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    Old 04-13-2009, 12:05 AM   #1
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    How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    If you laughed at the title, I don't blame you. But this is driving me nuts and I have no clue how to try and change it.

    Some of you are probably familiar with my past posts about my boyfriend, but here's a brief description of him for those who are not: Unemployed, no ambitions, play video games day and night, very boring existence. The End.

    I'm away in college right now and I have absolutely no friends, and no one to talk to. I chit-chat with my roomies, but I have no one I can have an actual nice long conversation with, even online. Due to the distance between BF and I, we communicate every day via internet, but the problem is he says he can never think of anything to talk about...so he sits and plays his games and usually says little more to me than "Hello, how was your day?" and a few "I love you's". And that's sweet, but it doesn't count as a real conversation.

    I am desperate for some kind of interaction with another person, and the one person who I would think could talk to me frequently does not. I have major socialization issues and I cannot make friends easily, not to mention I am graduating this semester and don't want to make more friends only to lose them. Currently I have sort of latched onto a sort of new friend, but I worry I bother them every time I speak to them (despite their reassurances that I am not).

    And I do sometimes try my best to inspire conversation, but it is often met with short, neutral answers like "hehe" or "indeed".

    So, to those who are involved in any kind of long-term relationship...how can I sort of light the fire under my boyfriend to make him talk to me? I just want some kind of interaction with him so I'm not this lonely.

     
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    Old 04-13-2009, 04:19 AM   #2
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    It seems to me ur boyfriend is in the same kind of rut I currently am in. Having no job and nothing to do all day isnt going to lead to any great conversations. The best thing u can do for ur self is pester him about finding a job. Converse about that when you guys talk. Be helpful and positive around him and the subject. Hopefully when he gets back to working and living he will have more things to talk about.
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    Old 04-13-2009, 04:27 AM   #3
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Try to remember what your bf's interests are, whether it's a hobby, it doesn't matter. Then talk about his interests (no matter how boring it may seem to you) and see what happens.

    Another idea is what games does he play? Can you play the same games he does? I believe couples need to compromise to a certain degree in order to keep a relationship healthy.

    Hope this helps,
    Sunny

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 04:50 AM   #4
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Not sure what else to tell ya. You've posted so often about this same problem, and as you can see, it's not getting any better. In fact, you're about to be a college graduate which will make things much worse because I'm sure he will start resenting the fact that your degree will make you far more marketable than he will ever be, and therefore you'll make more money and have more success. Guys hate it when their gf or wife has more money or makes more money than they do. Their egos can't handle that kind of thing. I hate to say it but there's no future for this relationship.

    There's nothing you can do or say to make him magically change into the bf you want him to be. He is a guy who lacks any kind of ambition or motivation in his life, he has no goals, and he is the type who sponges off mommy and daddy for everything. If you guys somehow end up living together, then all of that sponging is going to transfer to you, and you're going to be the one supporting him. He will probably never work again, what's the point? No one is forcing him to get a job, they're just allowing him to live a loser existance playing video games in the basement all day.

    The fact that you're almost done with your degree, doesn't that make you want something more in your life? Doesn't it make you want a guy who is at the same level as you? I can't imagine staying with this guy, because if you do, you'll end up being the one supporting him! That is a guarantee. He will never change because he doesn't want to, and there's nothing you can do or say to make him change.

    So you need to either accept the fact that he has no goals, no ambition, no motivation and only takes from people without giving anything back, or you need to finally wake up one day and decide that you're better than a life with that kind of burden and see that you are a better person and deserve a better partner. He is not it. He's not the one. He's the WRONG one. You need to wake up and realize this.

    This relationship has gone nowhere in YEARS and it hasn't changed for the better, it just keeps getting worse. When are you going to draw the line?

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 08:23 AM   #5
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    He can't have a conversation with you because he has nothing to talk about. What's he going to do, talk about how many points he scored on his game this afternoon? You are having all these experiences and making a future while he sits home doing nothing. I'm not trying to put him down, it's just that it's the truth.

