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    Old 09-07-2009, 10:45 PM   #1
    t0ri111
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    My ex is confusing me.

    To make a long story short, my ex dumped me in late Feb. after over two years of dating. We're 22, and each other's "first loves" and everything else, although I had been in previous relationships and he hadn't. After dumping me, he comes back 3 weeks later and we begin talks of "slow reconciliation." He claimed he wanted to take things slow, start fresh and forget the past, and work on our problems that he FINALLY communicated to me AFTER dumping me. He didn't want to "officially date," just yet, but wanted some months to give our relationship a break. Things were going really well, so I thought, but a month later - he ends things for good. He told me he wanted me out of his life for good, started partying a whole bunch, basically explored every available option of the single life, I guess?

    I'd also like to add that while we were supposedly "slowly reconciling," he claimed he "kind of wanted me to get pregnant again." (I miscarried a year ago). He told me if I got pregnant again, we'd HAVE to get back together officially. I found this to be incredibly bizarre as we were absolutely NOT in any way, shape, or form prepared to raise a child. What is up with him saying that!?

    Fast forward three months after that. We had zero contact. Then out of the blue, he texts me apologizing for hurting me and acting so horribly since he promised that would never happen. I respond, and he then begins small talk...catching up a bit. A month after this, he contacts me a second time, the day after my birthday to wish me a happy belated birthday. I ignored his text. This was 2 weeks ago, and he text me a third time today. He text me hi, I didn't respond because I was sleeping. Then he sent another one telling me he was just thinking about me and thought he'd say hi, see how I'm doing. I reply and the small talk begins again - with him asking me questions about classes I'm taking, whether I'm working, tells me some new things about him, etc. The conversation ended when he asked what I was doing, and asked him as well. Every time we've had contact (all initiated by him, mind you), we've never spoken of missing each other, about our relationship, getting back together, nothing of the sort. I've forgiven him for breaking my heart, and he knows this. Should I not be responding to his texts?

    Is he just trying to keep tabs on my life? Does he miss me? Since he originally told me he wanted to be on a break for awhile, and then get back together...I can't help wondering if he's working his way back into my life - or if his texting me is simple curiosity. During that month of reconciling, he told me his best friend told him he needed to either marry me, or dump me - considering we've been together for over 2 years (what's with the 2 year mark, btw?). And he dumped me. I have no idea whether that has anything to do with him actually ending it, but I'm still so confused as to why he suddenly was over our relationship. I get the feeling he wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side, since he had nothing to compare me to, having only had me as a lover, girlfriend, etc.

    And each time we've talked, he has told me things that I had wished he'd do while we dated - like he quite smoking pot and cigarettes, is taking school seriously, etc. It's like he's shoving it in my face, or bragging. This probably sounds like I want him back...and I would take him back if he had changed his ways. But I'd NEVER pursue him...he'd have to earn his way back into my life.

    Sorry for the length... Thoughts anyone?

    Last edited by t0ri111; 09-07-2009 at 10:55 PM.

     
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    Old 09-08-2009, 06:11 AM   #2
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    Re: My ex is confusing me.

    I don't see the point of talking to him. I also never understood people who get back together with ex's. That rarely ever works out. If you werte smart you would keep him at a distance and tell him flat out you're not interested in another relationship with him.

    I know you're just going to do what you want but if you get back with him he will hurt you again. There's no way this guy has changed since you guys broke up. He is full of it!

    There's nothing confusing about what he is doing. He is just bored and wants attention for his ego so he calls you and bs's his way back into your life. Those times of no contact when you didn't hear from him? He was with another girl. If he says he wasn't he's lying.

    Bottom line is that he is you ex and needs to stay that way unless you want to get hurt again.

     
    Old 09-08-2009, 10:34 AM   #3
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    Re: My ex is confusing me.

    Tori...I had an ex who I stopped seeing because he lied and cheated on me. After I left him, he tried for 5 whole years to get me back. He swore he changed, finally "realized what he had", loved me sooo much, begged and begged for another chance. So finally, he caught me at a weak time, and I agreed to get back together. Guess what he did the second time? Lied and cheated on me!

    This guy has jerked you around long enough. You need to stop letting him.
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    Old 09-08-2009, 10:40 AM   #4
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    Re: My ex is confusing me.

    You're harboring hope that he has really changed and wants you back. As long as you are hanging onto that hope, it's very unhealthy for you to be in contact with him. This is just my personal opinion, but I have never seen a man change that much. He is and will always be the same guy who dumped you twice. Why are you hoping to give him a third opportunity to dump you? Are you really that masochistic?

    Once you get to a point where you are no longer hoping, no longer thinking at ALL about getting back together with him, then it would be ok to be on a friendly basis, but this is just messing with your head. Most women think in the back of their minds "If I break off all contact, I'll lose him forever!!" But lose what, really? Some guy who can't make up his mind, some guy who is flaky and who has never really stood by you, who wants you pregnant with his child one minute, and is kicking you out of his life the next? How exactly are you benefiting, how is your life being enriched or made stronger or better by having this guy keeping you on a string?

