could name you half a dozen men who were flawlessly faithful to their wives for years and years, until they met the woman they left their wife for. It's not always a matter of a guy having cheating in his nature, but sometimes it's a matter of curbing temptation and opportunity. If these men had never met, never been allowed to be alone with the women they left their wives for, who knows? Maybe they'd still be satisfactorily, or even happily married to the wives they started with. Some women don't subscribe to that philosophy, some do. Sure a guy can go and have fun with his buddies, but some women believe that men will always be men and you're a fool if you trust even the most loyal, loving man too far with too much. Sounds like perhaps she's this kind of woman, at least to some degree. Either learn to live with it and deal with it and compromise with it, or find another girlfriend. But to simply disregard her feelings and go on the trip without reaching some kind of compromise and some kind of truce about the situation will only leave her feeling resentful, put off, disrespected and disregarded on top of being wary of possible cheating, and that's not going to do the relationship any good. Unless ou don't care about whether you damage the relationship or not.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-12-2009 at 03:29 PM.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 03:31 PM   #11
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Well, if you choose to look at the glass half empty, that's what you get. When a woman has that attitude, it's all on her.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 03:39 PM   #12
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
    Well, if you choose to look at the glass half empty, that's what you get. When a woman has that attitude, it's all on her.
    I'm not sure what this means. That only women who expect to get cheated on actually get cheated on, and men never cheat on a woman who believes he never will? I also know a lot of formerly trusting, currently betrayed, foolish feeling and shocked women as well who would disagree with that. but that's really beside the point. The point is Tubular, your girlfriend has big problems with you going on this trip. If you just go and don't talk it out with her and reach some kind of compromise, it will cause even bigger issues in your relationship. Who knows, possibly even end it. Ultimately, you either care about that or you don't.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-12-2009 at 03:41 PM.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 04:02 PM   #13
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    If the debate is about who knows the most crappy men, I'm happy to loose that one.

    It isn't. The beauty of the boards is to get many differant opinions, and then make your own decision. I have perfectly good reasons for my opinion, and because they are differant than yours, Larrylou'smom... doesn't make them any less valid.

    I base my opinions on my 48 years of positive experiences with men...starting with my father, ending with my husband, and including raising two wonderful sons, and many wonderful men friends. I have never been cheated on, nor have I ever cheated. I can imagine if my experiences were differant, my opinions would be differant as well.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 04:59 PM   #14
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
    If the debate is about who knows the most crappy men, I'm happy to loose that one.

    It isn't. The beauty of the boards is to get many differant opinions, and then make your own decision. I have perfectly good reasons for my opinion, and because they are differant than yours, Larrylou'smom... doesn't make them any less valid.

    I base my opinions on my 48 years of positive experiences with men...starting with my father, ending with my husband, and including raising two wonderful sons, and many wonderful men friends. I have never been cheated on, nor have I ever cheated. I can imagine if my experiences were differant, my opinions would be differant as well.
    I'm not debating anything. But I do need to clarify something. The men I spoke of are not "crappy" men at all. They are all amazingly loyal, loving, devoted, attentive, wonderful husbands to their second wives and have been happily married to their second wives for years, in many cases decades. There are just two schools of thought. One, these men would never have stayed no matter how you curbed temptation, or two, these men could have, would have stayed in their first marriages had they not met their second wives or been given the opportunity to let the relationship grow to the point where they wanted to leave their first marriages. That's a debate for the ages. But that wouldn't help Tubular.

    Tubular, all I'm saying is that nothing anyone here says will make your girlfriend feel any better about you going off to Mardi Gras with your buddies. She is who she is and she feels how she feels. A solution has to come from the two of you. You have reasons for wanting to go, and she has reasons why she's not comfortable with it. I'm just saying talk it out. She can't just say "no, you can't go!!" and you can't just say "well, I don't care how you feel, I'm going!!" Talk it out, honestly and openly, and hopefully you can reach a compromise that you both are satisfied with.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-13-2009 at 04:54 AM.

     
    Old 02-12-2009, 05:47 PM   #15
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    Re: Ok for me to go on vacation w/o my gf?

    Two things leap to mind here. The first is to wonder why anyone, man or woman would ever think that somebody shouldn't go on a weekend away with their old friends without getting the partner"s knickers in a twist about it. What is she, your mother??? This controlling stuff has no place in a adult relationship. The second thing is, if you were going to cheat, you could just as easily do it without going to another city to do it - so is the trust only as long as the leash you are on? Tell her to get a grip! Sera.

     
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