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    Old 06-16-2009, 06:56 AM   #1
    randy22
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    A male friend too close to my gf

    I have been dating my girlfriend for 4 years; living together for the past two. Over the past year she has become closer and closer with a guy from her office. The guy is going through a divorce and has been very depressed. At first I thought my girlfriend was just trying to be a good friend, but as time went on this guy was spending more and more time with my girlfriend.

    Last month it was almost 4-5 days a week that this guy either came over our house for dinner or she would stay late at the office with him. I had mentioned a few times this past year that his time spent at our place was becoming a little too much but she would say he is lonely and going through a rough divorce I accepted it.

    After spending 8 nights in a row with him for dinner two weeks ago I confronted my girlfriend explaining that this was getting completely out of hand. Questioning their relationship; I asked if she had feelings for him. She admitted both her and him have feeling for each others (they have talked about it in length), however she stated she loves me more and wants to be with me in the long term. She claimed she is not physically cheating on me (which I believe).

    Since this confrontation; he does not come over my house in fear/shame, but they continue to spend time at work and after work when I am not around.

    In a few weeks this guy is leaving the country for Japan for at least 18 months. My girlfriend claims that once he leaves, everything should get better, and that she wants to continue to spend time with him before he leaves the country.

    What am I to do? Is this relationship still worth it? Do I wait and see what happens or is this a clear sign that we are not meant for each other?

     
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    Old 06-16-2009, 09:23 AM   #2
    Mary83
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    Your GF is certainly having her cake and eating it too, isn't she? How nice for her to have 2 boyfriends until one of them moves away, then she will magically "go back to normal" and have only 1 boyfriend and her normal life for a while. What a lucky girl to have such a great situation...(are you sensing the sarcasm?)

    What she is doing is absolutely unacceptable, and sorry to say it, but you're allowing her to do it. She has openly admitted that she is having an emotional affair. This guy came over to your house for dinner every night? That's not right. She sure has a lot of guts to be able to pull that stuff right in front of your face. My guess is it's because she knows she can get away with it.

    So what if she wants to be with YOU in the long run? Why would you allow her to have you and him at the same time? What do you think that does for your self esteem and your relationship?

    I'm not putting you down, I'm just saying that you absolutely should not accept it. You should not be her second choice (when he's gone, she's all yours). She is YOUR gf, and you deserve her respect, not him. And I don't think it'll end when he moves. She will continue to call/text/email him and the emotional affair will continue. If it were me, she'd have to cut off all contact with him if I was going to stay with her. And to be honest, chances are, she'll sneak around and do it.

    Do you really want to be with someone who isn't 100% committed to YOU and you alone? If she really loved you and wanted to be with only you, she would not carry such a public emotional affair.

     
    Old 06-16-2009, 11:44 AM   #3
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    I have to agree with Mary, and I have to wonder if you would still be "the one she wants long term" if he wasn't leaving for 18 months. And does "long-term" mean until he gets back and they can pick up where they left off? She is making a fool of you because you trust her and she is abusing that trust. Say it is 100% innocent- and there is nothing going on between them, would you still want to be with someone who spends so much extra time with someone else instead of you?

    I think you should move on. Take some time for yourself then look for someone who will make you #1 in her life. Not the runner-up.

     
    Old 06-16-2009, 02:31 PM   #4
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    Dear Mary and Abigail,

    Thank you for your response.

    I wish there was something I could say in her defense; to prove you are both wrong. But the truth is, I think you are right.

    I have felt for the past 6 weeks like my girlfriend has had two boyfriends. Tonight I have to work late and she was happy that she could then have dinner with her friend (as he won't come over anymore).

    Most likely this guy is never coming back from Japan, but who knows. If he was not moving next month I would most likely have to end this relationship as this situation is unacceptable. But he is moving next month.

    Do I give my girlfriend a chance and see what happens after he leaves; or should I end things now (as they have reached bottom)? I do hope things get back on track. For over three years we have had an excellent and healthy relationship. This is our first real obstacle.

    And if you do think we should stay together for now to see what happens, do I really state "you must cut off all contact with him"? Although they have feelings for each, this was her close friend at work for the past few years. I do want her to be committed to me, but I'm not going to bully it.

    By the way; this is so very hard for me to accept. It has been a very difficult past month.

     
    Old 06-16-2009, 04:22 PM   #5
    Mary83
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    This is a hard one. Of course you don't want to walk away from an otherwise happy, healthy, long-term relationship. At the same time, I'm a big believer that any kind of cheating (emotional or physical) is usually due to something lacking in the relationship. Does she maybe feel that you don't meet her emotional needs? Is she in need of an ego boost? Does she have self esteem issues? I worry that even if he moves and you stay with her, it will just happen again. The fact is that she has already crossed the boundary, right in front of your face, and doesn't seem to have any issues with it. She obviously doesn't feel there is anything wrong with it and she feels no guilt, and there IS something wrong with that.

