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    Old 03-23-2009, 10:09 PM   #1
    TRP29
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    Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I love him, he has many good qualities but his anger is destroying both our relationship and my self-esteem. The first 4 years or so of us being together he wasn't like this at all. He was actually rather sensitive and emotional, not mean and angry. In the past year he has gone through some really horrible things with his family and now lives on his own without any family support/contact (their fault not his). This seems to be the marker of his anger outbursts. I never know what will set him off, usually it's something I did, didn't do or the way I did it. When he first started having his "fits" I would get so frustrated and upset by the yelling and name calling that I would yell and name call back. I can't and won't do this anymore. I hate fighting, I hate getting myself so worked up, I don't have the energy for it & I don't want to be an angry person. Now I have started apologizing for things that aren't my fault and pretty much just taking his crap. I don't want to do this either because it makes me feel like a doormat. I will not live my life being blamed, yelled at and disrespected. I don't know what to do.... He had a blow up tonight because he left his cigarettes in my car and not knowing I drove home. He tried to call me to ask me to come back but I had the music blasted and my cell was on vibrate. When I got home and noticed he had called me 10 times I called him back. He immediately jumps into anger mode, "why didn't you answer your phone", "you **** me off", "whats wrong with you" etc. I explain why I didn't answer and tell him I'm sorry but this seems to make things worse. This one particular incident turns into a rant about everything that is wrong with me eg. I am "selfish", "bitchy" I "nag" him... "one time I did this"/"why didn't I do that", he will bring up random things that happened like 2 or 3 years ago. Why does it have to be like this?? A simple "Hey, why didn't you pick up your phone?" would have been more appropriate no? He is just constantly angry, usually at me. Tonight it turned into me getting upset and crying, this fueling the fire for more insults and than I tell him I can't take this anymore, he gets angrier than it's like a light bulb switches on in his head and he is himself again and realizes what a jerk he is being, apologizes and says all the right things. He even offered tonight to go to counseling, admitting that he shouldn't treat me like this and that he hates making me cry/feel bad.It feels like we replay the same thing over and over again. Him yelling, me crying, hanging up on each other, name calling, apology. I don't know what to do. I love him and I would really hate to end things with him. I feel like when I do "threaten" or bring up ending it, that he turns everything around on me, makes me feel like he puts up with my crap rather than the other way around. I asked him once why he does this to me and his answer was "because you let me". However after his "fits" are over he seems genuinely remorseful and upset over having upset me. I really would like him to go to counseling and he offers from time to time but never follows through with it. I have also broken up with him once for a month because of his anger and for the first couple of days he called me non-stop apologizing, promising to change/work on things etc. (the regular). After the first couple days he just became angry with me for having left him and sunk into a depression. I took him back and things were okay for a bit but we have fallen back into the same routine. I really would like things to go to the way they were.... I hate all this fighting and yelling. I would love to marry him and have children with him but not like this.... I don't want to raise children in an angry, unstable household. How can I help him? How can we fix this? Should I demand that he see a doctor? He feels that seeing a "shrink" makes him "crazy" and "weak" ... I really don't want to leave him but I can't keep doing this either. I feel so trapped. Also I want to add that he is never, ever physically abusive, he never threatens to hurt me, doesn't throw things etc. it's all verbal. I honestly believe that he would never escalate it to that point either.

     
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    Old 03-24-2009, 11:23 AM   #2
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    TRP-
    I understand how family problems can cause a person to have issues, but sweetie he needs to get help before things will ever get better. His family problems do NOT give him the right to be nasty towards you. You don't deserve it. You see, he can't take his anger out on his family, or in some other healthy way, so he is turning it onto you and that is NOT right. If he isn't able to control this, or find a constructive way to deal with it he needs anger management or counseling- period.

    I can only tell you from personal experience that verbal and mental abuse turns into physical abuse. I know because I have been there. I thought my first (ex) husband would never lay a hand on me even though he called me very name in the book. Everything was my fault regardless. He had me so mentally beat down that I was a totally different person and actually started to believe everything WAS my fault.

    Well, like I said, the verbal and mental abuse turned into him grabbing me by the shoulders and screaming in my face, and that turned to spitting in my face and after that? Full out physical abuse and all the while I enabled him to treat me that way because the mental part of the abuse had me feeling worthless. I had never been that way before.

    I called the cops numerous times and nothing was done. Many times the police officers are limited as to what they can do in domestic situations.

    I finally snapped out of it and got sick and tired of it. He spit in my face and hit me one time too many. I don't know why, but I just snapped and the last time he hit me I beat the living daylights out of him. Ended up knocking two of his teeth out and had him cowering in the corner begging me to stop. He was able to run out when I went to get my iron frying skillet.

