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  • She's gone, and the house feels EMPTY

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    Old 02-19-2009, 12:40 AM   #1
    Quidam67
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    She's gone, and the house feels EMPTY

    Approx 4 years ago, a young lady came to a class I teach. She pursued me relentlessly and it resulted into the start of a relationship.

    I knew she was young, but when I found out the full extent of our age gab (nearly 20 years) I ended it.

    What followed was endless stream of text messages, phonecalls, emails, and visits to my home.

    I eventually gave into this, knowing many elements of society would judge me harshly on all sorts of grounds. I gave into this because upon breaking up with her, I already felt a strong bond had already formed, and we were both suffering greatly.

    For the first year together, I would say she went through a major healing process. Her mum (a Prostitute) committed suicide when she was 13 (she found the body) and her Dad spends most his time drinking Beer and smoking Pot. She has a younger brother with emotional issues and a learning disability. This young woman, at 18, was the only adult in her dysfunctional family.

    I understand dysfunction very well, having spent several years cutting off all contact with almost all of my immediate family, moving to another city, and then making something of myself. It wasn't that I didn't love them (my mum has become the most beautiful human being) it was pure survival instinct. It felt like the only way I could be who I wanted to be. It was a good choice at the time, because I did my own healing, and discovered a lot to like about who I am. I became financially stable, and I was happy, even if I was isolated, I made a new life and it felt like I was following my own destiny.

    At night, she would lay in my lap while we watched TV, and I would stroke her hair. I only say this because these moments were precious to me. Precious because I could feel her healing. Day by day, week by week, month by month, the wounds were closing. I wondered at what she was going to become, I was sure it would be something beautiful.

    Financially, I gave her security. She had the space and the things she needed to achieve in her academic endevors as an Acupuncturist. I am very proud of what she has achieved, and all going well, she will graduate with a degree this year.

    Our second year together I would call a more mature time for both of us. We were more settled, and had found a very comfortable routine. Sex was not so often for us now, and here the first real issue raised it's head in that I never initiated, I always left it to her. I would say it was due to deep issues of self-esteem within myself, that even with everying I've done and acheived in my new life, I am still encumbered with, and I think may always be. This didn't seem to be a problem at the time, she kept our sex life active, but I think not as active as she would have liked.

    So then perhaps there was also the issue that why I chose this relationship was not based so much on physical attraction. I loved her heart, and it made me happy to be giving to someone else when I'd spent so much time being a selfish *******, not something I really needed to be anymore, but old habbits die hard.

    Towards the latter half of our third year, things started to change. For my part, I think I got lazy (with regards to the relationship). I also think while before she was the catipiler, now she was the butterfly, and she didn't need to lie in my lap anymore, she wanted to see what the world had to offer.

    So she really did stop initiating sex, and it started to eat at the back of my mind, but I didn't pay it too much attention. The sex never meant that much to me anyway, and of course I wasn't about to start initiating, when it threatened my own latent fear of rejection. In hindsight, I'd say it was a serious sign that things were falling apart between us.

    The warmth was going from our Kisses. They were starting to feel fake. There was a sort of tension between us, we didn't hold hands like before, even though we still followed the same basic routines that had seemed so fulfilling before.

    Towards the end, she started staying out later on a regular basis. I still have no idea for sure if this was because she had actually started seeing someone else. I actually doubt it, but I do think there is someone else she had developed an interest in. Regardless, it was actually starting to hurt me now, and I even found myself feeling a little bit lonely sometimes. A strange feeling that I had not felt in a long time. It was unsettling, and it only resulted in me treating her more coldy.

    So last night, after she arrived home late, and I asked her where she was and why she had not tex'd me, I listened to an answer but really heard nothing. I hadn't really asked a question, I was just making a point.

