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  • A NORMAL breakup?

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    Old 05-06-2009, 01:43 PM   #1
    t0ri111
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    A NORMAL breakup?

    How does the usual breakup tend to go? Do the two never speak again? Do they never give it a second try later on down the road? Does the dumper get over it quicker than the dumpee?

    I don't want my ex to get over me. I want him to speak to me again. But he seems to be doing just fine without me This is week 3 of us not speaking at all...and it seems to be getting harder for me.

     
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    Old 05-06-2009, 02:06 PM   #2
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    It sounds like you want your ex to contact you. Maybe you even want to get back together? He put you through an awful lot...are you sure you want to go back for more?

    I know it's hard because your feelings don't just go away in an instant, no matter how terrible someone is to you. But you have to think about what's good for you, and this guy isn't.

    I don't know if there is a "normal" for a couple who breaks up. I'm going through one now, and we do talk every few days, but we've known each other for 15 years and our families are close, so a complete break is tough. So even though we aren't together, we do talk. No talk about getting back together though...it's been a slow process for us.

     
    Old 05-06-2009, 02:07 PM   #3
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    To me, this is one of the worst things about a breakup. I mean, when you're in a serious relationship with someone, they end up becoming one of your best friends. And as much as it sucks when you break up with that person, I think it only makes things worse when that person refuses to speak to you. I've been there. In fact, my ex-girlfriend decided she was going to start pretending I don't exist anymore. So I said to myself, "Fine, if that's what she wants to do, if that's how she wants to act, I can ignore her just as well as she can ignore me." And that's all I've been doing.

    I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Unfortunately, this is just one of the bad results that can come from dating. Even if a breakup is mutual (which it almost never is), or if you have a "good breakup", it is still really difficult to go back to just being friends with someone. The best thing, really the only thing, is to try to move forward. They say there's a reason the rearview mirror is smaller than the windshield: because you should look forward more than you look back. I know that's got to be very difficult at the moment, but believe me, it will get better for you soon. Hang in there Tori!

     
    Old 05-06-2009, 04:39 PM   #4
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    I don't think there is such a thing as a "normal" break up, each one's different, but generally speaking, if the break up was NOT mutual, and it sounds like yours wasn't, the dumper, especially if it was the man, has already emotionally moved on long before he decided to end the relationship, so it's much easier for him. The dumper usually doesn't see it coming, and of ocurse doesn't want the break up, so it's much harder for that person.

    When something happens that you didn't want to happen, all you can really do is pick yourself up the best you can and move on. Life is so short, it's a shame to waste any of it feeling bad and crying over someone who is long gone and who has moved on and is happy with his life, and maybe even with someone else. Even if you got back together and tried again, uless one of or both of you became totally different people, it would most likely end up the same way it did before.

    I know it can seem so silly, ridiculous, to invest so much energy and emotion into a relationship, one day they are everything to you, the brightest spot in your day, your future, your family, your best friend, your first thought in the morning and your last thought at night, and then the next day they are supposed to be just someone you dated once. Like that Jann Arden song, "How do you cool your lips After a summer’s kiss, How do you rid the sweat After the body bliss, How do you block the sound, Of a voice you’d know anywhere, How do you numb your skin After the warmest touch, How do you slow your blood After the body rush?" Every unwitting, unwilling dumpee in the world has struggled with this. It takes time and a concentrated effort, and sometimes you might never forget, but you can move on and accept the next chapters of your life. After all, what's the alternative? It's important to think of it as a learning experience. What did you do and say that you probably shouldn't have, what kind of garbage did you take from him that you should have put your foot down on, was there a time YOU should have walked away and didn't? etc. etc etc. Learn the lessons, become a better person for having had the experience, and put the rest in the backyard and leave it there.

     
    Old 05-06-2009, 05:30 PM   #5
    t0ri111
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    I figured he had checked out of the relationship emotionally awhile before he ended things, and that's why I'm confused. I don't understand why he came crawling back and said we'd just be on a "break" because he wants to end up with me, and then ended it AGAIN because I got upset with him ONE TIME over something I had every right to be upset about. Why would he do that to me again? Also, when he originally told me in February that he wanted a break, I said we would just end it and not have a break and he BEGGED me to stay with him. Then again, I tried to end things about a month ago, and he AGAIN begged me not to, and told me he'd really try and work on things. ***?

    This is just such a difficult thing to accept, especially with him telling me crap like he "wouldn't mind" if I got pregnant, and that I'm the only one he can see himself marrying, etc, when we were beginning to reconcile our relationship. I really believed him when he told me he is still in love with me, but that cannot be true. He did put me through an awful lot, and I wanted to end things but I never could. I couldn't let go of the hope that things would go back to how they were for the first year and a half of our relationship.

    I hope the next few months fly by because this is seriously miserable. I have been going out, but I don't even have fun half the time. How in the world can he be totally fine, or appear so, and not care that I'm not in his life anymore? We were best friends, it's so hard to cut someone out of your life that has been there for over two years. How can he be okay with it? I'm only cutting him off because I have to, in order to heal. He's doing it because he wants to His myspace today says that he had a ******* blast last night, and I can barely enjoy anything at all.

    Thanks for the replies and listening It helps alot!!!

     
    Old 05-07-2009, 03:34 AM   #6
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    Breakups are no fun, and each one is so different - there are as many different break up experiences as there are people in the world. I think they are truly testing, hard times but out of them can come the most wonderful things. For example, I was so miserable I decided to take a night school cake decorating class to take my mind off things and keep me busy. That led to me selling my cakes in a local coffee house, and now its quite a successful little business! I also threw myself going into the gym - brilliant way of lifting your endorphins, I just kept telling myself 'It's ok to feel like rubbish, but at least I can have a hot body whilst I'm doing it and thats one less thing to feel down about!' I also started life modelling for local art groups - it gave me a huge boost in confidence and is a really good experience - I urge you to do somthing new in your life that is just for YOU - it will put experience and distance between you and the pain and give you something to focus on.

