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    Old 08-10-2009, 07:19 PM   #1
    springday09
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    Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Hi, I am new to these boards, so please be kind....I've been going through some issues with my boyfriend lately and I'm really hoping you all can help me out.

    My problem is that insecurities have always plagued me in relationships. This stems from 3 prior long-term relationships where lying was a big problem and eventually led to the break-ups. My prior boyfriends all had issues with honesty and would always lie to me about various things (from school-related issues, to other women, to looking at porn, etc. etc.) It got to the point where I developed major trust issues. I didn't know if they were telling me the truth or not and then I would find out that they were lying to me for months. I had to see a therapist because of all the lies and even had some suicidal thoughts. I was a total emotional mess.

    I'm now in a relationship with my current boyfriend, who I've been dating for about 10 months now. We've actually been friends for many years and have the same mutual friends. He has been very good to me. He's supportive, loving, caring, and devoted to me. He knows about all the stuff I went through with my exes and is very aware of all the insecurities I have. We talk about my issues often and he does try to remain patient with me and reassure me that he won't lie to me, like the others. I really can see myself marrying him but I'm afraid that I don't have the strength to get rid of all my insecurities.

    The issue that has been really bothering me lately is that I know my boyfriend watches porn, usually on the Internet. Initially, I told him I didn't have a problem with it. I think I was trying to convince myself that I didn't have a problem with it but it was still kinda bothering me, although I didn't let on. He told me that since we started dating he doesn't do it nearly as often as he used to, maybe once a week, compared to every day before we started dating. He said that lately, though, it's been more often, like maybe 3-4 times a week. (We only see each other on the weekends since he lives an hour away).

    He said that when he watches it, he's picturing us doing those things in the scene, that he doesn't watch porn to check out other women, but to give himself a visual of what we could be doing when we are intimate. He told me that when he is watching it he is thinking about us and what we could be doing. I want to believe that's the truth and that he's not doing it just to check out other women. My fear is that since he is watching it more often now, he is substituting what he's seeing on the screen with actual memories he has of himself with me. Why can't he just rely on our intimate memories rather than having to turn to porn?

    I know my issue might sound really lame, but I've had insecurities about porn even before him. I want to be able to overcome this. I don't want to ruin what I have with him.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't have anyone to talk to about this because I'm really embarrassed that I'm insecure about this.

    Thank you....

    Last edited by springday09; 08-10-2009 at 07:24 PM.

     
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    Old 08-10-2009, 07:37 PM   #2
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Most men respond to visual stimulation more so than a memory. Fantasizing over a memory is more of a female thing. I'm surprised he's that honest with you about watching the porn. To me, as long as he's not ignoring your sexual needs when you are together, I wouldn't think twice about the porn. Sometime in the future, you may even want to watch with him.

     
    Old 08-10-2009, 07:56 PM   #3
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    porn is too free and accessible today.. it is addictive - especially for men - theirdrive is crazy.. - the only way some guy who is addicted to porn or internet porn will get off it - is if he is pre-occupied with something to keep his attention more.. maybe work - or a real life girl. i remember when i first saw interent porn - it was so addictive - its like i lost a week or two of my life.. and then phasing off of it seemed hard - but eventually i got back into my usual busy routine and now away from it i could care less about it.. but perhaps if decided to waste my free time again looking at porn instead of this board . i'd be addicted to it.. well heck i can get caught up in this board too for hours at time and is rather addicting as well.. becareful........ tv and internet are really not health vices.... if you not to have them at all - you;d probably be much healthier

    Last edited by pitcherred; 08-10-2009 at 07:58 PM.

     
    Old 08-10-2009, 09:02 PM   #4
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    I don't believe that just because you don't like your boyfriend looking at porn 4 times a week, that automatically means you're insecure. I have pretty much zero telerance for porn and it has nothing at all to do with insecurity. I personally feel it's degrading to women, men who watch it tend not to have a very realistic, healthy or respectful view of women as partners or as fellow human beings, and it has everything to do with pure sexuality and physicality and nothing at all to do with emotion or love. I would think it would be pretty easy to feel like nothing but a piece of warm meat being with a man who watches a lot of porn and who tends to think of sex in terms of just pure physicality and doesn't see it as having anything at all to do with emotional intimacy or love.

