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  • Do I have a problem? I'm starting to think so

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    Old 02-24-2009, 07:34 PM   #1
    2crazy4her
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    Do I have a problem? I'm starting to think so

    Yesterday was my wife's birthday and I tried to make the evening as nice as I could, I went home during my lunch time and cleaned the house up a bit (it wasn;t dirty but I freshened the guest bathroom and such.
    I boughte her a balloon, flowers cards and such. Made the cupcakes that she requested and got the ice cream.
    We had invited her friend, her husband and their daughter over for the cupcakes and ice cream. The husband and daughter would be coming later as she had practice and would be arriving about an hour late and that was fine.
    We had an easy cheeseburger, tater tot dinner, wine and later some champagne.
    After dinner my wife and her friend went into our bedroom so my wife could get her opinion on which size (she ordered two sizes of same sweater) she thought looked best. I had already given my opinion the day prior but evidentally my opinion doesn't matter. Well that was fine, how long would that take? 10-15 minutes so I cleaned up the kitchen and sat in the living room with my 9 yr old son who was watching some TV while he was waiting. About an hour goes by and I doze off a little (I am more of a beer drinker) and then they finally emerge from our room and I gave my wife a look that I wasn't too happy about being left alone for so long. She got all upset at me and later after the friends left we had this big blow up because she feels that I am controlling her and that she wanted to spend time talking to her friend. I said that was fine but she could have either included me or let me know since I was the one who put forth the effort for the evenings festivities and really didn't want to watch Spongebob.
    Needless to say she slept on the couch and I feel like crap for having ruined her birthday which obviously was never my intention.

    Now let me rewind to last week a bit to a scenario that helped trigger it all.

    I was going over the house phone call log online for the first time when I noticed a few (3 or 4) calls to the same number that ranged from 30-50 minutes long while I was at work. I didn't know the number so I did a reverse look up and got the name. Intrigued and curious I looked at her cell phone call log and there were some calls to the same number.
    I kind of did some roundabout searching and confronted her about who these call were to and she told me that someone that she worked with at a prior job over a year ago called her out of the blue at her current job to talk because his longtime girlfriend of 7 had just dumped him. She hadn't seen this guy in over 8 months and that was when she went to her old job to purchase something. All of these calls were fairly recent (the past couple of weeks only).
    I immediately became suspicious about this guy and why would he all of a sudden be calling her AFTER he gets dumped? He knows she is married, yet he still called and she still met him a couple of times for "coffee". SHe told me that she did visit his house because he wanted to show it to her. Another red flag to me.
    She said she was there for about 10 minutes and left.
    Being a guy, I know what a guy's intentions are or usually are in this scenario. Especially since he is a straight guy. She told me that he knows I am happily married and thats not his intentions.
    So to make a long story short, she asked what I wanted her to do about that and I told her thats a question I don't win no matter how I answer it. Deep down we both knew that I wanted her to end that right away. She did that the next day and of course I am made to look as the bad guy in the whole thing in both of their minds. The whole jealous/controlling husband bit.
    Which to a degree I probably am, I have never been comfortable with her having male friends especially ones I have never met or heard the name mentioned before. And she said she didn't tell me because she knew how I would react, but to me finding out the way I did made it worse and made me lose some trust in her. No matter what she should be able to come to me first and then atleast let me say my peace, but atleast don't hide something like that from me it only makes things look even more suspicious.

    So I think she is carrying some resentment towards me still from that and thats why she blew up at me last night.

    Do I sound like a controlling husband, because I am starting to think that maybe I am to a degree and will get help for it wherever I can because my marriage is that important to me and my company has a very good employee assistance program that I can use.

    Thanks for reading my problem.

    Last edited by 2crazy4her; 02-24-2009 at 07:40 PM.

     
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    Old 02-24-2009, 08:25 PM   #2
    matter of time
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    Re: Do I have a problem? I'm starting to think so

    It hard to comment on someone's marriage that I don't know but I think you did the right thing. If you found out your wife has been talking to a man, having coffee with him, seeing his house and keeping all that a secret from you, I think you did the right thing by making her end it. Another option might be for her to introduce you and not hide the friendship. It is the secret that is dangerous. She might have been mad that you made her end an enjoyable relationship and that is why she is upset with you. I don't know for sure if that is bothering her but it is reasonable.

    I don't think it is overly controlling for a man to not want his wife to have a secret relationship with another man. Now if you were trying to select her girl friends, that would be another matter.

     
    Old 02-24-2009, 08:41 PM   #3
    Alexandria730
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    Re: Do I have a problem? I'm starting to think so

    It is so difficult to answer your question without having been present to see
    how each of you acted on her birthday night.

