It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • The ex is engaged (long)

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 11-09-2009, 02:20 PM   #1
    Erin942
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Erin942's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2007
    Location: San Francisco
    Posts: 109
    Erin942 HB User
    The ex is engaged (long)

    I've posted here often, though off and on, and knew I'd be back for support. I could use that now. I just found out today that my ex, P, is engaged. I knew the day would come and it has. It's mostly sad emotions coming on the tails of the news, as expected. I'm just in a bit of low point right now and could use some encouragement and advice.

    P and I broke up 2.5 years ago. Yes, it has been a long time, but as many of you know, it is often not that easy to be fully broken free from someone and old feelings even after a few years. We had a very happy, drama-free relationship for two years, starting when I was 25 and he was 31. We spent time with each others' families, took vacations, and generally enjoyed each other. I thought for sure he was the one for me. I had never been happier in my life. He began to pull away just a little bit after our second year anniversary and then suddenly broke up with me. He said he didn't know what he wanted and didn't think we'd move forward any more. It was terrible. I was so caught off guard and upset. It was honestly the worst thing I have ever gone through. I picked up my things from his house two days after the breakup and we spoke then. I told him communication was up to him, I would not be in touch. He protested but understand any contact would be initiated by him. He said he would be in touch to check in after a week or so. He never was in contact. I struggled but eventually moved along, dating a few guys and then settling in to a relationship with a new guy, J. During this time, through mutual friends, I found out that P had stayed single in the two years following our breakup and had declared that marriage was not for him. It was a bit of a bandaid for me -- it gave more reason for the sudden breakup. Made me feel better in some way.

    Just around this time last year, P broke his silence and emailed me, asking to meet for drinks to catch up. We were both attending a mutual friend's event and he didn't want things to be awkward. It's the only reason he was in touch. I declined over email, wished him the best. At the event, I avoided him and left early before he could come over to speak to me. It was better that way, I couldn't handle contact, even so long after the breakup.Even though I was with my boyfriend J, I still had residual feelings for P all along. A few months after that event, I found out from mutual friends that P had a girlfriend, the first girl he had dated since me, two years prior. They had mutual friends and had gone to the same college. I've seen photos and she is gorgeous, has her MBA, seems fun and outgoing. Even though I was with a new guy, J, I was still jealous of this girl, that she got P when I lost him. I tried to keep moving along and focused more on J. He and I started having problems and eventually broke up over the summer after about 1.5 years. It is for the best, though was also hard. Since then, I took some time alone and have been dating a bit. It's been mostly discouraging...either not hitting it off with guys or things not progressing with the few men I have been interested in. Two months ago I spent my first birthday -- the big 30 -- without a boyfriend for the first time in 7 years. Depressing! But I try to keep hope that I will find the right person one day. I have had ups and downs but have been working on being more positive, a hard thing for me.

    Now that I find out P is engaged, I am mourning him all over again. I have been for the last 2.5 years, but obviously when finding out your ex is engaged and having your own last relationship fail -- one where marriage had also been discussed -- and not finding a good fit in the dating world...well, it's just a perfect storm of insecurity. I'm in therapy and have been trying to exorcise P from my thoughts. It just hasn't really worked much. It only really was abated down to a low level when I was with J. When J and I had problems, I thought of P and how great things were with him. When I have a bad date or am tired of trying or just want someone to wake up next to, I think of P. He is still in my dreams, still pops to mind when I see shows, hear songs, walk by restaurants. He is tied to a great many memory. I know I have been in part living part of the past, wishing things were the way they used to be. We met through mutual friends whose friendship has faded since the breakup. They're busy with children and work, it's harder to see each other. We've drifted. I've been sick of being the one trying to make plans so I've stopped reaching out. It's been a year since I've seen them. That is sad too, losing the friends, the family in the breakup also. Oftentimes, especially when in a funk or having a bad day, I wonder if the best isn't yet to come.. that maybe it has already come for me and is now in the past.

