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TRP29 05-11-2009 05:11 AM

Why do men handle break-ups better?
Why is it that men seem to be able to handle break-ups better than women? How is it that they are able to move on faster and start new relationships? My boyfriend of 5 years started casually dating after being broken up for 3 weeks, while I didn't even want to get out of bed & I was the one who broke up with him... Did he not really care about me/our relationship??

Larrylou'smom 05-11-2009 05:35 AM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
I read a feature article on one of those internet news magazine sites written by a man about why it's not wise to be friends after a break up. One of the reasons was that "the person was lame" so why would you want to be friends with someonewho's lame. I think what this means is, although I don't think all men take break ups better all the time (I know my brother didn't. When his girlfriend broke up with him, she moved on very fast, VERY fast, and two years later he's still a mess over it) but I think the reason why most of them seem to be able to get over it quickly is 1) sex is first with them. They are looking for someone to have sex with and if they fall in love, or even like, hey great, but most of the time, it was mostly about sex for them. 2) they also say women search for the right one to marry, and men tend to marry the girl he happens to be dating when he's finally ready to settle down. Love doesn't seem to be the main thing for them. Women seem to be kind of interchangeable to them. A famous bike racer broke up with a famous female rocker because he said she had baby fever and he "wasn't ready." Two short years later, guess what? He's having a baby with his new girlfriend. And 3) I think generally speaking, men just aren't as sensitive and sentimental as women are. Especially if they maybe cared about you, but weren't really deeply in love with you, they just don't hang onto things. They forget anniversaries and birthdays, they don't keep mementos from their past, they just don't feel things as deeply.

I think a lot of women struggle with the whole "why doesn't it bother him more" thing. Faith Hill's song Cry is all about that. I think it just comes down to just accepting men for who and what they are, and maybe even taking a lesson from them. I think women would be wise to learn how to love like men a little more, and learn how to not get so emotionally invested in someone who can walk away so easily without even a backwards glance, and live in the moment and learn how to fully enjoy whatever good thing is in front of us at that moment instead of dwelling on the past or shoulda woulda coulda's.

emoprairiedog 05-11-2009 06:39 AM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
Being a man I can assure you it was never easy to move on on relationships, and in my experience women had a way faster recovery (even had sex with others while the relationship was breaking). But, I must admit that I think having a girl broke up on us, it's an ego killer. That's why we try to go find another girl immediately. There's this whole "I need to recover my manliness quick" thing. From what I gather from other male friends, it doesn't heal you faster, since it only lasts for a moment, but surely helps recovering the self esteem. Nevertheless, this also happens to women, some girls with low self esteem being dumped will too try to grow it by having the attention of other men (if sex is a means to that, they'll take it).

I guess it's not a gender thing, it's just a matter of who takes the decision to end the relationship and who feels more hurt by it. Having someone giving up on you feels like defeat. And having the courage to end a relationship that we know is doomed it's also hard on us, because you end up being the bad guy in the story.
Some have the chance to have someone around to make it easier to forget, some don't and just seek counseling and company from friends, it all comes down to finding ways to leave the past behind.

BigRed54 05-11-2009 06:39 AM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
Oh, I think they feel it, especially if they are in love. But men are raised to be less emotional, to now show feelings, to be logical. So they have to show their peers that they aren't affected, that so what if she doesn't want to be with me, there are 100 others who do want to be! It does not mean that deep down inside he's not hurting, but he's been trained to hide it.

But Larry's is right that a lot of the time the men we love are not really in love with us so much as just happy to be in a relationship and to be having sex. Women become bonded hormonally and emotionally when they feel love and after having sex. Men don't have this attachment - they're just happy to skate along.

Just remember that you do not know what he's feeling inside; he's hiding it from everyone to save face. So even tho he's out "having fun", he may be crying (figuratively) in his bed every night when he's alone.

Tivo123 05-11-2009 07:06 AM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
This is such an awesome question! It's something I've often wondered as well. But I can tell you in my experience, the guys I've had relationships with were all able to move on a lot faster than I was, even when I was the one who broke up with him. I have therefore reached the conclusion that a lot of guys aren't capable of feeling deep love or commitment the way women do. I definitely acknowledge there are exceptions to that, because somewhere out there has to be random handfuls of guys who are capable of feeling these things, but for the most part, not so much. Why? Because men are from Mars and women are from Venus in every sense of the world.

