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  • I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

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    Old 07-26-2009, 10:03 PM   #1
    MrZeely
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    I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    This may not be the best forum for this problem. But i feel like its a relationship problem, because it does create a ton of unnecessary problems in my current relationship, as well as in any other interaction i may have with people.

    Well i am 21, and i have terrible self confidence/self esteem, and i often find myself being unhappy with everything, even if i have it my way (i guess thats depression...). I have a feeling i know where a lot of it comes from, but its hard to pin point something like this. I have a great relationship with my father, but he has always been horribly controlling of my life and is extremely opinionated. So growing up, i had to go by his overly strict rules, and i had to agree and conform to everything he thought was right, which was typically hardcore conservative (i am conservative myself, but the level he takes it to is obsessive). So with his control, i never really witnessed the bad things there are in life as a kid. Honestly, i knew of things like rape, murder, drugs, violence, and so forth, but i didnt really have too big of a grasp on what effect it must have on people, only up until a few years ago did i realize what these things can do to people. I was never exposed to anything, and i was extremely sheltered, and its really too late for me now.

    The other reason is that i was always made fun of in school, and high school is by far one of the worst memories i have. I was i guess an easy target when i was really really young, but as i got older, people would still mess with me because my voice never changed. My voice did not actually change until a little under a year ago...at 20 years old, i finally found a way to force my voice to drop permanently. So you can only imagine the hell i was put through, even in college.

    So to this day, because of these two main reasons (and tons of minor reasons), i have some extreme self esteem and depression problems. I personally find myself disgusting, i hate the way i look, simply because its never noticed. Girls do not find me attractive, so in my relationship, its hard to believe it when my girlfriend says i am attractive in any way. I have tried doing tons of things to my appearance, whether its dressing better, changing my clothing style, growing facial hair, changing hair, tanning, working out, nothing makes me look any better, and its hard to feel positive about my relationship because of this. This makes me feel like my girlfriend will leave because i am not attractive, because i am boring, and etc, but i know in all reality she loves me for me. But i NEVER get compliments, or looks, or flirting, or anything. Which is not important, but if i were to get that, i would find it easier to believe my girlfriend when she says those things (does that make sense?).

    Really, i am a troubled person. I have horrible rage problems, i sent myself to the hospital when i was 16 because i cut my arm wide open with a knife, not because of suicide, but because of rage. Recently i got so furious that i pummeled away at my leg for a good few straight minutes with all my strength, so that 80% of my upper leg turned green/purple for the next week. I am always doubting myself, even when i do good at something, instead of being happy, i feel like its either not that special, or its not going to be seriously noticed anyway so why get happy over it. I always feel like people are out to get me, whether its to get close to me to hurt me, to take advantage of me, to take something away from me, and etc. I love being around people, but i also hate it at the same time, i feel happier when i am around people, but i feel more peaceful when i am alone. I always want to be religious to make myself feel more positive, but all i can ever think is that life is really empty, has zero meaning unless you do something that will make you remembered for a long time, and i doubt i can ever do that so i feel like living isnt really too special.

    I feel like i am a great person, i am really funny, i love to laugh, i am pretty smart, i always want the best things for others, but it really does not meet up somewhere. Something along the way makes me feel like complete crap about myself, and prevents me from ever getting better. I have made progress with this problem, but it either starts regressing back a bunch of steps, or it just fixes one problem but creates two others. I hate feeling this way, because i have wasted 21 years of my life feeling insecure and scared about everything. I want to at least feel like i did something in my life, and so far really its been a complete waste.

    Does anyone have any advice/comments/suggestions about this subject? I just threw it all together in one draft, huge collection of my thoughts.

     
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    Old 07-27-2009, 01:11 AM   #2
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    I think your first step needs to be to get to where this anger and pain is coming from. Keep a journal; when you feel really bad, sit with it and try to go back to another time when you felt this way. Trust me, there will be one or more experiences that pop up time and again. Then write about this past experience as if it were happening here and now. This will enable you to process the causes of your emotions. This is where you need to start. You are sinking in a sea of hurt. It may sound simplistic, but it is a proven method of getting feelings out there to examine, and then to deal with. Find some books on humanistic therapies. There are many exercises that will help you to cope and work on your self esteem. You do not love yourself, therefore you cannot accept love from anyone else - in fact, you probably secretly suspect your GF of being a loser by being attracted to you. You are right in that this is a relationship issue - if we did not have relationships, it would be meaningless to look at yourself at all. It will be a difficult journey, but well worth it. Also, it is a lifelong journey; it is what we are given our thinking abilities for. Sera.

