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  • Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

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    Old 04-20-2009, 12:21 PM   #16
    pendulum
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rudiraven View Post
    Your fiance may be thinking the same thing but he would never call it off because he wouldn't want to hurt you and be the "bad guy". Be the brave one and call it off before you both make a mistake, but don't do it for this "other guy". He doesn't want you. His statement "I just want you to be happy" is his way of sounding like he cares. He's just stringing you along because he feels safe since your "engaged" and about to be married. It flatters him that you want him. Watch how fast he's out of the picture when you cancel the wedding. It seems you just need more time to decide what you really want. Marriage should be a lifetime commitment and not entered into lightly. Too many broken homes and damaged children because of selfish people. Be strong and do the right thing. I wish you the best.
    I like this post, but I don't know if I understand what she means by "selfish people." I understand it may be foolish to marry someone out of convenience, but does she mean to say that once you have married someone you should avoid ending the marriage because of the possibility of breaking homes and damaging children? I would like to ask Rudiraven to elaborate on her thoughts, if possible. This is of interest to me and perhaps also to the case in point.

     
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    Old 04-20-2009, 02:12 PM   #17
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    I will try to briefly elaborate on what I meant by "selfish people". They are the people who decide to end a marriage because it isn't "fun" anymore or it's not the same as it used to be with the "butterflies in the stomach". A good marriage is hard work and there are rough times and smooth times but you have to perservere. I am not suggesting that all marriages should or can be saved. When there is abuse, disloyalty, addiction etc. then it is better for all concerned, including children, to end it. I hope I cleared that up a little.

     
    Old 04-20-2009, 02:33 PM   #18
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    but don't do it for this "other guy". He doesn't want you. His statement "I just want you to be happy" is his way of sounding like he cares. He's just stringing you along because he feels safe since your "engaged" and about to be married. It flatters him that you want him. Watch how fast he's out of the picture when you cancel the wedding.

    I think you are right about this at the present time. When we first met and this all began, I would have disagreed because at that point he was definitely more attached to me than I was to him, he didn't have a girlfriend, and if I had broken my relationship to be with him, I believe we would have been together and happy. At this point in time after such a long and sometimes dramatic "friendship", I think he is probably more interested in my appearance and the possibility of a physical relationship. I know he is a caring person and I am sure he really does want me to be happy - but I am sure he is not referring to be me being happy with HIM. I don't necessarily think he would fly out of the picture, but I do agree that he wouldn't exactly be jumping out of his relationship and into my arms... nonetheless we do have a great connection and that is what has thrown me for a loop.

     
    Old 04-20-2009, 02:52 PM   #19
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rudiraven View Post
    I will try to briefly elaborate on what I meant by "selfish people". They are the people who decide to end a marriage because it isn't "fun" anymore or it's not the same as it used to be with the "butterflies in the stomach". A good marriage is hard work and there are rough times and smooth times but you have to perservere. I am not suggesting that all marriages should or can be saved. When there is abuse, disloyalty, addiction etc. then it is better for all concerned, including children, to end it. I hope I cleared that up a little.
    Completely. I had thought that much, I just wanted a confirmation. Thank you very much.

     
    Old 04-20-2009, 02:55 PM   #20
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    If this "connection" has thrown you for a loop then all the more reason to cancel your wedding plans for right now. You and your fiance are willing to go through with it because "it's the thing we should do" and you don't want anyone to be upset with you. Better they be upset now, than later when you both realize you've made a mistake. Perhaps you can phrase it as a "postponement" until you both work out some "issues". I wish you well.

     
    Old 04-20-2009, 04:05 PM   #21
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    You met him too early. You need a bit of life before settling down, and maybe some more relationship experienes. Dont waste time and moey on this wedding. Talk to him he may fel just like you do,

     
    Old 04-20-2009, 06:00 PM   #22
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Don't go through with the wedding just yet put it off until you can decide who you love more...nah you can love two men at the same time HAVE COMAPSSION AND LOVE FOR BOTH MEN but you need to let your inner feelings take over and you decide, don't let others decise this for you, it could be and will be the most important decision of your life.

    I say if you love no.2 more of a romatic way and you really want him to be with you the rest of your life...then don't go through with this wedding No matter who it hurts.

     
    Old 04-21-2009, 02:43 PM   #23
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    would you be questioning your upcoming nuptuals if guy number 2 wasn't in the picture?

     
    Old 04-21-2009, 03:06 PM   #24
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    would you be questioning your upcoming nuptuals if guy number 2 wasn't in the picture?
    That is a good question. I was wondering myself if this second guy was simply the trigger.

     
    Old 04-21-2009, 04:40 PM   #25
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    I think you just want to please everyone for fear of upsetting your parents, your fiance, etc.

    The person you really need to please is yourself. It's your life and you are the one who will be living it. Marrying your "good friend" in my opinion is just not a good idea and you may live to regret it..

