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SincerelyC 10-07-2009 10:11 PM

My boyfriend has anger issues
 
I know a lot of people get really mad and yell but my boyfriend either gets scary after a little time went by in the argument or he is getting straight to it. Even if the reason we are fighting is my fault sometimes is it ok? He tells me i make him that way. He yells, swears, breaks things, gets in my face, does all these hand gestures, and then his parents wake up and get into our business. It's so humiliating. He really scares me when he gets like this. Everyone handles things differently but this just doesn't sit right with me. I feel like he is going to hit me one day. I don't want to lose him because he is great when he isn't like that. People say it's normal for couples to fight and yell but is THIS normal? He was never like this until a few months into the relationship. We are almost a year. He was the sweetest thing. He hates when i say i miss how things used to be and he tells me to stop all the time when i say maybe we just are not for eachother. I care about him a lot, i do, but i can't take this happening! Not even once in a while. He knows how he is. He will apologize later or something. I can't even get in the car with him when he is angry. I'm scared for my life. He will yell till he loses his voice and swirve. He will drive right past my neighborhood and we will drive till the crack of dawn till he feels like things are resolved when really i just want to go home. I will beg him to take me home and threatened to call the police to get me. He says i make things worse. If i do, leave me right? He says there is more good then bad but i honestly disagree. I have decided not to go to his house because of the scenes he causes when we fight. He says that is dumb. I just feel so mortified when his parents wake up, text him, or yell to take me home. I just don't know what to do...I REALLY don't. I really need help and advice. What should i do when he gets like that? He says i only want to leave when things get really bad and its true, is there anything wrong with that? If i have nothing to say he will keep going and going until i think of something to say. "what, you're not going to talk now?" I'm 16 and he just turned 19. If i tell one of my friends about his rampage they are just like "What? (insert name)? Not him." I used to feel the same way. I used to ask myself who is this? but now i realize its who he is. It's who he becomes when he is angry. I'm sorry this is so long and all over the place but it's so hard explaining it because you guys don't know who i am or have seen our past and present as a couple. Thanks to whoever will give me good helpful advice.

<3

BP2RC 10-08-2009 01:10 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
Act before it is too late.
No person should suffer at the hand of another.
Yes everyone argues but an arguement should be equal.
An apology will not suffice where potential violence is evident.
To put it bluntly-kick him out.
Tell him to seek anger management treatment before you will continue with your relationship-and make sure he is doing so before you do continue.
Yes everyone knows he is great/fantastic etc.
But you know different.
This alone let's you know that he is well aware of what he is doing.
If he can be good and kind with other's then why can't he be the same with you.
He's a bully and as such if you let things continue as they are he will eventually destroy your life.
I do not doubt that you care for him very much-after all you are here looking for advice.
He's the one with he problem why is'nt he here asking for advice
the only real medicine in a case like this is----dump him sooner than later.

Kszan 10-08-2009 05:18 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
This type of anger toward you is not normal at all. I don't care what his excuse is, I don't care what the extenuating circumstances are or what you said or did beforehand, it's NEVER normal for him to react that way toward you.

If you are already at that point where you are afraid he will hit you sometime then you really need to get out of this situation. It doesn't matter whether or not you love him, he is broken and you can't fix him. Before he does haul off one day and does hit you, please just get out and don't go back. Not even if he promises to change.

You need to start watching movies about battered women. ALL OF THEM started out the way you are. He's really sweet and nice sometimes but then all the sudden his wrong button gets pushed and wham, argument city. And those arguments keep escalating until he starts hitting you. Once he starts hitting you you're totally screwed because it will keep getting worse. I don't want you to end up in the hospital or dead just because this idiot boyfriend of yours can't hold his temper.

Please just listen to what I'm telling you. You need to get out of this relationship. How much you love him or how sweet he is doesn't matter. Because on the other side of that is him being angry, screaming at you, throwing things, getting in your face, and you being afraid that he will hit you. NONE of that is normal! This is not a normal relationship. This is an abusive relationship in which you are being abused, and it's already escalating. If you don't leave soon you will be very sorry. Get out now while you still can.

rosequartz 10-08-2009 07:13 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
no it's not normal....you're too young to fall into this destructive cycle.....
get away while you can.
he has to take responsibility for his own anger....it's not your fault....
he also sounds like a control freak.
look up borderline personality disorder and see if it fits him.
you need to get away from this guy before he hurts or kills you.
he's abusive, and abusers don't change.

Lysander 10-08-2009 10:11 PM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
He's more than an angry person, he's already abusing you. Forcing you to drive with him until dawn and not letting you get out of the car? That's a hostage situation. That is crazy. No one, not even if he's been married to you for a hundred years, has a right to hold you against your will.

Please take the advice of everyone here and get out while you can, because it's only going to get worse. This is a textbook case of abuse, and you might be going through traumatic bonding. The worse he treats you, the closer the two of you may feel. Abuse is emotionally intense and draining, and against all sense, can bring people together. The more he controls you, the more you're going to doubt yourself and trust him instead, until you don't know up from down, and he's going to be just as dependent on having you around.

Abusers act nice. They almost always do, especially after abusing. They've relieved their tension, like finishing a marathon or good sex. They're spent and they feel good, and they've been assured they're in control of you. They may even feel so calm and, yes, even guilty about what they've done, that they honestly think they will never do it again, but the cycle always continues. The tension will build again, and you'll be the target.

As you've seen, they're often "nice" people, or at least their friends think so. They are very selective about who they mistreat. They'll only dare show their true colors to someone they feel they are entitled to control and hurt.

