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  • My partner hit my 16 year old son

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    Old 03-03-2009, 01:10 AM   #1
    dee01
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    Unhappy My partner hit my 16 year old son

    Where do i start! I have been living with my partner for 8 years. I have 4 sons, 3 with my ex husband and 1 with my current partner. My oldest son dosent live at home any more, which leaves me with my 16 year old, 12 year old and 6 year old. To cut a long story short, my 16 year old son and my partner had an argument last night, my partner threatened " to knock my son into next week " because he was swearing at him. My son got mad and kept saying to my partner " come on then do it ". My other 2 children were understandbly scared, my youngest was screaming. Partner and son were both squaring up to each other. I went through to seperate them, what i saw shocked me. My partner had his hand round my sons throat and pushed him flying to the floor. My son then walked out and said he was'nt coming back. My partner said " It was his fault he started it he punched me in the face, so thats why i did what i did to him ". I spoke to my son on his mobile phone and asked him to come home. He told me that he was so angry he went to punch wall but caught my partner instead. Fair enough my sons behaviour was out of order but i dont think my partner should have acted the way he did. He is meant to be the adult yet he acted like a child. My partner is really angry with me for defending my son but i cant help it, it's a mother's instinct to protect her children, and i cant believe what my partner did to my son. I don't know if i even want to be with my partner after this.I don't know if i can trust him with my children after this. Am i making a big deal over nothing or am i right to be feeling the way i do, which is sick to the stomach?

     
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    Old 03-03-2009, 01:39 AM   #2
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    No, all your instincts are right on target. There is no acceptable reason for a grown man to lay his hands on anyone, particularly your son. Not to mention that is illegal.

    It's one thing for a teenager to lash out sometimes, and it is to be expected. A 16 year old is going through many hormonal changes, social adjustments, relationship issues, etc., and our job as parents is to effectively guide our children through all the phases of life in a loving supportive way.

    That often means holding your tongue, counting to 10, walking away, giving your son time to cool off-ANYTHING except allowing a man to assault him. If you allow this man to remain in your household, it tells your son that partner is more important than him, and I wouldn't be surprised if he never came back.

    What about your other children? Do you want them to think it's OK for a man to be violent with their big brother, after all, where does that leave them? Living in fear of this man, witnessing him hurt their brother, and mom overlooking the whole thing, while brother won't come home?

    I'm not trying to be tough on you, I am a mom too and I know how hard times can be. This man has stepped way over the line, too far to step back in.

    Once a dear friend of mine slapped my 4 year old son in the face for no good reason. Even though we were visiting him and his wife 700 miles from home, I got my two sons out of there in 5 minutes flat, walked a mile carrying suitcases and two small children, caught a city bus, a ferry, a subway, and a train home. His wife was mortified. Even though we had a 25 year friendship, I never spoke to that "friend" again.

    Keep us posted, and I hope you can reconcile with your son.

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 02:15 AM   #3
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    I agree with everything writeleft said. There is absolutely NEVER ANY EXCUSE for physical abuse, especially from an adult. Staying with your partner tells your children that violence in the home is both normal and acceptable, and they may even grow up to repeat the behaviours they've seen at home within their own families. I realise there was only one incident but you need to be mindful of the fact that it could very easily happen again if tempers flare. There is often a pattern to these situations, and once one incident has occurred, there is no guarantee that it won't happen again. This is no environment for children to be brought up in.

    If you do decide to stay with your partner, please make sure steps are taken to ensure the family relationships and the relationship between you and your partner are improved. This could include family counselling (for all of you, as you are all involved, not just your partner and son), and anger management classes. You can't just let it go and move on like nothing happened. This incident needs to be taken very seriously.

    I know this is a tough time and you have a lot to think about, but it's very important that you do not doubt yourself, or feel as though you are making a big deal out of nothing. This is serious and you need to either separate from your partner or take the above steps to improving the family functionality. I wish you all the best.

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 06:07 AM   #4
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    I'm not a parent, but you'd better believe that if any boyfriend of mine EVER hit my child, he would be arrested and kicked out immediately! I would NEVER put up with that from ANYONE! And as the other ladies have said, if you allow this boyfriend of your to stay with you, then you're sending the message to your son that your boyfriend is more important to you than he is. Be aware that this can and will cause serious issues between you and your son probably forever, if you handle it the wrong way.

    This guy had no right to lay a hand on your kid. NONE. I don't care what the circumstances are, he had no right. Don't take his side because you're a mom and your son needs to know you are on his side. End of story.