Many guys are content just finding someone to have sex with on a regular basis instead of looking for a loving partner for life to have children with. While women, from a very young age, are planning their weddings and babies and families, etc. There's a huge disconnect right there. So for those women who are lucky enough to actually find the rare guy who really wants marriage and family and the whole nine yards (and who isn't a complete tool) then she's really, really lucky and should realize how lucky she is to have found him. But that kind of man is so rare to find it's like, what's a single woman who wants it to do? You won't find that guy in a bar or online or something. He is the rarest type of man to find when dating and looking for a potential husband.

shorti 05-12-2009 04:09 AM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
i kind of want to disagree that guys dont have a strong feeling for love and that they just want to find a partner for sex. i think its unfair to generalise. my boyfriend has kept every letter that his exes have written when they were together. he has a whole box full of stuff, of photos, letters etc from his past relationships. its funny because a few months ago he pulled out something that i bought for him like 2 years ago. he read it out to me what i said and it was so embarrassing. i told him to throw it out because i was so embarrassed. i couldnt even remember writing some of that stuff and he said see, this is why its good to keep this stuff. he said he will never throw it out and would even show it to our kids one day lol. he said even if we broke up he would keep it. he has never made fun of or said anything bad about an ex. i think this is a good thing because least i know that if we ever broke up, he wouldnt go off bad mouthing me to others. with sex and stuff, my boyfriend feels a little guilty about it. he wants to be a better person in life and be good to god. hes not a church goer or anything, he used to DJ and party a lot but he has faith and wants to be a good person and try and do the right thing. we havent had sex since new years. im the one thats found that hard but i respect him. we spend every weekend together and i meet up with him on his lunch breaks from work at least once a week most weeks. if marriage is ever spoken about, its usually him who brings it up. i think guys do have emotions just like women. they feel love, jealousy, fear etc like anyone else. i know my dad is a really emotionally guy and i knew he loved my mum deeply even after their divorce.

Tivo123 05-12-2009 05:22 AM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
I never said all, I said a lot of guys and I said many. I even acknowledged there were exceptions. Because I know there are some guys out there with feelings. It's just a lot harder to find those guys because they are much more rare than those who just move on to the next one.

Larrylou'smom 05-12-2009 07:19 AM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
I never said men don't have emotions. Of course they feel love, jealousy, fear, etc. I just said most of them process it in a different way. I think a guy who would gladly be in a romantic relationship that he's not having sex in for 5 months is an exception to the rule in a lot of ways.

The question was, why do break up seem much easier for guys than for women? The first thing I said was, they aren't always easier for men than women, and mentioned my brother. Not all men are cads, just like not all women love shoes and shopping and make up. But to answer the question at hand, It's just been my experience that men more often than not men just don't get as emotionally attached, and they seem to enter relationships for different reasons than women do. Women more often than not go into every relationship they have giving it their all, wondering if this could be "it." Men on the other hand, more often than not, go into SOME relationships simply because they are bored and horny. I know many men who have dated and been with several women but they say they have only been in love once or twice in their life, so obviously they were dating and sleeping with women they did not love. I don't know why this notion always seems to take women by surprise, the idea that a man could actually date her, sleep with her, call her his girlfriend, but not love her, but it does happen.

Break ups are hard, for anyone, especially when you are the one who really didn't want it, but I do think men, more often than not, can be more logical about it, figure it just wasn't meant to be, and feel pretty good about moving onto the next woman.

But I think the bottom line is, no matter why a man breaks up with you, or when you break up with him for what you really believe are good reasons, then it shouldn't really matter how well he takes it. Of course it always makes us feel a little better to believe an ex is out there pining for us, missing us, but once a relationship is over, it's over, and everyone moves on in a different way, and you just need to let it be, accept that how he deals with it is no longer your business, and get to the business of moving on with your own life.

EDC_Light 05-12-2009 08:14 AM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
I can assure you that there are some of us guys who are CRUSHED after a breakup. I am one of them. I am sorry, though, that you are going through what you are. I think it is just "people types" who can move on quicker. Some people, like you and me, will suffer due to the loss of what we had. It sucks! There is little joy in it. But the storms of life pass soon enough. I am still in MY storm, . . . and I know you are too. I hope it passes for you quickly.