    I don't believe he says to himself "boy I'd rather be with this chick than Springday!" I don't really think that's what porn is about to most men, but it does tend to desensitize. I think you need to be honest with yourself first of all. If you have an issue with porn, then don't tell your boyfriend you don't. If you do have insecurities, then that's something you can work on as well. Even if you don't absolutely love your body the way it is, I think you can still accept it and be ok with what you have to work with, knowing you do your best to look as good as you can, and that it's not a competition. Even if you were Giselle, there is still always someone out there younger and hotter and sexier. Security doesn't come from knowing that you're the hottest sexiest woman around. That's not what sex is really all about anyway, when two people really love each other and have that emotional intimacy and connection. The security comes first, from inside, knowing you are a strong, smart, attractive, worthy woman with a lot to bring to the table, and that you've picked a man who really respects and appreciates all you are, and that he's your best friend and you have such a connection and a bond that Megan Fox, Giselle, and Angelina Jolie could all come up and sit on his lap and he'd smile and say "wow. thanks ladies, I'm flattered, but I'm taken" and take your hand, give you a kiss and leave with you. Like Dr. Phil said, a good man who really loves you will make sure you know that you've got "the best deal in the room", meaning you've got a good man who is with you no matter what. And if a man doesn't want to be that for you, hasta la vista baby.

    I think men will always want to look at pretty, sexy naked young women, it's only natural. But if he does it so much that he's making you feel neglected, or that these other women are more desirable than you, or that he'd rather watch porn than be with you, or treats you disrespectfully or cruelly if you don't want to do all the things he sees in these movies or whatever, then that's when it gets to be a problem. And that's not just you being insecure.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-10-2009 at 09:07 PM.

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 10:49 AM   #5
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Choice View Post
    Most men respond to visual stimulation more so than a memory. Fantasizing over a memory is more of a female thing. I'm surprised he's that honest with you about watching the porn. To me, as long as he's not ignoring your sexual needs when you are together, I wouldn't think twice about the porn. Sometime in the future, you may even want to watch with him.
    Hi Choice, I agree with you that men like visual stimulation. My only issue is that I know he wasn't looking at porn as much in the earlier stages of our relationship so he must have been relying on his intimate memories of our physical time together. The fact that he is doing it more lately makes me fear that his physical memories of us are waning and that it's not "enough" for him, if you know what I mean. Thus, he is turning to porn. He says that this is not true, and that he likes to look at porn to get ideas and to give him inspiration about things he would like to try with me, or it will remind him of things we have done. I guess I'm just wondering why he must look at it more now when in past months it was only maybe once a week.

    He does not ignore my needs when we are together. We are fairly in tune with one another. I'm not at all opposed to watching porn with him (I have hinted at it, even), but I have to work my way up to doing that because I don't want to have any insecure thoughts if I do that with him.

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 11:06 AM   #6
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    I don't believe that just because you don't like your boyfriend looking at porn 4 times a week, that automatically means you're insecure. I have pretty much zero telerance for porn and it has nothing at all to do with insecurity. I personally feel it's degrading to women, men who watch it tend not to have a very realistic, healthy or respectful view of women as partners or as fellow human beings, and it has everything to do with pure sexuality and physicality and nothing at all to do with emotion or love. I would think it would be pretty easy to feel like nothing but a piece of warm meat being with a man who watches a lot of porn and who tends to think of sex in terms of just pure physicality and doesn't see it as having anything at all to do with emotional intimacy or love.

    I don't believe he says to himself "boy I'd rather be with this chick than Springday!" I don't really think that's what porn is about to most men, but it does tend to desensitize. I think you need to be honest with yourself first of all. If you have an issue with porn, then don't tell your boyfriend you don't. If you do have insecurities, then that's something you can work on as well. Even if you don't absolutely love your body the way it is, I think you can still accept it and be ok with what you have to work with, knowing you do your best to look as good as you can, and that it's not a competition. Even if you were Giselle, there is still always someone out there younger and hotter and sexier. Security doesn't come from knowing that you're the hottest sexiest woman around. That's not what sex is really all about anyway, when two people really love each other and have that emotional intimacy and connection. The security comes first, from inside, knowing you are a strong, smart, attractive, worthy woman with a lot to bring to the table, and that you've picked a man who really respects and appreciates all you are, and that he's your best friend and you have such a connection and a bond that Megan Fox, Giselle, and Angelina Jolie could all come up and sit on his lap and he'd smile and say "wow. thanks ladies, I'm flattered, but I'm taken" and take your hand, give you a kiss and leave with you. Like Dr. Phil said, a good man who really loves you will make sure you know that you've got "the best deal in the room", meaning you've got a good man who is with you no matter what. And if a man doesn't want to be that for you, hasta la vista baby.