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 07:25 AM   #5
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    I would never (along with the other ladies) live with a man who hit my son. However, my son would also have never been allowed to stand up and be disrespectful to an adult. You said you BF threatened to hit your son because "he was swearing at him".....this should have been a red flag for you to intervene and stopped this from escalating.

    At 16, your son is old enough to know that when he swears at someone, he has to suffer the retributions of his actions. If he doesn't, then its time he did. I am not in any way saying your BF had a right to hit your son, there is never an excuse for physical violence......and I don't know the circumstances that lead up to your son "swearing" at your BF.......but what would you have liked for your BF to do? Can he let a 16 year old stand in his face and talk to him like this? Would you? If your BF had come to you and said....."You are going to have to handle this....I am not going to be cursed at...!" What would you have done? In fact, DID your BF ask you to handle it? Did you know that your son had been swearing at him before this incidence?

    All I can really tell you, is somehow....your son got the impression that it was acceptable behavior to "swear" at your BF, and somehow this situation was allowed to continue until it ended the way it did. I think everyone is to blame here, and sorry to say....including you. This should have been handled at first by letting your son know he cannot talk to an adult....or anyone in the manner that he was.....thats my opinion.
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    Old 03-03-2009, 07:28 AM   #6
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    This is very serious, your partner shouldn't have done it, but as usual, if you are able to look closer at what happened there, at what happened just before, at what had been happening for a while, you'd probably end up finding a couple of mitigating factors for this man. If otherwise he is usually a good father and a good person and husband, a hard worker, etc, I guess he is also devastated and guilt-ridden, even though he may be not ready to apologize.

    Were any of these two men drunken or something? What was the argument about, if you don't mind telling us about it? Was it the first time it happened? Did you report to the police?

    It must be especially hard for you, a mother and a spouse at the same time. It's just like being caught between two fires, between a rock and a hard place. You must be living in fear of what could happen again in the future, of what could happen with the remaining children...

    Where is your son staying now? I don't think it's safe for these two men to be together now - at least not for a while. I think they need a pact between themselves later - a non-aggression pact. For your son was an aggressor, too. But they also need a mediator, probably not you, to implement the pact.

    It's hard to give you advice on what to do now, but it seems to me that it's still too early to make any drastic decision regarding your life with this man. Ask a third reliable person for support, but first approach him with the idea. He may not like it at first ("This is no one else's business!"), so you must be very tactful to convince him about it.

    Last edited by pendulum; 03-03-2009 at 07:38 AM.

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 08:43 AM   #7
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    When I read the title of this thread, I formed an opinion before even reading everything. But even after reading the original post and all the replies, I needed to read everything two more times before coming to an opinion on this. But before I continue, let me say the following --

    First, I am so sorry this has happened. No matter what has happened, it's an unfortunate situation all the way around.

    Secondly, while you have provided a lot of information and details, no person that was not present can have a 100% informed opinion because we just don't have all the facts.

    While I don't condone what your partner did, I do understand it. By your own comments, and confirmed by your son, he did throw the first punch. While he claims he intended to hit the wall and accidently punched your partner in the face, your 16-year old son DID hit your partner in the face. That's assault. And in the heat of an argument, I'm not sure your partner could be expected to realize that the blow was not intended for his face. And if your partner had proceeded to beat up your son, I would agree completely that you have a significant issue with your partner. But holding him and shoving him to the ground, in my opinion, does not really qualify as hitting. But I wasn't there and am basing this solely on the statements provided in this thread.

    I am also a big advocate in evaluating a situation based on the age of the child. If your son was 6 and not 16, I would have a very different opinion on this. But a 16-year old is close to adulthood and while I DO agree about raging hormones and inability to control actions, a 16-year old should know better than to curse at an adult, then use violence (even toward a wall) to release the anger.

    Obviously, things would have been better all the way around had your partner walked away before things escalated to this point. Frankly, I have been hardpressed in my life to see anyone (child, teen or adult) that has enough control during a heated argument to walk away.

    I know you want to protect your son. I respect that completely. I am seeing it from an outside view, based on what has been posted, that your son started the violence. Should your partner have shoved him? No, but as I said -- in the heat of the argument, and having just been hit in the face, I do understand his reaction and wouldn't hold it against him but so much.

    And in all honesty, as much as I love my children, if they were to be violent towards another person, I would fully expect that person to defend themselves.

    Last edited by Madalot; 03-03-2009 at 08:46 AM.

