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family feud after moms death...

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Old 08-22-2009, 07:15 AM   #1
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family feud after moms death...

My mom just recently passed away a few days ago and the havoc between all the siblings is unreal and because of all the problems I am seriously thinking of not attending my moms memorial service, Is that wrong to want to stay away from the family?

My mom was on Hospice for 5 days and I had a chance to say my good-byes then, but yet I feel disrespectful if I don't go to the service as well.

My mom didn't have much or requested for much after she passed away, she actually had something just wrote down on a piece of paper of what she wanted, my family of course said "it isn't legal...Well duh, to me they are right, but it is the MORAL of it all. Each one of my older siblings seem to have power issues and want to run the show, my mom specifically wrote that she wanted all of her birth children to make choices together. When I try to speak up and say something to each one I am shot down, they treat me like I know nothing and I am beginning to think they didn't know mom at all, but I now just sit quietly and say nothing. We are not a close nit family and I don't go out of my way prior or now to even associate w/ them. Even on holidays when the family would get together I never felt comfortable around them.

But, their behavior is embarrassing yet hurtful, because to me all choices should be made together, my mom left her life insurance for me and my sister to take care of things and she wrote down what exactly that extended to, and my sister does as she wishes, not my moms wishes. The rest seem to want to clean out her house and my one brother is still living there and my other brother will be released from prison in a few days and his name is on the house and he will be living there, out of respect I say no one does anything til the one brother is home and the only thing that should come out of the home was the things my mom directed towards which was, "family pics we gave her, plaques that we made or gave her, personal items, but my sister wants to grab everything and we have to come to her...Its a mess....but this mess is making it hard for me to want to be around them at my moms memorial...They even wanted to exclude my moms friends from the service and have it private, but yet my family expressed to the minister that my mom loved people and was a people person, so why exclude the friends?....I am so tired of feeling upset and angry I just want to grief the loss of my mom not deal w/ anger because my brother and sisters are idiots....I don't know what to do.....

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Old 08-22-2009, 08:03 AM   #2
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Re: family feud after moms death...

Sorry to hear about your loss. Family deaths often do this to families. Is there a will? Does anyone have power of attorney? Anything in writing at all? A lawyer would be able to help sort out the mess.

You have to go to the service. Just b/c you are fighting with your siblings, it doesn't mean you skip paying respect to your mother. Just go and keep your mouth shut. Do it for your mother.

Old 08-22-2009, 08:18 AM   #3
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Re: family feud after moms death...

There is no will or power of attorney, all there is was a paper that me and my mom wrote up awhile back that we started in regards to all of this, but we never finished it(being her signing it)..we were going to have a notary witness it, but everything that the family already knew was wrote down in it, but they are taking it upon them self into what they think is best, not what mom wanted.....Each one of my siblings keep having control and power issues over this and it is unreal.....Again my mom didn't have much, so there shouldn't be much of an issue from what I can see, but each one keeps pushing for their own wants not what mom wanted.....Even the obituary that just my sister decided on what would be wrote is actually embarrassing to the family....She listed my moms ex-husbands in preceding her death, my mom divorced them a long time ago and had no use for them(they dies way after the divorces)....People have brought that to my attention and asked me why ex's were listed when she couldn't stand them...I just say I don't know, my sister done it all...To me that should have been all the family there at that time making the choice of things, not what just one person wanted....

I'm getting real good at keeping my mouth shut,LOL.....When we met w/ the minister and each one was telling him a little about mom a memory they had and I went to speak twice to share a story and both times was cut off, so i just sat and listened....My sister met w/ the minister alone after we left and told him there was friction in the family and the minister told her he could tell that he watched me sit there quietly and that look of aww towards everyone and did try to speak and wasn't allowed to, of course she expressed to me that if I would like to say something at the memorial that the minister is behind me and I won't be cut off, but she don't realize she was one of them that cut me off...Needless to say I won't be speaking at the service, I will just listen, but I feel so out of place there.....

Old 08-24-2009, 12:40 PM   #4
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Re: family feud after moms death...

Hi dolejay,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mother. When my Dad passed away my older sister just took whatever she wanted without consulting any of us and I was furious. My Dad wasn't even buried yet. My Mother was and still is alive but she was in shock at the time and let my sister just take whatever she wanted.

I don't know why family members can't come together and talk everything out in a peaceful and respectful manner but I guess this is just the way it is in many families. I know what you described happened in my family not only with my Dad's passing but my baby brother's passing as well. Too much fighting and everyone is out for themselves. No consideration, very, very sad.

I think whatever your Mother wrote down should be respected and carried out (legal or not legal) because those were her wishes. Yet if your brothers and sisters wish to ignore it, it's not your fault and perhaps one day it will come back to haunt them.

Try to remember the good memories you had with your Mother and grieve for her in your own way. Perhaps plant a tree in her memory. Have you tried talking to the minister by yourself? Just venting to the minister may make you feel better.

I feel for you as I walked that path and it's bad enough when a family member passes, but to have all the family chaos on top of it just makes everything worse.

I wish you the best,

Old 08-26-2009, 06:19 AM   #5
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Re: family feud after moms death...