    I think men will always want to look at pretty, sexy naked young women, it's only natural. But if he does it so much that he's making you feel neglected, or that these other women are more desirable than you, or that he'd rather watch porn than be with you, or treats you disrespectfully or cruelly if you don't want to do all the things he sees in these movies or whatever, then that's when it gets to be a problem. And that's not just you being insecure.
    Hi Larrylousmom, I agree with you that security must come from within. Even though someone is not the "hottest" or most attractive, security comes from knowing that you possess qualities that outshine any physicial characteristics. Given that, my bf does compliment me on all my traits, from my physical attractiveness to my intelligence, to my humor and the fact that we share a lot of the same interests, like biking, running, dining out, concerts, movies, etc. So I am confident that he appreciates in me more than just physical traits. He has never made me feel neglected or that other women are more desirable than me. In fact, if someone supermodel celebrity were to come on to him like you mentioned, I think he probably would respond the way you said. I don't doubt his love for me. He even tells me he loves me when we are being intimate with one another.

    He really is a great guy, who exhibits more patience with me than I probably deserve, especially when I pepper him with questions pertaining to my insecurities. Why must I do this? How do I stop feeling this way?

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 01:36 PM   #7
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Hey I'm a girl who watches porn and my boyfriend does not. @ one point we watched it together then somethings happened and he stopped which I also stopped for a while, I have watched it more and more and for me it is more of a stress reliever. Don't ask me how...just watching other people makes my stress go away. Also sometimes I watch funny porn to laugh at people and that also makes me feel better about myself b/c I know I could never do that or I can relate to some. idk, I totally understand the insecurity thing because I always try to point out other girls and ask my b/f what he thinks, but he swears he never really notices other girl. lol. I love him. We've been together for almost 3 years so I should love him.

    If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask.

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 02:01 PM   #8
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy, and I guess he is giving you all the details about his use of pornography use, because he is being truthful with you, as you asked him to be. Do you really want to know all this? If his activities during the week bother you so much, then you need to address them, and address your need to know everything.

    While I do not personally like anything about pornography, I feel it is one of those things that fit into, "don't ask...if you don't really want to know". If this relationship ever becomes more than a weekend thing, that would be different. I would never put up with a man that indulges in pornography while living with me! But what a person does in their own home is private, and how he acts with you is another thing. You say he treats you wonderfully, so I would go with that, and not pester him about something you don't even want to know.

    I wish you the best...

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 04:05 PM   #9
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by springday09 View Post
    Hi Larrylousmom, I agree with you that security must come from within. Even though someone is not the "hottest" or most attractive, security comes from knowing that you possess qualities that outshine any physicial characteristics. Given that, my bf does compliment me on all my traits, from my physical attractiveness to my intelligence, to my humor and the fact that we share a lot of the same interests, like biking, running, dining out, concerts, movies, etc. So I am confident that he appreciates in me more than just physical traits. He has never made me feel neglected or that other women are more desirable than me. In fact, if someone supermodel celebrity were to come on to him like you mentioned, I think he probably would respond the way you said. I don't doubt his love for me. He even tells me he loves me when we are being intimate with one another.

    He really is a great guy, who exhibits more patience with me than I probably deserve, especially when I pepper him with questions pertaining to my insecurities. Why must I do this? How do I stop feeling this way?
    You've gotten some good advice on this, but I would also add that sometimes it helps to focus on YOU and look at the bigger picture. First of all, it starts with trust. But not necessarily trust in him. Trust in yourself. Trust that you can pick a good man, and if you should make a mistake, trust that you can recognize when a man isn't emotionally available and not that into and when to get out before you get too hurt, etc. And trust, like I said, that you have a lot to bring to the table, and trust that your life does NOT begin and end with this guy. Trust that you can survive just fine without him should the relationship end, because most of them do sooner or later. You have to learn to love him like you're not afraid to lose him. Because clinging and constantly needing reassurance "do you think I'm pretty? Am I prettier than her? Are you happy? What are you thinking?" that's the surest way to lose him. Have a little faith. Faith in the relationship, faith in him, and most importantly, faith in yourself.

