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  • Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

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    Old 04-22-2009, 04:52 PM   #31
    Dark Stranger
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    I've never been in your exact position, but I did fall in love with my best friend, who happened to be a guy. There was just an instant click and I went from being a friend to loving him, and he felt the same toward me. He was a little jealous of my boyfriend, and I would get a little jealous of him if he got frisky with some random girl. In fact, he is still convinced he will marry me...and he and I seem to have more in common than my BF and I do, including the fact that my friend is childfree like I am (BF wants kids). But that's besides the point.

    The feelings for my friend exacerbated when he moved away, but I think I have gotten over them in time mostly. I still get a little jealous when he says anything about wanting to date, but I don't say anything.

    You and your partner have been together for a long time, and you are right saying all relationships will lose their excitement eventually. It takes a few years, but couples will reach that point of 'comfort' where you're over the goofy lovey-dovey honeymoon-ish bliss and are more sort of settled and are more like roommates...and it sounds like you and your fiance have already reached that point. And I think it's normal to get feelings toward other guys, especially if you are young. You might feel censured by taking this big final step in your relationship when you are in your twenties and part of you might want to experience more of the dating world before making a choice as permanent as marriage so young. Once again, I feel this way too...I would have liked to date while in college a little since I met some great guys who are friends, but BF didn't want to date other people.

    I echo what others are saying...don't make a decision this big if you are any less than a hundred percent sure about it. Odds are, if you get married when you don't necessarily want to, you will regret it and things will go sour fast.

    Personally, I have had a few crushes since meeting the boyfriend. One of them I can admit to myself was actual love. But at the end of the day, I know my heart still is with my boyfriend. Humans in general tend to crave that which is forbidden...you want your friend because he is sort of off-limits. And these feelings won't go away until you can pursue him, sadly. You may feel on cloud nine if you get with your friend, but like your current relationship, another one will deteriorate over time too.

    I'd say to give it a little time, but don't get married yet. Ask yourself if the second guy could treat you as well as your fiance and if you could see a decent, somewhat bearable future with him.

     
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    Old 04-22-2009, 05:58 PM   #32
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    You and your partner have been together for a long time, and you are right saying all relationships will lose their excitement eventually. It takes a few years, but couples will reach that point of 'comfort' where you're over the goofy lovey-dovey honeymoon-ish bliss and are more sort of settled and are more like roommates...
    Both you and anonymous mentioned this issue with couples losing "that" feeling and then settling into a more "comfortable/roomate" style relationship. I have to disagree with both of you on this point. Not every couple ends up like this. I've known my husband since 10th grade, we are now 40 years old, married with two kids (one in college) and he STILL gives me that butterfly feeling in my stomach. He gets the same with me after all these years. We are even more in love with each other now then we were when we first started seeing each other. Last year I had a love letter from me to him posted in our local newspaper, and the year before that we had a huge "wedding vow renewal" ceremony and second honeymoon.

    Having said that, I have to say anonymous, that the reason we still feel this way about each other is because our marriage is built on a foundation of true love for one another. It isn't based on the idea of, "He's a good guy and we can have a comfortable relationship". I'm not judging you or coming down on you.

    It wouldn't be fair to you or him to enter a marriage based on anything less than 100% pure "in love" love. Marriage for convenience/comfort isn't going to be satisfying for either one of you, and then if you should have children, it will be that much worse when you realize you guys made the wrong choice and end up getting a divorce.

    You said that he has also lost his spark for you, so why not just sit down with him and have a heart to heart. End this thing on good terms and salvage the friendship. You will both be better off.

    I do wish you the best. Take care.

    Last edited by ozzybug; 04-22-2009 at 06:00 PM.

     
    Old 04-22-2009, 07:19 PM   #33
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Im have to agree with ozzybug, but then again people are different, ozzybug got luckly in love the same for her hubby.
    Congregations ozzybug.

    I can't understand how a person would be engage and love someone else?
    be friends and good dear friends thats fine but to have thoughts of getting married to someone you have doubts with? AND IN lOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE?
    even in a 10 year realtionship a person can change ther mind or have a change of heart at any given time.
    but when you get this close to your wedding and have doubts with No. 1 and Love No.two...this is crazy........now with that said I have been in Love with two women at the same time..its hard decision to make.
    just have to think about it and do what you think is best for you and your No.one...No two should be just that ..>waiting in line.
    or if you decide on No.two..then of course this wedding is over!

