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Why am I so insecure?

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Old 02-14-2009, 12:07 AM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 63
d3sire HB User
Why am I so insecure?

I have no legitimate reason to think/feel that my boyfriend of 5 years is cheating on me, but the smallest thing makes my mind race with crazy thoughts. If he gets mad at me, the first thing I think is that he is creating a fight on purpose, in order not to spend time with me & to spend time with another girl. Tonight, after he dropped me off at home I called him only to find his cell turned off. I overract & start having visions of him off at a strip club or out with some other girl. I keep calling until I get an answer & he explains that his battery died & his phone was charging, makes perfect sense, why do I overract? Earlier this week while he was in the shower I find his phone bill lying on the counter, I write down every number I don't know, take the list home, block my number & call them. They all are either work related, male friends or things like car repair shops etc. No suspicous girls, no "massage parlors" or strip clubs. On nights that we don't spend together & he says he'll be watching a game with a friend or playing poker etc. I find myself questioning his stories, is he really just watching the game? It's crazy, I know. He has never given me reason to doubt him, so why do I? I know my erratic behavior will only drive him away. I really want to trust him, and he DESERVES to be trusted, but I can't.

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Old 02-14-2009, 12:23 AM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 63
lonelygurl2 HB User
Re: Why am I so insecure?

I am a very insecure person, and over the years and through therapy for me I have come to realize I am insecure because I had a very bad childhood. I was abused physically and emotionally. As well, when my parents were together my father would abuse my mother. My dad continued with the abuse into my early teens and the emotional abuse continued through into my adulthood. Not being told your good enough, or basically that anything you do is right.

As well, my mother was never around to offer any support or to talk about stuff.

I'm not sure if you can root your childhood of any events of younger years that may have made you not feel safe that my bring up your feelings as an adult. Or maybe something has happened between you and your partner that has made you feel untrustworthy?

Usually we need to feel secure within ourselves in order to feel secure in a relationship.
I also have had problems in relationships with trust issues always.

Old 02-14-2009, 04:35 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 503
brokenhearted83 HB User
Re: Why am I so insecure?

Hello d3sire

Wow, that must feeling pretty grim!

I'm thinking there must be a reason as to why you feel like this and that doesn't necessarily mean because of the actions of your boyfriend but rather may be something from your past?

I know you probably know this already but I think you really need help with this before your boyfriend realizes (to be honest, he's probably aware of it) how distrustful you are of him and starts to damage your relationship.

I'd recommend some counselling. I've been twice and it can help. Loads.

Would you consider it? Have you been before? I know for some people who haven't been before, and aren't familiar with it, can find it a little daunting and wonder whether they are crazy or not. Don't think like that because it is just talking a way through your problems, whether it being insecure or having broken up with someone to really, really major stuff like bereavement.

If not, then why not try out some self help books in insecurity and relationships? There are tonnes, packed full of great, invaluable stuff.

Try searching through the books at a local shop or search on an online search engine and some websites even let you look into a few pages of some books.

Good luck!

Last edited by moderator2; 02-16-2009 at 08:14 PM.

Old 02-14-2009, 07:24 AM   #4
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Pa
Posts: 2,395
Jess75 HB UserJess75 HB User
Re: Why am I so insecure?

I'm just curious, have you been cheated on before?

Old 02-14-2009, 01:28 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Florida
Posts: 656
cathy1 HB Usercathy1 HB User
Re: Why am I so insecure?

Does he go to strip clubs or get massages? I know that if the person I were seeing frequented those places I wouldn't be too happy about it. On the other hand, if he doesn't go to these places all the time then this is about you. 99% of the time insecurity stems from childhood issues and it's not easy to root this out without therapy. You continue to play out your childhood throughout life unless their is some kind of resoultion/ knowldege to why you're doing these things as it has become ingrained in who you are.

The fastest way to lose a guy is by unwarranted jealousy, being clingy, being really insecure, controlling, and drilling a guy with questions about what, why how who etc etc. Just ask yourself how you would feel if you were doing nothing wrong and a man was acting this way towards you. It's really hard to change this behavior until you know the nuts and bolts on why you're doing it.

Last edited by cathy1; 02-14-2009 at 01:29 PM.

Old 02-14-2009, 09:34 PM   #6
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 63
d3sire HB User
Re: Why am I so insecure?

Thanks for the replies.

Jessicca - To my knowledge I have never been cheated on. My current boyfriend has been my only serious boyfriend to date & as far as I am aware he has never cheated.

cathy1 - He doesn't frequent strip clubs or "massage parlors", atleast not that I am aware of. A few months ago he told me that he had gone to a strip club once w/a friend last summer & it was after we had gotten into an argument. I think my new *obsession* with the idea of him at strip clubs stems from this inccident. He did tell me about it but it wasn't until months afterwards, which makes me wonder what else he is hiding. If he had been straight forward about it, I would have been hurt & jealous, yes, but because he hid it so long it reinforces my trust issues. Also he has a friend who has a live-in girlfriend that regularly goes to strip clubs, where he brags about getting *extras*. My boyfriend insists that he doesn't go, & I really don't have any proof or sound reason to believe that he does.

I 100% agree with you on my insecurities/distrust pushing him away. I know this needs to change.

lonelygurl2 - Thank you for sharing your experiences. I wasn't abused/molested as a child. I have always had a pretty good relationship with my mother. I do wonder if my insecurities and constant fears of being "abandoned" are related to my father who was absent for a good majority of my childhood.

What you said about having to feel secure with ourselves in order to feel secure in a relationship made a lot of sense to me. I don't feel secure with myself, and I think thats probably where I should start.

brokenhearted83 - I will give counselling a try. I have gone in the past, but didn't find it particularly helpful. It was many years ago though, and I don't think I was as open to the idea as I am now. I recently went to see my family doctor who put a referal in for counselling, however the waiting list is fairly long. I am hoping it will help to get at the root of my issues.

I really just feel like cheating is the norm. You hear about men cheating on their wives/girlfriends all the time, why would my relationship be any different? What makes me so special that my boyfriend wont end up cheating on me? I feel like if I let my gaurd down, if I start feeling secure that I will end up being one of those girls oblivious to the signs that their boyfriend is cheating. I do feel like my boyfriend and I communicate well and I really want to believe that he is always truthful, but what guy admitts that he is cheating?

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