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  • how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

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    Old 03-24-2009, 11:58 PM   #1
    sherlyp7
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    how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    I was with him and i gave our relationship my all, and he started to pull away. but during our relationship he told me all he ever wanted from his baby mama was to just take care of his daughter. when i see he started to pull away i just stopped talkin to him for days, week. then now he's tryin to get back with me but he told me he had asked his baby mama back out because of the baby she's caring and he didnt want her to not let him be a part of the baby's life. he claimed tha he knew she was gonna say no. i love him. and I don't know what to do? A part of me wanna just forget about him another part wants to forgive him and be with him. HELP!!!

     
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    Old 03-25-2009, 07:30 AM   #2
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    it's different for everyone. I guess it depends on what you're willing to settle for. For me.....it would take more than one lifetime to forgive someone who cheated......in other words......I wouldn't.........ever

     
    Old 03-25-2009, 07:58 AM   #3
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    I agree with Rose, but everyone is different. You have to look into yourself and ask yourself what you can forgive and what you can live with. Only you know the answers.

     
    Old 03-26-2009, 05:33 AM   #4
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    I don't know if I have understood everything here...

    Hmm, it seems that this man still has strong ties with his ex. Either because of their daughter or something else. But, what did they do after all? Did they have sex again?

    You don't say how long you are together, but apparently it is not that long. I think it'd be better for you to wait. You can even forgive him if he sounds sincere, but ask yourself if you are ready to be with a man who already has a family, even if it is a broken family. If the daughter was already grown, it might be easier for you. But since it's a baby, it's better to be cautious. It's much easier for an ex with a baby to manipulate feelings, you know.

     
    Old 03-26-2009, 06:16 AM   #5
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    How about never? Do you really want to have this kind of drama in your life? What's so great about this guy that you would even consider taking him back after he cheated? And furthermore, since he is tied to this other woman by their child, that woman will always be in his life and she will never go away. Therefore, you will have to deal with the woman your bf cheated on you with being around forever. That sounds like a pretty sucky way to live, and if I were you, I'd get out of that relationship fast!

    I don't see why you would want to stay with this guy. He is obviously still hung up on her, there's no reason to think he even wants to be in a relationship with anyone else right now. You're wasting your time with him. Dump him and find a guy who doesn't have that kind of drama surrounding him and you'll be a lot happier!

     
    Old 03-26-2009, 07:53 AM   #6
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    I have to deal daily with my boyfriend's child mother, but they have nto been together for seven years and he never has cheated with her so that is more acceptable in my opinion. But the fact that when things were not perfect he went back to her is a big no! I agree that is too much drama. You know it is up to you and what you want to do. If you do decide to work it out you have to definetly talk it out and soem how forgive him otherwise it will always come up and it will never end! Don't just be with him to be with someone only forgive him if that is what you truly want to do. Hope it will work out for you either way.

     
    Old 03-26-2009, 09:36 AM   #7
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    As you can see there different opinons about this, simply because were all different, this is your choise to do as you wish, not what someone tells you to do, these are just opinions, your going to have to look deep into your heart and ask yourself do you love this guy?....we all make mistakes in life big big mistakes this is a big big mistake ( obvisouly).
    This is a forgivable mistake.....you know you guys have to talk this out and what ever it takes to save your marrige, that is if you love each other...it can be worked out.
    Remember no ones perfect.

    I personally think it takes a wonderful caring woman to forgive something like this....that would prove to me that you loved me more than anything and it would seal what ever doubt of love I had for you....and never ever do anything stupid like this ever again.

    Some night when your not all stressed out , sit down get a piece of paper write down all the reasons you want to take him back and forgive him from your heart.(be honest within yourself)
    and then write down all the reason why you won't take him back or shouldn't take him back.
    Then count the reasons/on both sides...see which way that tells you to go??

    I know thats not a way to make a clear decision but it just might help you figure something out and it may help make you think more clearly.

    I'm not saying all this is right or justify what he did to you that was of course the most wrongful thing he could ever do to you, but life does go on one way or the other so why not try to have a Reconciliation.
    people say he will do it again and agian and your life will be miserable...how do they know? this is about you and your hubby no one else....besides if you do love him and let him go your going to probably always deal with what could have been the rest of your life...how do I know..I don't. this is your choice.

    Last edited by chevyman; 03-26-2009 at 09:56 AM.

