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    Old 08-31-2009, 01:15 AM   #1
    d3sire
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    Boyfriend's sister...

    About 4 years my boyfriends sister moved out of the family home and into her boyfriends apartment. She came back a year later claiming he was abusing her. It has been over 3 years since she left/had any contact with her 'abuser'. When she first moved back home my boyfriend moved out because he couldn't handle her "episodes" which included her abusing valium, getting drunk every night, physically attacking members of the household (my boyfriend included) and his mothers enabling of this behavior. For 3 years she has these random "attacks" where she will literally fake seizure like convulsions, scream, cry, "faint" (but lands perfectly on something soft), threatens suicide and divulges VERY detailed accounts of the abuse (particularly the sexual stuff) and the bigger the audience the bigger the show. During one of her fits she tried to stab my boyfriend with a nail file because he had had enough of the constant tantrums and pity parties and told her that she needs to cut the crap and she went nuts and tried to stab him. In an effort to calm her down and avoid being stabbed he held her back and ended up being very badly bitten and scratched to the point that he was bleeding. Throughout the day her mother dotes on her ie. rubs her feet, gives her sponge baths, buys her what she asks for etc. She has become her daughters servant and when she is not giving her the attention she wants she has an "attack" and screams things like "you don't know what I have been through". She guilt trips her mother by saying that it was her fault the abuse happened because she let her move in with him (she is a 27 year old woman). Also during her relationship with him she brought him to her mothers house several times for dinners which my boyfriend and I also attended and every time I seen them together she would be all over him sitting on his lap, kissing him etc (which I thought was very inappropriate to do in front of her mother) but there was imo no obvious signs of abuse or any indication that she felt uncomfortable around him.

    Earlier this week my boyfriend moved back home with his mom and sister (trying to save money to buy a house). He was under the impression that his sister had calmed down. His first day back him and I are moving boxes into his new room and his mom comes in and says that his sister (who is in her bedroom feeling sorry for herself) needs to talk to him. She does not once come out of her room to say hello to us but rather 'summons' him to her bedside. He goes in and within minutes I can here her screaming and crying. She is accusing him of not caring about her/loving her etc. and goes on with her famous line "you don't know what I have been through". I can I hear my boyfriend calmly explaining that he does love and care about her but that she needs help etc. etc. She gets hysterical and is demanding that he listen to her story about the abuse she endured, going on to tell him that her ex boyfriend forced her to have anal sex and that she was bleeding afterward etc. (insert VERY descriptive stuff here). My boyfriend tells her that he would prefer not to know the details because he does care about her and that it hurts him to know specifics, he explains that he doesn't know how to help her and that if she wants to to talk about it she needs to see a therapist, he will help her to get help etc. She is screaming back that she doesn't want/need help but what she needs is her "blood" to listen to her and to hear in detail how she was sexually abused so that he can "understand her" and pretty much become servant #2. This goes on for well over 4 hours of her screaming, crying, grabbing on to his legs, threatening suicide, rolling around on the floor etc. all this time she knows that I am in the next room and can hear everything that is going on. In my opinion this is absolutely ridiculous! I understand that sexual assault is life changing, I was raped at age 16 and I know first hand the impact it has on your life. What I don't understand is why she goes around divulging such detail and her need for constant sympathy. Personally I would find it humiliating to give details of my assault, nor do I want to guilt trip sympathy out of my loved ones. I have a younger brother as well and I cannot imagine sitting him down and forcing him to listen to the details of my assault, why would I want to give my little brother a mental vision of his sisters rape? It is just beyond my comprehension. What is also hard to grasp is that she does this stuff out of nowhere, like a sudden need for attention. She willingly works as a cocktail waitress at a strip club, has multiple boyfriends at the moment, including a 40+ year old man that is more like a 'sugar daddy' she has these men sleeping in her bed with her in her mothers house, she is always out with different friends etc. and then when she comes home she has an attack and wants to make them as public as possible. Even before the whole 'abusive relationship' thing she was a little 'off'. She has had multiple plastic surgeries, is obsessed with her appearance (diet/exercise), she has put herself into several thousands of dollars worth of debt buying things she can't afford like a BMW convertible, designer clothes etc. She has always had a thing for making up strange stories, like once we ordered a pizza and she answered the door to pay him and came back bragging about how the pizza guy thought she was super beautiful and gave it to her for free (not true), or how a man in a grocery store offered her $10,000 for a pair of her underwear, just these really strange lies about how men love her/want her/think she is beautiful.