    I would not get married at all at this point but live your life the way that pleases you and just be happy being you. Forget about your parents, your fiance, and just live life to the fullest, you deserve that.

    You can always get married later on, what's the rush?

    Sunny

     
    Old 04-21-2009, 06:05 PM   #26
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    would you be questioning your upcoming nuptuals if guy number 2 wasn't in the picture?
    Honestly, I think I would be but definitely not to this extent. I would have "doubts" as they say, just because our relationship has never been as good as it used to be before the original break-up. We had arguments and conversations that messed with my head long before guy #2 came into the picture. I just know how devastated I was when we broke up before, so I felt like I could never be without him. I still feel that way in some respects. The new guy coming into the picture sort-of confirmed the worries I had before. But then I worry that I will never know when it's REALLY right if ten years down the road with the next person, the same thing happens. But by that time I might have had enough life experience to be content with the way things turned out to be. I don't know - it's just all so confusing and I never thought it would happen this way.


    [deleted]

    Everyone else, thank you for taking the time to give me your feedback on the situation. It's a hard pill to swallow and I appreciate the guidance.

    Last edited by Mo-S4; 05-28-2009 at 10:52 AM. Reason: Response to deleted post removed.

     
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    Old 04-21-2009, 07:49 PM   #27
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Just because you love someone or feel a connection does not mean that person is for you.
    Now, with your wedding 3 months away and the thousands of dollars you have already spent, you are more under pressure to make a decision on wheather or not you should get married.

    Have you tried talking to your mom (if you are close) about your feelings? Can she offer you advise that may help you?
    Marrying your HS sweetheart because he's safe may not lead to a happy fullfilled marriage. (been there done that)
    How does he feel? Has guy #2 lead you to believe there is a future for you and he? Are you afraid that if you do not marry #1 guy you may miss out on ever getting married again? The unknown future of what could be or could have been?
    You have many questions to ask yourself of what you want, as confusing as it may seem do what is best for you regardless of who may get hurt "now" if it's you or your boyfriend it's better to deal with it now then later.
    Oh and marriage, there is love, respect, PASSION, looking forward to sharing your daily life as well as your future...

     
    Old 04-21-2009, 08:04 PM   #28
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Since my best friend didn't listen to me when I told her this before her wedding, I really hope you will listen to me. Don't go through with it. It's not too late to put a stop to it. You still have a chance to do the right thing and make the right choice by ending this relationship - for both of your sake.

    Listen, my best friend called me the Monday before the Saturday of her wedding, crying her eyes out saying she thinks she is making a terrible mistake. I told her if she really feels that way it's not too late. She said but everyone was coming to town the next day, everything is set with the schedule, all of the deposits are paid yadda yadda ad nauseum. I said yea but any money you may lose at this point will be small change compared to the piece of mind you'll have to know you didn't go through with it if you're not sure. So... she went through with it. And not even a week later, she called me, crying again, saying that she was sleeping on the floor in the guest bedroom because he kicked her out of the bedroom. Nice, huh? But if she would have listened to me, that never would have happened!

    So don't end up like that. You have the chance to get out of it now, so you need to take that opportunity while it's still there. Or else you're going to regret it.

     
    Old 04-21-2009, 08:31 PM   #29
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    This is just a hard call for you to make...I once got myself in a predictment like this once..not sure if I made the right decision to this day?..I ended a 10 year realtionship or I should say she ended it and then theres was no. 1 and a no.2 which I'm with today but were not married...when you Love two people in a romatic way and you only have one choice.///...heck marry them both what the hell!

     
    Old 04-21-2009, 09:26 PM   #30
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sunnyrise View Post
    I think you just want to please everyone for fear of upsetting your parents, your fiance, etc.

    The person you really need to please is yourself. It's your life and you are the one who will be living it. Marrying your "good friend" in my opinion is just not a good idea and you may live to regret it..

    I would not get married at all at this point but live your life the way that pleases you and just be happy being you. Forget about your parents, your fiance, and just live life to the fullest, you deserve that.

    You can always get married later on, what's the rush?

    Sunny
    Couldn't have said it better myself!!!
    If you are in your mid-20's, I do know that some people still go through changes and things. I'm 30 and I feel different now then 5 yrs ago. You may just look back and feel so relieved that you didn't go through with it. Marriage is something you need to be 100% sure about.
    I know and have known numerous people who wish they would have waited or not have gone through with getting married, once you have kids it gets really difficult if you're not with the right person.
    I would just live my life, do I what I feel I need/want to do and when/if someone comes along then go from there.
    I mean, starting a relationship at the age you did and being in the same one for so long....I believe it would even be a grand idea if both of you got a good long break from each other just to see if you really want to be together. As in, just pursuing your OWN life and doing your OWN thing and be independent (not saying you're not, what do I know) and stuff like that.
    What a decision you need to make. And a big one at that. I know what I would do though. (easy for me to say, right?)
    Anyway, I wish you the best and hope you keep us informed.

     
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