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    Old 07-14-2009, 04:37 AM   #1
    Sally Morkey
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    My boyfriend and anger

    I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now and things are going great. recently we moved in together for a while while his parents where away for 4 months (im 22, he's 21). Ive always noticed he gets irritated easily but while we where living together i was there when he got angry. I was down stairs and he was up stairs on the computer, the internet was running slow. I heard him start swearing and some banging so i went up to see what was wrong. He looked ****** off and angry but i remembered what he'd told me on a previous ocassion that when he gets "frusterated" as he calls it that i should go to him and let him know i love him. so i went up the stairs even with him yelling for me to leave him alone. i asked him what was wrong and he said the internet was running slow then started swearing at the modem and hittinng it against the wall. Not content with that he ripped it from the wall and smashed it to the floor, repetedly. Before sitting on his chair in a huff. i went to comfprt him and he promptly burst into tears and started saying he was sorry. I know he loves me but i wonder weather if i'd been in the way if he would have hurt me by mistake? This isnt the only time he's been 'frusterated' but its the biggest outburst ive seen from him. His father left when he was born and his mum has been with this guy ever since. from what he's told me the guy used to beat his mum when he got angry and used to hurt my partner on occassion to. i think his is a learnt behaviour and he doesnt really know any other way to express his anger. When i ask him about it he says that ever guy gets "frusterated" and punches walls and things. But i worry that it wont get any better. My mum tells me i try to hard to pasify him and make him feel ok. I dont know, does anyone have similar stories? or know of a way i can help him to express his anger in a better way? thanks

     
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    Old 07-14-2009, 05:10 AM   #2
    calmbloke
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    Re: My boyfriend and anger

    Unless he gets help, it won't get any better. RUN! He needs to learn two important things:
    1) That blowup up over stupid things is about as helpful to your wellbeing as keeping it all in.
    2) Modems don't run at a higher speed in response to being hit. They also go slower than you were complaining about when they're ripped out of the wall.

    Don't pussyfoot around. Talk to him about getting some help and perspective on things. If he's not prepared to do that, leave him, because it won't improve and he might hurt you.

    (Does he also know that major sites in the US were subject to a large DDoS attack recently, which caused many sites to run slowly? Smacking the modem into oblivion didn't achieve anything.)

    Last edited by calmbloke; 07-14-2009 at 05:11 AM.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 05:14 AM   #3
    Sally Morkey
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    Re: My boyfriend and anger

    he he he yeah i did try to explain the modem issue to him lol

    do you think though that prehaps im over reacting and that its like he says, that people do just get angry and guys tend to hit walls and things?

    Last edited by Sally Morkey; 07-14-2009 at 05:14 AM.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 05:30 AM   #4
    Tivo123
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    Re: My boyfriend and anger

    It's totally NOT normal for a guy to punch the wall when he gets angry. The only reason why he said that to you is because he thinks you're naive enough to believe him and because he is trying to justify what he did. This guy is really bad news. Today it's the modem and the computer, tomorrow it could be your face.

    Guys with anger problems will only get worse and it will only escalate if they first don't admit they have a very serious problem and second don't get some major help for it. He is in complete denial of his problem by telling you it's normal that all guys do it. That is totally and completely false! Don't you believe him!

    Listen, you must be very inexperienced and young to put up with this kind of thing, but I'm telling you now that if you stay with this guy, his violence will escalate and you will be hurt or killed at some point. It's inevitable with a guy who refuses to acknowledge he has a problem and won't get help for it. There's nothing you can do to make him well because he has to be the one to realize he has a problem and he has to want to get help.

    Don't waste your time trying to save this guy. I've spent most of my dating years trying to save guys from various issues they were having only to end up with the short end of the stick and it was to my own detriment anyway. It was a complete waste of time. Tell him flat out that if he has an outburst like that again you're done with him and that you know it's not normal for normal guys to punch the wall when they get angry.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 05:40 AM   #5
    Sally Morkey
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    Re: My boyfriend and anger

    I dont know, that seems kind of harsh, he's the sweetest guy ive ever known (excpet when he's angry) and i know he'd never hurt me on purpose. I think if i can understand more about how he's feeling then i will be able to better respond to his outburst and help him see they do no good and help him to curve his "frustration" on other things...

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 05:49 AM   #6
    Tivo123
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    Re: My boyfriend and anger

    Being frustrated is one thing, he's not showing frustration he is showing anger. There is a huge difference between the two! Frustrated is like, ok well that sucks and I'm really annoyed but whatever. But angry is ripping the modem out of the wall and smashing it and insisting that punching the wall is normal behavior.

    He is feeding you a line and you're buying it. You need to seriously wake up and see what's happening here. He's lying to you about his anger management issues. Boys who grow up seeing their moms get beat up and who also get beat up by the father figure in the home always end up with serious emotional damage that makes them think that kind of behavior is ok and acceptable. He is already proving that to you with this line about punching the wall. He thinks it's normal when in fact it's completely abnormal. That's just the tip of the iceberg. How many other abnormal reactions to things is he going to try to pass off to you as being due to his "frustration" when in fact it's clear to everyone that he's actually just an angry guy?

