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    Old 07-23-2009, 01:26 PM   #1
    ebrena
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    Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    So sorry this is long, but I really really could use some perception on this life I am living. I just turned 55 and I am still young at heart, but I ache all over and my head is scrambled because I married this angry man. Hubby is coming up 62;dump truck contractor in Canada; this is his 2nd marriage and we have been married 5 years and together 12 years. He has 4 boy all grown only 2 come around with their wives and family the other 2 are twenty somethings and too cool.

    This is not my first marriage; I have a 37 year old married son with two small children-who I rarely see-there excuse-my husband. My siblings don't come over because -of my husband. When him and I are alone together he talks so big-man like everyone ticks him off or their a loser-every one but him. He is like a calm before a storm, he can be so nice and engaging and we will be talking and having laughs. BAM out of no where I may have missed something he said or ansered incorrectly (by this I mean gave my own opinion on something that did not agree with his). He drinks a ton of beer, he can go through a 30 pack of beer in 4 days and more if a weekend is involded. He is not a fun drinker-I quit drinking when I met him because we could not drink together-I don't drink at all anymore & don't miss it. When he has his boys over on the weekends they hang out in the driveway for hours popping off on beer after another-I don't hang out there with them, I have projects I work on.

    When they leave he will come in the house demanding his dinner or picking at me with his petty insults. I do not antagonize a boozer I won't waste my energy. I will make him something to eat, I won't say a word & head to my room (it's not a padded cell-I have my computer, phone, TV all my hobbies-I love my room). A few weeks ago I was in my room working on my laptop and just said "look I don't care if you drink but when you stay out of my face". Well this brute of a man picks up my running table fan and proceeds to lift it up and towards me-a second thought entered his head and he instead threw it into my $1500 brand new laptop-totalled. I was stunned!! Stunned. I was so mad I threw it back at him on his way out of my room and put a nice hole in my door. He didn't bring the freak out up for days, he was a little meeker for the next few days, but my opinion of him really changed at this point. He has called me awful names for reason's only he knows-because I know I have done nothing to set him off-he wants to fight and he comes and get's it going. But to destroy my property and to feel he has the right to destroy my property makes me feel who the heck are you?? Then one of his sons & wife was here last weekend and he must have brought up the fan/.computer fiasco 3 times laughing each time. I told him it wasn't funny and say's in his man-voice WHAT DID YOU SAY??? Maybe another computer will get busted tonight-hey?-would you like that?!!! The thing is his family just think he is being funny because they don't realize he really did do this. He comes across as so polite and stoic in personallity- he's a closet verbal abusing drunk-is what he is.

    This man has tantrums, he throws his dinner plate on the floor or at the fridge or me if he so happens to feel like it. He tells me he hates me so much, and his life is ruined because of me being in it, he even said one time I wish you would die-I can't stand you! The next day I don't say "oh that's allright you were just mad-it was my fault" NOWAY on the other hand I do not call him on it in a serious way because he will freak all over again. Ii am walking on eggshells, I am so exhausted and stressed out in my own home. He gets over it, I don't I hurt deeply probably forever because these mean , things he does to me pile up and they are still clear as water to me many months later. Last night I was making his dinner & he said "I don't want my dinner stick it---. The things he calls me will be left to the imagination. I have to say I do not feel low self-confidence because I am confident in my self, these burst's of outrage and fits reflect more on him and something going on in him than me. I know that.

    I will never ever go to a DR, he goes once a year for his Truck class medical and the DR's just fill it out the way the guy wants and takes his $150. This last years medical the Dr took his blood pressure and ask him if he has ever had a stroke, or heart problems &n he said no-the Dr said that's amazing!

    Okay so high BP acccounts partly for his short fuse don't understand why he takes that out on me. His face turns purple red and he is spitting his words and his eyes are wild when he blows. I am scared of him, I no longer trust his love for me-even when he says he is sorry and he loves me because we are a minute away from another explosion. I relax during the week when he is working then come Saturday I am seized up silly. I can't make him go to a DR, I can't stop him from drinking, I can't throw him out of his home because I know he would really come at me then. I can't leave my life is here, I am a homebody, I love my home, I love my bulldogs, I love my garden.