    I could easily spend an hour chatting with a girlfriend and would not want any flack about it.

    But, the calls and visits to the other guy makes me pause.

    What is your gut feeling about that?
    Was the big fight and sleeping on the couch an over-reaction to your annoyance that night?

    I could see myself doing the same if I wanted to put you on the defensive and distract you from the other issue.

    I don't know, of course, but the whole guy thing sounds odd to me.

     
    Old 02-24-2009, 09:44 PM   #4
    cathy1
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    Re: Do I have a problem? I'm starting to think so

    I also agree that this new "friendship" is a bit much and I wouldn't want that to continue.

    I do think that getting upset because your wife was talking with a friend for too long is over the top. Most men don't care if there wife is chatting with a friend and know it could go on for awhile. This makes it sound like everything has to accomondate what you think is "the right amount of time".

    The fact that you said you don't want your wife talking with any men is very controlling. Men and women talk to each other all the time at work, neighbors etc. If you get upset about that then yes, you're are controlling and that will erode your marriage. Imagine every time you talk with a woman feeling your wife is about to jump on your case and that she thought you were going to cheat with every woman you talked with. It's a lousy feeling and it shows no trust.

    The friendship with this man, going to his house is too much, but the rest of it I'd bet makes her feel suffocated by you. Is that how you want her to feel?

    Last edited by cathy1; 02-24-2009 at 09:51 PM.

     
    Old 02-24-2009, 10:20 PM   #5
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    Re: Do I have a problem? I'm starting to think so

    The red flags seems to be you. Why are you checking the phone bill like that? Do you know every number that your wife calls?

    I agree she should not have kept the friendship with a man secret. However, it doesn't appear that you have an open line of communication between you. It doesn't sound like it is easy to talk to you about things.

    So you timing conversations, checking the phone bill and don't want your wife to talk to other men at all? Sounds controlling.

    Take a step back and apologize. Apologize for creating a situation in which your wife can't talk to you and ask her what you can do better. Forgive her for making a mistake in keeping the guy a secret. And move on. Unless you have some other reason for checking the phone bill like that.

     
    Old 02-24-2009, 10:32 PM   #6
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    Re: Do I have a problem? I'm starting to think so

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SweetHome View Post
    Take a step back and apologize. Apologize for creating a situation in which your wife can't talk to you and ask her what you can do better. Forgive her for making a mistake in keeping the guy a secret. And move on. Unless you have some other reason for checking the phone bill like that.
    Exactly what I would advise, Sera

     
    Old 02-25-2009, 08:48 AM   #7
    2crazy4her
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    Re: Do I have a problem? I'm starting to think so

    I wasn't checking up on her with the phone. It was the first time I had looked at the call log online. I switched to Comcast phone service a few months ago and this is a service that they offer so I wanted to try it.

    I agree that I handled the birthday night situation poorly, but I felt like I was left alone after putting out the effort to make her b-day as special as I could. Perhaps I tried too hard and thats why I acted that way.

     
    Old 02-25-2009, 12:05 PM   #8
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    Re: Do I have a problem? I'm starting to think so

    My husband and I give each other space. I know his friends, but don't often go out with them.

    I understand women talking privately. I've done this with my gal pals and they've done it with me. It can go on for quite a while!

    However, if my hubby were taking/making long calls repeatedly to somebody of the opposite sex, especially somebody I didn't know, I'd be suspicious. I'd ask him about it and try to find out more, without prying too much. If it seemed like something was going on I'd try to find out if he was unhappy in our relationship and what he would suggest to change it.

    I trust him and give him space, but there is a fine line. If I had reason to be I'd feel suspicious and jealous. I think good communication is in order here.

     
    Old 02-25-2009, 01:59 PM   #9
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    Re: Do I have a problem? I'm starting to think so

    If it were all so innocent then why did she have to hide him? That bothers me. My husband and I have friends of the oppoite sex and we are very up front about them. The fact that she was hiding it, he called her once he broke up with a long term girlfriend, and she went to his house and out to coffee doesn't sit right with me. I think you had every right to call her out on it. If you were a woman on her saying this about an old female coworker I know there would be a lot of different reactions.

    Now, I'm NOT saying she did anything wrong. What I am saying is she used bad judgement and she needs to realize that. How would she feel if the situation were reversed? Somehow I don't think she would be too happy.

    Yes, checking up on the phone records was NOT right. You should appologize for that. But lets face it, sometimes we find things that need to be confronted. That is one I wouldn't have let slide either. I think you should discuss it more. Let her know that you will not play the "spy" but she needs to be more forthcoming with these things. Marriages are based on honesty and trust. If you can't get that then what do you have? It seems so silly that she would compromise that for an old work colleague.

     
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