    Was I right for fighting back? YES- I defended myself and had he not left when he did I would have hurt him more. I mean he was huge, and I am only 5'2" tall and weight 125 lbs.

    Did I like having the situation come to that point? NO! I know now it could have all been avoided had I just left well before it got physical.

    I know you love him, but abuse is abuse-period. Abuse graduates and becomes worse and you will be the one paying the price. Please, if he does not get real help with his anger you really need to get out before you end up getting hurt physically. You already are mentally and emotionally.

     
    Old 03-24-2009, 11:28 AM   #3
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    this is more than an anger problem, he doesn't respect you.
    you don't need this, it will just get worse. he may be bi-polar or have borderline personality disorder (bpd)
    staying with him sends him the message you will put up with it, he has no reason to change.

     
    Old 03-24-2009, 03:54 PM   #4
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    Ozzybug, thank you. I was able to relate to most of what you said about your relationship and the stuff you said about how he started putting his hands on your shoulder to yell in your face triggered something because my boyfriend does this too. He will often back me into a wall to yell at me or hold my wrists so I can't get away. I never really thought of this as physical abuse before but I guess it is a step closer.

    What really troubles me though is that for the first 4 years he wasn't like this at all. He grew up with a tyrant of a father who constantly berates, belittles, yells and criticizes the family (my boyfriend in particular). This actually made my boyfriend caring and sensitive, I can't tell you how many times he has told me how he doesn't want to be like his father and that is what's happening. His father is in total control of that household (my boyfriend has moved out & has had no contact with him for over a year). My boyfriends fathers anger and controlling behavior has turned his mother into a depressed, alcoholic, pill popper. I don't want this for myself.

    I just don't know what to do. The last break up hurt so bad. I couldn't think about anything but him, I didn't want to eat, it was an effort to pull myself out of bed. I even started taking anxiety meds because I felt like I was constantly having anxiety attacks. I hate the thought of not being with him. I can't help but hope things will get better, like they used to be.....

    He had a huge blow up on me last night (as described in my first post) and we ended the conversation with him getting help and him apologizing. Today he calls me like yesterday did not exist, talking about stuff that happened at work etc. I feel like I let him do this. We've done this sooo many times before. Nothing gets better... It just gets worse.

    I think I am going to look into counseling for ME! Figure out why I have so much trouble letting him go and why I continue to let him walk all over me. I also plan on having a conversation with him tonight. Show him how the way he is treating me is a path to his parents relationship and let him know that things really have to change. I am at my breaking point here. I am tired of feeling sad. Tired of being yelled at.

     
    Old 03-24-2009, 04:00 PM   #5
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    this is more than an anger problem, he doesn't respect you.
    you don't need this, it will just get worse. he may be bi-polar or have borderline personality disorder (bpd)
    staying with him sends him the message you will put up with it, he has no reason to change.
    I feel like if I leave him and he does have a mental illness that I am walking away from somebody who needs help. I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer. If I had an explanation for his anger like a mental illness than he could get help, start meds etc.

    I don't feel like he doesn't respect me... not all the time. He does do things for me. He came to the hospital to visit my grandfather when he was sick. He takes my mom and I out for dinner. He comes to my lame family events and is very respectful and nice to my family.

    I agree that staying sends him a message that he can do whatever he wants & I will just put up with it.... I agree that something needs to be done but I really don't want to walk away from someone that I love and who needs help. This isn't him.

     
    Old 03-24-2009, 11:14 PM   #6
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    I feel for you, TRP, I really do. I feel like your boyfriend is me several years ago, but maybe worse...maybe not.

    In brief, I was verbally abusive to my partner. It was only ever to her, never anyone else (with anyone else I'd have been mortified to be seen as acting so horribly), and usually my "fits" were brought on by virtually nothing, though at the time I was really tense prior to my explosions, and then something tiny my partner did would set me off. One time for example she accidentally squirted soy sauce on me. I freaked out, saying thanks sarcastically for ruining my top (it was barely on me anyway), and throwing a chair (not at her. That's the thing different about this - I was never ever physically abusive) and storming off, screaming and swearing, and being terribly hurtful to her.

    It's a cycle of abuse...after I calmed down, I'd feel horrible, stupid, embarrassed, exhausted...I'd apologise. In the early days I'd cry too, but then later on I didn't...I didn't feel as bad about it as I used to, which was a bit scary to acknowledge.

    95% of the time I was great, normal, loving, giving, etc...normally I could see the funny side to things and this is why it hurt and confused my partner so much when I'd blow up at seemingly nothing.

