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    Old 08-11-2009, 01:48 AM   #1
    incorrigible
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    Question Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    Hi, I am 25, and about to get married in December. I have been seeing my fiance for the last 1.5 years. My problem is my erratic behaviour. I constantly need attention and "love". If Sk doesnt respond the way i want him to, i get angry and either say bad things to him, like telling him he wants me dead or something...or i start crying. And the worst is i switch between crying, saying ****** things, self pitying, apologising, within two minutes. And when i am being bad,like the other day i told him i know after we get married you will chop me up and pack me in a bag and throw me. After two minutes or so i was begging him to forgive me. (we live in different continents) and so we are usually on phone or online. Even when he was with me for 3 months, i tried jumping from his car, and later begged him to forgive me. This is taking a toll on him (obviously). He is very patient throughout, but i cannot expect that from him all the time.
    About a year back, we had other issues, such as me going on a one-night stand (i was not with him then); dating random guys; lose talks with my guy friends. He made me realise that i was wrong in doing these things and i did lose my respect. Since i wanted to feel bad about what i did, i began telling myself everyday that i am a bad person and do not deserve to be happy. And even IF SK cheats on me or doesnt love me the way i want him to - i totally deserve that. But, the fact is, even after so much self-talking i fume when he doesnt give the "desired level of attention".
    I have been noticing a trend since the last 2 months - i get really sad, i cry, i am lethargic, i binge, i say bad things to him, i think about death a lot, i feel people around me will die, or someone will break into our house at night.
    And i forget things, lose focus very soon, i took up an exercise my therapist friend told me to do - and i forgot what was the real reason i was doing it. I get sad/angry/frustrated---primarily when i am sad i do not understand why i am feeling like that? It is very frustrating because SK advised me what to do to come out of it....but those moments i just cannot do anything.

    I visited a psychiatrist 3 weeks back he diagnosed pathalogical grief; he said i am disturbed because of my father's death (who died last june). Frankly, he and I were not close, he was an alcoholic and had behaviousal problems. But i did feel guilty because i used to pray he dies. And when he did....i dont know i felt i could have helped him come out of it. And i used to feel horrible for cursing him while talking to my friends, i always said things like he is self-centered, unreasonable. And now after meeting SK i realise i have similar traits, and i worry that i will end up like him...alone.. i cannot deduce what is really bothering me. After the doctor told me i am affected by my dad's death, i do not think about him anymore. i did stop myself from thinking about him. and now those thoughts do not trouble me.

    Help?

    Last edited by incorrigible; 08-11-2009 at 01:52 AM.

     
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    Old 08-11-2009, 06:13 AM   #2
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    Wow, you sound a bit like me when I was your age. I used to act out as well. My father was a verbally abusive alcoholic and I think that I got used to chaos so where there was none, I would create it.

    What turned me around was getting older and realizing what I was doing. You've gotten to that point, I think. The point where you realize that you are sabotaging your own life and you want to change that.

    The other thing that helped me tremendously was therapy. You have to go to a different pychiatrist and/or therapist if the one that you are seeing isn't helping. I had to go through a couple of places until I found the right one. There I learned coping mechanisms to stop doing the things that I was doing that was making my life hard.

    Now, I'm really laid back. It takes a lot to get me going. I no longer want chaos in my life.

    I wish you the best.

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 09:42 AM   #3
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    I'd hold off on the marriage until you get your head straightened out.
    Why not go to a psychiatrist and see if you can get to the bottom of this.
    It's always easier to say that you can't do something, than it is to actually make something happen.......time to stop making excuses.

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 09:56 AM   #4
    Mary83
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    I think you need to continue seeing a therapist/psychiatrist. It sounds to me like your issues are not ones that you can easily fix by yourself, and they seem like very serious issues. I would maybe put the wedding on hold for a few months until you get the help you need and get healthy.

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 03:59 PM   #5
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    I think you should continue doing therapy, and please give us an update on your progress, this is of interest for me, you're pretty much describing my gf's behaviour exactly, and it's giving us real trouble, to the point that at some point I just want to run away as far as possible from her because of the damage she does.

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 10:33 PM   #6
    incorrigible
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by trystme View Post
    Wow, you sound a bit like me when I was your age. I used to act out as well. My father was a verbally abusive alcoholic and I think that I got used to chaos so where there was none, I would create it.

    What turned me around was getting older and realizing what I was doing. You've gotten to that point, I think. The point where you realize that you are sabotaging your own life and you want to change that.