     
    Old 07-27-2009, 04:50 AM   #3
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    What I would do if I were you is stop being obsessed with myself .If I felt there were things about myself I couldn't change ,I would just except it.
    You are trying to achieve all your happiness it seems from trying to be something you just aren't.So maybe try achieving happiness from something else.Find a hobby that you enjoy, or find an interesting career. Focus on trying to find pleasure on something other than your looks.Like you have said,you,ve done all you can do so just let nature take its course.And remember as you get older ,your looks do change,and you still could develop into a handome young man.I've seen a lot of what you might call nerdy looking guys get really good looking as they age.
    As for the rage problems, try to remember people can only upset you if you let them.
    And so what if your boring.What makes you think all girls want guys with extreme personalities.There are a lot of girls that like the calmness of boring.I know, because I am one of them.I like boring people, as they tend to be more calm and peaceful.I bet your girlfriend likes that quality in you which is another reason why she is probably with you.

    Last edited by daylight568; 07-27-2009 at 05:54 AM.

     
    Old 07-29-2009, 06:04 AM   #4
    MrZeely
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    I would keep a journal, or write a letter of how i feel, my girlfriend tells me to do this, and to me its just hard to do that. I really dont like letting my emotions out like this, so it would be difficult to write it in a journal on almost a daily basis. Let alone, i am not great at writing by hand, i think i would be better off just typing something like that up.

    I might start a journal. Think typing it up would work fine?

     
    Old 07-29-2009, 08:28 AM   #5
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    Typing is OK, but beware of too much editing. It will get easier as you go along. It doesn't have to be essays; just thoughts jotted down, insights to go back to later, memories etc etc. Do not try to force an 'emotional' style, just go with what is easiest. Keep it all, either on the computer or stashed away in a notebook. When you see how much it clarifies your thinking you will be surprised at how effective it is. Read too, there are a lot of good self-help, anger management and self-esteem boosting books out there. Listen also to your self talk - Hear what you tell yourself and then imagine talking to your friends like that. Why be meaner to yourself than you would ever dream of being to somebody else? There is so much you can do yourself. Inside you is an angry, unloved little boy. Nobody can fix him except you. Read about transactional analysis, where the premise is that we all operate from one of three bases - parent, child and adult. Your inner critic telling you how unlovable you are is usually the parent; the angry raging you is the child; and the desire to sort it all out is when the adult gets a chance to speak. It is all very interesting and helpful. Sera.

     
    Old 07-31-2009, 07:01 PM   #6
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    First of all you have to stop saying you have a low self esteem. you just keep your head up high and keep thinking your the best person in the world and pretty soon you will be!!!! and for your depression well all i can say is go see a doctor and see if he can put you on some meds. because if you don't your gonna keep on thinking you have low self esteem!

     
    Old 08-01-2009, 06:32 AM   #7
    MrZeely
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    I really dont feel comfortable taking meds for something like that.

    Plus like most other threads i made, going to the doctor is not exactly an option. With the way my family is, i cant go unless im really sick, and my father will probably disregard it and say its just in my head. He doesnt believe in healing depression by going to a doctor, and getting meds. Then again, neither do i.

     
    Old 08-01-2009, 09:07 AM   #8
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    So what are you going to DO about it? I've read multiple threads where you talk about being depressed and having low self esteem, people make suggestions, which you say you can't or don't believe in doing...so if you want to fix this problem and you don't like or can't do any of our suggestions, what are you going to do? I'm sure you don't like feeling this way which is why you keep posting about it, but it's not going to fix itself. You have to get proactive and find a way to help yourself. I recommend counseling. I really can't see any other way.

     
    Old 08-01-2009, 09:17 AM   #9
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    I agree a lot with this post(er). Actually, it would help you greatly if you had a job (it is not clear to me whether you are currently working or still going to college) and then established some short and long-term goals for yourself. For example: saving money, making that trip, buying that car or that house, marrying, whatever. You need a few material, concrete objectives in your life. All of what you say makes sense, but it is too abstract. Start planning and doing things for your future, don't lose your focus, and you will see, maybe with some surprise, that all your other issues will begin to get in order. Ask for help from other people, if applicable.

    Last edited by Administrator; 02-16-2013 at 09:29 PM.

     
    Old 08-03-2009, 05:53 AM   #10
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    Knowing your history and reading past posts Lazer, it seems your girlfriend does not help your self esteem either. It seems like you have actually gotten worse since she plays so many games.