Laye 05-12-2009 01:16 PM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
I think men feel the loss. Especially if they loved the woman. They may not show it in the ways women do..or they may act as if they are OK when they are really harboring sadness. I think men have been geared at an early age to act tough and be the stronger person even if they don't feel it. But I've known men in break-up situations to be completely torn up and lonely and sad and all of it. I've known men to keep and pictures and tokens. Men feel a lot. But for the most part we don't always see it. So, just because he goes out with another woman that doesn't mean he's not missing you or missing what he once had. Men do miss women when they are not around. Absolutely!

There is an old, old movie with Albert Brooks called "Modern Romance" and you'll see a man missing his girl. It's a great film. Check it out.

BCboy 05-12-2009 01:39 PM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
I think that men can and do take breakups hard especially when they actually love the women. It took me a year and a half to get over the loss of a women that I truely loved with my soul I still miss her sometimes to this day.

There have been other women I haved dated, been in a relationships with and when the breakup occured I really didn't care. Many men have that "one" women that was everything and when she decides to leave our outlook on women in general changes.

Men don't love every women they date, romance, sleep with or even in a relationship with. We give it out sparingly because many womens mindsets today are the BBD syndrome. Many men feel that why get attached or allow ourselves to be when after a couple months, years, later she will just trade me up anyway. Then all that invested time and emotions are a waste.

I agree with the poster that talks about the ego crushing that goes into it for men that truely love someone that has left.

Larrylou'smom 05-12-2009 02:22 PM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
So Holla, just to be clear, you're saying that men have relationships with women that they don't love, string these women along and then dump them unceremoniously when they get tired of pretending to love them, all because somewhere down the line, a woman messed him around and made him be a jerk to all other women?

Redneon82 05-12-2009 02:30 PM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
Larry, I do believe this happens a lot. I personally know men who get into relationships with women solely so they don't have to be alone. I also personally dated a guy who flat out told me he didn't love me and didn't see a future with me. His exact words were "it's convenient". He got sex and companionship without having to go looking for it. I, of course, had fallen in love with this guy before he made this wonderful revelation, a year and a half into the relationship! I'm sure he hardly even noticed when I left him, except of course when he got horny and had to find sex somewhere, but at least he didn't do me the ultimate insult of calling me when he wanted some.

And not all women want to "trade up". I don't need a man to support me financially, so if I'm in a relationship with a guy, it's because I care about him and want to be with him.

And even though the guy I just split with didn't treat me well in the end and I needed to get away from him, it's still hard. I do miss the "him" I had when he was being good to me, and I know it will take some time to get over. It's just a matter of giving yourself permission to grieve, then taking active steps to help yourself over it. I have no idea how he's coping since we no longer talk, but I'm guessing he's having as much female companionship as he can get so he won't be lonely.

BCboy 05-12-2009 02:40 PM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3982535]So Holla, just to be clear, you're saying that men have relationships with women that they don't love, string these women along and then dump them unceremoniously when they get tired of pretending to love them, all because somewhere down the line, a woman messed him around and made him be a jerk to all other women?[/QUOTE]

No I am saying a man can date, sleep with and be in a boyfriend /girlfriend relationship and not love them. I think women can also. Many women claim to love men and later on he finds out it was BS. These men don't pretend to love them, that's different, they just are with them.

Women are the ones that pretend to love a man for years and then when someone richer or better looking comes along the men are out with the bathwater. Thats why many men today don't get too attached. They have seen this done to their fathers, brothers, uncles, friends ect..

It's not about what "a women" did to him but his realization on what relationships,monogomy, BBD's and "love" really is.

Larrylou'smom 05-12-2009 02:56 PM

Re: Why do men handle break-ups better?
Women are the ones that pretend to love a man for years and then when someone richer or better looking comes along the men are out with the bathwater. Thats why many men today don't get too attached. They have seen this done to their fathers, brothers, uncles, friends ect..


This may be true in some cases, but I'm sure it's very cold comfort to T29 and people like her. That's all I'm saying. But it is the truth.

T29, as hard as it is to have to face, it does seem the likelihood is, that your ex moved on so fast and is doing so well because he simply wasn't as emotionally invested in the relationship as you were and didn't love you like you thought he did. I know, it's a pain like no other. But it has happened to all of us. Like I said, the best thing is to just accept that how he deals with it is no longer any of your business and the thing to do now is to just get on with your own life.

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