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  • is friend's husband flirting?

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    Old 06-15-2009, 12:08 PM   #1
    CKL
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    is friend's husband flirting?

    I think my friend's husband is flirting with me but not sure if I'm overthinking it (I'm also married)...we've always gotten along well and had good conversations, and I've sometimes wondered if he was flirting but it was never enough to really worry about. Well recently we were talking and he kind of steered it in a very personal/intimate direction...asking me a lot of personal questions...he even at one point talked about if he divorced his wife he would do this and that which really took me aback (it was hypothetical but still). He also emailed me recently. He does some body launguage things too like touching my arm, leaning in, etc. BUT at the same time he has invited my husband and I out for dinner?! If he wanted an affair or something he wouldn't do that would he? So please let me know if you think he is looking for more or if I'm crazy...

     
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    Old 06-15-2009, 12:12 PM   #2
    JohnQ2495
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    Not sure what youre asking, cause it seems like your interested in him, or that you really want him to be interested in you...

     
    Old 06-15-2009, 06:20 PM   #3
    Mileena42
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    It does sound like you are asking because you want him to be interested. I hope this isn't the case. You didn't really say or explain some of the personal things he said.....I am assuming they were sexual in nature. Have you ever known this man to cheat on your friend or has your friend ever mentioned she thought he might be?

    All I can really tell you either way is this: NOTHING is more devastating than finding out your husband has cheated with a "friend"......if you value this woman at all, keep your distance from her husband. Don't accept invitations from him, or answer emails unless you know his wife knows he is emailing and there are no secrets.

    Have you told your husband you think he is flirting? Does your husband know that he emails you? If not, then you are already hiding things and that is a recipe for hurt.

    Stay away from him. This could only hurt all four of you.
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    Last edited by Mileena42; 06-15-2009 at 06:22 PM.

     
    Old 06-16-2009, 11:49 AM   #4
    Abigail121
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    Sounds like dangerous waters. I've been there, and naively thought the guy was just being nice, until he asked me to do things to him he couldn't get his wife to do. Stay AWAY from him if you value your self-respect. The thrill of the ride is not worth the crash at the end.

     
    Old 06-16-2009, 02:01 PM   #5
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    I did not get the impression that the poster wanted the guy to be interested in her! She didn't indicate that at all.

    And from what you have posted, Macy, it's impossible to tell if it's flirting or just the dynamic of the long-term relationship you guys have. You need to provide more details about what he said and what was in the e-mail. I agree that you shouldn't keep this from your husband, unless he's the jealous, fly off the handle type who would take action. Then you need some evidence first.

    The very first thing you should have done, and should do if the situation arises again, is to make it clear to him that you don't want to hear things that he might do if he divorces his wife. You should just say something like, "Hey, Carol's a good friend of mine and if you're going to leave her, I'm sure going to support her!" Or something, whatever fits in. If you even suspect that he's flirting, you need to make sure he understands that you are not participating. No need to be rude, but I'm sure you can find a way to say something, even in a seemingly joking manner, that will make it clear to him that you're not interested and that you sure hope he is only joking about leaving your friend.

     
    Old 06-17-2009, 07:36 AM   #6
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    I kind of feel like you got attacked for a simple question from the first few post I read. I know they were just trying to help, but there was no evidence that you wanted him to be interested. I mean, you just needed to know if you should avoid this person, or if you are over analyzing things. I mean you don't want to cause hurt feelings unnecessarily. I know. I just went through a similar situation where I wasn't sure if an innocent hug, was something more and I was asking everybody, if what this person did meant they felt something more. But the best advice I can give you is this: Go with your gut. It's usually never wrong. If you pick up on a vibe, it's usually because the vibe is being sent out. I may be wrong, but I've always been told that the gut is never wrong.

    Also, even if you were asking because a part of you was flattered that he might be, don't beat yourself up. We are only human. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes us feel good to think we are still attractive to others, and I have the feeling that in your heart of hearts, you would never do anything to hurt your husband, or your friend.

    Hope this helps. Just didn't want you to feel like a bad person because you asked a simple question and to know that you are completely normal for wanting to know.