    At the same time, maybe it is possible (slim chance, but possibly), that she really just started out friends with this guy and just couldn't help but become close to him. Maybe your relationship isn't lacking anything but she still felt a connection to this other guy. But, unfortunately, I'm going to have to say the first is more likely.

    I know you don't want to "control" her, but you have every right to demand respect from her, and she is completely disrespecting you right now. I really feel sorry for you because I can't imagine just sitting there and letting someone I love basically date another person. That has to be tearing you up inside.

    I also want to add that you said she told you she loves you MORE. So is that saying she is in love with this other guy? If so, in my opinion, there's no turning back from that. In my eyes, the relationship would've been over the second she told you that. It's one thing to have a crush, but to be in love with someone else is much more serious.

    Last edited by Mary83; 06-16-2009 at 04:24 PM.

     
    Old 06-16-2009, 04:51 PM   #6
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    Absolutely she is and has taken advantage of you. I guess you will have to decide what to do but if it were me I would move on. She seems to think she had/has every right to entertain other men right under your nose which is not a sign of commitment or respect. Allowing her do all this is also nuts and none of this is normal for a committed couple. And not only that she is going to do it until he leaves for where ever. Apparently not wanting to hurt his feelings while walking all over yours. She will do this again. Good luck but you could do better.

     
    Old 06-16-2009, 06:45 PM   #7
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mary83 View Post
    ...At the same time, maybe it is possible (slim chance, but possibly), that she really just started out friends with this guy and just couldn't help but become close to him. Maybe your relationship isn't lacking anything but she still felt a connection to this other guy.
    I tend to think this is what happened. And although I'm usually one of the first to join the chorus of "dump him/her" to various people who post on here about their various problems, I have to say that your issue is different. It does seem like your relationship was stronger all along before all of this happened with the other guy. And if he really is leaving and you think he won't be back, then maybe things will be ok.

    I'm just thinking that perhaps she is just one of these naive girls who went into this friendship with this guy completely innocently and didn't have any intentions of hurting you. But the more time they spent together, the more she started enjoying his company. And he is in a vulnerable position right now because he is going through a divorce, so she is most likely just a rebound person at this point in time.

    Of course you have to decide what to do. It's easy for me to say all this because I'm not the one going through it. If she really hurt your feelings a lot over this, then you should do what you feel is best. But if you really love her and you want to stay with her, then that's ok, too. Regardless, you should talk to her about it and let her know she hurt you with all of this and let her know that you won't put up with it if it happens again.

     
    Old 06-16-2009, 06:59 PM   #8
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    Coming in late on this one but I have to agree. My goodness, this girl has cheek. She has been very very honest with you, to her credit I guess to some degree, but she has pretty much come out and admitted that she is having an emotional affair. To me, and this is just me personally and how I tend to look at the matter, but I think an emotional affair is really not all that different than a sexual affair, in fact in many cases it's worse. I mean, would you be ok with her having sex with this guy under your own roof, or at the office, and being glad that you are working late so she can have sex with him, and say "well, it's not like it will go on forever, she loves me more, and once he's gone things will go back to normal." ? Me personally, I really don't that much of a difference. I'm pretty black and white that way. You either want to be with me or you don't. If there is someone else you would rather spend time with than being alone with me, then you need to go pursue that and see what that comes to, and let me go. I don't care to hear giggy happiness in your voice at the thought of my working late so you can go have dinner with your infatuation. I think the right one would never dream of saying "I love you MORE, but I love him too and I want to spend as much time as I can with him before he leaves, and then I can be yours exclusively again, ok? (and let's just hope I don't ever meet someone ELSE who makes me feel the way Mr. Domo Arigato does. If I do, maybe you'll luck out and he'll be on his way to Peru)" I mean, I look at it this way - if she really loved you MORE, why is it YOU being put on the back burner, being the one who has to set all the boundaries (he would still be parking his feet under your table and eating your food while romancing your woman if you hadn't made a stink about it) and you being asked to make the big compromises? If she really loved you MORE, why isn't she telling him "I care about you but I've made a commitment to him and I have to respect that and I can't expect him to wait around while I'm your girlfriend until you leave." ?

