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    Old 11-03-2009, 10:51 PM   #1
    sirmarsh
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    What should I do with an irrational husband?

    I have been married 20 years. My husband, early on, was very verbaly abusive. Called me b..., ugly, dumb. We would get in screaming fights. I feel I took this abuse due to low self esteem. My mother left my family when I was young(youngest of 5). My dad remarried a woman who was controlling and irrational. It was made obvious that we were not as good as her kids.
    My husband went to law school. I took the abuse and his controlling behavior daily. I left once only to be begged to stay with promises of change. After law school things got a little better. He no long verbally abused me as often. We had 2 kids. After my 2nd child was born, he had an affair. We went through a hard time for 3 years. During this time he would say cutting remarks, etc. I felt i wanted to try to work it out for the kids. We got through it and he was better. his chief complaint is that I am not affectionate. that I am cold. I tell him, I cant be overly affectionate. My gaurd is up. i never know what will set you off and you will yell at me or talk to me like i'm a dog. Which, is part of my issues with him.Every other day on average he gets angry at some point and speaks to me in an ugly, harsh tone. Then, about once a month, he gets completely irrational and goes off on me. Tonight , for example, I told him I was going to take our daughter to a soccer practice when he arrived home. He started yelling about gas prices, where, why, we do too much running around. I told him to stop yelling and talk to me. He then said he has to do all of the thinking. how it doesnt make sense. Then, yelling at my daughter to call her friends mom to find out more about this soccer. I said , ok we wont go, calm down. I told him he was getting upset about nothing, calm down. he went on for 30 minutes. He talked to the friends mom on the phone and then calmly explained what she said, like nothing happened. I felt like it was important not to jump back into happy land like he always does( acting like nothing happened). I figure this is why after 20 years he has not stopped doing this irrational behavior. I always jump back into normal conversation with him, like nothing happened. Then later he usually wants sex(i figure as a way to make sure I still care) and we usually have it. So, tonight I thought I'd not act like nothing happened and be gaurded with him a little. I also didnt go into our bed until 11:00 after he had gone to bed.After I lay down, he got up and put clothes on. I said,'whats wrong" he said, 'shut up, just , shut up".
    The ups and downs are killing me. He seems normal, then something triggers an irrational reaction which usually involves him belittling me. I am scared to make an error or forget something because it will trigger him. He takes my mistakes (and i will admit, i make a lot) and magnifies them and makes me feel dumb and horrible. He makes mistakes too. But we usually laugh about them. I tell him we will never have a great marriage because we are not partners. He doesnt respect me. I dont trust him and will always be gaurded. He says that he wants and needs closeness. That he has to have it. I say, 'how can I be close to someone who has treated me so badly?" I really dont know what to do. Can you give some advice? I cant imagine when our kids are gone. All of the focus will be on me. He already frowns on my activities that dont involve him. Yet, he never wants to do things i enjoy. I dont tell him most things that happen or that i am doing because you never know how he'll react. In this situation, is it wise to stay together for the kids? We have gone to therapy a couple of times. I asked him to go again and he said he is not going again.

     
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    Old 11-04-2009, 05:35 AM   #2
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sirmarsh View Post
    In this situation, is it wise to stay together for the kids?
    Well, your daughter can't even enjoy an extracurricular activity like soccer without being yelled at and belittled, without having to watch her mother being yelled at, demeaned and belittled, and embarrassed by having her father call a friend's mother and have him bother her with what were most likely silly, obvious questions only meant to stall and regain control. Your children are learning every day that this is marriage. The man gets to yell and scream and throw temper tantrums for no reason, and have affairs (don't think your kids will never figure out what went on, and where dad was when he got out of bed at 11om and left) and the woman and the kids must cower and walk on egg shells and take being verbally abused, demeaned, belittled and made to feel miserable. So, should you stay for the kids? What do you really think?

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 11-04-2009 at 05:37 AM.

     
    Old 11-04-2009, 06:54 AM   #3
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    I don't think you should stay "for the kids". As LLM said, what's their benefit? What good could possibly come out of staying in that type of toxic environment?

    I think you need to get out of this and take your kids with you. Things keep getting worse, not better. It doesn't matter if he's all sweet to you for 10 minutes, what about the other 23 hours of the day? Sounds to me like he's a total creep 99% of the time and I don't think it's healthy for you or your kids to stay in that situation.

