It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 03-30-2009, 06:47 PM   #1
    steelgoat
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    steelgoat's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2009
    Posts: 2
    steelgoat HB User
    Unhappy Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    I am very concerned about my future with my current boyfriend. We have been living together for around 4 years... he is a great guy, very popular, sociable and charismatric, 39 years old, like me. Our birthdays are even on the same day. He's the drummer in a local R and B band and everyone in town seems to know and love him, as do I.

    My concerns mainly stem from his irresponsibility. He is a very sweet, highly intelligent, cheerful guy, very generous and loving with a stable job working for his family business and a nice home (which his parents helped him buy), but he has a very bad habit of avoiding taking responsibility for his mistakes or even admitting that he's made a mistake. His father is the same way, which makes me think it stems from his upbringing.

    I am concerned that his hard-headed, stubborn attitude may affect our future together.

    For instance... on our very first date, I stupidly had a couple of glasses of wine on an empty stomach and got drunk at the party we were at. He saw I was blind drunk and told me to go to the bathrooms and stay there till I felt better. I got lost on my way back from the bathrooms, and couldn't find my guy. I eventually passed out outside in the car-park, and when I woke up it was morning. He had driven me to the party as I can't drive (I never learned to drive as I have a driving phobia), so I had to spend nearly $60 to get a cab 30 miles home.

    Afterwards, he was actually angry at me! He claimed he looked everywhere for me before taking off, and said he left because he thought *I'D* ditched him! He didn't understand when I asked him why he didn't call the police, or look harder, he just kept going on about how upset he was that I'd 'ditched' him, and didn't understand when I tried to explain to him why I was angry at him! Anything could have happened to me while I was outside, passed out all night in a public car park, but he refused to even talk about that.

    And besides... how could I have 'ditched him' when he saw with his own eyes that I was so drunk I could barely walk?

    To make things worse, I found out recently that he told everyone that he carried me home on our first date, rather than just abandoning me.

    Three years on and we met at a bar and decided to give it a second shot. We made a fresh start and our dating has since been disaster-free.

    But now we have been living together for a number of years and he is talking about marriage and babies. He is a lot of fun to live with as we have almost identical interests, but his irresponsible behaviour has very occasionally resurfaced in less dramatic circumstances... for instance, he once drove off and left me with some friends in a pub after an arguement, and another time he abandoned me at a big rock concert because I'd lost my ticket and he really wanted to see the show, so he went in without me and left me outside to wait for him. I didn't even have a cellphone, and because I still can't drive I was terrified that he'd drive off and leave me. I was so scared of being left behind that wound up jumping the fence and somehow (miraculously!) managed to find him in a crowd of 100,000 people!! He told me there was no way he would've left without me, but it was still very scary for me!

    He has also systematically lost or given away every pet we've had together (and don't they say that men will treat their kids how they treat their pets...?).... which increased my worry about his irresponsibility. He gave away his young Scottie dog to a family member because he couldn't control its barking, and he left our white cat behind when we moved house and refused to return and help me look for it, because he was sick of it shedding on the furnature. I spent a lot of time and money looking for it, and he constantly grumbled at me for making such a fuss over 'a damn cat.'

    Anyway, he asked me to marry him last night and I told him I'd think about it. I love him dearly despite all of the above, I adore his family and love our life together... but all these little things are pointing at a big irresponsibility issue which I'm worried may flare up again in the future. I can easily see him abandoning me or our marriage if something small goes wrong... and even telling everyone that I was to blame, even if I wasn't, just to protect his own self-image.

    Am I overreacting here? All my friends say I should just 'talk to him about it'.... but how can I when he won't even admit he is at fault in any of these cases?

    Sorry this is kind of a long post but I promised him I'd give him a decision about marrying him in a week. Any advice would be very gratefully appreciated! Many thanks in advance for your help! :-)

    Last edited by steelgoat; 04-29-2009 at 03:05 PM.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 03-30-2009, 07:23 PM   #2
    Larrylou'smom
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Larrylou'smom's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Posts: 4,063
    Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    No, I personally don't think you're overreacting at all. Your concerns are very valid, it seems, but at the same time, he is who he is, and he will always be who he is, so I'm not sure what you're asking. How can you make him suddenly be someone he isn't? Andyour friends say talk to him. What can you say to him that you haven't said after every one of these incidents over the last four years?