     
    Old 03-27-2009, 11:37 AM   #8
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    I disagree with all of these people who are saying "you need to do what's right for you". The guy CHEATED!! Anyone who takes back a cheater is cruisin for further heartbreak. I'm a pro at this, cheaters never change. EVER. They can sit there and pretend like they want to and all that, but it's nothing but baloney. I wouldn't buy it and neither should you!!

     
    Old 03-29-2009, 03:18 AM   #9
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    Q:"how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated?"

    A: FOREVER!

    If there weren't so many women willing to forgive and forget, if every cheater was punished by at least a break up, there would be far less of those who cheat constantly. Once a cheater always a cheater! He will do it again, it's just a matter of time.

     
    Old 03-29-2009, 03:27 AM   #10
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by chevyman View Post
    I personally think it takes a wonderful caring woman to forgive something like this....that would prove to me that you loved me more than anything and it would seal what ever doubt of love I had for you....and never ever do anything stupid like this ever again.
    If "she" is such a wonderful, caring women, whom you love so much...WHY DID/WOULD YOU CHEAT ON HER IN THE FIRST PLACE???
    In my experience men (women too) cheat for many reasons, but none of them ever cheated on someone they truly love and respect! So while people like to lie to themselves and settle for any kind of "reasonable" explanation, the fact is if your husband or boyfriend truly loves you and respects you, he will never cheat on you and subject you to such emotional pain.

    I personally think it takes a desperate person, with no self respect to forgive something like that. But if you would rather be with a cheater than single, if you are the kind of woman that needs a man to define her or who she is then I guess you should forgive him. Each to their own!

     
    Old 03-29-2009, 05:26 AM   #11
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    Actually some cheaters do change. But it is an extremely personal choice to make when it comes to taking back a cheater. IF you decided to he needs to do a LOT of work to prove to you he is worthy of being taken back. This can include counseling for himself and for you together. It can also mean him handing over any and all passwords to emails,cell phones, and other ways he may have contact with other women. He should be totally transparent with you. By that I mean if he talks to his baby's mother you should know the details of what was talked about or be there with him. There are several books available that you both can read to help make a stronger relationship.
    But again it is an extremely personal choice that requires a lot of work on his part.
    After the Affair, Not Just Friends,and How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To. Are a couple of books that might be helpful.
    I have seen a friend who took back her cheating husband build a stronger relationship with him afterwards. I was shocked at first when she took him back but after talking with her and being there to support her it makes sense why some people do take cheaters back.
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    Old 03-29-2009, 06:36 AM   #12
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    The bad thing about saying that you'll forgive and forget is that you may think that you can and then years later...after you decided that you would forgive and take them back, you are still angry and cannot trust them. That's the really scary thing about making the decision to take them back. So if you don't think that you can completely trust them again then don't do it!

    So after taking someone back, I can truly say that I can never 100% trust someone that lied and cheated. I always have constant doubts about what he's up to behind my back!
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    Old 03-29-2009, 07:31 AM   #13
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Blastoff9600 View Post
    Actually some cheaters do change. ...
    I like that. Actually I think it is wrong to postulate that people in general can never change. Not only cheaters can change, but in some cases, also the cheated must change what they were doing.

    If people are intrinsically immutable, then the notion of free will and power of choice are discardable.

     
    Old 03-29-2009, 07:51 AM   #14
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    Well obviously a cheater can choose to never cheat again...the question is, can the person that was cheated on ever fully trust?(and please don't blame the cheated on as being the fault, I gave myself to my husband 150% and the thanks I got were lies and cheating!) That's really a very individual question. Everyone's going to feel differently. My husband may truly never cheat on me again, but throughout our relationship I have caught him lying about so many things that I constantly think "what next?"
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    Last edited by BeaTrade; 03-29-2009 at 07:53 AM.

     
    Old 03-29-2009, 08:16 AM   #15
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    Re: how long should it take for you to forgive him after he cheated

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by BeaTrade View Post
    Well obviously a cheater can choose to never cheat again...the question is, can the person that was cheated on ever fully trust?(and please don't blame the cheated on as being the fault, I gave myself to my husband 150% and the thanks I got were lies and cheating!) That's really a very individual question. Everyone's going to feel differently. My husband may truly never cheat on me again, but throughout our relationship I have caught him lying about so many things that I constantly think "what next?"
    Hmm, I think that's possible, but there's a difference between thinking and acting, of course. A man may be unable to avoid thoughts about cheating, but he can choose to avoid the actual cheating. So trust him in terms of what he chooses to do, but not in terms of the thoughts he has. Thoughts are uncontrollable.

     
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