    Luckily for her and for me, I hardly behave this way anymore. I can't even pinpoint exactly what changed for me, but someone on this forum once said that I can control my anger, and I'm choosing not to. At first I really felt it was something I just couldn't control, but this person said I wouldn't show this anger in front of my parents or a work mate or friend...and I had to agree that's right. I wouldn't. So I was able to control it and simply choosing to let it out in that horrible and destructive way to my partner, the person I'm most comfortable with.

    I used to find when I felt the pre-explosion tension building, I'd get this feeling that she was against me, didn't really love me, and didn't care what I did or said...this was partly why whenever she did something (like with the soy sauce) I immediately jumped on her verbally as if she did it to hurt me or something...and also this was an excuse for me to say all the hurtful things I said...cause she "didn't care" and so it wouldn't hurt her to hear them. But of course it did. Terribly. Half the time I didn't even know what I was saying...one time I was angry cause we'd had to catch a bus (instead of getting a ferry across the harbour) and the bus was standing room only, and this guy offered his seat to my partner. She offered it to me, but I was already angry that we couldn't get the ferry, that it was so crowded, and that he'd offered her the seat and not me. So I just totally ignored the fact she had actually then offered it to me, and ignored her the whole bus ride, and then when we got off the bus and were walking to meet someone, I was yelling and swearing at her, saying she was selfish and didn't care about me so she could "F*** off so I can finally be free of you"...which I SO didn't mean!! I didn't want her to leave me. I was crying inside even as I said those words...I don't know why I said them.

    I think for me, after a while, I finally realised that how I felt after behaving like this was just not worth any sort of relief I felt by getting out the tension in that way. I knew also, thanks to this forum, that my actions were showing my partner a lack of respect and I WAS indulging my own anger, which was stupid.

    I've not done this for around 2 years now, I'm happy to say.

    I wonder if your boyfriend knows exactly how you feel...I'm sure underneath he doesn't want a wilted, downtrodden girlfriend with no self esteem, right?

    If he won't get counselling, or fully acknowledge his actions by himself, if you still want to be with him (for the good times, not the bad), you have to get him to discuss it properly. You say if he keeps doing it, that's it. You're not going to take it anymore and if he truly loved you, he wouldn't WANT you to take it. After all, I bet if he saw some random guy in the street holding your shoulders and pushing you up against a wall and yelling hurtful things at you, he'd be FURIOUS and appalled and go and defend you, right? So what the hell is he doing treating you the same exact way?????

    Good luck.

     
    Old 03-25-2009, 12:02 AM   #7
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    Get out as fast as you can. We have seen this anger thing before, and the outcome is never pretty. Use the five years of experience to protect you from ever allowing a man to treat you this way again. It is not lost time...it is experience talking.

     
    Old 03-25-2009, 06:39 AM   #8
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by TRP29 View Post
    I feel like if I leave him and he does have a mental illness that I am walking away from somebody who needs help. I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer. If I had an explanation for his anger like a mental illness than he could get help, start meds etc.

    I don't feel like he doesn't respect me... not all the time. He does do things for me. He came to the hospital to visit my grandfather when he was sick. He takes my mom and I out for dinner. He comes to my lame family events and is very respectful and nice to my family.

    I agree that staying sends him a message that he can do whatever he wants & I will just put up with it.... I agree that something needs to be done but I really don't want to walk away from someone that I love and who needs help. This isn't him.

    I used to feel that way too. You have to learn to love yourself more than you love someone else. sounds like you're co-dependent. I am, and I struggle with it, but I'm getting better. Read the book co-dependent no more, that will tell you all you need to know. Stop putting his needs above your own. He doesn't have cancer.....he's abusive, and you could end up dead. You're worth more than this. You didn't break this man and you sure can't fix him. I'm speaking from experience. I used to try to fix men, to help them, blah blah blah. He doesn't respect you, plain and simple. you're co-dependent.....you will stay with someone no matter how they treat you. you'd let him wipe your feet on you. it's time you stood up for yourself, and realized you don't deserve this nonsense, and take action to rid it from your life.

     
    Old 03-25-2009, 09:52 AM   #9
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    Someone with cancer doesn't have it "at" you. Cancer does not cause the sufferer to abuse loved ones. Your boyfriend is not sick with an illness, he needs help to stop being abusive. You are not responsible for him. He is.

     
    Old 03-25-2009, 11:03 AM   #10
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by TRP29 View Post
    I feel like if I leave him and he does have a mental illness that I am walking away from somebody who needs help. I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer. If I had an explanation for his anger like a mental illness than he could get help, start meds etc.

