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  • Getting over boyfriend's ex

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    Old 06-10-2009, 02:08 AM   #1
    Ptenez's Avatar
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    Getting over boyfriend's ex

    I have known my boyfriend for about 3 years. For the first two years we had a casual relationship that eventually grew into something different. My boyfriend's ex is his best friend and as much as i've tried to accept their friendship i can't seem to find peace with it. A little less than a year ago he moved to a different country and i am currently living with him here. His ex stayed in the states. Back when he was living in the states they were always spending time with each other. Every time my boyfriend and i would go out together or spend a night together, she always called. And I always knew it was her because he had a special ringtone for her. They went out for dinners, went to movies, worked together, went grocery shopping together, etc. He would even go have brunch with her not me on the weekends after we spent a night together. She had a very old sick cat that he was helping her to take care of. The cat needed a constant medical attention and he was there providing it. If it wasn't a brunch, movie or dinner with her, it would be the cat issue. Needless to say, i was never invited to anything. Later i found out that he was also going on trips with her, while he told me that he was going with his guy friends or family. He always said that they are just friends nothing more. At some point i insisted on meeting her. We met for brunch twice. She was nice, but she definitely tried to show how important she is in his life. Also before my boyfriend left the country, we had a dinner with his friends. She and her girlfriends were there too. When my boyfriend and I walked into the restaurant, one of her girlfriends, who was sitting next to her, got up and moved to a different seat and my ex's girlfriend showed my boyfriend to come sit next to her, which he did. I was left standing behind and had to sit at the other end of the table. I felt so much pain back then. I still do. There have been so many occasions similar to this one that have caused me a lot of pain and discomfort. I can't seem to forget or forgive him and it affects our relationship.
    His ex is now married - her husband is the first guy she met after she dated my boyfriend - she met him two weeks after she and i have been introduced to each other, got engaged and married within 6 months. My boyfriend and I live in a different country now, but he keeps a constant contact her via emails and phone. He left all his stuff in the US with her, she has his personal files, all his mail is being forwarded to her, etc. And it bothers. We have fights over it almost every week. He never talks to her in front of me. A few times he called her from home, he would go to another room, close the door and talk to her. I made a big deal out of it. And he started talking to her outside of home, when i am not around. It bothered me too. I said - you can talk to your guy friends in private, but when you talk to her - i need to be present. Yesterday, i found out that he talked to her again, but deleted the call log in his phone, so i wouldn't know. And i flipped. I know that there is no romantic relationship going on between the two of them, but what bothers me is - why can't he be open about it?
    He said i made him feel uncomfortable and every time i hear her name i flip and that's why he feels like he needs to communicate with her w/out me knowing. What i feel is that if he didn't talk to her behind closed doors, if his friendship didn't make me feel misplaced in my relationship, i would feel more comfortable about her. It's hard to describe the feeling that i have - i am not jealous, i feel misplaced. At some point, they both made me feel that i am not as important and close to him as she is and it hurts very much. This whole issue brings the worst out of me - like checking his phone- i am very ashamed of it, but it looks like that's the only way to get to the truth. I don't know how to deal with this issue, i no longer know what is reasonable and what is not. I don't want to tell him to completely cut her out, but i think it would help if i were part of their friendship. Am I just paranoid and unreasonable?

    Last edited by Ptenez; 06-10-2009 at 02:13 AM.

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    Old 06-10-2009, 05:06 AM   #2
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    Re: Getting over boyfriend's ex

    Best thing I can tell you to do is get the book Not Just Friends. Then have him read it. I know you said there is no romantic relationship but there sure sounds like there is an emotional one.
    You have every right to ask him to keep his conversations with her out in the open. When he hides them even while in the same house that is a huge red flag and disrespects you.
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    Old 06-10-2009, 06:14 AM   #3
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    Re: Getting over boyfriend's ex

    Originally Posted by Ptenez View Post
    It's hard to describe the feeling that i have - i am not jealous, i feel misplaced. At some point, they both made me feel that i am not as important and close to him as she is
    Because you're not. If you were paramount to him, he'd care about how you feel about this issue. He would have known that his place is beside you, not to leave you standing there looking dumb while he went to go sit beside her. He would respect how you feel about him still being so close to a woman he used to be inside of. But not only does he not even try to understand your feelings, he doesn't care. Even with her married and in another country she's still more important to him than you are. Your "flipping out" is not a clue to him that maybe his relationship with her is inappropriate, it's his cue to go underground with it and to hide and be dishonest and secretive. He doesn't get it, and doesn't want to.

    I think Blastoff is right. He's having an emotional affair with her. He knows how you feel about it and doesn't care, and is not about to change his behavior. So you have two choices - accept that this is the best you are ever going to get out of him and be satisfied with it, or dump him and find a man whose heart doesn't already belong to someone else.

    Old 06-10-2009, 06:45 AM   #4
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    Re: Getting over boyfriend's ex

    You have given him many chances to step up and treat you like the main person in his life, and he has balked every time. This must tell you something - you will have a 3-person marriage. I agree with LLM, you either settle for runner-up status or you find somebody who values you as the most important person in his life. You will not get that from this man. Sera.

    Old 06-10-2009, 07:33 AM   #5
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    Re: Getting over boyfriend's ex

    Personally I would never allow to be disrespected in such a manner...Neither have let go and the only reason they are the so called "best friends" is because if they need a back up they have it there..Both are insecure that is the issue.....Do you really want to spend your life w/ someone that you have to keep checking on as if he was your child and your trying to find out all that he is doing,.I personally would rather have someone I could trust and not have to question....

    The relationship is doomed to fail anyways because the first sign she says come back to me your history...So, first step is talk to her yourself w/ out him around, be pleasant and respectful but explain how you are feeling and that it is not normal for a Ex to be that big of a part of someones life, and how would she feel if turned around and you was the one he was putting on a pedestal and she sat in the dark....The worst that can happen is you two will break up which is going to happen anyways and your going to be standing there going "wow, all the signs were there but I did nothing about it" so in the end it is going to hurt so what do you have to lose.....You can also call her husband and ask how he feels about it....You never know she could be sneaking behind his back as well.....

    Old 06-10-2009, 08:00 AM   #6
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    Re: Getting over boyfriend's ex

    I would have turned and walked out of the restaurant and gotten a cab or walked home. My ex-H had an emotional affair with someone he claimed was his "best friend." No way. If it has to be kept secret; if he can't talk to her in front of you and she can't treat you like a special person in his life; if he can't make sure that she knows that you are to be respected, then it's an emotional connection. I agree with the others - if she snaps her fingers and says, "I need you," he's there in a heartbeat. And you're out in the cold. Nagging won't help - it only makes him go underground, sneak and lie. You need to decide what you will put up with and then live with it.

    Old 06-10-2009, 09:57 AM   #7
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    Re: Getting over boyfriend's ex

    I think at this point you need to decide if him treating you like this is OK and just accept it or realize this is so totally messed up and get the heck out of this guys life! This has gone on way too long to tell him to stop now...I mean you know he won't and that his relationship with her is going to go on forever or until her husband puts a stop to it. She is his number 1! Do you want to stay on as number 2? No pun intended...HAHA! My husband tried this mess with me too and I put a stop to it very early on in our relationship. There was no way I was going to put up with some love triangle! Unfortunately the stupid things he did caused lasting scares!
    *I rest my case!*
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