    What do you have in common? What interests do you share? What are your plans for the future? If you talk about your day, he really can't respond because he can't relate. I guess you'll just have to talk about his day since he doesn't seem to be able to participate in a conversation about yours.

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 08:48 AM   #6
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    I take it their is more issues and concerns here than what I have read? Beings I am new here I don't know the past threads but from what I read in KSZAN's thread it don't sound good and it is a long drawn out routine?

    I take it you have no self esteem for starters? That it is easier to just stay w/ the now instead of checking out further options in your future? What I am saying is to see what other kind of people that are out there that might catch your interest?

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 09:03 AM   #7
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    I have tried giving him a little shove in terms of finding work - I found a huge list of jobs with fairly nice salaries that do not require degrees. I shouldn't need to do that for him, but I wanted to show him what options he could have.

    Honestly, BF's hobbies aren't really beyond playing video games, and while I also play games, we don't like the same kinds of games. BF doesn't usually play games with me because he's more skilled at them than I am and he knows he can easily beat me, so I'm not much of a challenge. And I tried playing the godawful online game that takes his attention from me, but I got fed up with it after about five minutes. He does tell me about how him and his guild beat this or that monster, but I can't really talk too in-depth about it because I don't understand it or much care, really.

    Video games, coffee and baking/food are about the only things he and I have in common. I'm an artist, and he isn't. We like different music too. Heh...he should be thankful I am so low maintenance and don't demand he take me out or buy me things, or else he'd be up the creek without a paddle.

    His father is intending to up and leave soon to go to be trained for a better job, meaning the only income in the house is going to vanish. BF is going to need to get a job not only to keep the house from being taken, but to allow his disabled mother to still have a place to live...and one of our friends who has work ethic is going to stay there as well to help with the rent. I'm hoping this will wake him up a little - I know no one likes to work, but it's just one of those things you need to do. I guess BF missed the memo.

    And believe me, I can't support him just so he can sit on his duff and play games. There's no way I could find a job that pays enough to support myself, pay bills, buy food, repay student loans and support him. I would sooner get an apartment with roommates who pay rent and let him stay with Mommy and Daddy than support him financially.

    And you're right, his day is very uninteresting. Wake up at 3 p.m., eat, play games, get dinner, games, coffee, games, sleep around 5-7 a.m. That's it. Sometimes he'll go visit his friend down the street, with whom he plays more video games. It also does not help that there's almost nothing to do in terms of jobs or entertainment in our hometown; basically working is also a pastime if you live where we do. And DBF never wants to move away because his parents left him their house...too bad I want to move to an area where I can actually find a job with my degree (and maybe master's degree if things go well with my grad school application).

    I don't really want to nag him to work, because his parents do that enough...and if he won't listen to them, why would he listen to me? I bet if I told him how I currently have a crush on another male friend, he'd talk about it. Especially since my friend happens to have a job and is also in college.

    I think all I need to do is wait for DBF's parents to kick the bucket and when he has no one to support his anti-work ways, he'll get his wake-up call. Or go on welfare. Something that pays will be good.

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 09:07 AM   #8
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    I have tried giving him a little shove in terms of finding work - I found a huge list of jobs with fairly nice salaries that do not require degrees. I shouldn't need to do that for him, but I wanted to show him what options he could have.

    Honestly, BF's hobbies aren't really beyond playing video games, and while I also play games, we don't like the same kinds of games. BF doesn't usually play games with me because he's more skilled at them than I am and he knows he can easily beat me, so I'm not much of a challenge. And I tried playing the godawful online game that takes his attention from me, but I got fed up with it after about five minutes. He does tell me about how him and his guild beat this or that monster, but I can't really talk too in-depth about it because I don't understand it or much care, really.

    Video games, coffee and baking/food are about the only things he and I have in common. I'm an artist, and he isn't. We like different music too. Heh...he should be thankful I am so low maintenance and don't demand he take me out or buy me things, or else he'd be up the creek without a paddle.