    The other thing that helped me tremendously was therapy. You have to go to a different pychiatrist and/or therapist if the one that you are seeing isn't helping. I had to go through a couple of places until I found the right one. There I learned coping mechanisms to stop doing the things that I was doing that was making my life hard.

    Now, I'm really laid back. It takes a lot to get me going. I no longer want chaos in my life.

    I wish you the best.
    Thank you for replying. "...and I think that I got used to chaos so where there was none, I would create it"óthis does make sense to me somehow. My brother said something similar that i expect dramatic things to happen and that it why i get scared and stuff (he does not know what i riot i am with SK). I am trying to reason out myself when i am in the "better" thinking moods. Listing out the things in the next post.

    Thanks once again!

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 10:52 PM   #7
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    Thanks everyone for replying.

    Hi emoprairiedog, your post makes me wonder more about the situation i leave my fiance in. But, i know thinking won't help so...

    Anyway, i am listing out some things i do to make it better. Suggestions are welcome!

    1. I write a journal: I keep it in my bag all the time and i just spill everything in it. What helps most is describing how i am feeling, each and every detail. I make it a point to put down the naked truth. I had to struggle in the beginning, because i started off with the primary motive of showing my fiance that i am working toward helping myself. But later i let that feeling go away and now i know i write because it makes me feel better.

    2. I stop myself from thinking: I reason with myself that thinking like this is not going to help. I do not ignore the feeling, but just let it go away, supported by a reason.

    3. Word/Thought-association: My therapist asked me to do this exercise. Write a word, for example, Sad. Now write all the things you associate with being sad- reading about people dying; physically/mentally challenged people; your fights with partern/spouse; criticism. Now, pick out which reason you associate with which person in your life. As in, you really dont feel sad when you are criticised, but your sister does. So you dont have to tell yourself to feel sad when you are criticised.
    I was given this task to help me decide which thoughts were really mine, because according to my therapist i am impressionable. And i feel/think like some people in my life, and not how i would feel/think as ME.

    4. "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet...": This practially sums up how i make myself see the pain others are going through and feel blessed about doing good enough.

    I try to do these things, when i am better. I hope such periods last. Right now, i am trying to identify my triggers to help me control my anger and outburts.

    Ideas please?

     
    Old 08-11-2009, 11:08 PM   #8
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    You are definitely on the right track. I agree with others that a therapist would be useful for, if nothing else, to say the icky awful angry stuff that you are trying to keep down. Your anger outbursts are, I am willing to bet, triggered by things that threaten to touch upon your deep-seated pain. In other words, your anger is protecting you and it will continue to be your own personal guard dog until you face the sorrow, fear and pain that you have buried in you. keep up with the journal. Another suggestion for it is to feel the feeling you are having, and try to remember another time that you felt just the same. In this way, it is possible to get closer to the origin of the protective reflex you placed on the hurt. Keep in touch, Sera.

     
    Old 08-12-2009, 09:51 AM   #9
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    Any chance you are working on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)? It kind of sounds like it, but if not, that's something I think could really help you.

    Last edited by hb-mod; 03-22-2010 at 02:24 AM. Reason: Removed Quote. Please use "Quick" Reply rather than "Quote" Reply. Thanks!

     
    Old 08-12-2009, 11:41 PM   #10
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    I don't know if thinking too much of it will help, but probably understanding the pain you are inflicting into your partner will help you change. But you are already making steps towards it, so you already realized this. I agree with Seraph that anger outbursts sometimes are better than just feeling sad or depressed. I've experienced it.

    In my case, every time I check on threads like this, I can understand a little more about my gf, and it helps me to avoid thinking about her as the devil. It's not an excuse for the hurtful things she's done to me and everyone around, but it certainly helps to ignore the hurtful things she's said and done a little, realizing it's not about me but about her unresolved issues. But again, this isn't an excuse to hurt the only ones that love you. I'm trying my best to stand by my gf, but I'm too close to the point where it just gets too destructive and I draw the line. This isn't your case I think, because you've realized your problem, something my gf hasn't.

     
    Old 08-13-2009, 10:49 PM   #11
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    I did not realise it on my own. My fiance had to drill it in over the last 14months or more. He had to shout at me, be mean to me, basically tit fot tat. and then i realised what i was doing. I am not suggesting you take the same approach, whichever suits you guys best. Find out what works for her?

    Last edited by hb-mod; 03-22-2010 at 02:25 AM. Reason: Removed Quote of immediately preceding post. Please use "Quick" Reply rather than "Quote" Reply. Thanks!

     
    Old 08-13-2009, 10:59 PM   #12
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    I am sad today, not horribly depressed but just sad.