    I feel such guilt at times because I actually find myself thinking I wish some health issue will stop him in his tracks & I hate that feeling. I am not that kind of person. I no longer work I have early retired for a long term job and parked my pension, I am trying to teach my self web design and desk top publishing to give me something as a job of interest and work from home. I have had too many bosses in my life and I live with another-no more people running my life. Sorry so long-I had a lot to get off my chest, thanks

    Last edited by ebrena; 07-23-2009 at 01:27 PM. Reason: added a word

     
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    Old 07-23-2009, 09:06 PM   #2
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    ebrena,

    Your story is so unfortunate, but also so typical. Your husband is an abusive, alcoholic, and out of control. What if that fan hit you in the head, instead of your laptop? What would you do then? Only you can get yourself out of this...

    I would suggest consulting a battered womans center for help getting out of this relationship. Your husband needs help, but so do you. What kind of life are you living...one based on fear and anxiety?

    This might be the perfect time to reunite with your real family, and break ties with this angry drunk.

    The best to you...

     
    Old 07-23-2009, 09:35 PM   #3
    ebrena
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    Thanks for reading my post rightleft. You are so right I feel the same way. When I held my long term job I was independant and I would be long gone by now if I was still working. My mom became terminally ill in 2005 and I was her caregiver and left my job to look after her out of town. I did not like my job much but would sure like that independance again. One thing I have done for a long while is keep a safe stash that only I know about if I did flee in the night. I have 2 french bulldogs I would never leave without. I don't need to take much myself, my dogs and my laptop. You are so right he could have thrown that fan at me and hurt me badly, I was so angry I didn't hold back I felt really insulted by his abusive treatment of me-I was shocked. I know the right thing to do I am so in need of an organized plan to go to, I can't just fly out the door harem scarem we are out in the boonies. I need to stash my escape kit outside where I can run and get at it. Thank you my wheels are turning I have to do something I am too sad and stressed and life is too short. I don't want much just to enjoy life,not to be ridiculed and put down by this insecure drinking man-my husband. What a predicament.

     
    Old 07-23-2009, 09:53 PM   #4
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    You know he is an alcoholic and they all act like that...his blood pressure has nothing to do with his behavior it is purely alcohol. I do not believe for a second that you are a strong person you have self esteem issues and you need help. You can start by going alone to Al anon meetings in your community. This is a group of people that are living with alcoholics... you learn to live with them if you intend to stay with this man you will need to learn how to live with him if that is what you want to do. You need to start educating yourself on alcoholism. No man should ever be so bad that your own children do not come around ...change that you owe them that much. Good luck.

     
    Old 07-23-2009, 09:55 PM   #5
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    Oh, I feel so badly for you...I'm so glad you came here to get some support and encouragement. You are so right about making yourself a good plan. I certainly would not want you go off without a safe, secure plan for you and your beloved dogs (I am a dog lover too).

    You sound like a strong smart woman, which makes the situation you are in all the more impossible. Your husband probably won't have a clue, until way after you have gone. You can plan everything in advance.

    Lets keep in touch...

     
    Old 07-24-2009, 02:42 PM   #6
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    Anne you are very right-I do not understand the full jist of an alcoholic. My Husband drinks a lot of beer and it does contribute it to his mood changes. I also know there is something way deep in there that he is angry at and that person isn't around so he takes it out on me. Not good. Even my own family are all alcholics-sister (51); 2 brothers (50 & 54) & my son(37) are always so wasted I refuse to even answer their calls.

    I am surrounded in a sea of alcholics-none of them-not one of them make any sence, my sister repeats herself and doesn't take any thing serious and tries to talk like she lives in this perfect fun world with a "don't ruin my fun" motto.. She got and impaired charge in Nov 08 and lost her job Mar 09 most likely due to her charge, even that doesn't put a damper on her fun!

    2 brother's both alcholic's make no sence when they babble. My son hates when I pop by and he has had a few beers (most likely more than a few) and he has just smoked a joint.

    My husband drinks at least 4 beers a day after work, if he is home it goes up to 6-9 and on the weekend lots- I have no idea-but it's lots!

    The thing about this is they all point their fingers at me as being the anti-social one. I have no desire to be around them. I have things I like to do that I want to do & I don't drink. I don't accept the alchol issue as an excuse for anything.

    I do avoid my husband like the plague when he drinks. I can already tell it is going to be one of those up - tight weekends. Just by the way he is talking to me. He left the house earlier without saying goodbye or anything-when I asked him where he went he said - no where! Games!! I don't care where he went he should have stayed longer. I grabbed my stuff off the table and I am now back in my room away from him. What a boring stressfull life.