And this guy sounds like he feels entitled, and he's shown himself to be controlling and specific about who he hurts. Please leave, before the two of you become embroiled in this further and it gets too difficult.

leopard777 10-09-2009 02:12 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
SincerelyC I f you feel your boyfriend can be dangerous , really leave him , donít hesitate , and
find someone balance after . Donít put yourself into danger , leave , chose a good life .
But if you feel itís not that bad , and you feel you can often communicate with him , if he is
aware of his behavior ,then read my post


The problem i think , is that your friend has not enough social life ,not enough friends at this
time .

I tell you a story that Ďs happen to a friend .

Me and 4 friends all boys , in our twenties . During 6 years we have spent most our week end
and holiday together .
Generally we met 2 times a week , the 5 of us , in a bar or at home . a good ten hours a week
together .
6 years , going out , for a chat , disco on Saturday night , every bank holiday we took one car ,
and went for a camping and mountain hiking or something . sometimes visiting new cities center
in other countries . Or we went to rock concert music ....

So this friend and for of us had a vivid leisure life . We were often talking joking with people
outside the family circle or wok circle .

This friend was completely balanced at this time . He never get angry or suddenly shouting for
no reasons .

And you have already guessed what happen .
After thinks have changed , he get married , and after his work he did always the same , coming
home eating ,watching TV ,sleep .
he didnít go out with us any more, or anyone else ,he didnít chat with friends during hours
anymore , he didnít joke with friends the week end anymore . Just stayed with the family , close
himself in the house .

Then you have guessed what happen .
He get often angry . For no reasons , a little problem , nothing , he was yelling in house blaming
his wife or his children .
Generally once or Twice a week , two evening a week , it was yelling , bad mood in the house .
He and his wife told me .

i m quite sure that no social life , no friends ,lead to this behavior .
I have met people like scientists that know a lot about how the human work , they told me thatís
an important reason of arguing ,for no reasons .

I hope it will help you , may be suggest him ? . If he has a passion , moto bikes or computer or
what he likes , may be tell him to do it with other peoples . Find a way .
After one week or two chatting with friends laughing , he will get completely happy at home .

Redneon82 10-09-2009 05:07 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
The guy's 19. I don't think a lack of chatting with his friends caused him to be abusive. Chatting with friends doesn't stop an abuser. A couple of weeks of hanging with friends will not stop this...wouldn't it be nice if the cure for an abuser was that simple! I agree that abusers do tend to isolate the person they are abusing, just so that she is unable to escape.

You don't deserve to be treated like this. Period. And you are perceptive enough to know this. You are so young, it's completely possible for you to end this and have plenty of time to find someone new when you are ready.

pendulum 10-09-2009 05:20 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
If your boyfriend is unable to realize that he has a serious problem and if he is not willing to try and fix it with the help of medicine, psychotherapy, support groups or whatever, then I agree that you should leave him before it is too late.

Kszan 10-09-2009 05:34 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
I think you should also tell your parents about what's been going on. If I was ever with a guy like this and my dad found out, boy would he hit the roof! He would actually take care of it for me and make sure the guy never showed his face anywhere near me again! And my mom is in the legal field, she would make sure to help me get a restraining order, too. I am hoping your parents are equally protective of you, being that you're only 16, and that they will do whatever they can to help you. This is the kind of situation where they need to know what's going on so they can BE your parents and protect you.

Lysander 10-11-2009 11:10 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
According to the Bureau of Justice statistics taken from 1975 through 2005, 30% of women murdered were killed by their husband or boyfriend. Only 5% of male murder victims were murdered by their wife or girlfriend. Definitely not a fad.

Batterers are usually psychologically normal (not mentally ill or otherwise much distinguishable from a "regular" guy) and have normal social lives.

Larrylou'smom 10-11-2009 11:21 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
[QUOTE=Lysander;4097540]According to the Bureau of Justice statistics taken from 1975 through 2005, 30% of women murdered were killed by their husband or boyfriend. Only 5% of male murder victims were murdered by their wife or girlfriend. Definitely not a fad.

Batterers are usually psychologically normal (not mentally ill or otherwise much distinguishable from a "regular" guy) and have normal social lives.[/QUOTE]

Yup, depending on who's statistics you look at, anywhere from 3 to 10 women are murdered by a husband or lover every single day in the US.

I agree with Red as well. You will not get personal power by trying to out-shout your abuser. You get real power by not putting up with being abused at all. By simply not taking it, by walking away.

Ely4 10-12-2009 12:09 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
I live in Europe and this is NOT an outdated fad that lasted 5 years. This is a serious problem that has been acknowledged for 30+ years. No-one should be shouted at, slapped, punched, forced against their will to do anything. If this was an outdated fad why do we still have shelters where abused women can escape nasty bullies like this.

Women do not get abused and/or killed by their partner because of something they have done wrong. They get abused because the partner cannot control his emotions/actions, or believes he has the right to do whatever he wants.

SincerelyC, this is not normal. Even the worst abuser can be nice after the abuse once they've taken their frustrations out on you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life always on edge worrying when the next outburst will come? Do you want to bring children into this and have them growing up thinking this is normal and possibly suffering the same abuse from their father?

Keeping yourself looking nice, him having a social life and you shouting back will not help. This is how he is. You cannot change him. You need to leave before it gets any worse.

SincerelyC 10-16-2009 05:32 AM

Re: My boyfriend has anger issues
 
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to give me some real good advice that my friends couldn't even begin to give. You all have helped me so much. I am no longer with him. I'm not going to stick around with someone who may actually hit me someday no matter how much they tell me they wouldn't. I don't believe a word he says.
You guys may have saved my life :]


<333 SincerelyC


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