    I don't feel like he doesn't respect me... not all the time. He does do things for me. He came to the hospital to visit my grandfather when he was sick. He takes my mom and I out for dinner. He comes to my lame family events and is very respectful and nice to my family.

    I agree that staying sends him a message that he can do whatever he wants & I will just put up with it.... I agree that something needs to be done but I really don't want to walk away from someone that I love and who needs help. This isn't him.

    Sweetie- Many abused women use this as a reason not to leave an abusive partner. The difference here is this: If he had cancer he would get help for it, right? Well, he has a real, true & valid condition that he needs to get help for now.

    And of course he's going to do nice things- especially in front of your family members because he wants them to think he's this really great guy. It's almost like a "compensation" to you for being so mean and vicious. Those kind acts still do not justify, nor excuse the other terrible things he's doing. My ex did the same thing. In front of my family he acted like this perfect husband- always offering to help them, visiting sick relatives, holding my hand at the hospital while my cousin was about to die with cancer- all those wonderful acts that made my family think he was the perfect man.

    I do have to note that while we were dating he was so nice to me. Opened doors, bought flowers, always telling me how beautiful I was. When we married he did a 180- literally- and didn't even wait until the honeymoon was over.

    Your comparison of staying with him if he was sick to staying with him while he's abusing you is comparing apples to oranges sweetie. They are two totally different issues. You have to stop thinking that way because that is enabling him further.

    Please, I am practically begging you not to allow this to continue. You need to get out. Go to a safe place such as family/close friend's house. Call him and let him know that until he is able to get real help and change the two of you must not be together.

    Sometimes regardless of how much we love someone, we MUST put our safety first. I know you said you were totally miserable when you were separated in the past, but it sounds like you are miserable now. At least away from him you would be miserable and safe/not being abused.

    Counseling for you is good, but he needs it too. You might also want to confide in your family about this. If they know, they can be strong for you when you aren't able to be strong for yourself.

    I'm not trying to sound harsh, but I really hate to think of your situation turing into the horrid one I was in. Please take care of you, ok?

    Last edited by ozzybug; 03-25-2009 at 11:14 AM.

     
    Old 03-25-2009, 12:48 PM   #11
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    Hey- TRP ~

    There are too many people whom now have the unfortunate PAIN of a lost one.
    There are too many womens shelters. The women that are in fear for their lives. Their children too ~ working hard to remove the emotional & physical scars. Their names changed so they can't be found! If found they are ushered away quickly and quietly again name change.
    There are too many neighborhood underground systems helping women to get out cuz they went with what your being SOLD...
    There are too many women in jail; For having enough.
    There are too many counseling sestions on this issue.
    There are too many people telling you personally and through books, movies, programs and on the NEWS, daily no less.
    Your Brain, is even telling you !!!. And your not
    listening!!!!
    There are too many DEAD in the name of LOVE
    LOVE doesn't do what your boyfriend does... I'm glad to read you get to go home & away from him. You are really lucky !!! this time....WHAT-? You think it can't happen to you ! ? ! I'm glad your seeking help for yourself. You can't do it for him ~ he's gotta do it for himself.
    Gotta look at the forrest through the trees..and keep your emotions out of it. Stay with the FACTS. You think for one moment you can fix him...or fix this.. You can only fix you..!!
    I'm glad your not married !
    I'm glad you both don't have children !
    I'm glad your not pregnant.
    I'm glad your able to see what you don't like.

    There are too many people whom have come from that very type of enviornment he left from and have succeeded in not continuing that Horrid Uglyness !!!!! ect. The choice is his...

    You stay strong, always keeping it in the forefront of your mind ! with what you donot like about this relationship. Your survival is at steak here.
    Animals don't even put up with this. MMmmm ? and you are.
    I so agree with Rosequarts, Redneon82, writeleft, ozzybug Get out and don't look back.... Go away to a Relatives house for the Spring or Summer vaca.. Get away. Turn off the phone change your number. Those are only ideas, your creative, work with it. BUT !! get up and out..

    ?? How would I know your creative...? It's your answers and lifestyle these last 5 yrs.

    I hope I make you angry ~ That's when you wake up.. The less you tell him about your changes the better off you are...

    Last edited by Drain Bamaged; 03-25-2009 at 01:34 PM.

