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  • My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

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    Old 02-20-2009, 10:13 AM   #1
    axynia
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    My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    Im sure that someone out here has or may have experienced this situation. I need all the help I can get.
    My boyfriend or ex boyfriend met three months ago and began to talk as friends. Our conversations were wonderful and things began to get serious between us and fast! We were so happy. I knew that he had alot to deal with when it came to the passing of his wife, but he kept telling me that I was what he needed. So, instead of using my brain, I used my heart and got dumped because of the guilt he felt because he had feelings for me and the feelings he still had for his wife. And now I am hurting because I am already in love with him and can't let go of him. I have told him to take the time he needs to heal and we can be friends, but this is really hard. I miss us! But I know I can't be selfish and think of myself only and that he is hurting worse than I am. However, a part of me wants to walk away and the other part wants to run to him. If I love him as I say I do, then I will give him time and space to heal. I just wished that he would at least let me know that he is thinking about me or cares for me. Most would tell me to walk away, but this is even harder to do because there is a child involved. She is a beautiful 16yr old that I have taken to get her hair done, shopping, and even let her stay at my house when he has had work to do. She is also a student of mine now and she is a constant reminder of what I had with him. She lost her mother and tells me that she would love to come and stay with me because her dad is making her crazy. But, then I can only tell her that I am here for her if she needs anything. So, here I am trying not to hurt this girl because she just lost her mother and it was the guilt about her mother that got me dumped! Talk about heartbreak and confusion. I am truly confused because when he dumped me, he had said some really horrible things to me. Like it was all a lie and that he never felt for me or when he wakes up in the morning he doesn't think of me and he should. But, then he will say I did feel comfortable with you at times. It so confusing. What do I do??? Any suggestions??? Especially if you are a man and has lost your wife...can you please share??

     
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    Old 02-20-2009, 10:28 AM   #2
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    I guess you'd have to ask yourself this - if you were in love with a man and he had died fairly recently and you met someone else - would you be able to let go of your deceased husband and move into another relationship without guilt and with a free heart to love someone else? It's hard to give someone space but in this situation it's the right thing to do.

    You have to step away and give him time. He will come to you if he cares for you and when he puts things in order. If you push him, you will push him away. This has to be on his terms and not yours. Don't shut yourself off from him but don't stop living your life either until he comes around. You've let him know how you feel and that you're there for him. For now, that's all you can do.

    The subject of your post is telling. He didn't leave you for her - this is not someone going back to an ex wife or moving onto another woman. He left because he has to deal with his grief. If you look at this as him "dumping" you for someone else... well.. its not even close to that.

    This may also be a combination of grief for him and perhaps he's feeling that you're in love with him and maybe he doesn't have the same feelings for you.

    Last edited by cathy1; 02-20-2009 at 10:35 AM.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 10:34 AM   #3
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    I know I have no choice, but what do I do about his daughter? This is what is hurting me the most because its hard to give him space when I see her often.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 10:43 AM   #4
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    This man simply is not ready for a relationship. He's very emotionally unavailable right now. And the sad fact is, that when he IS ready and emotionally available to try love again, he will probably want a fresh start with someone else, not you. I think you should just chalk it up to bad timing and accept that this guy is one you need to pass on. You will only end up very hurt if you keep waiting around for him to be ready to love you.

    I think you have the right to take care of yourself. If you don't, who will? If you can be friends with his daughter and keep it separate from what's going on, or not going on, between you and him, then great. If you can't and it will only cause you pain to have her around and knowing that her dad can't give you what you want, then you have the right to that as well. Good luck.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 10:54 AM   #5
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    Thats just it...I can't keep it separate. And believe me I wished I could. And also, about him may wanting a fresh start...well, he told me that he wanted us to play things by ear and that he knew he would be jealous if I started dating someone else and that he just needed a little time because their anniversary is in the next week and so is her birthday and he had to deal with this alone. So, I told him we would be friends and help him through this and that I would wait for him to clear his head...and then we would see...cause I couldn't date anyone else anyway...lol

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 11:31 AM   #6
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    LLM's is right. This man is simply not ready for you or any other female in his life. You say he said horrible things to you......were you hanging on? Were you not willing to listen to him when he said it wasn't working? He might have felt like he had to get rough with you in order to make you understand that it was over.