    Hvaing said all that, I have recently got back together with the guy I dated for a year and a half, after 5 months being broken up. I am honestly glad we broke up at that time, as we couldnt have gone on as things were. We were stressed out, lacked direction in life, had alot of 'life' issues to be dealing with, and we just couldnt fit a relationship around that. These last 5 months have been a giant learning curve for both of us - I have started that business, got a more rewarding job, and settled into a new house. He has been doing a counselling degree and joined a new band.

    We both needed time apart to just get ourselves and our own minds together, and have come back to each other with alot more appreciation and respect and with our heads alot more sorted out. Only time will tell how things go, but I am am confident that the break up has been a posiitve experience for me (however bad I felt at the time)

     
    Old 05-07-2009, 05:45 AM   #7
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    It is losing your best friend so that makes it soooo hard. But, it is best to sever ties. Pull it off fast like a band aid. Being in contact only prolongs the agony. At least that was my experience.

    I really wanted to remain friends and continue to talk to my ex b/c he was my best friend for 13 years. But, continuing to speak to him turned out to be just awful for the both of us and it finally had to come to big blows to cut off contact completely. If I had to just cut it off from the beginning of the breakup, it never would have had to come to that.

     
    Old 05-07-2009, 01:18 PM   #8
    t0ri111
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    Thanks for the responses. You guys probably get sick of all these sob stories...but it helps to vent here. I know what I have to do from here on, but I am constantly going over every part of our relationship analyzing what may have happened. I haven't contacted him whatsoever. I wish I could yell at him.

    Today my best friend was talking to my ex's roommate and the roommate told her that my ex doesn't want me anymore. That was really tough to hear.

    Ding, did you two have an amicable breakup?

    Also, I don't understand why he has to be so mean about all of this when he knows it's hurting me SO bad. Like the last time we saw each other, when I ran into him at school, he just walked away while I was trying to talk to him. So I waited for him to come back to finish talking, and again he just talked a little and then blew me off. He can't even give me the decency of speaking one last time and giving me a little closure? He just said, "There's nothing to talk about," and walked away. How can he treat someone he supposedly loved for two years like that, when he knows it's tearing me apart?!!!!

    Last edited by t0ri111; 05-07-2009 at 01:29 PM.

     
    Old 05-08-2009, 02:29 AM   #9
    Ding
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    Tori, it was sort of amicable...in like it wasn't that one of us dumped the other. We both agreed it was time to end. There were no blazing rows, just lots of little issues all came to a head at once. I didn't want to stay friends afterwards, I couldnt cope with it so I cut off all contact for a good few months. I think thats the best thing to do - take time out to be completely away from them. Let all the bitterness and upset die down. Even though the breakup was amicable, I still went through a phase of being very bitter and angry with the situation and wanting to yell.

    I'm sorry for what you're going through - as hard as it is I think that closure can only come from within yourself. Having 'one last chat' never works - it always leaves questions unanswered and wanting to speak to them again, and wondering and hoping. Keep on dealing with one day at a time and putting yourself first. It only hurts you when you are in contact with him. In time, when the anger has died down abit, then perhaps contact will be good for you, but until then I would leave well alone

     
    Old 05-08-2009, 09:03 AM   #10
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    Well, my ex just decided that "no contact" is how we're going to do it for now. We'd been talking but I guess that's not working for him, and really, not for me either. I'm sure this is the best way to go, so I'm not fighting him on it.

    I've known this guy for 15 years and am very close to his family...but it's that way with most breakups, right? Time to move on and see what's around the next corner in life.

     
    Old 05-08-2009, 03:56 PM   #11
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    Yep, no contact is the only way.

    Ahhh I keep giving in to the temptation of looking at my ex's social-networking status'. Today he put on them, "Life is grand," and "is loving life!!!"

    Seriously? He doesn't miss me and is completely happy now? That is so unfathomable to me. He always missed me, even a few weeks ago. And he always told me he loved me up until three weeks ago when he ended things again. Now, his life is totally wonderful without me? After two years? O U C H.

    Do ex's sometimes go on with life never to speak to each other again once the breakup occurs?

    Last edited by t0ri111; 05-08-2009 at 03:58 PM.

     
    Old 05-08-2009, 05:11 PM   #12
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    Re: A NORMAL breakup?

    Don't beat yourself up. It's ok to feel bad for a while, as long as you realize it's not going to be forever. I am giving myself until next week to feel sad, and then it's time for action!

    You know that guy was no good for you, right? I know that you probably think that being with him or talking to him is the only way to ease the pain, but really, it's not. That guy didn't treat you right, and he never will. I was talking to my ex and even spending time at his house, but it wasn't working. Things just weren't right and we both knew it. He did me a big favor by saying that he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Sometimes I need to be pushed, and that was the right push.

    I never talk to my other ex (the one before this one) because I am so glad I'm not seeing him anymore! I can't stand to be around the guy. I had lunch with him a couple of years ago when my now ex and I were fighting, and as soon as I saw him, I knew it was a big mistake. I wanted him to leave as soon as he got there! You will get there as soon as the pain eases up and you remember how badly this guy treated you and how much better off you are without him.

    I talked to my ex only last night, and all was fine. Then suddenly this morning, I get the e-mail ( what a chicken!). So in about 8 hours, he went from wanting me to hang out with him for a bit today, to saying goodbye forever. So who knows what's going through their minds??!!

    Seriously, we both are better off. Allow yourself some grieving time, then move on.

     
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