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reba423 09-09-2009 09:17 PM

guys more into their friends than girlfriend
What do you all think about guys who seem obsessed with their friends? I've started dating a new guy, we've been dating almost 2 months. It's been great but a little weird and different for me. Our first date was dinner and he immediately asked me to have dinner with him at his friends house 2 days later, then a few more dinners and then a lot of dates with his friends. A weekend away together just the two of us and then a weekend away together at his friends' home. I love when guys have tons of friends, I think that men with a lot of friends means confidence and is such a positive thing. This is a very social guy. He's 43 , never married and has told me that he is now looking for his life partner and wants to get married and have a child. That his previous relationships never worked out because he wasn't ready or he had to travel a lot and go overseas. Isn't it weird to tell someone this upfront? Yet I know full well that if I was to state to him upfront well I'm looking for a committment and would eventually like to get remarried, he'd probably freak, especially when we are only 2 months into this.

i love that he has so many friends but he seems more comfortable with friends then with intimacy. He's everyone's best friend, all of his close friends are married couples and he's invited to all of their events, so now he has me to bring. He's an uncle to all of their children and now he wants his own. It seems he can never be alone and he can never not make a plan months in advance, he's so booked. he told me that this is the problem whenever he starts a new relationship, that he's not a guy to sit around and do nothing and he occupies all of his time but that he will slowly be integrating me into his life, and he is, but it is slow and i have to almost book time with him in advance. He wants to meet my friends, but he's always booked, he's obsessed with friends . He has a decent relationship with his parents but doesn't appear particularly close. I feel insecure that I don't have tons and tons of friends and am not always booked like he is, I dont' even want that.

It's too early for me to say too much. He always books a day with me here and there, and he wants to make plans to travel with me this winter but several things are worrying me and I'm scared to invest too much emotion in to this. So far my schedule has been flexible but it's about to get crazy with my own work, social and family demands, here are my worries;

-he can't ever seem to be alone
-he never asks me what i want out of a relationship, he never asks me much, mostly defines things by what he wants
-He can't climax from regular sex, he requires excessive stimulation but he's highly sexual
-when we go out with his couple friends, he always flirts with the wife and he's pretty non-threatening so no one minds, except me!
-he never stops making sexual jokes
-he can't seem to just be alone with me unless we are planning an activity or to go away somewhere
-I feel like i have to pass a test with his friends, that he can't just feel that I'm great w/o friends' endorsement
-today we are walking to dinner behind his friends and he says if we put our incomes together we'd be formidable, which is true, when I make jokes about the things we could buy, he says, well I want a kid you know, totally out of context and inappropriate.

I like him, these things don't bother me yet, but based on my experience dating men, they are red flags and I don't know how to react, if I should bring some of these things up, if I should date other men, I'm not sure he's right for me because these things make me feel awkward but he's fine, I enjoy his company and Im very attracted to him, and I like his friends.

Is this a worrisome pattern? Should I be on guard or just let things ride out?

Kszan 09-10-2009 04:44 AM

Re: guys more into their friends than girlfriend
I think he sounds really immature for a 43 year old. He sounds like he says and does thinks my little 24 year old brother would be saying and doing!

I also think you need to trust your instinct. Your gut is telling you something isn't right, then something surely isn't right. Those concerns you have are there for a reason, and you need to pay attention. Especially when it comes to a relationship. People who ignore those red flags are the ones who end up miserable.

Go with your gut. This guy is immature and I say no wonder he's not married! Who'd want to marry a guy like that?

pendulum 09-10-2009 05:07 AM

Re: guys more into their friends than girlfriend
Yes, I can agree that he sounds immature, but I should think his main characteristic is being "diffused".

He is all over the place, in all directions, scattered, so to say. Apparently he can't focus, he can't concentrate. He is too volatile.

If your description is accurate, then I wouldn't even want this type as a friend, but what do I know?

rosequartz 09-10-2009 07:40 AM

Re: guys more into their friends than girlfriend
I'm sorry, but just from what you've said......I don't like the guy.....
he's a little creepy and obnoxious......
self-centered, insecure, needs constant admiration from others.....
can you say narcississsst????
don't waste your time....he can't give you what you want....

Redneon82 09-10-2009 09:43 AM

Re: guys more into their friends than girlfriend
As for the zillions of friends and constantly surrounding himself with people, sounds like he maybe doesnt like himself much so he doesn't like to be alone. Again, my ex is like that. Can't stand to be alone so he always has people over to distract himself.

My relationship obviously didn't work out. He had too many issues for it to work. Oh, and he also cheated on me because I work and have a child and I couldn't be there 24/7 keeping him company, so he HAD to cheat to fill in the time when I wasn't there. Walk carefully with this one.

Larrylou'smom 09-10-2009 11:11 AM

Re: guys more into their friends than girlfriend
Based just on what you've said here, reba, he does sound very ego-centric and self involved, and really not all that into you. It seems to be all about what he wants. And yes, he does sound rather sexually dysfunctional as well. He wants a child, eh? Well, how is that going to happen if he can't climax with you? If you're wondering if that seems strange, the answer is yes, very.

I'm beginning to see why he's never married. How can he bond with a woman, form a deep and abiding emotional intimacy with her if he's never alone with her? My ex relationship was far from perfect, but the greatest moments in it were just the two of us, sitting on the couch holding hands, watching videos or listening to music and just talking. To my mind, without that, you don't have a whole lot.

trystme 09-10-2009 12:33 PM

Re: guys more into their friends than girlfriend
I was going to say what Larrylou'smom said. It is going to be rather difficult to have children if he can't climax from regular sex. I guess that it is a good thing that his income is up because he needs to start saving for the IVF treatments. lol

Seriously though, something doesn't seem right about him, there are red flags all over the place and you see them.

reba423 09-10-2009 01:29 PM

Re: guys more into their friends than girlfriend
Yes Larrylou's Mom that's how I feel. At first I was excited about going away with him, making plans to go out with his friends all of the time, but I think the best part of a relationship is when you can just be alone together and just be. I just don't need so much outside stimulation, I love being in a relationship and just living my life with someone by my side, I don't always need to be around people, sometimes I like to just do things by myself. We are getting more comfortable but we are not really growing closer because we don't have much intimate time together and we don't talk much about intimate issues. For him to just keep bringing up the baby thing and talk about how much he wants to get married and have a child but not trying to connect with me makes me feel like he's just trying to fill a space with the idea of what he wants and not get to know me nor love me. I' d like him to one day ask me if I want the same as him, he never even asks.

rosequartz 09-10-2009 02:08 PM

Re: guys more into their friends than girlfriend
I wonder if he's not completely straight and his desire to have a child is to hide that fact

reba423 09-10-2009 02:25 PM

Re: guys more into their friends than girlfriend
You know Rose Quartz, I swear he makes my gaydar go off slightly. All his friends wives are so comfortable with him as he is with them, there's no sexual tension there. And he does this funny thing with his hand when he's making a point that's slightly feminine. sometimes I wonder if bisexual men or men who haven't come out yet act overly sexual and dirty to hide their sexuality? Ugh, I don't know.

rosequartz 09-10-2009 02:28 PM

Re: guys more into their friends than girlfriend
your gut is telling you something......
don't waste any more time with him.....

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