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  • PLEASE HELP!! I am engaged and in love with someone else! Thank You!

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    Old 09-15-2009, 04:27 PM   #1
    anonymous8767's Avatar
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    Question PLEASE HELP!! I am engaged and in love with someone else! Thank You!

    Okay, I don’t know where to begin. I have been with my fiancÚ for almost 9 years, I am 22 now and we started dating when we were 13. It was amazing all around and I thought it was love for the long run. We did everything together I mean everything, we did not go to parties or drink or anything in high school we stuck together, so now we really don’t have any friends do to the fact we were stupid and left everyone else behind us because all we needed was each other. So, in Nov08 before we got engaged she told me she was kissing someone else, and we fought I was upset for a while but I got over it so I thought. So, a couple months later I asked her to marry me because I knew there was no one else for me, and I figured it would help me get over her cheating. We didn’t always have the best of a relationship. She is very vocal and likes to yell a lot and call me names. She gets mad very easily and likes to make me feel little I guess you could put it. I am like a hermit, I do not like to yell and scream and I am always the one asking her not to yell, well its gotten to a point where there was physical violence once, so I left to clear my head and when I returned she was ****** because I always run away from my problems. I am not a saint by any means but I do not ever yell or scream or lay a hand on her EVER, and its gotten to a point where I get criticized for everything. My family hates her because they know the way she is and treats me, but she does have another side to her, she is not always like that.

    I have worked with girl #2 for 4 years and went to hs with her as well but never really paid any attention to her, so she was always in the picture. One day she came into work and said she had a dream about me and it lead to being emotionally attached to her, and we were both in relationships at this time she was in a physically abusive relationship where she was hit and cheated on all the time but she has a daughter by her x-bf now so she always thought it was right to stay until she finally grew enough balls to leave because I backed her up 100% and made her realize how bad it was. So, for the year we have been talking we have been seeing each other at work everyday and just got really close to the point now where I cant get her out of my mind and it has been like this for months now. I can tell her anything she is the total opposite of my fiancÚ she is just like me, she loves sports, just everything I enjoy. I genuinely can spend forever with her and not 2nd guess a thing. The way she makes me feel is speechless. But she wanted to stop talking to me because she said she has waited long enough for me and she cant wait anymore for her happiness, she is completely crushed and hurt because of me still staying with my fiancÚ after all she does to me and the way she treats me.

    The twist is, I live with my fiancÚ and we have a son together who is my world and I can not live without, and that’s where idk what to do. My fiancÚ flat out told me if it wasn’t for our son we would not be together, so we both still stay there for our son and always try to make it work but it always comes back to the point where we don’t know what to do and we are comfortable with each other so we stay. We have discussed custody of my son which will be 50/50 split already and no court involved, I can go back and live with my mom but she has no where to go. I told her she could keep everything and I will help her pay the rent so she has a place to stay. But, i still feel guilty leaving her alone and leaving my son and our little family behind. I feel like I am leaving for the wrong reasons and not giving it a fair chance. My mom says it’s better to just leave now before he gets older and realizes his mommy and daddy are breaking up. I really don’t know what to do here im in such a bad spot. I really need someone’s help what do I do, I know what I need to do and is best for my son, but I cant just leave her alone after so long I cant i dont know what to do, she even told me she wanted out but we dont know how we can go through with it after so long and we are basically staying together for our son…..

    Last edited by anonymous8767; 09-15-2009 at 05:36 PM. Reason: added some info

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    Old 09-15-2009, 05:25 PM   #2
    niknak77's Avatar
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    Re: PLEASE HELP!! I am engaged and comp. in love with someone else! Thank You!

    Do not stay for your son, that is simply an excuse not to leave. Trust me, it will only get worse and then your son will have the guilt & burden of your unhappiness to bear because you stayed for him. Leave now and be happy. Give your son a good example of what a healthy and happy relationship is, even if it is not with his mother. It will be better for all three of you if you leave now. Good luck to you all.

    Old 09-15-2009, 06:36 PM   #3
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    Re: PLEASE HELP!! I am engaged and in love with someone else! Thank You!

    I've said it time and time again...staying "for the kids" so often just ruins the kids! My parents stayed together "for the kids" and we got to witness them physically fighting, yelling at one another, being rude and inconsiderate to one another, and eventually basically dividing the house in half, mom in her bedroom and dad in the living room. And if one of us kids went into the living room to hang out with dad, mom got mad and vice versa. Let me tell you, it was a horrible way to live. My brothers and I were so, so relieved when they finally divorced!

    I too am divorced and have a son. He has 2 peaceful, happy homes to go to instead of one tension-filled, miserable home where dad didn't speak to mom for upwards of a week. And if you think you can fool your son into thinking everything's fine and dandy between you and his mom, you are dead wrong. The kids ALWAYS know the truth, no matter how good you think you are at hiding it.

    Forget the other woman for now, she's just your escape route from your unhappy situation. Think about you and your son's and your son's mother's happiness and worry about finding someone new when everything settles down.
    "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

    Old 09-15-2009, 08:19 PM   #4
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    Re: PLEASE HELP!! I am engaged and in love with someone else! Thank You!

    It sounds as if you have grown out of this relationship, and considering the young ages you both were to start with, makes this all the more understandable.

    Before you can even entertain this new relationship, you need to focus on your first obligation, and that is to your child's well being. I agree with the others, that a child living in turmoil is not being protected enough, and you and your gf need to make new arrangements for his well being.

    The second relationship cannot be considered until the first one is addressed, and dealt with.

    Old 09-15-2009, 10:22 PM   #5
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    Re: PLEASE HELP!! I am engaged and in love with someone else! Thank You!

    I have to agree. 9 years sounds like a long time, but if you were both children at the time, it hardly counts. And people grow up so differently, so quickly. You and your fiance don't sound suited to each other, and you are too young to be caught in a relationship you hate for the rest of your life. Respect this new woman, yourself, and your fiance by leaving. You can still be a part of your kid's life, and I agree with Redneon, staying in a marriage only for the children is a terrible idea. My parents split up before I was old enough to remember, and I am GLAD they did. They practically killed each other the two hours a year they had to spend together; I'd hate to think of what my childhood would have been like had they LIVED together! And never having had my parents together, of course I don't feel like I missed anything grow up. I don't get what the big deal about cohabitating parents is supposed to be.

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