Sunny: Thank you for your condolences.
From many that I have spoke with it seems to be the main thing in big families of friction amongst the siblings. I don't know if each one wants to feel more important than the other or what it is.

When my dad passed away my 2 older brothers went to his house and totally cleaned it out before my sisters got there, and sold everything. I did not have a close relationship w/ my dad and my mom and dad divorced when I was very young so to me I had no business there, but I went along w/ my sisters to his house and they were so upset of what my brothers had done, but to me I could see the same thing happening w/ my moms house if it wasn't for one of my younger brothers is still living in the home and the other younger brother will be there soon to continue to take care of the house. Unfortunately my younger brother to keep the peace offered for the rest of the siblings to come in and take what they wanted, which he felt little sentimental values not meaning pots, pans, curtains, etc......

My moms memorial service keeps getting changed by my sister and she complains that she is tired of trying to meet everyone's needs, well to me if it was done right in the first place this would not be an issue, which was when we met w/ the funeral home director and the date and time was discussed she should have said "can I get back w/ you later this evening beings I need to discuss this w/ my siblings to find a good date and time"....But, no she keeps saying "mom left me in charge", the only thing that my mom left her in charge of was the life insurance and to make sure that things were done as she wished, and one of the things my mom made very clearly was to not spend wildly and she did not want a bunch of fancy expensive things done and to make sure that my baby brother when he was out of incarceration had money to get back on his feet for a few months, and my sister is doing what she feels is right not what mom wanted and expected of her.

My sister keeps saying mom didn't have much alive so I am going to make sure she has the best now, which is great and I agree w/ her, but this is not what my mom asked for. My moms biggest concern was my brother was coming home soon and my mom passing just a week- 2 weeks prior to him being home that everything was taken care of for him at least for a few months so he could get back up on his feet.

My family couldn't even agree on family and friends at her memorial service and even after telling the Pasteur that my mom was a big people person and loved to be around friends, how important her friends were to her, that 2 of them turned right around said they wanted just the immediate family at the service. It's like they all just forgot who our mom was and how she felt.

Being all my family members but my 2 younger brothers look down on me, because I am divorced and raising my children on my own and they have their wives/husbands and stayed together even though they are not happy I chose a different life, actually more like my mom did, to raise children on our own that I am below them in some manner. Each one acts as if they know what is best. My oldest sister has not spoke to my mom in years but yet was up at the hospital calling the shots and felt she is above all the other 6 of us because she is a receptionist in a doctor office.

Prior to 5 yrs ago I was the one that was w/ my mom the most, helping her in any way I could from taking her to appts, errands, housekeeping or helping her financially. When she was a bartender at a bar I worked w/ her for 6 yrs on her shift because her health was starting to get bad several years ago, I hated the job and wanted to quit, it was interfering w/ my raising my kids, but when I wanted to stop all if it, they got upset w/ me, well I moved away 5 yrs ago and told my siblings that it was time for them to step up to the plate and help mom they all became angry at me, but because a couple of them had to help for 5 yrs vs the 22 yrs I did all the help that I shouldn't have the right to have an opinion w/ this situation in regards to what mom wanted after her death. Why do siblings have to fight at a time like this, shouldn't it be that we all pull together as a family not against one anther?

A long time ago my mom told me that either on her death bed or after her death of what would happen and who would fight w/ who and the strange part is so far she has been right on everything, I brought that up to my siblings and of course they just looked at me like I was crazy, well maybe I am crazy, but one thing is mom was right.....

Old 08-28-2009, 02:52 PM   #6
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Re: family feud after moms death...

Hi dolejay- first my condolances for the loss of your mom. It's difficult losing the one who pulled everything together and it will be difficult for a long time. I lost my mom in 2005 and I totally lost a part of myself when she died.

I could have written your post myself, I was my moms caretaker while my mom was dying. My brothers and sister never came around or called. My aunt (her sister-my mom always told me her sister was a liar) was the benificary because my mom thought I would be too upset and overwhelmed. Well I sure wish I had of taken on because it was a gong show! None of my moms written wishes were adhered to, she did not want an open casket, my mom was an aethist so she did not want a religious funeral, my mom had a gigalo husband who never actually lived with her-he lived in Mexico because my mom set him up with a place down there. That man sure came flying home quick when he was told mom was sick. He wanted it all, and while she was ill he would badger her to cash in more investments etc. Anyway I detested this man. He came home and looked after her for a month and then when she began to get worse he went back to Mexico to water his plants. So my mom stayed with me and I am so glad she did.

I'll get to my point-I loved and respected my mom and told her every day and held her hand as she slipped away. I did not go to fiasco of a funeral that was put on against everything she asked for. My aunt had her in an open casket with a red wig on holding a catholic rosery-remember she was not religious. This was done between gigilo man and aunt with no regard for any input from me. I am so glad I stayed home and went through picture books and thought of life with my mom on my own. As far as I was concerned all the people who were there were the one's who never came around when she was alive but felt the need to respect her in death. It's a crazy mixed up world with too many dictators trying to run everything. You do what you feel is right for you, your mom knows you love her and that respect thing leave it to the no-shows.

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