    First of all, please please please do NOT get any more pets as long as you live with this guy. It's so very unfair to the poor animal nthat you know will end up left behind, abandoned, or worse.

    That having been said, like I said before, he is who he is. And your married life with him will be like your life withi him always has been. Think long and hard as to whether you really want to live the rest of yoru lfie like this. But regardless of what you decide to do, I do suggest you learn how to drive so you can be more independent and less reliant on someone who has proven to be so untrustowrthy.

     
    Old 03-30-2009, 07:29 PM   #3
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,286
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    this has nothing to do with being a musician, and everything to do with just being a jerk. he gives musicians a bad name, although some of them are irresponsible. lose this guy, he's not worth 5 minutes of your time, and yes learn to drive.....

     
    Old 03-30-2009, 07:55 PM   #4
    Redneon82
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Redneon82's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2007
    Location: California
    Posts: 2,093
    Redneon82 HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    Marriage does not change a man (or a woman). They don't get a ring on their finger and say a few words in a church and suddenly become responsible and reliable. They either are or they aren't.

    Now, there are some men who have "settled down" and become good husbands and fathers after a wild youth, but it was THEIR decision to stop acting wild and not their wives or girlfriends. So the nice fairy tale idea that if a man loves you he should WANT to change is just that...a myth.

    What you see now is what you'll get...so either agree to be engaged but have a nice long engagement so you can see if any changes are in the works, or say "not right now" and don't accept. Whatever happens, I don't recommend marrying him any time soon.

     
    Old 03-30-2009, 08:38 PM   #5
    Thisby
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2002
    Location: Ontario, Canada
    Posts: 5,466
    Thisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    I'm only posting this to give you another point of view. Take it for what it's worth. Basically, I've kind of gotten hung up on how you say he's irresponsible but your examples don't seem to back it up.

    Starting with your story of your first date, the responsibility of who is at fault really is open to interpretation and I can see both your sides. IMO, you both made an error in guessing what the other was doing, you both had a right to be angry and you both should have been apologizing to the other. And since it was only your first date, he wasn't responsible for you if he honestly believed you'd ditched him. (If I were out on a first date and thought I'd been ditched, all responsibility ends there.) And he certainly wasn't responsible for monitoring your alcohol intake, that was your doing, no question. There's a big difference between "He saw I was tipsy" and "I was so drunk I could barely walk" and maybe it's all in the storytelling, but from here the responsibility looks to be sitting at 50-50.

    (As for what he's told people since then, would you prefer he told them you got so drunk you passed out in the car park and he couldn't find you? I don't think so, lol.)

    I'm also wondering why you associate his 'abandoning' you those two times with him being irresponsible. Isn't your inability to get home also your doing? I realize you don't drive, but that's not his fault. You need to get some independence, get that driver's license!

    Also, the thing about the cat doesn't sound irresponsible, it sounds more passive aggressive.

    Anyway, before calling him irresponsible and expecting him to apologize, make sure you are guilt-free. And keep in mind who got drunk, who lost her ticket, who can't make her way home on her own after an argument...

    Surely if everything else is good, you can find a solution to this problem?

     
    Old 03-30-2009, 11:14 PM   #6
    negot
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    negot's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2007
    Location: California
    Posts: 651
    negot HB Usernegot HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    Your relationship seems to be good except that you say that your boyfriend is irresponsible. I do see your point, but you do have to take some responsibility, too. For example, how come that you don't drive, instead you depend on him to take you places and then drive you home? What is that about?
    Your story about your first date reminded me of something similar that happened to me, but in my case it was a friend who left me behind. My female friend and I were on vacation in a foreign country. We went to a restaurant and l hadn't eaten all day and got very drunk after two glasses of wine. My friend just left me in the restaurant and went back to the hotel. I remember thinking that she wasn't somebody I could ever count on when she could just leave me like that. I was really disappointed in her. So, I do understand your feelings about your boyfriend leaving you behind on your first date.
    I don't know what to tell you. The truth is that it isn't that easy to find somebody that you click with. It sounds as if you have a good relationship except for the issue you are bringing up here. Could you go for couples counseling a few times and try to see if your boyfriend is able to understand
    how his behavior makes you feel?