    She has been doing this daily for 3 years, his mother isn't doing anything but enabling by sitting by her bed, massaging her and supplying her with the liquor she says she needs to "numb the pain". I know her fathers side has a history of schizophrenia, his mother (boyfriends grandmother) had it and it is very likely that the father is schizophrenic himself, does this sound like an onset of schizophrenia? Is this just her way of dealing with something traumatic? I understand that people deal with things differently but I find this hard to believe... I was reading a bit about borderline personality disorder and I couldn't help but notice that she displays a lot of the characteristics of someone with BPD.... My boyfriend really doesn't know what to do... she absolutely refuses any outside help... she is destroying his mother who now also sits around and drinks all day from the stress and guilt she is feeling.. my boyfriend can't take it and after living there a day is looking for a new place... I suggested that next time she has an "episode" that he call 911 and have someone come and asses her since she threatens suicide and often gets physically violent but I am pretty convinced that once they got there she would just pull her innocent, depressed, rape victim act... My boyfriend seems to be the only one in his family with any sense, who recognizes that she needs help.. everyone else is too busy feeling sorry for her.... I don't really know what I hope to accomplish by posting this... maybe some thoughts on why she is doing this? How to get her help??

     
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    Old 08-31-2009, 02:59 AM   #2
    AnnD
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    Re: Boyfriends sister....

    No one can help her and your boyfriend should leave home and never go back...not even for holidays. Sister sounds like someone that wouldn't know the truth if it slapped her in the face. She sounds like someone that has a serious drug problem(alcohol is a drug) or she has some serious mental health issues. What mom does is of course sad to hear however nothing anyone can do about that...she tolerates her because it is easier than the alternative. I would recommend your boyfriend never allow her to keep him 'hostage' while she rambles on and to listen to her babbling for 4 hours is just as crazy as she is...and it is enabling her to be 'crazy'. I am guessing her boyfriend left her and I would guess all her detailed descriptive escapades are all a figment of her imagination. Everyone thinks just because someone threatens suicide then you must do something...the only thing that should be done is to call the police and let them handle her and they can get her into a mental health system. Those that are serious about suicide just do it...they don't talk about it they just do it but nevertheless for her i wouldn't respond in anyway other than to call police. Both of you just need to keep away from her and be quite honest with her telling her that until she gets mental health treatment you can't be around her because she is too unpredictable. No telling what is wrong with her...either drugs or mental health issues but everyone should simply be honest with her and keep her at arms length and tell her the truth of what you think and feel about her...then you will be helping her by giving her honest feedback on her behavior. But of course if she is right there with you and she might stab or harm you in some way then you say nothing and leave as quickly as possible. And if she does assault anyone sister or no sister...they should call police so she can get help. Good luck.

     
    Old 08-31-2009, 11:48 AM   #3
    d3sire
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    Re: Boyfriends sister....

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AnnD View Post
    Those that are serious about suicide just do it...they don't talk about it they just do it but nevertheless for her i wouldn't respond in anyway other than to call police.
    Thanks for your thoughts.

    I absolutely agree with this, and neither myself nor my boyfriend believe that she is actually suicidal. She goes so far as to when my boyfriend will walk away from her she will follow him around the house threatening to kill herself because he doesn't care about her (because he doesn't want to listen to it). It is all a selfish ploy for attention and we seem to be the only ones that can see through it. While I understand that I cannot do anything for his mother, it drives me insane that she is so blind to it. During her moving day tantrum my boyfriends mother is sitting in the next room with me telling me how her daughter has been through so much how this man abused her sexually, mentally and physically and how she has "flashbacks" and that my boyfriend needs to understand this and be more "supportive" of his sister.

    He is already in the process of seeking out new living arrangements but it is difficult with the recession, his hours have been cut back at work and he isn't making the money he was. He thought that it would be a good idea to move back home, save some money and maybe buy a house in the next few years but to do so he will have to give up his sanity. The whole situation is just very frustrating. When he first moved out because of this he had no family support at all and it was deeply troubling for him to have no contact with mother or sister (who he once had a decent relationship with).

    I know this may sound selfish but this whole thing worries me too. I have been with him for 5 years, I love him very much but his family situation is a lot to take on... The mental instability of his sister and father (who pretty much does the same things as his sister but is now living in another country) and his mothers alcoholism has got me thinking about what if him and I have children... I love him and would love to some day marry and have children with him but am I messing up the gene pool so to speak? If we have children will they inherit whatever mental disorder his father and sister seem to have? Will my very normal, calm, loving boyfriend someday display these traits?? It would kill me to end things with my boyfriend because of his family and with no family support I feel that he needs me... I don't want to walk away from him... but I can't say that it doesn't worry me... I also think that if we do have children I would NEVER want to subject them to this, I sat there for 4 hours in that nut house and my nerves were jumping all over the place, I think of myself as a rather mentally sound individual but after leaving there I could have used a stiff drink myself to calm my nerves. It wouldn't really be fair of me though to ask my boyfriend never to see his family again...

