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  • Are open marriages best?

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    Old 05-20-2009, 01:36 PM   #1
    smyrnaboy
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    Are open marriages best?

    I'm mid-30s, successful and love my wife of nearly a decade. We are both accomplished professionals. We have two small kids. However, we have an active physical relationship, one where we are open about our attraction to others. Our love and loyalty is secure. Is this not the ultimate commitment? And you avoid the repressed urges and feelings if you can occasionally flirt and have a physical encounter with another? As long as you get permission, are safe and don't fall in love, is this not the most natural thing to do?

     
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    Old 05-20-2009, 02:36 PM   #2
    BCboy
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by smyrnaboy View Post
    I'm mid-30s, successful and love my wife of nearly a decade. We are both accomplished professionals. We have two small kids. However, we have an active physical relationship, one where we are open about our attraction to others. Our love and loyalty is secure. Is this not the ultimate commitment? And you avoid the repressed urges and feelings if you can occasionally flirt and have a physical encounter with another? As long as you get permission, are safe and don't fall in love, is this not the most natural thing to do?

    It may be best for your marriage but I dont' know. I know personally that would NEVER happen with me. Devotion and sharing yourself with eachother is special to me. If every other guy is hitting it is it really a marriage?

    This may work for you and if so great but there are just so many things that can happen to derail this. Being open about attraction can happen with exclusive marriages I believe while not acting on it. It may help clear the air IDK. I just can't imagine my wife/girlfriend having sex with multiple other men! Could not do it!

    The problem arrises when you look realistically and see that this invites intimacy with others which may invite love outside your relationship nevermind jealousy or possesiveness. IMO being open/honest about desires and needs to one partner while fulfilling those same things for her is less risky and in the end more rewarding IMO.

    Last edited by BCboy; 05-20-2009 at 02:38 PM.

     
    Old 05-20-2009, 06:54 PM   #3
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    if that's what BOTH parties AGREE on...

     
    Old 05-20-2009, 09:52 PM   #4
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    Well, my question is, if you think it's natural and healthy, and your wife agrees with you and all is peachy keen, then why are you asking? Who are you trying to convince?

     
    Old 05-20-2009, 10:24 PM   #5
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    Curious about the same thing as LLM....
    Smyrna are you in an open relationship and happy with it?
    or are you thinking about changing your relat to an open one?
    After reading your post twice I'm not sure what you're trying to get across.

    Last edited by nobodyknows; 05-20-2009 at 10:33 PM.

     
    Old 05-21-2009, 01:54 AM   #6
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    Saw a lot of that stuff in the 70s - usually one wanted it more than the other. Very few of them are still together and there were some serious meltdowns. I think that you are setting out a case to convince your SO - forget it! If you push it ahead, one of two things will happen: He/she will hate it, get resentful and leave you, or: he/she will love it, fall in love with somebody else and leave you. PS, it is funny - you rarely get a wife asking this question....Sera.

     
    Old 05-21-2009, 02:59 AM   #7
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    That's funny Sera...
    you know oddly enough I have heard of people cheating in open relat's! (male acquaintance of mine, don't feel like going into it...although i will if prodded, lol)
    I learned in a college course it doesn't cut down on cheating...i don't know where this prof got his source material from so take it with a grain of salt, but it was a 200 level course on the psych of human relat's...a long time ago. maybe 300 level? he had a whole theory behind why i don't feel like typing out but he said studies show the same level of going-behind-the-back-without-telling in open and swinging relat's as in tradit marriage. he was using this to prove monogamy is normal...of course this could be used to prove cheating is normal!!
    sorry ya'll i'm sleepy and funning around

     
    Old 05-21-2009, 03:51 AM   #8
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    Normally this would not work even if both agreed.
    IMO there are two reasons this comes up during a marrige, ones not finished sowing oats/explortation sexually with others, or just simply not happy in there realtionship...even tho a person can still love another person but that love is NOT the love one needs in a marrige committment.
    When two people have a true committment then this type of thing is never thought upon.

    maybe this would work out if the two were NOT married??
    but married no way.

    Last edited by chevyman; 05-21-2009 at 03:57 AM.

     
    Old 05-21-2009, 04:42 AM   #9
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    I'm friends with a couple that has an open marriage. It works for them. They have decided on certain rules, one of which is that everything is discussed ahead of time before anything happens with anyone else. They have said there were times when they didn't necessarily ask first, but it was already assumed, in which case it was still not a big deal in that case. What can I say? It works for them. But it doesn't work for everyone, that's a fact.

    They have said that because so many marriages end up in divorce due to cheating, they have removed that element by opening their marriage. While I can understand the concept, I still have trouble understanding how anyone would want to share their husband or wife with another person. I've always believed that the whole point of getting married is because you have made your choice of a partner and forsaking all others, etc. Maybe I'm just old fashioned but I personally think it's weird.

    But I do think that if both people are fine with it and it works for them, then have at it. However, if only one person is interested and the other not so much, then the one who wants to do it just has to accept that. Not much else you can say about it.

     
    Old 05-21-2009, 05:10 AM   #10
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    Ex kind of wanted this when she got away with another guy (she fell in love, even when she doesn't make up her mind about it). What can I say. Sex without love is not the same. And at some time I will meet someone that won't like that, and telling my ex that I won't be seeing her again will be hard. So I decided to not agree with that.

     
    Old 05-21-2009, 05:54 AM   #11
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    I doubt this is the best kind of marriage.

    What do you do to prevent your attraction to someone else from turning into passion and love?

    What if you find (or if your wife finds) someone else who is much "better" in bed? Do you think you would be able to keep your "successful" marriage going on?

    And what about the children? How would they react if they saw mom and dad with someone else (I know this is quite improbable, but it might happen) or if they learnt about it through someone else?

    I think this is like playing with fire, in most cases.

     
    Old 05-21-2009, 05:59 AM   #12
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    Re: Are open marriages best?

    There is nothing better than sex with someone that you love. Why would you want to have sex with some random person when you have someone who loves you to have sex with whenever you want? It is like a poor substitute for the real thing so I don't really understand the whole concept.

     
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