    No one likes the idea of a a divorce. It's a horrible thing to have to end a marriage and to go through all that. But there are situations such as yours where it's not only warranted but also necessary, for the health and well-being of the victims (you and your kids).

    I don't see any other options. What other choice do you have except to stay and be miserable and your kids being miserable? Who cares if your husband ends up sad and lonely after you leave because he has made you miserable for so long that he deserves it!! He doesn't deserve a loving wife and great kids because he has been such a creep toward all of you for far too long!

     
    Old 11-04-2009, 07:00 AM   #4
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    what's your question?
    what to do with an irrational husband?
    make him an irrational EX-HUSBAND
    he's a control freak who is preying on your low self-esteem and insecurity.
    stand up for yourself and your kids and get a lawyer and get a divorce.
    take him for at least 1/2 of everything.......
    he's either bi-polar or has BPD, borderline personality disorder.......neither of which you want to stick around for....
    you're teaching your kids this is normal......

     
    Old 11-04-2009, 07:13 AM   #5
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    As always, I have to agree with (and chuckle at) rosequartz post.

    This guy needs to go to counseling or you should take your leave of him. Life is TOO short to spend it under such circumstances. Singleness isn't all that exciting, . . .but it is far better than putting up with abuse, and if this jerk can't see that he either changes or looses, then you make the decision for him!

    I am just so freakin' tired of men who won't grow up and BE men, rather than narcissistic grown babies, throwing temper tantrums! He needs to get counseling to discover why he feels he needs to "feel better about himself by putting others down".

    I hope you are able to have a happy ending with this, sirmarsh
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    Old 11-04-2009, 08:47 AM   #6
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    I couldn't add more to what's already been said. What to do is LEAVE.

     
    Old 11-04-2009, 08:56 AM   #7
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    He sounds so much like my ex husband, who was diagnosed with both borderline personality disorder and bi-polar disorder.

    I don't easily throw out the "D" word, because I know within my own marriage, that was the very last thing I wanted. But when you've done all you can, it's no longer fair to you or your children to cater to this man's bad behavior, regardless of the cause.

    If you should consider divorcing him, being that he is an attorney, it may be more difficult than the average divorce. You need to plan carefully before you let him know what you are considering. Lawyers tend to stick together. I know of 2 recent situations where the wives couldn't get anyone to take their cases. In both cases their husbands were openly cheating, but their cronies (male and female!) blacklisted these wives.

     
    Old 11-04-2009, 01:36 PM   #8
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sirmarsh View Post
    ... We have gone to therapy a couple of times. I asked him to go again and he said he is not going again.
    Being rational.

    What do you mean by a couple of times? A couple of sessions? And why do you think therapy failed? And what are his reasons for not going into therapy again? Doesn't he want to make this marriage work?

    I think the first thing you have to do is to start looking up to yourself. It seems that you have low self-esteem, and he takes advantage of this. Why do you say you make so many mistakes? Don't you pay enough attention to what you are doing? What is the problem?

    I think that you have to work on yourself in the first place. If he doesn't want to go to therapy, can you go by yourself? Or alternatively can you find things to do that will make you feel good about yourself?

    Whenever he yells at you or treats you bad or makes fun of you, you tell him calmly and firmly that you don't like this, that you have changed and wants to be treated in a mature and respectful way. Even if you are afraid of him, say this looking straight into his eyes. Even if you feel intimidated by his "power," tell yourself that he is just ... a man, not a monster, not a semi-god.

    If you are able to change yoiurself and yet not get him to treat you as you deserve, then you should consider divorce. Anyway, I would not leave this marriage without playing my last card.

    But if you think you have already played your last card with him, then I stand corrected.

     
    Old 11-04-2009, 03:26 PM   #9
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    I'm curious about one thing. Is he able to control himself in the office, on the job?

    People often think bi-polar or BPD. But, if he can control himself at work, I can't believe it's an actual "disorder". It seems to me he's just behaving like a spoiled child because he's been able to for so long he doesn't know any better way to act...and doesn't want to.

    On the other hand, if this spills into his work, then he needs more help than he would probably acknowledge he needs. And if he doesn't get help, he can't change.

