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    Old 07-13-2009, 10:52 AM   #1
    joshi01
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    wife unhappy and wants to leave

    Hi Everyone, I’m hoping someone can help me. Just yesterday my wife said she has been unhappy for a long time and be better off on her own. We have been married for 5 years. She has two miscarriages since January, most recent being last month. I'm not perfect either, she tells me our communication sucks...which it does and I'm not much of a talker. When we get into a fight she likes to talk about it but I say nothing and hope it will go away. She also said I’m not emotional towards her. We don't hold hands or kiss each other in the morning or at night. We have a 3 year old son and I don’t want this to fall apart. She has left the house (for 5 days) and wants some time to her self. What can I do to fix this. We have talked about going for marriage counseling.

     
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    Old 07-13-2009, 11:20 AM   #2
    calmbloke
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    That's probably a good route to start with, and it shows willingness on your part. It's good that you've realised some of your own shortcomings or natural incompatibilities here. That maybe gives you something that you can work on. Certainly burying your head in the sand about fights isn't going to achieve anything - this woman never knows how you really feel so it creates the impression that anything you say in a fight is your sole opinion, and it probably isn't.

     
    Old 07-13-2009, 11:48 AM   #3
    joshi01
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    thank you...i can't stop thinking about her and so many things are going in my head. Is she cheating on me (she has siad no). She always texting to a cowoker (girl) but i never seen the conversation and she won't let me see it. I don't know how she can walk away from our son.

     
    Old 07-13-2009, 11:50 AM   #4
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by joshi01 View Post
    thank you...i can't stop thinking about her and so many things are going in my head. Is she cheating on me (she has siad no). She always texting to a cowoker (girl) but i never seen the conversation and she won't let me see it. I don't know how she can walk away from our son.
    Oh, did she leave the child with you? This is probably very serious.

     
    Old 07-13-2009, 11:55 AM   #5
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    start by holding hands, kissing and talking to her.....

     
    Old 07-13-2009, 12:17 PM   #6
    joshi01
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    yes, she left me and my son. She said she needed a break from me...she will be back home on Friday. I spoke to her 3 times today and she said she loves me and wants to work on this. She said she is tired of always trying to get me to communicate and I don't show any emotions.

    Last edited by joshi01; 07-13-2009 at 12:21 PM.

     
    Old 07-13-2009, 12:31 PM   #7
    pendulum
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    That you don't show emotions doesn't mean that you have no emotions. Otherwise, you wouldn't be posting here.

    Yes, I think you should make an effort to communicate better. It may be harder at the beginning. Maybe if you got more information on women's world, you'd have more material to keep a conversation going on, if that is the real issue.

     
    Old 07-13-2009, 12:55 PM   #8
    Tivo123
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    I can totally relate to what your wife is going through because I dated a guy like you who never communicated with me about his feelings, wouldn't talk through our disagreements to resolution and was the least affectionate person ever. It drove me insane and I wanted to pull my hair out! You need to change these behaviors or else I wouldn't blame your wife for wanting out.

    Listen, it's not that hard to talk through a disagreement. Instead of running away with your tail between your legs, sit down with her and say, Ok, here's the problem and this is my side, let's talk about your side and then let's work through it. It's not rocket science! It's two people who have committed to each other working through an issue. That's what normal people do when there's a problem. They don't go running away from it hoping it will go away. Why do you have such an avoidance problem? I think you should start going to a conselor on your own to figure out why you are the way that you are because whether it's a problem in this marriage or if you get divorced it will still be a problem in every future relationship that you have until you fix it.

    As for the not being affectionate thing, why not? Don't you love her? Don't you want to show her how much you love her by hugging her and cuddling and holding your hand? If not then why not? That's a totally normal human response to loving someone, wanting to keep them close to you and being affectionate. Were you maybe not hugged enough as a child or something? Did your mom treat you coldly like you weren't important? Judging by all of these issues you have, you must have had a really bad childhood.

