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    Old 06-23-2009, 07:48 PM   #1
    MOM23ANGELS
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    loveless marriage anyone?

    i posted a few months ago about my sister's marriage and the fact that it's fallen apart. apparently, she and her husband have decided to stay together (pretty much as roommates) for the sake of the kids. bullsh** in my opinion as he has ALOT to lose by divorcing but i won't go there. ok, so it's not my place to get in the way of their decision but i am asking if anyone out there is currently living the same scenario. it is just so hard for me to believe that this can actually "work". i use that term very loosely, ofcourse.

    so he has been carrying on with a girlfriend for about 2 years and he comes and goes as he pleases. (including spending nights away from home) i almost got into a fight with my sis tonight because she keeps coming up with excuses for him. when i try to get her to understand that it is not normal for a guy to leave his home at noon and stay out until the next morning she is just like...."yeah, but he is staying with his friend so and so because they are going to blah, blah, blah and he doesn't want to drive home........ all the time. i'm like are you kidding me?

    WHY ARE YOU MAKING EXCUSES???????? (ok, mini scream and now back to your regularly scheduled programming)

    anyway, my question is, does anyone have a similar situation and does it totally ruin the kids or what?

     
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    Old 06-23-2009, 08:25 PM   #2
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: loveless marriage anyone?

    I have never lived in this situation myself, but my parents did. As far as I know, I have no proof that there was not another woman involved as far as my father was concerned, but a very very strange thing happened once that I still remember that really makes me wonder whether my father not only had another woman but perhaps had another family. I don't want to believe it, and as I said I have no real proof, just strange things.

    Anyway, as an adult child of growing up in this type of situation, I really don't recommend it. Staying together for the sake of the kids puts such a heavy burden on the kids. How unfair to have your kids see in the emptiness in your eyes, in your shortness, irritability, unhappiness, as a daily reminder that their parents are so unhappy because of them, that they are the reason their parents can't be free and happy. And please don't kid yourself. "We hide it from the kids, we make sure they never see it" is total BS. They see, feel, hear and smell it seeping out of every pore.

    But even so, if this is really what your sister truly wants, for the sake of the kids, I would be inclined to say "well, if that's what she really wants" IF she accepted the true situation as it is. But the fact that she STILL is in so much denial about him being with another woman and that he doesn't love her, choosing instead to believe he's out with friends when everyone else KNOWS he's with his woman, I worry for her mental stability. She seems so fragile, and having her depend so wholly on a man who is so undependable and who could take off at any moment, I don't know. I'm so sorry, I don't envy your position. Your sister is in a precarious state, and I don't really know what you can do to help her. She made the decision to put all her eggs in her husband's basket, and then he dropped the basket and broke all the eggs, and now she has literally nothing at all except the empty worthless hope that it's all a dream and he will love her again someday, when the truth is, if her husband's woman has that much of a hold on him, she could say "leave her NOW or I'm gone!!! Prove you love me and divorce her NOW!!" and then what little is left of your sister's world is shattered. I wish I had some advice on how to help her build a life that doesn't center around him and a way for her to start standing on her own two feet, but she has to want it first, and it seems the only thing she really wants to do is keep her useless hope of him re-committing to her alive.

    But the worst part about this is by living in such deep seated denial and the daily beating her self esteem is taking by clinging to a man who doesn't love or want her will cause her serious psychological damage. She could become totallay dysfunctional, she doesn't sound very functional at all now, she could become seriously neurotic, develop something like OCD, become a hoarder, or some other dysfunction that will cause her to be a worry and a burden to her kids. I think the greatest gift you can give your children is emotionally healthy, happy, fully functioning, strong parents. Even if the only way they can be all this is to separate. Two separate parents who are strong and happy and healthy are so much better than two parents under the same roof who daily tear each other apart and destroy each other piece by piece, and a home full of resentment, sickness and dysfunction and frustration, a home they don't want to come home to, a home they are ashamed or unwelcome to bring potentional mates to, instead of a base where they can return to as adults and reconnect with their roots. It will be an albatros they will forever try to escape rather than an anchor that keeps them securely and happily rooted to a place of safety and security and a warm place they can be proud to say is where they came from. Anything that keeps your sister from being able to give this to her kids, including staying in a sham marriage, is not doing her kids any favors. I think she's kidding herself. She's not doing this for the kids. She's doing this because she doesn't have the guts or the strength to stand up for herself and leave. She's staying for herself, not for her kids, because she thinks that's what's easiest, but in the long run, it's what's most dangerous for her and her kids. I think all you can do is just hope one day she sees that, and until then, support her any way you can. Encourage her to pursue hobbies, take a few courses at the local community college, offer to sit with her kids while she goes out with friends or goes to a book discussion group or perhaps takes on a part time job. Encourage her to pursue interests and independence as much as you can without making her feel like it's something she MUST do. Wheeww. Good luck and God bless to you and your sister. This is a hard one.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 06-23-2009 at 08:34 PM.

     
    Old 06-23-2009, 08:40 PM   #3
    MOM23ANGELS
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    Re: loveless marriage anyone?

    thanks for your post larrylou's mom. i agree with you that she is staying because she is afraid to go. she has been with this man for 18 years and married for 12 of them. they got together young and in my opinion a big mistake. you know, as much as i am frustrated with her, she has started to stick up for herself and during a recent argument they had, she really made me proud. he always has a way to make things her fault but she put her foot down and stood up for herself and with no tears (BIG OBSTACLE TO OVERCOME FOR HER) she told him this was his fault and that she would not take any blame for it. she is at peace for now with her decision to stay as she has his family on her side. but i guess baby steps are the way to do it.

    i think as time goes by, she will come around. (i hope and pray)

     
    Old 06-23-2009, 08:46 PM   #4
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    Re: loveless marriage anyone?