     
    Old 03-30-2009, 11:41 PM   #7
    writeleft
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2008
    Posts: 5,099
    writeleft HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    No!

    His repeated choices to leave you behind, is a deal breaker. This man has a character "flaw" that you cannot fix, just accept it. You have already been left by this charming, friendly, popular musician.

    Abandoning/losing track of your girlfriend is not too cool. Abandoning pets is another thing! At least you are capable of hailing a cab, getting home, etc. Abandoning animals is just cruel.

    Learn from this experience, and go find yourself a real man...they are out there. It's not about who you love...it's about who loves you. Be patient, and hold out for a man who will stand by your side, not one who leaves you standing in a parking lot.

    If you stay with this one, I would make sure I held his hand all the time, and not let myself get lost. I would also keep alternate rides home in mind, and plenty of cabfare in your purse. If he has already lost you and found you again, over 4 years time, it's sounds like you always make your way back to him.

    Good luck

    Last edited by writeleft; 03-30-2009 at 11:57 PM.

     
    Old 04-01-2009, 10:04 AM   #8
    steelgoat
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    steelgoat's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2009
    Posts: 2
    steelgoat HB User
    Smile Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    Thank you so much for all your replies. I absolutely 100% agree with those of you who say that marriage won't change this guy.... the choice is mine over whether I want to spend the rest of my life with him, even though I feel uncomfortable with the way he handles some situations. Couples conselling might be a good idea, I agree, and a nice long engagement I think will be a must!

    Anyway.... aside from these rather alarming lapses in judgement, I guess I'd say our relationship is pretty good - he doesn't lie, cheat, stay out late, drink too much, and is truly excellent about returning phone calls... basically all the 'guy' probablems I've had in the past are non-existant with him. We have great chemistry & everyone I know says they are jealous of our relationship... which I'm hoping is a good sign! And yes he can be an idiot at times, but I know how hard it is to find someone you 'click' with.... I was single for 5 years before meeting him, and quite honestly couldn't ask for a better match, if I could just figure out how to work with him to solve these few issues I have with him.

    I guess that at the end of the day, if I *do* decide to stay with this guy, it will make me a hundred times more responsible... and that can't be a bad thing. :-)

    Thank you for all your responses so far. Any other comments or suggestions are welcomed! Thanks again!

    Last edited by steelgoat; 04-29-2009 at 03:02 PM.

     
    Old 04-01-2009, 05:48 PM   #9
    ergo4
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    ergo4's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2007
    Location: AZ USA
    Posts: 196
    ergo4 HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    I read with interest as my partner is a drummer but, thankfully, a responsible and caring one. We, too, have very compataible and similar interests. And he is who is, and I am who I am. That is, I love him despite his faults and he loves me despite mine and we accept these faults. People generally do not change so we have to accept each other at face value.

    If any of the following scenarios that you posted ever happened or was an issue, I would be pretty certain that he was not the one:
    • ...and another time he abandoned me at a big rock concert because I'd lost my ticket and he really wanted to see the show, so he went in without me and left me outside to wait for him.
    • He has also systematically lost or given away every pet we've had together...
    Also, if you are in a serious, committed relationship with someone this should never, ever be an issue:

    • I was so scared of being left behind... it was still very scary for me!

    Find a guy that treats you right, one that can be sympathetic with animals, and he may be your always and forever.

     
    Old 04-08-2009, 10:52 AM   #10
    Ashley9045
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2008
    Location: Philadelphia, PA
    Posts: 418
    Ashley9045 HB UserAshley9045 HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    I am going to be straight up with my response! My relationship with my boyfriend just broke up after 4 years and he was also a musician. They are self centered and if I was you I would get out of the relationship now when you can. I can speak from experience.