    I wish you the best what ever you decide or whom you decide to marry??...I think you will make the right decision...theres always a put off the wedding until your sure ,that don't hurt anyone

     
    Old 04-23-2009, 05:22 PM   #34
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    [QUOTE=Hollaatchaboy;3964769]
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ozzybug View Post
    Both you and anonymous mentioned this issue with couples losing "that" feeling and then settling into a more "comfortable/roomate" style relationship. I have to disagree with both of you on this point. Not every couple ends up like this. I've known my husband since 10th grade, we are now 40 years old, married with two kids (one in college) and he STILL gives me that butterfly feeling in my stomach. He gets the same with me after all these years. We are even more in love with each other now then we were when we first started seeing each other. Last year I had a love letter from me to him posted in our local newspaper, and the year before that we had a huge "wedding vow renewal" ceremony and second honeymoon.
    QUOTE]


    The love or passion takes on a different form IMO. The initial newness and curiosity do leave for any couple I have known or any relationship that I have been in. Comfort changes the mystery I believe. You may still feel that wanting for him after this time but is it really the same as the first 3-6 months?


    It absolutely is holla. I adore him and every time we are intimate it is just as exciting as in the begining. I'm talking both love and passion with my husband and I.

    I'm not saying that nobody settles in and gets comfortable. But, to say that every couple does just isn't so.

    My hubby and I may just be lucky, but whatever it is, I'm thankful for it. I adore him with every ounce of my being.

     
    Old 04-23-2009, 05:27 PM   #35
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    [QUOTE=ozzybug;3965077]
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hollaatchaboy View Post



    It absolutely is holla. I adore him and every time we are intimate it is just as exciting as in the begining. I'm talking both love and passion with my husband and I.

    I'm not saying that nobody settles in and gets comfortable. But, to say that every couple does just isn't so.

    My hubby and I may just be lucky, but whatever it is, I'm thankful for it. I adore him with every ounce of my being.

    I'm sooo happy for you two. I felt that I had that at one time but after she totally did me wrong in the worst way I realized it was not like that afterall. God I hope to find that someday

    Last edited by BCboy; 04-23-2009 at 06:01 PM.

     
    Old 04-23-2009, 05:55 PM   #36
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Take some time off from the relationship. Clearly identify what you want in life - goals (eg.kids), expectations, and the ideal relationship. Remove the new guy from the picture because there will always be new people and infatuations in your life. You need some "me time" to figure things out so you can be fair to both you and your fiance.

    The number of people posting of "friends" who found the love of their loves when already with someone or married to someone is very disappointing. To me that smells of weakness. If you are unhappy with someone, end it based on that. Do not end it based on finding someone else or wait until you find someone else. When you do that, it tells a lot about your true character. Sorry but I am a straight shooter.

    Our society has become grey. We want to explain away our actions and feelings so we can feel good about ourselves. We dont want to take responsibility for anything anymore or to work at things to improve them. But deep down I think we all know what is truly "right."

    I am very very lucky that my boyfriend and I are on the same page when it come to relationships. We have both said that we want to know if the other is unhappy and wants to end it so that it does not drag on till one of us finds someone else. Maybe we are just unique. But I hope not.

     
    Old 04-23-2009, 08:06 PM   #37
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    I have to say I'm guilty of infatuations with other women one in perticular, I know its wrong for me to have sexual thoughts of beautiful women.

    I'm in a wonderful realtionship with a widow woman, and I can't ever hurt her, but I still have thoughts of sexual behavior with this perticular woman she is fun she makes me laugh and feel good, her warm personality is what warms my heart, but the girl I'm in a realtionship does too, so I chose her to be with and love and have compassion with.
    I think all men think about other women if the truth was know but that don't mean there up for infildelity.
    some say if your thinking about it then its the same thing I disagree with that..I'd never cheat on my g/f never.

    We have minds that differ...right?
    maybe thats what this girl has a differ mind? thats crazy I know but think about it?

     
    Old 04-23-2009, 08:15 PM   #38
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    anonymous5678,
    I don't think your a bad person, sometimes people take things wrong in a text, and your right you can't possibly explain in detail what all is up with your realtionship's in a meassage board....maybe you should not have mention that your getting married and your in love with another man...that just don't set to well with some (obviously) and just ask about your realtionship with these perticular men in your life.

    I understand your dillima but I just don't know what to advise you on?
    I'm sure your a sweet kind hearted person.