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 09:46 AM   #8
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    What is the law in Scotland concerning child abuse? I would say never put a man/relationship over the safety of your children. If it pleases the court, we have a verdict in. The verdict is to get rid of the live in boy friend. I'm sorry, from him is unexceptable!
    Waist no time. Pack his bags, and help him out the door. Make it clear to him, know reason can he give for punching a child. Is he not strong enough to hold your son down to keep him from hitting him? Is your boy friend a small man?Should you continue seeing him in a relationship? You can, as long as he doesn't live with you, are have anything thing to do with your children.

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 10:19 AM   #9
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    Your partner is the adult and he didn't act like it. I would NEVER stand for that! I don't care what your son did your partner needed to act like the adult and the role model and he failed to do so. He should have walked away and let you handle it or something. Anything other than what he did.

    I think that if you do decide to stay with your partner that a round of family counselling and couples counselling is in order. I think there is more to this than what happened. Do they often fight? How does your partner feel about your children from your previous marriage? I think this is only the tip of the iceberg and you should get to the bottom of it.

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 10:27 AM   #10
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    From reading your post compared to the thread title, it sounds more like, "son hit partner, partner dropped son".

    Did your partner actually hit him? What you describe sounds more like a self-defence move.

    As for your son's claim he was actually trying to hit the wall. Oh pu-lease! lol. If they were squaring off against each other, and he's trying to provoke your partner into a fight by yelling "go ahead", you aren't going to buy that "I was aiming for the wall" bit are you?

    Some of the others have already made some great points about how the blame should be shared but my comment is mostly confusion on how it's turned from your son hitting your partner into your partner hitting your son (which it sounds like he didn't actually do).

    Anyway, I think you definitely need to talk to someone about what's happened to your family setting, it isn't good for the other kids. Would your husband and son be willing to go for counselling?

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 10:53 AM   #11
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    my thoughts are, it takes 2 to tango, in this case 3.......
    you, your partner and your son are equally responsible for this situation happening.

    your son for instigating

    your partner for reacting

    you for letting it get to this point.

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 11:14 AM   #12
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    my thoughts are, it takes 2 to tango, in this case 3.......
    you, your partner and your son are equally responsible for this situation happening.

    your son for instigating

    your partner for reacting

    you for letting it get to this point.
    Good point. Others had already mentioned or hinted at her own responsibility, but it seems that you have made the triangle more visible now, Rose. It had to be you, lol.

    The more I think about this, the more I'm inclined to think that the boy did what he did because he thought, right or wrong, that he had backing from somewhere or someone.

    It is her son, though. Probably she didn't realize that it would go that far.

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 02:07 PM   #13
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    Im not a parent and Im rather young to offer advice on this but I had two wonderful parents and I deal with young boys with anger issues all the time as a teacher. Your son is a child and while it's not acceptable, it's somewhat expected for him to be rash and act out on his emotions. He needs his parents to teach him that acting out physically is not an acceptable way of dealing with his anger. Your partner just taught him the wrong lesson by being physically violent. Your partner taught him that its ok to hit people when he is angry. It was wrong of your son to be provoking and swearing at your partner but its completely unacceptable for your partner to react that way, he should be setting an example with his actions as well as his words. I would think they both need counseling to learn to deal with anger. You and your partner should go a to parent counseling as well to make sure you are on the same page. It's not something that is unfixable as long as you are all willing to talk about it and work to fix the issue.

    I will ask you this, as a teacher would it ever be right for me to be physically abusive to a student even if that student spit in my face and was acting violently? Never. As a parents you are the most influential teachers in your children's lives and you must teach by example because they will imitate you no matter how much you tell them "do as I say not as I do"

    Last edited by Cakies; 03-03-2009 at 02:25 PM.

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 05:37 PM   #14
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Cakies View Post
    ...

    I will ask you this, as a teacher would it ever be right for me to be physically abusive to a student even if that student spit in my face and was acting violently? Never. As a parents you are the most influential teachers in your children's lives and you must teach by example because they will imitate you no matter how much you tell them "do as I say not as I do"
    I agree, but then again school is quite a different scenario from home.

    I want to add something. I don't know about your husband, but certainly your son must be going through some particular problem of his own, maybe some kind of maladjustment. While he certainly needs your support and if possible that from your husband to overcome his problems, you must not allow that he (your son) causes damage to your relationship. Sooner or later, he is supposed to leave home, and then ...

     
    Old 03-03-2009, 05:59 PM   #15
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    Re: My partner hit my 16 year old son

    well, i am 14, and i am slight anger issues too. If my parents ever hit me, that would make me even more angry, sad, and deprressed. you need to set a good example. I love my parents, but if they ever hit me, even if i deserved it, it would take me a long time to forgive them. seek counseling, and if your partner doesnt want to do it, then he is a jerk. that is a perspective from an 14 year old.

     
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