    Intellectually I can comprehend that P didn't feel the same way about me, that he decided not to stay and he moved on. Even though he stated marriage was not for him, all it takes is one person to change your perspective. He met her and he's marrying her. It's been less than a year since they met, so has all happened fast. In very, very small measure right now (very small) I can be glad that he has found that person who is right for him. I desperately wish it had been me. But even though it is not, I can be glad that he found what made him happy when I ceased to do so. What it doesn't help do is make it easier on me or for me. The dating situation is just not great. I am lonely, Discouraged. Beaten down. And sick of thinking and feeling like this each day. I have a lot going for me, but I can't compare to the girl P is with. I'm jealous of her because she seems so great and because she has the heart of the person I loved the best.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 11-09-2009, 04:54 PM   #2
    Larrylou'smom
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Larrylou'smom's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Posts: 4,063
    Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    Erin - I think everything you're feeling is normal and even natural. I went through something similar and I know how hard it can be. It takes time AND hard work and a desire to get past it, but you can if you want to.

    In time you'll realize this guy wasn't right for you. Concentrate on you. Get back to you. Read a book you've always wanted to read but never had the time, treat yourself to a movie you've been wanting to see but haven't gotten around to it yet. This is a great time to explore new hobbies or interests or rekindle old ones. Through these hobbies you might even meet some new friends.

    I know alone is hard, especially when it feels like it might always be that way. And truth be told, I can't really promise you it won't always be that way. But you can't let it define you. You can't walk around with a stamp on your forehead that says "Damaged Goods - Unlovable" Some people have one great love. Some people have several great loves. Some people have great love of another kind, other than romantic love is a significant other. I don't know which you'll have, but if you pursue your life with a positive attitude, make a point of being the best you that you know how to be, and live your life with passion and purpose and keep your heart open, what you were meant to have will come to you. I know I've said that a lot lately, and maybe I'm saying it to myself as much as anyone else here, but I really think it's true. Waht we end up with might not be what we started out wanting, but I believe that if we are good to ourselves and others, respect ourselves and the world around us we will have the live we were meant to have and we will find a way to be happy, or at least satisfied with it.

     
    Old 11-09-2009, 05:25 PM   #3
    Kszan
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 5,246
    Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    I hear ya, Erin. I've had 6 long term relationships, 2 of which I was engaged (but never got married). Presently, 5 of those guys are now married to the very next girl they dated after me! I mean, what the heck? This last one was the hardest, though...not only did he lie about why he broke it off (had to go "find himself", yea right!), but a month later I found out he had been cheating with a mutual friend and 2 years later I found out he married that girl only 6 months after we broke up! It makes me feel like all I'm good at is getting these idiot guys ready for their wife and I am always the one left by myself. Whatever, they're all really stupid and I'm actually glad I didn't end up saddled with any of them frankly. Lesson learned - stop dating morons!

    But I digress... my point is, I don't know the answer of how to deal with those feelings because I've gone through it (too) many times myself. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in having these feelings. I've been there, too. All you can do is keep searching for what makes you happy in life and go after it. You can do what I did and go to graduate school to earn your Masters degree from a prestigious university.

    Last edited by Kszan; 11-09-2009 at 05:25 PM.

     
    Old 11-09-2009, 09:22 PM   #4
    justkeeppraying
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    justkeeppraying's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Posts: 122
    justkeeppraying HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    Hi Erin. I've got a story too, don't we all, lol. My ex and I broke up four years ago and I thought I wouldn't survive it because we were together for so long (3 and a half years). I was all over these boards crying and posting, haha, I was a wreck. I think him being my first love made it harder.

    You know what? He got married to his next girlfriend a few WEEKS after we broke up!! I'd heard of that happening to other women, but it didn't make it any easier to know that. He took her to the courthouse, which while we were dating, he'd said he always wanted a church wedding!!! And to add insult to injury, previously 3 weeks earlier, I had been trying to get him to take me back. All that circumstance had me kicking myself.

    About eleven months later I heard through his friend that they'd had a baby. It didn't seem like he wasted any time (men usually don't) and I couldn't understand how he could throw us away and all the good times we'd had. I felt very disposable, was devastated that he probably cheated with this girl and then married her.