    So then it happened. She was going to take a "break" from me to stay with a friend. It wasn't the end of the relationship, she just wanted to "find herself". I'm not sure how much of it was hurt pride, but this definately felt like the end. I swear I tried to be as reasonable and as adult as I could be. I told her she could leave when she wanted, and take her stuff when she wanted. But something died inside. I told her I would sleep in the guest bedroom (like an aloof *****) and I lay in that bed feeling something in my stomach that would not let me sleep. I was numb with emotional pain.

    When I got up in the morning I found a note on our bed, and she was gone. She had not stayed the night, and I now remember hearing her leave, but just didn't realise it. Knowing I'd truly spent the night alone, and that she had not been in the other room like I thought, hit me very hard.

    Shes gone. I mean, she's really gone. I've heard nothing at all from her today, and her Pet Rabbit, whom I bought her for Christmas, is currently under my full care. I know she will want to take him, and whether it means anything or not, I adore the little fella. He has a whole room to himself, and he gets nothing but the best hay and herbs.

    So I spent today opening doors I had closed in another lifetime. I talked to my Mum for hours, and my stepdad. I spent time with one of my few close friends, we went to the forest together and walked the tracks. I told my Boss what had happened and I now have a few days away from the pressure of my job so that I can hopefully function again when I need to.

    But there is no getting away from this, the love of my life is gone, and I don't think there is any going back.

    I'm writing this because I feel like the last few years have to mean something. They were the best years of my life and I did something I am proud of.

    I'm also writing this because the silent walls are screaming so loud inside my head that it frightens me.

     
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    Old 02-19-2009, 12:55 AM   #2
    Seraph
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    Re: She's gone, and the house feels EMPTY

    It sounds to me like the old saying "You don't know what you have got 'til it's gone". It is not like this happened overnight, is it? You basically let it happen without doing anything to work on the relationship. I would have wondered, if I were her, whether you even cared one way or the other. Maybe even now, you can tell her what you feel, but it sounds like she tried for a long time. Sorry I can't be more hopeful, Sera.

     
    Old 02-19-2009, 01:32 AM   #3
    Quidam67
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    Re: She's gone, and the house feels EMPTY

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    It sounds to me like the old saying "You don't know what you have got 'til it's gone". It is not like this happened overnight, is it? You basically let it happen without doing anything to work on the relationship. I would have wondered, if I were her, whether you even cared one way or the other. Maybe even now, you can tell her what you feel, but it sounds like she tried for a long time. Sorry I can't be more hopeful, Sera.
    Sera you are right, but I don't think it was quite as one sided as you make it out to be. But considering how many more years I have on my shoulders, you would think I should have learnt by now. Actually, if that were the case I would NEVER have let this happen in the first place.

    And about how I feel? That even though I hold a deep love for her that I think will always mean we will be connected, that she made the right choice: The relationship was based on something that was never going to last.

    I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

     
    Old 02-19-2009, 07:16 AM   #4
    klava
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    Re: She's gone, and the house feels EMPTY

    I wish I could give you a (((((hug)))).

    Yet "if you love somebody, set him free" -- it's hard, but let her figure out and see from a distance the person she left. Her youth works in her the way it is supposed to work, - she needs to see who she is without anyone's support.

    During her break, she may meet people through whom she will realize just what you are and what you were to her. Funny sometimes how we need to have a distance to really be able to see.

    My husband is almost 17 years older than me, and I still thank the fate that I met him. I met him though when we were 38 and 55 and I was way past my self-searches... I was able to appreciate, unlike in my younger years.

    About keeping romance and holding hands for years... You had it the way any couple would have, don't beat yourself over that. Yes it's nice to have romantic splurges now and again but it's a myth that you can be eternally in love just like in the first year... Couples who realize that become much happier...

     
    Old 02-19-2009, 07:20 AM   #5
    Jess75
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    Re: She's gone, and the house feels EMPTY

    Aww wish I could give you a hug too...I hope it all works out for you...you must be feeling so sad right now.

    Last edited by Jess75; 02-19-2009 at 07:38 AM. Reason: mispelled "fake story"

     
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