    This is really sad for you I know. In another time, things might have been great between the two of you. I don't think this is a matter of anyone being mean or using anyone....I think you both went into this thinking it was right, and he finally had to face the fact that he wasn't ready or that you are NOT his wife! I am sure he is hurting as well, like you said.

    What you should do? Nothing. Your options are gone. There is no need to try and work this out, because I promise you if you contact this man again, he will say more horrible things to you. He has made up his mind, and he has told you what his decision is.......as far as his daughter is concerned.....be there for her....do not ask about or bring up her dad.....help her away from him and with no expectations of that getting you back into this mans life.

    It's time to move on.
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    Last edited by Mileena42; 02-20-2009 at 11:32 AM.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 12:29 PM   #7
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    I personally don't think that he would want a fresh start with someone else as another poster had said because that's just assuming something too bluntly especially without knowing exactly how he feels. I don't think he's emotionally ready for anybody given the information you provided. I would try to allow him some space, leave him alone, don't call, don't have high expectations and if he comes back, that's wonderful. The biggest mistake one can make in my opinion, is expecting someone to come back by waiting and waiting only to find yourself hurting more when they don't return. Expect the worse(him not coming back) and hope for the best. In other words try to get over him NOW...it may be the end or it may not be. Give him time to heal, he seems to be feeling guilty because he was seeing you, which I believe is a normal part of the grieving process when it comes to relationships in this type of situation. Him saying those mean things to you could be just out of guilt. Also, he may still be angry that this happened to his wife. Unfortunately he may be projecting some of his anger out on you. Anger is normal a part of the grieving process. As Cathy said, try to put yourself in his shoes.
    Keep yourself busy, take a class or do something you like so he doesn't consume most of your thoughts. I know personally what being hurt is like but sometimes getting over something that hasn't progressed too far is much easier to recover from than a relationship that was long term. Even if you DO get back with him, try not to get too attached.
    As for the daughter, keep it separate of course.
    All the best
    Jess xxx

    Last edited by Jess75; 02-20-2009 at 01:38 PM.

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 12:33 PM   #8
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    did you start dating him after he was divorced or while he was still married?

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 01:22 PM   #9
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    No...I did not date him while his wife was alive...It was after that...I didn't know him or his wife before we went out...

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 02:43 PM   #10
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    When you are grieving the loss of a loved one...you can't even think straight. I wouldn't even consider his reasoning for breaking up that he's said as being rational talking. He doesn't even know what he's thinking right now. I can't even imagine how screwed up I'd be if my husband died!!!! When my sister's husband died, she was like a zombie for at least 3 years! You will just have to try and move on and maybe you will still be available when he comes out of the fog...
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    Old 02-20-2009, 02:46 PM   #11
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by axynia View Post
    No...I did not date him while his wife was alive...It was after that...I didn't know him or his wife before we went out...
    how long was his wife gone before you met him?

     
    Old 02-20-2009, 02:51 PM   #12
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    You don't actually say how long he met you after his wife passed away. But in reality that doesn't matter. He wasn't ready for a relationship and by the sounds of it he was married a long time. Grieving the loss of wife can take years for him. It may be years before he is ready to date again, and if he is ever ready to date again.

    In the beginning he may have thought you were what he needed but as time went on he realized that it was only making him lonelier and realizing how much he missed his wife. I've been there. He has not healed from the loss of his wife. and being with you may only make him feel worse.

    You are best to move on and leave him be. He has a lot more grieving to do, and you were only hurt more if you stay in contact. Let him know you care and treat it as a lost relationship. I'm sure he will know how to contact you if he should want to try to rekindle down the road, but I wouldn't sit around waiting.

     
    Old 02-21-2009, 08:46 PM   #13
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    Re: My boyfriend just left me for his wife that passed away...help

    I agree with the posters who wrote that he is not ready for a new relationship. It is simply bad timing. Move on with your life. If you are available when he feels ready for a relationship, maybe you can resume where you left off, but I would not wait for him to heal his wounds. It may take a few years and you may waste your time and not be available to meet someone else in the meantime.

     
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