    You know what else though? There's hope. I dated a few lousy guys, thought I'd be single for who knows how long. I ended up meeting my husband three winters after the breakup. I realized why things happened that way; my ex was not right for me, so he was removed from my life. People come in and out of our lives for a reason, season, you know the saying. It holds true, that's why people say it. Not everyone gets the same things in life- a committed partner, good friends, lots of money- but I know that whatever we are supposed to have will be brought to us; we just have to grab it when it comes. Something like what LLM was saying.

    I know the road ahead for you is going to be rocky, I've been there. You have to just keep walking and suck it up. The pain you feel is normal for the situation. You have to counteract it though, don't let it consume you. Try to work on self-improvement if you feel the need in any aspect of your life. Be good to yourself, get a makeover, change your hairstyle, learn how to belly dance, try to meet some new friends by having another friend/family member introduce you, go see some movies, preferably comedies, Sandra Bullock just starred in some good ones. Laugh as much as you can, it helps heal, along with time of course. Rediscover life, it's still there.

    Last edited by justkeeppraying; 11-09-2009 at 09:57 PM.

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 12:51 AM   #5
    pendulum
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2007
    Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
    Posts: 3,933
    pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    You know what? Even men could tell you they felt at least once like you, lol. We are not always very strong.

    That said, I agree with what all the ladies before me are saying.

    That loss is a part of your life. It certainly will always hold a place in your memory, but please don't attach so much importance to it that it prevents you from moving on with your life.

    I am not trying to excuse him for what he may have done to you, but who knows he really did you a big favour by breaking up because he somehow had the intuition that you two were incompatible?

    Jealousy to a certain point is quite natural, but don't let yourself be stuck in it. Make use of it to improve yourself, so you can also feel proud of your achievements. You can also make other people envious of you, lol.

    You are somewhat depressed. It would help you if you concentrated on the present for a change and, among other things, built a physical exercise habit as a way to overcome sadness.

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 08:35 AM   #6
    Erin942
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Erin942's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2007
    Location: San Francisco
    Posts: 109
    Erin942 HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    Thanks so much for your replies. I really appreciate it. Getting input and perspective really helps a lot. When P and I first broke up 2.5 years ago I did set out to make changes, to better myself. It was self preservation and staying busy. For a good six months I had to be busy all of the time or I would just ruminate, stress and be sad. Even when I was cognizant I was only making plans and doing things to pass the time, I worked to pass that time. I did everything you're supposed to do: I started therapy for the first time, moved into my own apartment, changed jobs for a better position, bought a new car, joined a book club, entered road races, took small vacations, learned to play golf. I spent time alone, with friends and eventually started dating. A year after I was in a good relationship with someone I really cared about and the thoughts of P faded a little. But as I mentioned, each time my then boyfriend and I would have a problem, I'd think back to P and how idyllic everything had been with him. When J and I ended things, I was sad, but knew I would never, could never be as broken and hurt as I was when P left me. It just is not physically or emotionally possible to go through something as difficult as it was for me to deal with. So while I mourned J and the end of the relationship I also was mourning P all over again. Two guys that didn't work out, two I had thought I'd have futures with, who told me they loved me, wanted to be with me, and then things changed. I can think of a million things that were wrong about me and J; we were so different. I can't think of really anything, any reason why P and I wouldn't work other than he wished simply not to be with me.

