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Confused- need some advice

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Old 04-15-2009, 03:03 AM   #1
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macdonner HB User
Confused- need some advice

This could turn into an epic story but i will try to make it as brief as possible!!

I met my husband aged 17, married at 21, and now have 2 lovely children aged 5 and 2. The relationship with DH has gone downhill from the beginning; he was violent and abusive even when i was pregnant with our first child. I got the usual it will never happen again etc and as with most people in that position i stuck it out( I am now 30 BTW).

Even though the actual physical violence had subsided it was replaced with controlling behaviour. I have been diagnosed with depression for the last 4 years, have tried counselling that did not work for me at all and i tried to make it all better by myself.

The climax came on the first of march this year; my husband said i has stolen money from him and this small argument turned into a large one with mud being flung from both sides. this was in front of the children and i knew at that point that they should not have to see this- i left with my children that day.

My friends mum put us up and more than 28 days later i am still waiting to be confirmed as homeless never mind being offered a house for me and my children. there was no way my DH would have left the house we shared and so it was my only option.

He works offshore and we have pets which were with him so i agreed that whilst the kids were on holiday with grandparents i would house and dog-sit. We have been civil since i left and i have never stopped him seeing the kids. He says that he has had this month of being on his own to think very hard and wants to change for good- he admits that he has been violent, controlling and generally an a******* towards me and he hopes that i will be able to forgive him. He says he does not want us to get back together straight away but he hopes that over time i will love him again (as he knows that i don't). After all the years I am finding it hard to believe him which he says he understands.

Just before I came to house-sit i fell out with my friends mum and she basically wanted us out, so now we really are homeless (lucky the kids are on hols!)So he has now also offered to move out of the house so me and the kids can move back in and he will go and live with his mum.

I'm looking for any help, advice or suggestions on what i should do as i am so down (almost feel like topping myself right now) as I cannot make a decision. Do i move back with the kids so they have a roof over their head? Will this send the wrong signals and make me look weak again? Do i take him seriously? Is this all going to bite me on the butt in the future?

Please, any help will be great as my head is filled with sawdust at the moment- any views will be greatly appreciated

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Old 04-15-2009, 07:00 AM   #2
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Re: Confused- need some advice

Since he's the one with all the resources, and he's the one who has caused most of the misery in the marriage, I'd take him up on his offer for him to move out of the house so you and the kids will have a roof over your heads until you can get your feet on the ground and get in a position to take care of yourself and not be so dependent. Then the choices will be easier. But just because you move back into the house doesn't mean you have to take him back.

Old 04-15-2009, 08:21 AM   #3
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Re: Confused- need some advice

I don't know if I'd move back with him. I'd talk to a lawyer about my rights, and I'd probably be making plans for the rest of my life without him. He has to support the kids regardless if they're under his roof or not. My advice is take this abuser to the cleaners and get everything you can outta him.
Don't go back for more abuse.

Old 04-15-2009, 08:36 AM   #4
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Re: Confused- need some advice

Since he has expressed a (hopefully very sincere) desire to change and work toward making your relationship better, then you should talk to him and make sure he is serious about moving out first. Let him know that this is his last chance. Then you and the kids move in and hold him to it. If I were you, I would demand that he go to marriage counseling with you, also. Because even though he seems to be sincere and willing to change, he can NOT change a lifetime of behavior, the only behavior he knows, by himself. And living with his parents, depending on how they are, may not help him to change. Counseling would be the ONLY way I would consider working with him to save the marriage. Good luck! Abuse is a learned behavior and it is almost impossible for someone who has learned this behavior to stop it on their own.

Old 04-15-2009, 10:21 AM   #5
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Re: Confused- need some advice

Hmm, I am not sure if you should have left after your husband accused you of stealing his money. His money? I thought you had common goods after so many years. This is also your house and your kids' house. But on the other hand I know how bad you must have felt with his accusation and offense. And you certainly wanted to protect the children from his anger, right? Did he ever apologize to you for this?

This is a difficult case. I don't know if I would believe him again. I wouldn't be sure if he were taking advantage of my homelessness or not and saying he wanted to change just for effect.

Well, since you have nowhere to go now and since the children's grandparents can't take them in, I would go back to the house without him but not without talking to an attorney first. You must know what your rights are and then you must exercise them, so you don't have to act impulsively again and in a way, adding fuel to the fire. When you are given this information, then you might want to discuss with him the future of your relationship seriously. I like the idea of a third party between you and him, a counsellor, a judge, anyone else. Don't let this problem be resolved intramurally. Ask the support from the law. This is your right.

Old 04-15-2009, 11:42 AM   #6
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Re: Confused- need some advice

It is always a procarious thing asking for advice in what is no more that a chat room. Your situation is a very serious one as it involves children and your action have an effect on them too. Running and taking him to the cleaners does not solve your immediate issue and may not solve your long term problems either but I do agree you must seek legal advice the sooner the better.

I agree with pendulum comment, it is also your house too and the kids need a roof. What would be the harm in moving back to your house. If he doesn't move out like he said there is no stopping you leaving again. This would solve your immediate problem and you will not have to rely on other peoples help.

As for you husband many may say 'leopards can't change their spot' for him it's a learnt behaviour not something he is born withso he can change especially with professional help. The first step to change or recovery is to admit you have a problem which he has done. You say the violence has gone so you and your children are in no physical danger. He has made promisses so you must hold him to them and demand he get professional help. He has taken the first steps, he may be lying but you can not tell it may of taken him this many years to realise what a poor husband he has been. I think the catalyst for his self realisation was when you moved out.

You must start a diary and keep records of everything, what he promisses if he gives you abuse etc this will help with any future court cases and councelling you have together.

Just remember your husband may of learnt his behaviour from his parents so look at how this is affecting your children. You must do everything to protect them from this and try and provide a balanced upbringing.

If you are in the UK leaving your home makes it harder for you to get it in a settlement. If you are still living there with the children courts always grant possesion to the mother and children regardless of whether your name is on the deeds or not. I don't know the what the situation is for US citizens but it is probably similar.

You need to get better help for your depression, when in the midst of a deep depression your mind will make illogical decisions. You will not think straight a lot of the time and because you have children to look after you can't afford to be in this sort of state whilst you are on your own. Find some help even if it means going to another doctor. I hope my advice can put you in the right direction and I wish you all the best. Don't forget get some LEGAL advice soon.

Don't give in and try to overcome those feeling of wanting to top yourself. Think of your kids and the fact they would end up being brought up by their father, now I know you don't want that.

Old 04-16-2009, 01:47 AM   #7
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macdonner HB User
Re: Confused- need some advice

Thank you all very much for your views.

I am going to talk to CAB today (I'm in the UK) and get some more information about my rights etc. If this all appears to be fine then I think that I will move back into the house with the kids. Someone else suggested to me that I change the locks once he has moved out which seems like a good way to go. At least doing this means that I have some peace of mind in case he is just spinning me lines.

I agree also that I do need to get help for my depression and I cannot deal with all this without support so going to the doctor will be the next step.

As for going to counselling with him, well, I think that would be fine if he agrees, as long as he realises that it may just provide closure with proper answers for me and the help he needs; I suppose only time will tell if he does change and whether I begin to love him again.

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