    He had you twice. He threw you away with both hands both times. Is this what a man does when he's really in love?

     
    Old 09-08-2009, 11:46 AM   #5
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    Re: My ex is confusing me.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    who wants you pregnant with his child one minute, and is kicking you out of his life the next?

    He had you twice. He threw you away with both hands both times. Is this what a man does when he's really in love?
    Absolutely true. I need to keep reminding myself of this. It's strange how you have the ability to only remember the good things once a relationship ends.

    Redneon, I remember your story. Yours and my relationship with our ex's ended around the same time. 5 years later and he was the same cheating, lying, jerk? Well that kills most of the hope I had that my ex would change.

    Kszan, I know he "hooked up" with a girl for awhile, which shocked me because frankly, he's not one to "pull" girls. It was nothing serious...but you're right. He was with her when he wanted nothing to do with me. I didn't really care, because I was thinking, "Go ahead...date other people and you'll find out what a mistake it was to leave me." Maybe a little too arrogant of me. He has no idea I know about this skank he was/is hooking up with/hanging out/whatever.

    Now, he wants to barge back into my life whenever he pleases? Who does he think he is!? Jeez. One day, I'm secretly hoping he wants me back and analyzing why he texts me, and the next day I'm furious that he'd even have the nerve to text me and act like we're old friends or something!

    Someone told me today that when you have no love-life in your life, you'd rather settle for crappy (or fake) love, than no love at all. I think that's my case, and I think I need to work on building my self-esteem up and never let it depend on how 1, or many, people think of me.

     
    Old 09-11-2009, 08:50 AM   #6
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    Re: My ex is confusing me.

    Wow Tori...sorry about what you're going through.

    I kind of went through something similar. I'm actually going through it (sort of) right now.

    BELIEVE what these other ladies on this board are telling you. Trust me. I learned things the hard way. Leave your ex alone.

    He's already dumped you twice, and I'm sorry...but a guy who is "in love" with a woman does NOT dump her. He'd be too afraid that she would be swept up by another guy! Even if he had to dump her for "valid" reasons (his life is crazy, his busy busy BUSY schedule doesn't allow him to have a good relationship, still in school, etc.) he would be upfront and HONEST with you and would let you know that the only reason why you guys needed to take a break was because things were too crazy right now.

    But this guy is just basically feeding you crumbs, and sad to say...but you're eating them up.

    For one thing:

    -Don't respond to his text messages. I don't care what they are about. Don't respond for a good while. Why, you may ask?? Simple: If a man is really SERIOUS about reconciling with you, he will CALL you. It's as simple as that. He won't resort to keeping you at an arm's length distance with text messages. Ugh! That's why I HATE text messaging these days! It has (sad to say) made some men LAZY!

    -Get ON with your life. Take up a hobby, hang out with friends, exercise, eat right, take some classes, do volunteer work, go out and allow new guys to meet you, etc. Just do ANYTHING but worry about your ex and what he's doing and how he feels about you. Trust me, if he wants you back, YOU will know. There won't be any doubt. He will be direct and honest with you.

    -Keep the "No Contact" spree going. Don't contact your ex for ANY reason at all! Trust me, this is the best thing to do while you heal.

    It's going to take a while before you heal from this breakup. Trust me, it's taken me many MANY months, and I'm STILL having a hard time on some days. So, don't feel bad if you still think about him from time to time. Just try not to.

    Remember: Guys ALWAYS come back. They always try to come back and "see how you're doing", or some other crap like that. I think they're either just curious or don't want to be made to look like the "bad guy". But again...if a guy wants to get back with you, he will SAY so. He will DO things that SHOW you that he wants to get back with you (ie. call you, tell you his intentions, bring you flowers, ask you out on a date, etc.). So, please don't take his text messages as anything but him simply being bored. Right now he doesn't seem to be in the right frame of mind to be dating anyone right now.

    Don't feel bad....just move on and remember that there is a BETTER guy out there who will really love and care for you. One that will NOT dump you twice or keep you hanging.

     
    Old 09-11-2009, 10:11 AM   #7
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    Re: My ex is confusing me.

    Awesome advice Sweet. I agree 100%.

    Tori, he's probably between "hookups" and just thought he'd see what you're up to, since he knows how totally crazy in love with him you are, and how you've been doing nothing but sitting by your phone waiting for him to contact you so you can rush over and give him whatever it is he's wanting...yeah right! You are NOT doing that! Show him that you are not his "backup plan" when he's bored or lonely or horny or whatever. You deserve to be someone's Number One, not just a name on some loser's list to call when he has nothing better to do.
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    Old 09-11-2009, 06:06 PM   #8
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    Re: My ex is confusing me.

    Thanks Sweet Chic! Very good post. Really sound advice has been given to me on this thread and I'm really going to listen to it... so thanks for replying everyone.