     
    Old 08-31-2009, 12:31 PM   #4
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    Re: Boyfriends sister....

    next time she throws a fit and threatens suicide, call 911.....they have to take her away for evaluation if she does this....she is a threat to herself. Maybe that will either get her the help she needs, or at least teach her not to cry wolf. I agree with Ann.....bro needs to get out and don't look back....that's a madhouse and moving back in voluntarily is insane.

     
    Old 09-01-2009, 07:41 PM   #5
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    Re: Boyfriends sister....

    This sounds VERY MUCH like BPD, and a little like someone with Histrionic traits. When I was reading your post, I was thinking "borderline..." the whole time before I even came to your mention of it. She may be able to get some help, but this is not a very treatable disorder. It does not sound like schizophrenia. It is also unlikely that your boyfriend's mother will change either. As for your boyfriend, it depends on how old he is, but if he is in his late 20s and hasn't shown symptoms like this yet, he is probably okay. HOWEVER, you need to realize that this family is totally messed up and if you stay with him, you are staying with his family. Unless he is totally willing to draw the line with his family and suffer the consequences, you will likely have to put up with them forever if you get married. You can insulate yourself somewhat, but you won't be able to completely avoid them. Mental illness does have some genetic component, but something like a personality disorder is not usually purely a genetic issue.

    I would have a very long talk with your boyfriend about what you can/will tolerate and what you won't (in terms of his family). Encourage him to never indulge his sister by paying attention to her drama. If he ignores it, she will likely step it up quite a bit because there is nothing a drama queen hates more than to be ignored, but he reinforces her behavior every time he pays attention to her when she is acting out.

    It is true that victims of trauma can experience long-lasting effects. However, her behavior does not sounds like that of a typical trauma sufferer (as you attest to). Most of us want to avoid talking about the details, rather than broadcast it.

     
    Old 09-04-2009, 02:55 AM   #6
    d3sire
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    Re: Boyfriends sister....

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Toonces1 View Post
    This sounds VERY MUCH like BPD, and a little like someone with Histrionic traits. When I was reading your post, I was thinking "borderline..." the whole time before I even came to your mention of it. She may be able to get some help, but this is not a very treatable disorder. It does not sound like schizophrenia. It is also unlikely that your boyfriend's mother will change either. As for your boyfriend, it depends on how old he is, but if he is in his late 20s and hasn't shown symptoms like this yet, he is probably okay. HOWEVER, you need to realize that this family is totally messed up and if you stay with him, you are staying with his family. Unless he is totally willing to draw the line with his family and suffer the consequences, you will likely have to put up with them forever if you get married. You can insulate yourself somewhat, but you won't be able to completely avoid them. Mental illness does have some genetic component, but something like a personality disorder is not usually purely a genetic issue.

    I would have a very long talk with your boyfriend about what you can/will tolerate and what you won't (in terms of his family). Encourage him to never indulge his sister by paying attention to her drama. If he ignores it, she will likely step it up quite a bit because there is nothing a drama queen hates more than to be ignored, but he reinforces her behavior every time he pays attention to her when she is acting out.
    I wasn't familiar with Histrionic personality disorder until you mentioned it, but after having done some reading I am pretty convinced this is what she has. The excessive concern with her physical appearance, the exaggerated emotions, inappropriate sexual behavior and the constant need for attention are all checks with her. I also found it interesting that with HPD dissolved romantic relationships often lead to depression which seems to have been the trigger with her. I am almost doubting that she ever was abused. She was very much in love with this guy, going so far as to having has name tattooed on her body and bragging to anyone who would listen about the big storybook wedding they were going to have, when the relationship ended she lost it... Of course I am not a doctor by any means but it makes the most sense to me.. My boyfriends father absolutely has some kind of mental illness, quite possibly a personality disorder. He makes up stories about having mob connections, being a professional soccer player, owning different businesses etc. I know their childhood was anything but ideal, their father had extremely high expectations of them and beat them when they couldn't live up to them. He also drove my boyfriends sister (the main subject of my post) to a strip club on her 18th birthday and told her to get a job which probably contributes to her overtly sexual personality and extreme concern with physical appearances..

    I absolutely acknowledge that this is not a normal/healthy family.. it really worries me... I definitley think him and I need to talk about this further... I am not sure I can handle this crap for a lifetime.. nor as I said before would I ever want to subject children to this...

    Anyways thanks for your thoughts.. you have given me a lot to think about...

     
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