    Every time he gets paid I take $500 of the top for myself and save it for that day when I can't take it anymore and have enough saved to make a move.

    I used to be a weekend drinker to socialize although not every weekend, when I stopped it was for health as well I grew up and just didn't need it anymore. My whole world changed. Absolutely no support or understanding from any of them-they just think I am boring person now-I like being boring. Besides they have never taken an interest in what I do so they don't know me anymore

    Well thanks for listening I won't go on anymore. Have a nice day all of you.

     
    Old 07-24-2009, 03:13 PM   #7
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    ebrena,

    You do not belong there. The world will give you better, and it sounds like you are well on your way. The lifestyle those around you have chosen is a dead end, a long a lonely road that leads to nowhere. But you know that.

    The money stash is perfect. Feel free to get this off your chest here, we are happy to listen, and offer you support.

     
    Old 10-25-2009, 09:50 PM   #8
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    Ebrena-

    What's the update on your circumstances with your husband? Were you able to make it out with a plan?

    Sincerely hoping you latched onto the better life that God had planned for you...

    Much love~

     
    Old 12-28-2009, 11:32 PM   #9
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    Ebrena, I was complaining about something about my relationship with a boyfriend. But you married to a man who turned out an awful husband. Please do yourself a favor, decide what is important to you, your "comfort zone" or your life? He can be dangerous in your own home. You do not think he is serious about wishing you die or you do not think your thought won't become realistic - wish him get sick and die. One little mistake can cost a life.

    Anytime he hurt you, he can hurt you in any way. You are probably thinking, oh he is too chicken to hurt me badly. One day he won't think straight. My mother left my dad after long 19 years. I wish she left him waaaay before. When my mother asked me, will it be ok if I leave your dad? I thought she was being silly asking me that qq. I told her to dump my dad. I do not want to see any men hit on women. Now these days, women can be abusive too. Anyway .... you do not have anyone close to you to say it is ok to leave him. Do you have close friends or any family that you can depend on for a while?
    Stay away from him for a while. Write him a long letter. Show him that you are serious. Since you are retired, you can get away from him for a short period of time.

    Today is my second day I'm here. I'm glad I'm here. We all need each other here.

    Think about what you said and what we said here.

    Be safe.

     
    Old 12-29-2009, 07:00 AM   #10
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    get away from him while you still can.....he's abusive and dangerous.
    he sounds like he may have borderline personality disorder to boot!

     
    Old 01-16-2010, 10:40 PM   #11
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    my husband of 2 years is the same way, but he doesn't drink. he's just an ***. when we first started dating he was perfect. now he talks to me like crap, saying his biggest regret is marrying me, he recently told me the best thing to happen would be for me to kill myself. evey time i try to talk to him about us he tells me everything is my fault and nobody can stand me. i have begged him to leave. i told him to name it and i would do it if he would leave. he constantly tells me he don't care what i do as long as i leave him alone. i just want to know why? i love the him i married but i don't know where that "him" went. i'm just at the end of what i can handle.

     
    Old 01-17-2010, 10:33 AM   #12
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    I don't recommend writing a letter. I wouldn't give him any warning or idea if you decide when and where to go. But then again, if you leave without telling him, he could try to get revenge. You really need to get some emotional support from somewhere. If you could go somewhere that would take your dogs, that would be great. I don't know what government or battered wives agencies they have in Canada, but do some research and find out all your options. I would also be careful about posting on this site while he is at home. He may decide to snoop on you and find out your plans and that could only make him more mad. Don't leave yourself logged in, delete history, maybe even go to the library to post. He isn't violent towards the dogs is he?

     
    Old 01-17-2010, 11:27 AM   #13
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    Get out. You deserve better. You sound like a good person; he is not. You have a great life ahead of you, don't waste it with this loser.

     
    Old 02-08-2010, 09:36 AM   #14
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    Re: Ignorant angry husband-exhausting me

    I was once married to an alcoholic, and when he started the abuse, I packed up a couple of suitcases, and when he got home that night, I was GONE!!!

    BTW I'm from Port Alberni..........we're strong women. Go for it; no-one deserves that kind of treatment.

    Sending "packing vibes"!!!

     
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