    But I think it's a personal, individual thing. Some people can get past an affair, they wait it out and just make the very best of their life and eventually the affair runs its course and ends and then the marriage/relationship gets back on track, and some people are fine with that. Some people feel that as long as it's done discreetly, an affair is just part of dealing with married life and it's to be tolerated. Some other people can't tolerate an affair at all and would be gone, at least as long as the affair was going on. What you need to do is decide what kind of person you are. Do you love her so much that you are willing to wait for her to come around and do whatever she needs to do to get it out of her system and come around to loving you again because you feel it's just something she has to do, or do you feel walked on, disrespected, and cuckolded? Don't stand for her treating you however she wants to out of fear, fear of losing her, fear of never meeting anyone else, etc. You have to decide who you are, what you want, and how you want to be treated, and what love means to you, and then stick to it.

     
    Old 06-16-2009, 07:41 PM   #9
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    Don't stand for her treating you however she wants to out of fear, fear of losing her, fear of never meeting anyone else, etc.
    I agree with that, too. If any of the above is the only reason why you'd stay and not because you truly want to be with her, then you gotta move on. But if you want to stay with her - not for any of the reasons listed above - then that's fine. It's your call. As long as your reasons for staying are because you genuinely love her and want to be with her for sure. Do you see the difference?

     
    Old 06-16-2009, 10:50 PM   #10
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    Ask yourself a very simple question: If the tables were turned and you had a coworker that you were providing emotional support every night for weeks on end, do you think she would be understanding?

    If a man was hanging out late at work and after work for weeks at a time with a woman that was emotionally vulnerable from a divorce most people would assume he was cheating. Your gf would not stand for it I bet, and I bet it would not even get to that point before she said something. In this situation because she is a woman she can fall back on stereotypes of the nurturing/supportive female, and that she is doing nothing wrong. You fell for it and allowed it to happen. From now on tell her its him or you, even if the guy is leaving for some time.

     
    Old 06-17-2009, 07:28 AM   #11
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    I agree with the other posters.

    Even if this guy goes away for ever, I guess you'd probably feel like the burned child, if you see what I mean. In other words, you might feel insecure with her, fearing it might happen again with another guy, and so on. Or that the relationship might go on through the Internet, what do we know? Unless your girlfriend has the unrecognizable vocation of a therapist or counsellor, I don't think she is doing justice to you. I think you need someone who is fully committed to you, or at least as much as you are committed to her. You don't want a relationship in which you are prone to experience suspicion, do you? I know it is a real pain to realize that these four years have somehow been wasted, but how would it feel to you to be and remain in a relationship, in which the main connection has become weak? Again, it is your choice. Think a little about the future and see if you would like to take risks. That you have been living together for two years might pose some legal problems, however. She might consider herself to be your "wife", so before breaking up or whatever, get information for just in case about the possible outcomes of your "divorce".

     
    Old 06-17-2009, 02:26 PM   #12
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    This is so very hard for me to digest.

    A few months ago, we were so very happy. A few weeks ago, things were weird, and now it seems most people agree that this is an unacceptable situation. Things have turned so quickly.

    I have confronted my girlfriend about the concept of an 'emotional affair'. That I am unsure what I should do and that she needs to commit to me. Sadly her response was a "I don't what to do". She has agreed to limit spending late nights having dinner with her coworker, but is that enough? I wish she would say "The other guy is meaningless compared to you and I will commit to you to show my love." But that is not the case. She is obviously conflicted on what to do too.

    We are not fighting over this (it's a very civil conversation), and in fact the other 90% of our time together, when we 'ignore the elephant in the room', we are happy and fine.

    Is there anything I can do to make this relationship right again? The feedback is clear, and I understand that she is taking advantage of me.

    I want give our relationship a chance to set thing right, but with how she is responding is it possible? I don't want to be the guy who gets taken advantage of; but I don't want to throw away 4 great years.

     
    Old 06-17-2009, 02:29 PM   #13
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    maybe you can find yourself a "friend" to have dinner with when she's not around......when she's out with her friend.....

    see how she likes it when the shoe is on the other foot.....

     
    Old 06-17-2009, 04:20 PM   #14
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    I think trust has been violated. Even is she were to suddenly snap out of this, is your relationship strong enough and are you strong enough to not wonder if and when this is going to happen again?

    Nah. Like Rose said, you need to get yourself a lady friend to spend those lonely evenings with. Your girlfriend should be having dinner with you, not some coworker she admittedly has feelings for. Sure, you can demand she make a choice and hope she picks you, but I think the writing is on the wall that the opportunity was there for her to connect with someone else, and she did.

    Just be thankful it's only four years and not half your life. You don't share children together. Get out there and find the lady who will make you her priority, not cute male friends going through a divorce

     
    Old 06-17-2009, 05:08 PM   #15
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    Re: A male friend too close to my gf

    Wow, what a horrible situation. She is still unsure about what to do when he is about to move away? Thats not a good sign in my opinion. I have had to make a very tough choice about ending a long relationship, and i know it is soul destroying. But, im sorry to say that in my books she'd be gone :S

     
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