    I am very much a detailed, proof first, by the book type of person. I can never fully grasp the things-will-happen-when-they-happen outlook. I wish I could be the girl who is filled with joy and contentment without a guy in her life. I envy that in others. But I'm not like that. I am content with my life in nearly every regard -- I have a great job, I have a graduate degree in my field (though not an MBA), I have good friends, nice things. But I feel 75% complete, 75% happy. I am independent and have decent self esteem, but I draw a lot of it from a relationship. And I don't feel whole without someone to love who loves me.
    The main point is that I have spent too much time wishing I was living in the past. I am so afraid of being alone forever that I just focus on the past, on that time when I was happiest, with P. I do hope to have more love in my future, but what if I don't? I worry that six months or a year from now I'll be in the same place...lonely, waking up by myself each day, making plans, dating duds. It is so depressing to me to imagine that existence. Of course I compare myself to P's fiance. She is a great catch. And maybe I am too, but I know not in the same way she is. I am just so jealous that she gets him. And his family. And our friends. She's in the place I had, at his side at BBQs and dinner parties, doing the couple things. Our mutual friendships have faded, they're all 5-6 years older than me, married, with kids. When P and I were together I went to four sets of bridal showers, bachelorettes, weddings and baby showers. Seriously. We were the only unmarried couple in the group. And then it was over. I saw them every now and again, a few times for dinner, an email here or there. They got busy with their babies and families, maybe they felt more loyalty to P. I faded back. And I got sick of being the one always trying to make plans, to see them. It's been a year since I've seen them. They're not my friends anymore really. But she is in place now, he is part of a couple again, and she gets all of it -- my friends and him.

    I know if I had someone in my life this would be an easier pill to swallow. I guess the issue is that I am doing everything you're supposed to do -- the counseling, the activities, the dating, all of it. I have been for 2.5 years. And the feelings are just still so raw and I still am not sure how to really move on from this. It's not a way to live but I really feel at a loss.

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 09:09 AM   #7
    pendulum
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2007
    Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
    Posts: 3,933
    pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    Really, you almost made me cry with this. My eyes were getting wet by the end of your post. I need some time to be able to digest what I have just read. Maybe I (or the others) will have something else to say later, but for the time being I can only send you my virtual empathies. I know how you feel and I wish I could help you.

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 11:28 AM   #8
    Larrylou'smom
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Larrylou'smom's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Posts: 4,063
    Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    I too know exactly what you're going through Erin. My big break up was 12 years ago and sometimes it still feels raw and so painful it doubles me over.

    But I think the important thing to work on here is, you simply can't let yourself live in fear of something you have no real control over. LIke whether or not you fall in love. You're still young yet and you sound like you've really got your stuff together, so it very well may happen for you. But I think living in fear that it won't is the best way to make SURE it won't. The trick is to get to the point where you can say "I'm ok with whatever life wants to throw at me!!"

    Believe me, I don't say it lightly and I know it's not easy. It took me many many years and tears to get reasonably past my break up. With a lot of help and advice from the good people here. Some of it I listened to, some I didn't, some helped, some didn't.

    But I think it's important to remember that life isn't a race, and it isn't a competition. She isn't the "winner" because she has him. First, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone has their own set of problems and struggles and issues and it doesn't benefit your life at all to be jealous of what someone else has. We all have our own journey to travel.

    The future isn't going to be what you thought it was going to be. It's going to look different. But that doesn't mean it can't be happy, even if you don't find love or have a family. All through my 20s I gathered linens and things for my hope chest, I practiced baking and home making stuff because all I really wanted to do was get married and be a wife and mother. But that never happened to me. I'm 44 now and entering perimenopause, so the dream of having children is pretty much dead. After 12 years of being single and dating literally hundreds of duds from all over the state, I have connected with no one and it's pretty clear at this point that I will spend the rest of my life alone, not because I choose to but because there just doesn't seem to be anyone out there for me. But what would you advise me to do? Curl up in bed with my head under the pillows and wait to die? No, that wouldn't serve any purpose. I still have a life to live, even though it's not the one I really wanted. I can still take pleasure in the little, simple things. I'm still working on it myself, and hopefully it won't be as hard for you. I really doubt it will be. My story is rather unique and out of the ordinary. But whether you find love or not, I think the journey in life is being happy with yourself, within yourself, without NEEDING a relationship to define or validate you.

    I feel you. I've been there, and to some degree, am still there. BUt I think you can make it. Hang tough.