    His father is intending to up and leave soon to go to be trained for a better job, meaning the only income in the house is going to vanish. BF is going to need to get a job not only to keep the house from being taken, but to allow his disabled mother to still have a place to live...and one of our friends who has work ethic is going to stay there as well to help with the rent. I'm hoping this will wake him up a little - I know no one likes to work, but it's just one of those things you need to do. I guess BF missed the memo.

    And believe me, I can't support him just so he can sit on his duff and play games. There's no way I could find a job that pays enough to support myself, pay bills, buy food, repay student loans and support him. I would sooner get an apartment with roommates who pay rent and let him stay with Mommy and Daddy than support him financially.

    And you're right, his day is very uninteresting. Wake up at 3 p.m., eat, play games, get dinner, games, coffee, games, sleep around 5-7 a.m. That's it. Sometimes he'll go visit his friend down the street, with whom he plays more video games. It also does not help that there's almost nothing to do in terms of jobs or entertainment in our hometown; basically working is also a pastime if you live where we do. And DBF never wants to move away because his parents left him their house...too bad I want to move to an area where I can actually find a job with my degree (and maybe master's degree if things go well with my grad school application).

    I don't really want to nag him to work, because his parents do that enough...and if he won't listen to them, why would he listen to me? I bet if I told him how I currently have a crush on another male friend, he'd talk about it. Especially since my friend happens to have a job and is also in college.

    I think all I need to do is wait for DBF's parents to kick the bucket and when he has no one to support his anti-work ways, he'll get his wake-up call. Or go on welfare. Something that pays will be good.
    One thing never do is make a comparison to another male friend that will only anger him and make him retaliate more...so keep that one to yourself...LOL...but what you might want to do is, try and meeting more people and maybe you will find that there is something more interesting and wants the same out of life as you do...if not that you will make a few good friends out there.....

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 09:08 AM   #9
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
    He can't have a conversation with you because he has nothing to talk about. What's he going to do, talk about how many points he scored on his game this afternoon? You are having all these experiences and making a future while he sits home doing nothing. I'm not trying to put him down, it's just that it's the truth.

    What do you have in common? What interests do you share? What are your plans for the future? If you talk about your day, he really can't respond because he can't relate. I guess you'll just have to talk about his day since he doesn't seem to be able to participate in a conversation about yours.
    I couldn't agree more with Redneon. In fact, I'd more concerned about his idleness, his lack of perspective, his wasting his time with video games, etc than about his incapacity of holding a dialogue with you. Of course he is unable to talk to you. He simply doesn't know where and how to start. Perhaps you're being slightly unfair with him, by expecting him to give you more than he can. Why don't you encourage him to move on with his life and search for a job at the very least? If he gives you lames excuses for staying where he is or if he sounds really hopeless about his future, then I think it's better for you to move on or else accept this reality and swallow his silence.

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 09:20 AM   #10
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    how on earth did he become your b/f??
    I can't make my g/f shut up and some times she can't make me shut up, sometimes thats good sometimes bad.

    your b/f may just think in his mind he's talking to you and don't realize that... thats weird I know but its true.
    deep thought people are just like that.

    flirt with other guys in front of him see if he starts talking then??
    Nah bad ideal. never mind.

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 09:59 AM   #11
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    Not to be facetious, but what exactly is so attractive about this guy? Is he super hot or good in bed or something?

    BTW, he is NOT going to get a wake up call. If he does, he won't answer. This is who he is, and here you are hoping he'll change. Don't we know by now that people don't change?

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 11:15 AM   #12
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    If my BF is anything like me, I know he'll just dig in his heels and say "no" whenever anyone tells him to do anything. Or (if he is unlike me), he will ignore them, thinking if he ignores long enough, the nagging will go away. So me encouraging him to find his purpose in life may be interpreted by him as me nagging and he will just ignore that too.

