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KRPAT167 02-17-2009 04:06 PM

He cheated, should I forgive him????????/
So this is sort of a long story but here goes it. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We were both each others first and all that stuff. We have always talked about marriage and were both totally committed to one another, we just needed to wait until I graduate college in about 2 years. Well 2 years ago he had this friend at work and they talked a lot were just really good friends. Then one night he got drunk and was texting her, he actually told her he loved her (he meant as a friend). She told him she loved him but meant it like for real. He swears he had no feelings for her, he really thought the conversation was innocent, but then turned into something else. I think of this as emotionally cheating, whether you believe in that or not is whatever. Anyway, I have been pretty much over it for a while, its just that every now and again I get insecure. Well recently he moved 4 hours away for work. This is something we both discussed and decided that it was best for our futures financially. So then there was this girl at work again. They were friends and all which was cool. He can have all the friends he wants. But I just found out that he was cheating on me with her for about a week and a half. He had been telling me that he was going out with a guy friend of his, but actually he had been going out with another group of people and she was always there. They were both drunk at a club and they kissed. Then after that she would go to his apt and hang out and eat lunch and whatever. He swears they never had sex, which i believe. He completely admitted everything to me after I found out. He says that he was just trying to figure out how to tell me, but I wonder if I hadn't found out if he would have just kept on pretending it didn't happen. He broke the whole thing off with her after about a week and a half because apparently he realized that, now after 5 years, he really just can't be with anyone else but me and that he has never been more sorry in his life. He says that he just got lonely b/c we don't really get to see each other much and that he never had intentions to cheat. I truly believe he is telling the truth. I know that he had been kind of doubting things in our relationship b/c it is scary to be w/ the same person and never know what else is out there. But I am doing it just fine. Never had the urge to cheat. How can i be sure this won't happen again? Is it possible to forgive him and to regain that trust in him? He has given me all of his passwords to email accounts and such, says I can go through his phone and that he will do anything to build that trust back, but is it possible? I want to, I love him with all my heart, and I don't want to be with anyone else, but how can I be in a realationship with someone I don't trust????? Please help, I am going through HELL!!!!!


Seraph 02-17-2009 04:44 PM

Re: He cheated, should I forgive him????????/
There have been two occurences now. I feel that you could have forgiven the fisrt one (as you did), but the fact that he cheated again would have huge alarm bell ringing for me as to the future of this relationship. Possibly he has a bit of growing up to do and wild oats to sow, but not on your dime. Let him go (at least for now), tell him to try again when he has his act together. Sera.

happymom28 02-17-2009 04:56 PM

Re: He cheated, should I forgive him????????/
Have you ever heard the expression "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"? He screwed up once and you forgave him. Then he did basically the same thing and took it a step further. How can you trust him again? Honestly, after two times I don't think I could. Maybe some time and space will help you to really think about things. I know five years together is a long time and all, but you deserve more than what you are getting.

negot 02-17-2009 05:22 PM

Re: He cheated, should I forgive him????????/
You forgave him the first time, but he did it again. This is a preview of what your life is going to be like if you marry him.

Tivo123 02-17-2009 05:32 PM

Re: He cheated, should I forgive him????????/
I wouldn't....I'm just sayin. A guy cheats on me ONCE and it's over. I don't allow myself to be disrespected that way, and you should not either. He's had his chances, he screwed up again, forget it. He's a cheater and should always be labeled a cheater and should never be allowed to have another relationship again. I hate cheaters, I really do. I've had too much experience being on the receiving end and I don't forgive that.

It's the ultimate betrayal. Don't let yourself be sweet-talked into staying. You can do better. He probably can't, cause he's a bottom-feeder. That's why he's trying so hard to keep you with him. Cause he knows what he is and that if word gets out that he's a cheater, he will never find anyone else to put up with his nonsense.

cathy1 02-17-2009 08:52 PM

Re: He cheated, should I forgive him????????/
I have to agree with the other posters. Once is bad enough (and once is all they get with me), but he did it twice.

People that are habitual cheaters have a tendancy to be great liars and they also will only tell you the minimal of what transpired when they cheated.

If someone cheated on me twice I would never be able to trust them. And the fact that he cheated because you weren't right there and he was "lonely"? well that's a great excuse. What if he gets lonely again?

Tivo... I'm with you... I can't stand cheaters. I learned the hard way when an ex of mine cheated on me.. begged for my forgiveness and foolishly I let him come back into my life, only to get sneakier and cheat on me again.

I'm not saying that no relationship can survive a betrayal but it depends on the circumstances.... but if it's done twice.... forget it.

pendulum 02-18-2009 05:14 AM

Re: He cheated, should I forgive him????????/
Hmm, I tend to agree with Seraph on this one. This man seems very much confused about his feelings, his masculinity, and what he wants out of his life. You can forgive him again, but hard as it may seem, you'd be better to end the relationship or [I]maybe suspend it[/I]. His lying to you (saying he was hanging out with a guy instead) is a sign that he didn't mean well to begin with. Being drunken isn't a real excuse, either. Indeed, often people drink alcohol to be able to do things that they know to be wrong. I know breaking up hurts, but being with someone and having to be on the lookout for him 24 hours a day will drain you.

Give him a lesson. He is not a king. Move away from him, and see how it feels to you.

rosequartz 02-18-2009 07:24 AM

Re: He cheated, should I forgive him????????/
get rid of him.....he's just not that into you......if he was he wouldn't have done that.

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