    I could not stay in your situation. I just couldn't. But that's because I know how peaceful it can be to live in a house free of that sort of no warning rages. How you deal with this is up to you. But I personally do not believe you could expect any great change in your husband. So, to me, it's more what you are willing to tolerate.

     
    Old 11-04-2009, 06:43 PM   #10
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    Hi there. Don't know if I can help. I would never advise someone to leave or stay unless you were in danger.

    Whatever your husband's behavior, you've been in this for 20 years. That's a long time. There's a reason you've been in it. You knew your husband well before you married him and had your kids, meaning you still wanted to be with him for whatever the reason. My guess, sinse you say that you stay guarded and you're cold and don't feel much affection, I think maybe you really don't want to be very close and this is what makes you feel comfortable. You say that you had low self esteem when you got with him, and maybe this is the reason you don't want to be too close. Your mother leaving and your stepmother treating you second rate has made you distant, and maybe that's the way you want it.

    Your husband also has low self esteem, that's why he acts this way to you. He is suffering from depression, probably life long, and he takes it out on you. He needs life long ongoing counceling and treatment for this.

    Maybe now the kids are older and you realize you won't feel alone if you leave now? There must be some reason you're considering it now after all of these years.

    My advise to you.....carefully weigh what it is you really want. How will your life be without him? Will you be better off, or will you just want him back? Old habits die hard, and he's a 20 year habit. There's a reason for that, there must be. You can let him know that he needs continued ongoing treatment for his depression for life (he's a lawyer he can afford it), or else.


    Only you know what will make you happy. No one on this board can tell you what to do.

    Last edited by thinkseriously; 11-04-2009 at 06:51 PM.

     
    Old 11-04-2009, 07:53 PM   #11
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    Clearly your intimacy problems are a direct result of his treatment of you. Why would you want to be lovey dovey with someone who treats you so badly and who makes you feel so badly majority of the time? I remember one of my past relationships in which my bf at the time was very verbally abusive, he would get really mad because I didn't want to be intimate. I kept telling him why would I want to do anything with him when he was constantly making me cry and hurt my feelings? Unless your husband stops treating you so crappy, I don't see how your intimacy problems will be resolved.

    It's a vicious circle. You have no incentive to be less cold toward him because he hasn't made an effort to be nice to you. Something needs to change if you want this to work out. He needs to treat you better and you need to feel like he actually cares about your feelings before you are willing to be intimate with him again. The cycle needs to be broken before anything can move in a positive direction.

     
    Old 11-04-2009, 11:56 PM   #12
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by thinkseriously View Post
    ...
    Your husband also has low self esteem, that's why he acts this way to you. He is suffering from depression, probably life long, and he takes it out on you. He needs life long ongoing counceling and treatment for this.
    ...
    That is right! The insight had escaped me, but now Thinkseriously has made it clearer. Hmm, perhaps both of you suffer from low self-esteem, but each of you reacts in the opposite way. Maybe that is what makes you stick together???

    Last edited by pendulum; 11-04-2009 at 11:57 PM.

     
    Old 11-05-2009, 09:23 AM   #13
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by resolution09 View Post
    I'm curious about one thing. Is he able to control himself in the office, on the job?

    People often think bi-polar or BPD. But, if he can control himself at work, I can't believe it's an actual "disorder". It seems to me he's just behaving like a spoiled child because he's been able to for so long he doesn't know any better way to act...and doesn't want to.

    On the other hand, if this spills into his work, then he needs more help than he would probably acknowledge he needs. And if he doesn't get help, he can't change.

    I could not stay in your situation. I just couldn't. But that's because I know how peaceful it can be to live in a house free of that sort of no warning rages. How you deal with this is up to you. But I personally do not believe you could expect any great change in your husband. So, to me, it's more what you are willing to tolerate.
    I just wanted to repost this. . . . . . it is SO true. Good post!
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    Old 11-05-2009, 09:26 AM   #14
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    my ex-husb is bi-polar and it didn't spill over into work.....

    they are abusive at home because they can get away with it and no one else will know.......

     
    Old 11-05-2009, 10:46 AM   #15
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    Re: What should I do with an irrational husband?

    Hmmmmmm. . . . . . interesting.
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