     
    Old 08-12-2009, 08:24 AM   #10
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    I just wanted to say that he might mean well, but it's a terrible idea to try to get ideas from pornography. Pornos are about visual variety, not good sex, and the majority of moves shown are uncomfortable, awkward, or downright painful. If a man does something bizarre and painful in bed, chances are he saw in a porno. They're really the worst for erotic instruction and its terrible that so many young men watch them and think they're learning something.

     
    Old 08-12-2009, 10:12 AM   #11
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Lysander makes a great point.

     
    Old 08-12-2009, 11:15 AM   #12
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Oh, maybe I should not join this thread because I am afraid I am not going to be very kind with you. Please don't get me wrong, but I find it to be a lame excuse for someone to say they watch porn in order to learn how to do in real life, or whatever he tells you. Ok, you can learn a few tricks from watching porn, but basically you watch porn in order to ... find a relief, especially if you are a man. In other words, in order to masturbate. So, while he is being honest with you by telling you he watches it, I am afraid he is not telling you the whole truth. Well, does it really matter? The fact is most men masturbate, especially when they are younger, and this is something you have to accept and perhaps be silent about. I don't think this is about cheating. I don't think that watching porn can be even thought of as a prelude to cheating, in most cases. It is just watching and doing what must be done. I know I may be sounding too harsh, but I also think you should look above this, if you see what I mean. As long as he treats you in fairness, as long as he gives you what you need as a person and as a partner, don't keep asking and wondering about the things he does in his privacy, otherwise he may feel that you are being somewhat intrusive. Now, it would be a different thing if this were an addiction that prevented him from leading a normal life.

    That said, I must add that I personally have little respect for porn. It makes me feel disgusted at times, because most of it is just crap, makes no sense at all. I think porn could be made into a more intelligent thing, it could be given more content and context. In that case, it could even become educational, but I must be dreaming. Porn is for relief. Period. It takes time for a man to become able to find sexual relief without using visual porn, if ever he chooses to do so.

     
    Old 08-12-2009, 11:55 AM   #13
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
    Oh, maybe I should not join this thread because I am afraid I am not going to be very kind with you. Please don't get me wrong, but I find it to be a lame excuse for someone to say they watch porn in order to learn how to do in real life, or whatever he tells you. Ok, you can learn a few tricks from watching porn, but basically you watch porn in order to ... find a relief, especially if you are a man. In other words, in order to masturbate. So, while he is being honest with you by telling you he watches it, I am afraid he is not telling you the whole truth.
    Hi Pendulum, your words are appreciated, since I like to hear from the male point of view. My boyfriend is not telling me that he is watching porn to learn how to do it with me. He is saying that watching certain images gives him flashbacks to things we have done before. The things we have not tried yet, which he sees via porn, are the images that give him inspiration or desire to do those things with me. So I'm actually not opposed to this because I like trying new things and if him watching the porn gives him inspiration or makes him fantasize about doing those things with me, then I am up to trying those things too.

    We did have a conversation about this yesterday, and he said that for guys, it's all about the release, if you will... He said that seeing the visual allows him to get that release quicker. Otherwise, it will take longer, as you mentioned.

    My original insecurity from him watching the porn was not the fact that he was "watching porn" per se. It was because he does it more now than before. That made me a little concerned because I felt that he could not simply rely on the memories he had of him and I in order to get that "release." I explained this to him yesterday, and he said that the reason he looks at it more now is because when we first started our sexual relationship, everything was new, novel, fresh. So he didn't need a visual as much to get him going. Now, he said that while he does think about the things we've done in the past or the things he would like to do with me, the visual helps get him going.

    From a female point of view, I guess I was really flattered initially when he told me that he wasn't looking at porn as much as he used to -- that it was enough just to think or dream about me. Again, that all happened during the early stages of our physical relationship. Now that I know he's doing it more now, I've come to realize that guys do need that visual and sometimes it's not enough just to recall past memories of our time together.

     
    Old 08-12-2009, 12:09 PM   #14
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by springday09 View Post
    ... Now that I know he's doing it more now, I've come to realize that guys do need that visual and sometimes it's not enough just to recall past memories of our time together.
    Hi Springday

    That IS the point. You are being quite reasonable, you know.

    Cheers.

     
    Old 08-13-2009, 11:18 AM   #15
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    Re: Insecurities over boyfriend and pornography

    Stop before it is too late.The only place all of this can be managed is in Marriage

     
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