     
    Old 04-23-2009, 08:15 PM   #39
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    p.s. just saw your most recent post - were you ever passionately iIN love with your fiance? You say you 'lost" that spark. Why can't you get it back?

    I also think it depends on what the "spark" is based on. I think if it's based on deep compatibility, common goals, values and world view, deep and abiding respect and chemistry, it can last.

    There's no guarantee that the "spark" won't fade with someone new, but again, I think it depends on what it's based on and how willing both parties are to work at keeping it alive.
    Hi Larrylou, I just saw the edit to your original post. Yes, there was a time when we were passionately IN love...for the first few years and then again aroun the time we were breaking up/working things out. I am not sure why we couldn't get it back - I imagine that over time we could, but it's hard for me to really picture. I think we are definitely compatible with common goals and world views...those are some of the traits that really draw me to him. I think we are lacking in the chemistry department. I had forgotten what chemistry really felt like until recently - and again I did not go looking for it, it fell into my lap and I was not strong enough to ignore it.

    I agree that there are no guarantees that the spark would not fade with someone new... although I guess I don't believe in guarantees at all right now.

     
    Old 04-23-2009, 08:19 PM   #40
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Thank you chevyman. I appreciate your sentiments in this conversation. Obviously I was somewhat "asking for it" by posting this story - but I HAD to get it out somehow. I couldn't keep it built up inside and I was having a very sad day. I understand the negative comments but I was hoping for some legitimate opinions and perspectives on my situation - which I have gotten thanks to many of you. I appreciate anyone who is willing to offer me any type of guidance at all.

     
    Old 04-24-2009, 01:18 PM   #41
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by anonymous5678 View Post
    How does anything I wrote demonstrate me mocking your 'name title'? I feel as though your post was an attack towards me so I was trying to defend myself. Obviously I know he deserves more than what I'm giving him, but things are much more complicated than I can type on a messageboard. You are only paying attention to the points that you want to believe make me a bad person. Having fallen for someone that I didn't go LOOKING for after having rocky times with my long-time boyfriend, does not define me as a person. As much as you want to believe it does... but I realize that you've been wronged by a girl and you choose to take it on me and whoever else puts them in the position to be attacked. I don't fault you for it if that somehow makes you feel better about your own failed relationship. Again, I thank you for your advice...
    I am sorry if you took it as an attack it wan not meant to be. But to say well it just happened while being engaged no less is not taking responsibility for your actions. Thing don't "just happen" IMO they are chosen. I am paying attention to what you posted that's all. Sure it is more complicated but the core issues remain to what has transpired.

    I never once said you were a bad person in any post period. You took that meaning from what i wrote that's your conclusion not mine. I simply stated what I have observed and lived in situations like this. Many posters stated issues that were related to those I brought up.

    Everyone man or women has been wronged it's the lessons learned from that and the lessons learned from doing wrong that I tried to convey. This is not personal for me and I do not involve personal feelings just observations from the experience. All I was trying to do is bluntly convey what I have witnessed and lived from very similiar situations and the consequences from those. I wish you the best in your situation.

     
    Old 07-27-2009, 08:00 AM   #42
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Hi Anonymous. Been reading the whole thread...I'm in the EXACT same situation...still deciding on what to do...Do you mind if I ask what you ended up deciding?

     
    Old 07-29-2009, 06:38 PM   #43
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    thegatekeeper,
    I am in a VERY similar situation as well (except I'm already married). I am curious to hear your story if you feel like telling it, I am sure I feel very similar to how you feel... Maybe send me a private message? I think there's a way to do that on here.

     
    Old 07-30-2009, 09:42 AM   #44
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by wrkgirl View Post
    thegatekeeper,
    I am in a VERY similar situation as well (except I'm already married). I am curious to hear your story if you feel like telling it, I am sure I feel very similar to how you feel... Maybe send me a private message? I think there's a way to do that on here.
    Wrkgirl,
    I dont mid telling you my story and Ill send you a private message, but do tellnow that youre married, do you regret your decision?

     
    Old 07-30-2009, 12:31 PM   #45
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    Re: Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else.

    I do and I don't. It's a little different for me though because while now there is another guy in the picture, he wasn't there a year ago before I got married. If he was, it may have changed things. I have felt that "comfortable" way with my husband for the past few yrs and only now that I met this new person did it really hit me that I could (and perhaps should) feel more than just content and comfortable with someone. Ugh, it's just complicated!

     
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