     
    Old 04-02-2009, 05:01 PM   #12
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    I have to agree with all of these posters here. I too was in a relationship like this. OMG These people are all right! It went from good to bad to worse! I took it for years, I was so WRONG to do that. I finally left him, put a restraining order on him and went to a shelter house. When he saw I wouldn't take it anymore and what he was losing, he changed fast! I gave it time before I took him back, I needed to be sure. I more or less made him prove it to me. Finally when I was convinced we got back together and true to his word, he was a changed man. Halleluja! You need to care about YOU! Please heed all this advice here! Surely you can see that many speak from personal experience and one who even was the abusive party. You may be thinking that your situation is different than any of the other's but sweetie,, its not. I thought mine was, made all kinds of excuses for too long. Take a good hard look, search your soul, do whatever it takes to open your eyes, but do open them! Take care. God bless you!

     
    Old 04-06-2009, 10:19 AM   #13
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    I was in a very similar situation as this. I too made excuses for his behavior... he had a bad day, he didn't mean it, he was under a lot of stress, etc. etc. etc.

    I ended up marrying him and having two children with him. Once I had the children, his behavior GOT WORSE.

    I would have serious "Come To Jesus" talks with him. He would say, "I've been under a lot of stress... I'll try, blah blah blah."

    Well he tried for about a week and went RIGHT BACK to the way things were, if not worse. He was hyper-critical of me, I could never do anything right, it was "his way or the highway", he went where he wanted, when he wanted, yet I had to run everything by him first.

    I finally had it a couple months ago when he SCREAMED at me and threw things around because I didn't have time to make cookies. I kept thinking, "This is not NORMAL." I told him it was counseling or divorce. After about a week of arguing/screaming at me/telling me I needed help for my "issues", he went. He was belligerent with the COUNSELOR.

    We separated and he kept saying he was trying, but I kept seeing red flags popping up all over the place. I filed divorce papers and now he is making my life a living hell.

    GET MAD about the way he is treating you. Stop being the victim. Hold on to your anger. THE WAY HE IS TREATING YOU IS NOT OK!

    DO NOT marry this guy.

    DO NOT have children with this guy.

     
    Old 04-21-2010, 04:50 AM   #14
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    I have been through what you have and had to get out he destroyed mt self worth. I really feel for you < edited >

    Last edited by hb-mod; 04-21-2010 at 05:15 AM. Reason: Violation of Posting Policy

     
    Old 04-21-2010, 06:04 AM   #15
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    Re: Boyfriends anger is destroying our relationship... HELP

    T, it's quite possible your boyfriend has a kind of mental illness, but you CANNOT compare it with his having cancer. Cancer isn't catching, and his cancer wouldn't hurt YOU the way his abusive behavior toward you is hurting you. Probably without you even knowing it. It does have a way of sneaking up on you. You tell yourself you can ignore it, it doesn't affect you, water off a duck's back, blahb blah blah. Then one day you wake up depressed and don't know why, or you're scared or too tired or discouraged to to something you used to love. You no longer trust your own judgment or have faith in yourself like you used to. All because you subjected yourself to his abuse.

    He actually gave you the answer to your problem, but it seems you didn't listen to him. You asked him why he does this to you, and he told you flat out, "BECAUSE YOU LET ME." You can't force him or even help him become someone he's not ready to be. It has to come from him. Take him up on his offer to go to counceling. Take a break from him until he goes for a while and can tell you what he's learned and how he has become better.

    But right now, you're enabling him. You're helping keep him sick by making it easy for him to stay sick. If he starts to yell at you, simply say "I won't be spoken to like this" and hang up or walk away. He does it because you let him, so you need to stop letting him.

    Women are socialized to think it's noble to suffer for the ones we love, even if it's at their hands.That it's noble to love someone enough to let them physically, mentally or emotional beat you up. Even today, young women are still being sent these messages (note the whole huge "Twilight" craze about a teen girl who would rather skip college and abandon any dreams or goals for herself in order to stay with her vampire boyfriend who has to work hard at not killing her. It doesn't bother her though, because she'd rather die in his arms, even by his hand, than be without him. Oh brother).

    But there's nothing noble in sacrificing your own happiness in order to love someone who can't or won't love you in a respectful, healthy, non-destructive way. And yes, your boyfriend IS disrespectful to you. When he's yelling at you and calling you names, he's being unreasonable and disrespectful. Don't you want to be with someone who's not just respectful at family events or on weekends, or even MOST of the time, but who's respectful ALL the time, who NEVER calls you names or loses his temper with you for no good reason, who NEVER takes his issues out on you? How lovely would that be? You deserve that. But you won't get that from this guy. No tlike this. Not unless he chooses to change drastically. And you can't MAKE him want to choose to change. The only thing you can do is choose how much more abuse you are willing to allow him to heap upon you.

     
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