    There's just something really weird about this guy. It's not normal.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 06:02 AM   #7
    jana83
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    Re: My boyfriend and anger

    Your boyfriend sounds like me and I'm a girl! I am an incurable choleric, if I hit my foot against the couch, I kick the couch and yell at it too (recently I've pregressed to yelling/cursing only). It's the way I am. I used to smash glasses and hurt myself by hitting the wall or the counter etc. I had a lot of problems with anger management, but I've gotten better at it.

    Just because I hit inanimate objects doesn't mean I'd ever try hitting my boyfriend or anyone else. I have the necessary self-control. Actually, the thought doesn't even cross my mind. And my anger is directed at things or at myself. Just because you hit walls doesn't mean you'll hit your parnter next.

    I know such an outburst is very hard to watch and I wouldn't advise you to get in the middle of it, although if you can get his attention and if you can keep really calm, you might be able to break his rage and help him release tension (by crying or deep breathing for example). However it's a good idea to get involved and help soothe him later. Also, I know that I personally feel ashamed afterwards when I have an outbreak in front of my boyfriend and I can see he's scared (not of me hitting him, but of my violent behavior and emotions).

    You really shouldn't have to be his buffer always though and he does need to learn how to control his anger a little better. Once he has kids, he should definitely not be doing this - ever. Why don't you guys enroll in a yoga or meditation class? It could help him learn how to deal with anger better. I know it did help me.

    Or if he's the type at all, maybe he should take martial arts classes. Marital arts are about discipline and you get rid of a lot of excess energy and aggression. I did ninjutsu and it helped me no end.

    This may sound silly, but take a look at your nutrition as well. Some people have a reaction against all the chemicals we're ingesting (like monosodium glutamate, aspartame, etc.) and one reaction to these might be aggression/anxiety etc. Try eating healthier, less processed food. If he drinks alcohol, it would be a good idea to cut down.

    Above all, find an activity you enjoy and where you can get physically active - that way a lot of tension will be worked out of his system without him even noticing.

    Just a note about age: I am now 25 and I have mostly stopped having rages. I get one very occasionally and they're nothing like they used to be. When I was 21, I had more. If you work at it, you can grow out of such behavior.

    Last edited by jana83; 07-14-2009 at 06:04 AM. Reason: spelling

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 06:10 AM   #8
    Sally Morkey
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    Re: My boyfriend and anger

    Thankyou, im not sure he will take to the yoga (being a young male ) but all the sugestions are great. I may sugest he trys a try of martial arts, tho ill need to word it carefully if he thinks im trying to "fix" him he proberbly wont like that idea very much and start saying that i dont love him...men!

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 06:11 AM   #9
    jana83
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    Re: My boyfriend and anger

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tivo123 View Post
    Boys who grow up seeing their moms get beat up and who also get beat up by the father figure in the home always end up with serious emotional damage that makes them think that kind of behavior is ok and acceptable. He is already proving that to you with this line about punching the wall. He thinks it's normal when in fact it's completely abnormal.
    I'm not so sure he thinks it's normal behavior, since he feels remose and guilt later. I'm pretty sure he knows this is not healthy behavior, but he just doesn't have the knowledge and tools to quit - yet.

    I didn't grow up in an abusive home, my parents didn't even fight a lot and nobody hit anybody (I only got a very few spankings when I was little and they were deserved) and I still had/have anger management issues. I am also very much aware of my behavior not being normal and I'm working on it.

    So if he's at all willing to work on this, you can safely give him a chance and if things get better, great. If not, however, you should consider leaving him. Even if things don't escalate, living with someone who is unwilling to work towards becoming a better person is not a very good situation to be in.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 06:21 AM   #10
    jana83
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    Re: My boyfriend and anger

    About his fear that you don't love him if you suggest an approach to his problem...that's really a matter of putting things. If you tell him that you love him so much you're trying to help him and that his outbursts scare you, though you know he'd never hurt you, because you know how much he loves you, but that you want him to be a happier person and you're in this together. He doesn't have to be alone in this, you'll always support him and you'll work it through together. Etc. to that avail.

    It's basically the way my boyfriend talked to me about my rages, always accepting me for who I am and saying he's there for me, he loves me, but letting me know he'd be much happier if I'd be prepared to deal with this problem.

    I wish you good luck! Maybe it would help if you go along with him and both of you take up martial arts. Or another idea, since he may not be into yoga (being a young male though I must say my boyfriend was also not too excitedm, but willing to try it and he became really enthusiastic about yoga), you might try and find a tao of love workshop or course. It also teaches you to control your energy flow and it is a form of meditation, but for the purpose of enhancing your sexual experience so that might appeal to him much more.

     
    Old 07-14-2009, 06:26 AM   #11
    Sally Morkey
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    Re: My boyfriend and anger

    lol! yes i think THAT would appeal to him more. thankyou
    Its nice to know that people think it is possible to work through anger issues. They are just so new to me, no one in my family is angry or easily irritated.

    Last edited by Sally Morkey; 07-14-2009 at 06:27 AM.

     
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