    The day after I posted here, he text me again. I had told him on Monday that I was going to a concert on Thursday and asked if he'd be there because I couldn't remember if he liked that band, and I did NOT want to run into him. He said he kinda likes them, but he has to work that day so won't make it. Then Tuesday, he texts me again asking if that concert is that night (I had just TOLD him the day before, he could look back at his texts or find out another way). I tell him that it's on Thursday and ask why? He says he was thinking of going but didn't know if he could get off work! I could not believe he would even consider going where he knew I would be! Then he started small talk - asking how my night is going, and such.

    Needless to say, I did NOT go to that concert. I wasn't about to risk running into him. I haven't heard from him since, and if I do, I'm without a doubt going to IGNORE him. I am getting on with my life. I just really can't believe he'd go to that concert knowing I'd be there when he only "kind of" likes them. Maybe that was a lie just to spark conversation with me on Tuesday... who knows.

    Redneon, I sure hope he doesn't assume I'm sitting here pining over him, although that's true. The mere fact I responded to him and was friendly probably gave him some sort of an ego boost. But you're right! I'm not his "backup plan" and I won't be there to "chat it up with" or give him what he needs when he's bored or needs an ego stroke... whatever the deal is. Back to NO CONTACT it is.

     
    Old 09-14-2009, 12:36 AM   #9
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    Re: My ex is confusing me.

    Redneon, may I ask if you've healed from what happened between you and your ex? You broke up with him around the time that my ex and I broke up, so I was just curious...because I'm still not over everything This is my first serious heartbreak, though.

    A friend of a friend was IM'ing my ex today, asked if he was still dating me, and my ex replied, "hell to the F NO!" The guy asked him what happened, and my ex told him that I "turned out to be crazy" and gave an example of how the last time we hung out, I "flipped out" because his friend was inviting girls over to hang out and I was there, which is not true! I got upset because he was MAKING ME LEAVE because some girls were coming over to his apartment... does that make me crazy? He ended things for the 2nd time the day after that incident. Now I find myself looking back at our relationship at any mistake I made and I'm blaming myself for him walking away from me The guy told my ex he was surprised we broke up because he thought we'd marry each other - my ex replied, "thank god that's not happening." Ouch. The guy said his recent ex and his relationship ended because the relationship just ran it's course, and that when people date for so long it's just over sometimes... and my ex said, "ya that's where we were at." I've never gotten an exact reason for him dumping me except that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

    Anyway, this was really painful to hear... especially since he's badmouthing me saying I'm crazy yet earlier this week he was texting me trying to be friendly!! This is just more incentive for me to never speak to him again... but it's still very painful and I'm getting nervous it's going to take me much longer to get over him. I want to be past this pain and the mere thought of him so badly.

    Last edited by t0ri111; 09-14-2009 at 12:40 AM.

     
    Old 09-14-2009, 06:13 AM   #10
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    Re: My ex is confusing me.

    Wow, harsh! What a jerk! Be glad you're not stuck with a guy who feels that way about you! He's just a two-faced jerk who dumped you without telling you why, who keeps doing the push pull thing with you and gets your hopes up repeatedly only to disappoint you repeatedly and now he is talking smack about you behind your back and faking being nice to your face and you're STILL blaming yourself?!! Are you serious?!?

    Look, the guy is nothing to lose sleep over! You're not missing out by not being with him anymore! Be happy that you're not with a guy like that who wasn't being honest about his true feelings toward you. I agree it hurts to hear that from him but it should also help you feel good about being free of him.

    You need to seriously knock that guy off the pedastal you have him on because he doesn't deserve to be up there! It's not like you lost a great guy who who was your best friend that you could grow old with. He was NOT that guy, so you lost nothing except a crappy relationship with a two faced jerk. How is that a bad thing? Be glad you're rid of him! Throw a party to celebrate your freedom from a guy like that!

     
    Old 09-14-2009, 10:20 AM   #11
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    Re: My ex is confusing me.

    Tori, to answer your question...I no longer want to be with him. I do still think about him, and occasionally dream about him (grrr), but I definitely wouldn't have him back on a platter. He's a liar, a cheater, he hides things then gets angry when he gets found out, he said some terrible things to me all while pretending it hurt him terribly to say those things to me...then he has the nerve to tell other people he still loves me! And he's living with his nephew's former fiancee! AND he had the nerve to start calling me again under some ridiculous pretenses, but I put a stop to that. I do not feel any sadness, I'm not depressed and I don't wish things happened differently because I wouldn't have left him and instead would have endured more years of misery. Because to be honest, I wasn't happy with him. I bet you weren't happy with your ex either.

    Kszan is right, this guy does not deserve you missing him, or thinking you did something wrong, or well if I only did this, or didn't do that, or said this or didn't say that...nothing you said, didn't say, did or didn't do changes the fact that your ex is a user, a liar, a trash-talker...why would you want that? You need to get into your head that nothing you did made this guy the way he is, he's just that way and you are lucky you didn't waste more time on him. And absolutely do NOT give him another chance, sleep with him hoping it will make him want you back, talk to him, read his texts, etc. The only way to heal is NO CONTACT! And that means none, I don't care if he calls or texts 100 times a day, ignore him! You never will heal unless you ignore him.
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