     
    Old 06-17-2009, 12:07 PM   #7
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    Thanks all for your thoughts, and BigRed and fibrocrafter I really appreciate what you said about my not indicating that I was interested or wanted him to be interested...I didn't think I had indicated that either and was surprised by the earlier posts.

    fibro you are exactly right...I just want to know if I should avoid him or if everything's fine and I'm overanalyzing. I do feel a vibe, though, and the thing that made me start to really wonder is when the vibe seemed to escalate a bit. I do have to admit the attention is flattering, but I really have no intention of acting on anything and doubt he does either. Thank you for not thinking I'm a bad person for asking!

    BigRed to answer your question the conversation was just about our pasts and things we have in common, nothing sexual or anything. The email was just chitchat but he said something like "I like spending time with you." So like I said, could go either way, right? But good point that by not saying something when something inappropriate comes up then I'm participating.

    Thanks again...and would still appreciate any more thoughts!

     
    Old 06-18-2009, 06:21 AM   #8
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    From your last post, so far this sounds innocent on his part. It's possible that something is missing currently in his relationship that he is finding with you - things that for some reason he doesn't feel comfortable sharing with his wife. That's simple friendship when it's discussions on things that would mean nothing in the scheme of things. I'm not sure I'm saying it right, but basically nothing intimate is being discussed, nothing that would hurt his wife or your husband and nothing that you couldn't repeat in talking with your husband.

    I think that at this point you should keep an eye on how things progress. Maybe tell him that you enjoy talking to him and his wife, also, and you value both their friendships. This may get your point across to him that you think of them as a couple but won't embarrass you in any way.

    This may simply develop into a good friendship. I have males who are simply friends, who I talk with and share information with but would never even kiss, much less go any farther. The main thing is to make sure that anything that is discussed is stuff that could be said to anyone else. You may want to avoid any situations wherein he starts complaining about his wife to you, or asking for advice in the personal realm. If that occurs, you can simply let him know nicely that you're not comfortable discussing her as she is your friend and you would feel like you had to repeat the conversation to her. Otherwise, I don't see anything untoward at this point, from your posts.

     
    Old 06-18-2009, 09:14 AM   #9
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    sounds like to me he is flriting in a non-shalon way...a nice flirt witout making you mad at him, but I would think he has intentions of wanting to take you to bed, I could be all wrong but saying the things he says to you and you both being married... I would only guess that his intentions are to cheat on his wife...with you.

    and no I don't think you sounded interested in him/you was just asking a question and wanted opinons....I suggest never be around him alone!

    Last edited by chevyman; 06-18-2009 at 09:17 AM.

     
    Old 06-21-2009, 05:24 PM   #10
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    Thanks BigRed and Chevy - two very different perspectives! I think maybe you're both right which is why it's hard and confusing. There's nothing blatantly wrong going on, but there could be an ulterior motive. I'll take both of your advice...at this point just see how it progresses and try not to be alone with him. I guess hanging out with them as a couple is OK?

     
    Old 06-21-2009, 09:55 PM   #11
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    here's what i think, he wants a one nighter, this is not about "love" not about "romance" just lust, simple...lol...just think like a man for a few minutes, I think it's obvious.

     
    Old 06-22-2009, 05:35 PM   #12
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    Would a guy really go to all that trouble for a one-nighter? Sometimes I wish I could think like a man!

     
    Old 06-27-2009, 07:50 AM   #13
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    LOL oh Macy...." all that trouble" ? the guys flirts, the girl either reponds, or she doesn't..if she does flirt back, then chances are good, not much trouble really.

     
    Old 06-28-2009, 05:38 AM   #14
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    I think he's flirting, but it's 'safe' flirting. So that if you tell him to back off, he can look all innocent and go 'who, me?' It's not innocent. If you aren't interested, you should try to shut him down or call him on it asap (in a friendly way, it it's possible) to preserve the appearance that it was just harmless.

    btw, I was also surprised at the people who assumed you wanted him to be, lol. I didn't get that either.

    Flirting is a tricky business. Some people are so obvious you could think it's a joke, others are so subtle you can miss it altogether. But regardless of his style, he needs positive responses in order to continue. Don't give it to him. Don't let your uncertainty (or being flattered by it) appear to be approval.

     
    Old 06-30-2009, 02:40 PM   #15
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    Re: is friend's husband flirting?

    if the guy was looking for a one-nighter, I would hope he'd be smart enough to look OUTSIDE his immediate circle of friends that he shares with his wife....
    although that could be expecting a lot......depending on his level of intelligence.


    I doubt he's looking for a one-nighter

     
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