     
    Old 04-08-2009, 02:43 PM   #11
    GypsyArcher
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    GypsyArcher's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2003
    Location: USA
    Posts: 1,418
    GypsyArcher HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    I have to say, this guy sounds goofy. How could you even PUT UP with stuff like that? This guy is selfish and has absolutely no consideration for you. Regarding the concert where you lost your ticket and he expected you to just wait outside for him - HA! If I was in that situation, and my partner lost their ticket, I'd probably be bummed, but no way would I say "Well, I'm going in, and you're just going to have to wait out here." Plus, I'd hope that if I said something like that to my boyfriend that he'd laugh right in my face.

    No one is perfect, obviously. But stuff like that is just ridiculous...he doesn't sound like a keeper
    __________________
    The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

     
    Old 04-08-2009, 03:01 PM   #12
    nobodyknows
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    nobodyknows's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2001
    Location: ny ny usa
    Posts: 150
    nobodyknows HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    I think if you arrived at a concert only to find you had one ticket between the two of you the gentlemanly thing to do would be to either let you go enjoy the concert or scalp the ticket and make other plans.
    i know you say he's charming and charismatic but that won't carry a marriage.
    marriage is hard hard...way more challenging than the little stuff like a cat or giving you a ride that he cannot handle already. in your lifetime you will need be unemployed, sick, pregnant, bedridden, depressed (these things happen)...you will need someone less flaky.
    he sounds like a boyfriend for a teenage girl not a husband.
    i'm so sorry but at least don't marry him.
    and yes i agree you need to be more independent but don't use that to write him a pass.

     
    Old 04-08-2009, 09:48 PM   #13
    littlefoot09
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    littlefoot09's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2009
    Location: kelso washington
    Posts: 5
    littlefoot09 HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    let me respond to the lady who has a boyfriend who is a musican,sweetie i was married to a musican for 10 years ,and let me tell you they cant be trusted,they cheat ,lie,try to control you,and when they cheat,they turn it all around to where its your fault and that they were compelled,leave him now .im not saying that all musicans are all alike but 90% of them are.good ones are very far and few between.if you want to be happy and have a future this isnt the one you should be with.i think that all musicans should be single,because they sure act like it,they want there cake and eat it too,they want the little woman at home to cook and clean,and be there when the mood strikes them,but also want to have a little on the side ,so really think about what you are doing and want for your future before you settle with this man.just ask your self this qweston,when you are home when hes away working {is he alone}9 times out of 10 hes not.

     
    Old 04-09-2009, 12:17 AM   #14
    chevyman
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    chevyman's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Posts: 2,897
    chevyman HB User
    Re: Irresponsible musician boyfriend - should I stick with him?

    I agree with thisby,
    if you continue to see this guy, don't drink when you go out, if you get tipsy on one or two glasses of wine (empty tummy or not) you don't have a very high alchol tollarance, its you that is irrresposable, the only thing I'd be ****** off at him about is when he leaves you all alone like at the rock concert ect,,...that shows he is selfesh and just wants what he wants or his way. in my opinion what I would have did was just say well only one ticket...aghh I did'nt want to see that old concert anyway lets go do something else how bout a game of pool back at the pub.

    Rather or Not that he is a musican should not make any difference in how he treats you, guys like that just moves around a lot playing gigs and just happens to have a more repore with people ...>all kinds of people.

    Its great that he is a pretty cool guy and he don't drink to much don't cheat, happy go luckly kind of guy and has a good personality...IMO he is just a selfesh man period.
    If I was you I'd think long and hard before a marrige to this man.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Boyfriend's Adult Children are Irresponsible! chill200 Relationship Health 8 05-18-2007 11:21 PM
    help!frightened about mood/personality changes in boyfriend going off depression meds eva125 Depression 11 05-19-2006 03:22 PM
    Being an artist(Especially a musician) with OCD is HELL! JuanVicente Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 9 07-23-2005 11:56 AM
    Boyfriend (more like a friend) has got me confused, do I leave for new opportunity? nelzun Relationship Health 6 12-23-2003 07:21 AM
    Should I let my musician bf go? ally313 Relationship Health 2 09-08-2003 03:48 AM
    Hate boyfriend being a musician rockstar_girlfriend Relationship Health 12 09-06-2003 05:57 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:09 PM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!