     
    Old 08-08-2009, 06:22 AM   #11
    MrZeely
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    I think she helps my self esteem problems, but i am really stuck on the way i feel so that it doesnt make a ton of progress before it goes back to the normal.

    But now another thing has been depressing me. Sort of related to your question about working. I have a part time job, gets me like 10 hours during the school year just to have money in my pocket since i still live with my parents, i have a hard time working a lot of hours AND going to school, i get my priorities really screwed up.

    But its my final year of college, and i am certain i want to go to grad school. The closest and best bet is about a 2.5 hour drive from here, so i would have to move out. During the school year, i save up about $500-800, that is my entire bank account. I cannot seriously even think about moving out with that much. My dad wants me to go straight from undergrad to grad school, i want to take a year off to get a full time job to have at least some basis of pay. My dad keeps accusing me that once i get that job, i will not want to go back to school, and he will send me to grad school, he will pay for the school, he will pay for the rent, he will pay for utilities, and he will set up a bank account for me with money in it so i dont have to work that full year. I discussed it with him, i said i am positive i want to go to grad school, and i am positive i will, just i dont want to have them pay for every single thing when i am 22 years old. He said its a family decision that we have to decide together, i said thats not true because my input doesnt even matter, its whatever they want is what i have to do.

    I dont know if its normal to go off to college, get an apartment or something, and have your parents pay for your school, housing, and everything. I can imagine that being extremely rare. I know a lot help their kids out, which is what i would love. But if all i would pay for is the things i actually want (not need), like movies, games, restaurant food, etc (kind of like i do now). I would feel pathetic.

    But this is the kind of stuff i am talking about controlling. I dont want to move out with $500 in my pocket, and have them pay for everything. But he said its a family decision, so it has to be his way. I have been really upset over this the past little while (really since i stopped posting in this thread). And i have had increasing thoughts of suicide. But not serious ones, i would never do that, but i think to myself if i were to do that i wouldnt have to stress over all of this stuff for the next 5 or more years of my life, and feel like such a little person whose parents decide everything for him, and pay for everything.

     
    Old 08-10-2009, 07:29 PM   #12
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    Can you think back in your family of anyone else who might have mental problems such as depression? Or anyone who has gotten help for their emotional/mental issues? I think you might seriously have depression or even be bi-polar. The reason I can say this is that I used to feel the exact same way, have the same kind of rage issues, hit my self, think that my ex-wife could not possibly find me attractive. (NOTICE I SAID EX-WIFE). I did not get on the right medications for my bi-polar disease before my ex-wife got fed up and finally left me among a few other reasons.

    You really need to make an appointment with your family doctor and go by yourself. Don't even tell your dad that you are going there. What about your mom, could you confide in her? If not, then just go to the doctor or take your girlfriend for support. Have her go in the office with you for support and tell the doctor some of the things that you are telling us. Tell him that you think you might be suffering from depression. He/she will ask you a few questions and depending on how you answer them will determine whether you have a diagnosis of depression or not. I would not be overly concerned about being put on medication. I tend to think of it as a brain disease which it truly is. There are certain neurotransmitters(chemicals) that are off-balance in the brains of those with bi-polar, or depressed people. The medications merely help to re-balance those chemicals and can help you to have a better outlook on life. Of course alot of this could very well need some form of counseling, especially with the whole issue of you and your dad. good luck and keep us posted.

    brian

    p.s. Actually now that I have been out of a relationship for almost 2 years, I am having those same feeling creep back (that i'm not attractive, no one would possibly want me, what else can I do to physcially change my look), but I need to stop that.

    Last edited by brianpain33; 08-10-2009 at 07:31 PM.

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 06:47 AM   #13
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    But how can i go to the doctor without my health insurance? A visit would cost a ton for me without that, and i really dont know how that works. I would go to a free clinic, but i dont know how well they will be able to help me with this there.

    I have tried really hard to find people to talk to about this. But i just never know how to. For example my trainer at the gym, he is a really great guy, really supportive and helps me with OTHER stresses (like problems at my job, he'll give me advice). I tried to mention a few times that i have really bad pent up aggression and i just lose it sometimes, even for the smallest reasons, and that conversation never went far.

    Last edited by MrZeely; 08-11-2009 at 06:48 AM.

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 12:33 PM   #14
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    Re: I have extremely low self esteem (and depression).

    You could contact your county's mental health association and tell them you don't have insurance but would really like to get some help. They might be able to refer you to someone that you could see for free or a very low cost.

    brian

     
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