    But what you need to understand is that it's in the past and it doesn't matter anymore how you were raised. What matters is what kind of adult you want to be and furthermore what kind of husband you want to be to your wife. Do you want to be a coward who won't face problems head on or do you want to be a man of strong character and determination who will actually work through your marital problems? Do you want to be the kind of husband who starves his wife of all intimacy therefore making her think you don't love her and don't find her attractive or worth being loved? Or do you want your wife to know and understand and be sure of your love based not only on how you speak to her and how you treat her but also your non verbal clues like the little hugs and kisses that all normal couples share with each other?

    You have choices here and if you make the right choices then your marriage should work out. But if you keep being the guy you are now then don't be surprised if she bails for real due to all of your issues.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 05:10 AM   #9
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    Thank you tivo123...i don't know why I'm like this. I want to change for her and for my self. She said she's so unhappy and resents me so much that she hates coming home. We argue a lot about small things and I figured this is normal. I didn't realize she was this unhappy. She will be coming home on Friday. I started to write a letter to let her know how I feel and that I want us to work out. Please tell me what I can do put a smile on her face when she comes home. We know we need to marriage counseling and she has agreed to it. I know it's my fault for not being there for her when she needed me, during her two miscarriages. I love her and I should be hugging her and kissing her. I guess my father was not like this with my mother and this is where I was heading. I don't know how to get through the rest of the week, all I can do is think about her. I'm just glad I have my son. Why would she leave me and my son....is that normal?

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 06:46 AM   #10
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    Yes, I think leaving you in such a situation is normal. Sometimes you just really can't take it anymore and you need to go away. You seem to be doing it everytime by ignoring the problems and retreating into yourself. You needed a wake up call and this apparently has been one.

    It's great that she's coming home and that she's willing to work on the realtionship. Just because she left doesn't mean she has an affair and I think you can safely trust her on this. It's also great you're prepared to do counselling and I really think you guys should do it. I wish you the best of luck in working things through.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 10:07 AM   #11
    joshi01
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    my fear is that the friend she is staying with will brain washer as she went through the same thing with her boyfriend and tell my wife to leave now before it's too late. How do i start to be more romantic with her. Do i have flowers when she comes home? I don't want her to think I'm trying too hard. I also wrote her a letter which I want to give her when she comes home. Is this too much for her?

    Last edited by joshi01; 07-14-2009 at 10:15 AM.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 10:09 AM   #12
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    Take her out, if she is not too tired. I think this is better than flowers.

    But make a habit out of this (i.e. taking her out somewhere).

    Last edited by pendulum; 07-14-2009 at 10:10 AM.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 10:13 AM   #13
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    You've been married to your wife 5 years and you're asking a bunch of complete strangers what she would like? Do you see where this is a problem? You're her husband so you should know what she likes and what she doesn't like, what she thinks is too much and what she thinks is nice. None of us knows her so we can only guess. You've lived with her and been married to her a long time, what do YOU think she would like? Do you really not know the answer to that? I think that's a big reason why she wants to leave.

    This is your chance to show her that you actually do care about who she is, what she thinks, what she likes, what she doesn't like, etc. You must know something about something that she likes after such a long time. I think you need to look back at what you did in the beginning and how you convinced her to marry you to figure out how to get that back. We can't help you with that because you were there and we weren't. Start getting to know her again and stop treating her like furniture. It's time to remember why you married her in the first place and show her how much she means to you and how much you love her. And do it in a way that she would like to have that shown to her.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 10:43 AM   #14
    joshi01
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    I know what she likes but I don't want to overwhelm her just in one day. I like to take her out and show her that I care about her. I have to find someone to watch our son...that's the problem. I feel like calling her just to see how she's doing. Will this be a mistake?

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 10:47 AM   #15
    pendulum
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    Re: wife unhappy and wants to leave

    Well, I don't know, but I don't think I would call. However, I would call if she doesn't come up on Friday. In order to know what happened.

    Yes, find someone to look after your son, but if noone is available, you go out with him, too. Just walking in a park or along a beautiful street may do the trick.

     
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