    Well good for her! You can also positively reinforce her when she does something strong and self-protecting like that and make it clear how proud of her you are for choosing to be an equal in the relationship. Yes, baby steps. Good luck.

     
    Old 06-24-2009, 06:11 AM   #5
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    Re: loveless marriage anyone?

    My parents also lived this same type of marriage. They thought they were so smooth & the kids had no idea they hated eachother. They were the perfect happy couple in our eyes (so they thought). They had no idea that in my prayers evey night I would ask that they just get divorced. I thought & blamed myself for years that if it were not for me, then my Mom could be happy. I can remember as far back as 3rd grade having those feelings. They divorced 15 years later. It ruined my mother in every aspect of her life. She was abusive to my brothers & myself. She took her anger out on us physically & mentally. My dad was not around for her to "blow" on him. He had too many girlfriends to worry about & take care of to be home with his kids & take care of them. I never really thought about it, but I just realized that I do have anger and issues with my mother & father both because the decided to "stay together until the kids were out of the house". That is the worst reason to stay together IMO! It is a crock of **** & just a cop out! Not a good idea. Layyrlou's mom said it perfectly "they see, feel ,hear and smell it seeping out of every pore".
    How old are the kids? Do you feel like they may be having issues at home? You might want to keep an eye on them and maybe just be there for them if they need someone they can talk to and trust. I would not fight with your sister over this though. You can point out the obvious, but let's face it girls....leaving is a hard step to take. I am having to face the music for myself and my daughter & I am not sure what I will find behind door #2. So I can see where it might just be easier to "stay". But easier is allways SELFISH!.We just can't & don't see it that way until it is way to late.
    Hang in there & be strong for your sister & the kids.
    K~
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    ......and that's all I have to say about that.......

     
    Old 06-24-2009, 09:08 AM   #6
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    Re: loveless marriage anyone?

    Yes I knew of a couple that were doing that and even going to the lengths of sleeping in separate rooms in the week when they'd be up before the children, but then supposedly sharing a room at the weekend so that if their children came running in they'd see them together and think everything was fine.

    Clearly, people who stay together "for the children" are just making convenient scapegoats of their own weakness and gutlessness at dealing with their situation properly. It really winds me up!

    It wrecks the chlidren, gives them a false model of how couples interact however much they try and be "normal" and "civil" around them. Unfortunately, people keeping up such charades and public facades tend not to listen to any sensible advice that they are given.

     
    Old 06-24-2009, 07:08 PM   #7
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    Re: loveless marriage anyone?

    her children are very close to her and don't really care whether their dad is around or not. he is not home very often, afterall. although, in his defense, he does work (a lot) in order to afford the house they purchased 2 years ago. he always joked that it was "cheaper to keep her" when he heard of friends splitting up and i really believe that this is the only reason he is staying. i also think he is feeling some guilt when it comes to the kids. his eldest child is old enough to understand some of the behavior and does question his mom on occasion. the youngest is a toddler and doesn't understand any of it.

     
    Old 06-25-2009, 12:59 PM   #8
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    Re: loveless marriage anyone?

    I'm kind of in the same postion. I've told my husband I want a divorce and that I'm not in love with him anymore. We have a T-Shirt business and house and kids together. I want to leave, but don't know how to leave with out losing everything I have together with him. I can't run the bussiness without him. It's a business he started for me. My kids are interested in taking the business on, but are still to young. I'm starting my own home based business for myself. So how do you separate without losing everything you have? Also I'm not happy and I want to be happy again. Any advise I'll take.

    Thanks

     
    Old 06-25-2009, 01:10 PM   #9
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    Re: loveless marriage anyone?

    WOW! What did he say when you told him?How long have you been together & how old are your kids?

    I am not sure how to go about dealing with the buisness end of the deal. Is there anyway you salvage your mnarriage, have you done everything you could do to save it? A lady from church once told me that the reason her & her husband were married for over 70 years was because they were lucky enough that they never felt like giving everything up at the same time. They both had times that they wanted out, but the other was allways strong enough to hold them together through the rough patches in life. I have allways loved that. It makes a lot of sence & gives me hope in my own marriage that is not AT ALL what I have thought it to be over the last 7 of the 13 years we have been married. Life just sucks sometimes HUH?!
    I wish I could be of more help to you. All I can say is hang in there and think every step you through to the end.
    Hugs to you!
    K~
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    ......and that's all I have to say about that.......

     
    Old 06-25-2009, 03:53 PM   #10
    Motherof3boyz
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    Re: loveless marriage anyone?

    It hurt him when I told him, because he says he still loves me. The problem is I've known for a long time that I married him for the wrong reason. I was young and looking for a way out of my mom house. I met him and just everything would fall into place, and it didn't. We've together 10 years. Our kids 9, 7,and 5 yrs old.

    He is also verable absive and controling with the thing that I can and can't do. I can't even have friends, because evenualy he drives them away. I've tried to leave him 2 time already and just had no way of supporting myself and my kids. That why I'm starting this home based business for myself so I can hopeful get enough money to leave him one day.

    Thanks. hugs to you too

     
    Old 06-26-2009, 09:18 AM   #11
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    Re: loveless marriage anyone?

    Sometimes it is not even about love. It sounds like it would be impossible to feel anything in a home of verbal abuse and control. You probably have had to numb yourself to take the pain. Talk to a lawyer before you do anything. Your husband will probably make a divorce very ugly and messy, so protect yourself if you go in that direction. He needs professional help, but you need support now, and he may never change. Talk to a counselor for yourself and get support. You and your kids are worth more than this.

     
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