     
    Old 08-14-2009, 05:08 AM   #13
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    Do I have ADD?

    I really should see a therapist.

     
    Old 08-15-2009, 04:09 AM   #14
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    I'm no expert on these issues but i do agree you need to get some form of professional therapy. I doubt you can correct things with one or two sessions. Sometimes people go once a week for a few months, depending on the issues and techniques being used by the therapist. The sooner you start going the sooner i'm sure you will see results.

    If you don't mind me asking, did these issues arise only after your father's death or can you recall when they began or have they been there as far back as you can remember?

    I'm not sure whether it's ADD, but there are tests for that. A lot of people have apparently had it and only been diagnosed in their 20's and 30's.

    I could be wrong, but is it worth checking out Bipolar? Could there be a chemical imbalance of some sort? Have you enquired with your GP and seen a specialist for a range of tests?

    It's best to explore all avenues, but don't simply let a doctor stick you on antidepressants for the rest of your life. There is usually a reason for why you are doing what you are doing.

    Unfortunately, not all parents are equal when it comes to raising children. Some parents are brilliant at parenting and bring up wonderfuly optimistic great kids who go on to live wonderful lives. There can be parents who don't do this for various reasons and they never encourage or praise their children, are negative and not good role models. The end result can lead to children growing up with negativity, low self esteem, destructive behaviour, destroying relationships, unable to hold down a job, nothing goes right in life and they simply blame themselves.

    Getting help from a therapist is not a bad thing. There need be no stigma attached to this and nobody need know you are going except for your fiance. I'm sure he'd be so happy to know that you have decided to get help of your own volition. I remember the first time i saw a counsellor due to my ex husband and it felt weird discussing things with a complete stranger, but it did feel good to talk to someone not associated to me. Speaking to friends or family doesn't always work as the are biased and often tell you what you want to hear. You need to talk to someone with whom you have no emotional connection.

    I agree that not all therapists are made equal. You need to find the one for you. I went through 3 counsellors before i found someone right for my situation. I would also get the other possibilities checked out with a doctor/specialist eg: regards the ADD and bipolar or any other similar illness.

    There's the old saying "if it's to be it's up to me". Nobody else can fix this but you. You have already taken the first steps so you ought to be super proud of yourself. Take care and keep at it and keep us posted on how things go

     
    Old 08-21-2009, 04:00 AM   #15
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    Re: Cannot stop erratic behaviour

    I feel i am the most horrible person. Somehow saying this to myself makes me feel better, since this way i am compenstaing for the bad things i do. I was bad to my fiance. Misbehaved with him; called him a tyrant. I wanted to scream at him and tell him he is UNREASONABLE. My diary entry for that moment says, "I do not know what to write/say/think. SK shouted at me, reprimanding me for talking to him rudely. What the hell is this! I hate him."

    No, I dont hate him. I hated the feeling I had when he scolded me. My instant thought was - do I scold him when he talks to me badly (which he always does)? I dont - I request him to talk to me properly. Why do I deserve such behavior? All I asked him was to give me a kiss!! And he kept ignoring me. Do you know how it feel like when you are could shouldered? I feel like a nymphomaniac, emotionally blackmailing him to make love to me!! Which is BTW not possible because we live in different countries !#%&&(~~~ I am angry and frustrated. I wanted to run off to someplace, hit someone, slap someone i dont know break a few things....JUST something.

    Why!!!! why do I always have to lead him on, making him want me. Make him tell me he loves and misses me. I have no self respect left, I have trampled with my own character. I do not want to be wanted anymore, niether do I want to want him. I dont want to love or whatever or be weak. I dont want to beg and apologise. I dont want to behave like a rat and a tigress alternately.

    He is going through a bad phase. He lost his job a month back in a foreign country, living alone, cooking and cleaning, saving money. And the fact that we are to get married in another 3 months. This is serious. But is my condition an illusion? Am I pretending to be a crackpot. I, at times feel that everything is false and I do not feel what I feel or say or I should feel. It is fake. Or is it?

    I want to be with him. Because I feel he is the only STABILIZING factor in my life. I want to be away from everything. My father's memories, my grandparents' problems, my mom's emotional needs. I cannot be. Because that is LIFE. But where am I? Why is it all about me? Why cannot I control myself and be with my fiance, and just be the kind of partner I want to beócaring, respectful, compassionate, the best friend. Why am I like this? What can I do to be the PERFECT WIFE.

    I, at times, feel he wants a submissive wife. Someone who respects his word, puts her foot down when he has a point. He laughs at me, he mocks my behaviour.

    I will write more, may be.

     
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