    Trust me...I love when I meet someone who has a more broad view of life. I can talk for hours to my best friend, and I love that he is somewhat ambitious, has work ethic, and is a bit of a deviant like myself. And was I not already dating when I met my best friend, I would be dating him now. I think when I fall for other guys, it's because they are what I want in a man plus they have traits I find attractive that my BF does not possess...like good conversational skills, ambitions, confidence, and so on.

    I sometimes can't explain why I am attracted to him. He is definitely a sweet guy, and he has a good sense of humor. This isn't really a deciding factor, but he's great in the bedroom too. And he treats me well and he's a very loving guy. But I know as well as anyone else that love doesn't pay the bills. And when his parents die, he won't have anywhere to go where he can mooch, so hopefully he can find where the nearest homeless shelter is...since that's where he'll be living unless he finds work someday.

    Maybe he is Mr. Right, or maybe he's just Mr. Right Now. I still want to give him a chance to redeem himself, but I won't be too happy if he makes zero effort to find a job when it reaches a point where he needs to help pay the rent. If things get horribly bad, I may threaten to leave him...though that is sort of the passive-aggressive way out.

    I know we have a big conversation in store for the future, and it's the one where we try to compromise on the major issues we disagree on...that's gonna be fun. I'm almost looking forward to it because it will mean actual interaction with him. And no, DBF knows he doesn't talk much to me because he always apologizes for not saying more than one word an hour to me. I try not to hold it against him, but man he's boring.

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 06:40 PM   #13
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    All I have to add after reading everyone else's responses is this:

    You are very young (compared to me as I am 52) and some of the best lessons in life just comes from living them.. I made excuses for guys when I was in my teens and my 20's because I was confused about men and life..

    As I became older I also became wiser.. But I needed to live those confusing years and I don't regret anything.. We don't learn if we don't live and experience all sorts of situations...

    Just don't settle for any guy in this time in your life.. You have many more men to meet and you will meet them.. You will appreciate better men because of this experience... (oh golly, I sound so old!!)

    Good luck to you,
    Sunny

     
    Old 04-13-2009, 08:22 PM   #14
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    For me, it wasn't until I got older that I realized I deserved to be with someone better. At your age it's hard to understand that because you haven't been through enough life experience. But when you get into your late 20s and early 30s, you start to realize that you are worth more. And your time is more valuable. Therefore you become unwilling to waste it with a pantywaste of a boyfriend who can't be bothered to have a job.

    Hey listen, my most recent ex bf had a job, sort of. But it was sporadic work that didn't pay a lot and wasn't steady income. I make a lot of money at my job. He started making comments about me being the breadwinner if we ever got married and saying that he didn't need to work much since I have the fat paycheck. Pretty soon I got sick of it and I had to end it. I didn't let it go past 2 months because I didn't feel like wasting my time with a guy who didn't have steady employment. It irritated me. I know that if you were a little older and if you were working while he sits home and plays games all day it will seriously get old and you'll regret staying with him.

    I've noticed especially in your last post about him that it sounds like you don't even like him. You said yourself you have nothing in common. It doesn't sound like you have any reason to continue this farce of a relationship. Kick him to the curb, girlfriend, he is only going to bring you down!

     
    Old 04-14-2009, 05:33 AM   #15
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    Re: How to get boyfriend to have conversations with me

    It's not that I don't like him - I must, since I've been with him for almost four years. I just don't like that he has no aspirations and no desire to find any; I'm a lazy slob too, but I want to do more with my life than play games. But as said before...if he won't shape up and get a job when I finish my master's degree, he won't be living with me. Not to punish him, but because I would not be able to afford to support us both.

    Heh...part of me wonders something. He said he wants a big traditional wedding, but he won't work. My family is poor and his family is poor. I wonder where he thinks the money would come from to have a wedding, especially considering I want a non-traditional (and far less expensive) wedding.

    Like I said, I want to give him a chance. If ever we reach a time where we would live together, I would expect him to have a job before we find a place to live. I want to see where this goes - four years is a long time to have invested in a relationship and I don't want to just up and end it.

     
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