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 12:36 PM   #9
    Redneon82
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Redneon82's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2007
    Location: California
    Posts: 2,093
    Redneon82 HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    Erin, I think I saw a pic of you on another advice message board (I'm pretty sure that was you!). And, along with being intelligent, articulate and educated, you are cute as a button! I don't know anyone who hasn't been through a heartbreak no matter how much they have going for them.

    My best girlfriend is like you...she is educated, intelligent, funny, got a great personality, fun, and also happens to be as pretty as a supermodel...OH, and happens to be a size 4 with natural 36-Ds! But she spent her 20s in what I can only call agony. She was searching for love, and a husband and family...all she ever wanted in life. And she had to watch as I, her best friend, got married at 22 and had a baby at 24. She came to the hospital to see me and my new baby son, and the look on her face...I felt bad because she looked sad, envious, and then guilty of being envious of her best friend! Because, it appeared, I had everything she ever wanted. While she dated one loser after another, and had a 5 year "relationship" with a jerk who was using her for sex and gave her an STD. She got to 30, then past 30...nothing. Then, one day she met her future husband at work. They married when she was 33 and now have their own daughter...while I am now divorced and in the final stages of recovery from the breakup of my most recent, 4 year relationship with a jerk loser! We have reversed!

    So, we don't know what the future can hold. I understand that you feel "P" was the one for you and who you want your future to be with, but something else is waiting for you. Whether it's your future husband, some kind of accolades for work, etc., you just don't know. So you just can't decide now that you will never get what you want. You may get something completely different and not realize it was what you wanted until you get it.

    And don't be envious of that other woman...you are intelligent and accomplished as well, she is NOT better than you. She just got something in life that you wanted before, but that doesn't mean her life will be better. Look at me and my best friend! Who really ended up with what she wanted?

    I hope you start to feel better soon.
    __________________
    "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 01:01 PM   #10
    justkeeppraying
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    justkeeppraying's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Posts: 122
    justkeeppraying HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    You may not be able to think of any sensible reason as to why he left you, but he did not make that decision out of the blue. Something went through his mind, a doubt of some sort, and he went with it. He did this because he knew that you two were not right for each other.

    I did something like what you're doing. I never met my ex's wife, but I found out what I could about her and compared myself to the discoveries. I wished constantly that I had been more the way she was, and I tried to figure out what he saw in her that he didn't see in me. But if I had attempted to transform into her, then I wouldn't have been myself. Plus, she wasn't better than me, just different from me. We would have been living a lie.

    I know it feels like she's better and won the life jackpot or something. She just was in the right place at the right time with the right "resume" and your ex realized he was ready to settle down. No one knows what will happen, those two may not even get to the isle, or if they do, they could get divorced later for all anyone knows, statistically they have a 50/50 shot. Or they could stay together for their entire lives, no one knows.

    I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I constantly gave and gave. I did A, B and C and found it extremely unfair that his wife seemed to enjoy all the benefits. She seemed to have gotten him so easily, almost effortlessly, which made me feel horrible. Like I said, she SEEMED to be receiving what I was supposed to get; you never really can know though, no couple is 100 percent happy 100 percent of the time, no way, all have issues. As far as I'm concerned, all she got was sloppy seconds.

    But nonetheless, he chose her to be his wife and not me. I'm now thankful I did not end up with him. Your ex has picked this woman to be his future wife. You don't have to like it (you don't), but obviously you must accept and respect it.

    I was blessed and it was in the cards for me to move on and meet my husband. That doesn't happen for everyone as LLM has pointed out. Life has different surprises in store for people. It still could happen for you, you have lots of time left to meet your match. This time next year, who knows, you could be in a relationship with the love of your life and you'll be thinking "P who??"!!

    You just have to get to that place where you can let go, I know it's hard because I had to do it, but it is possible. You'll feel better once you have. Remember that sometimes things have to fall apart in order for other things to fall into place.

    Last edited by justkeeppraying; 11-10-2009 at 01:41 PM.

     
    Old 11-10-2009, 01:57 PM   #11
    pendulum
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2007
    Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
    Posts: 3,933
    pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
    Erin, I think I saw a pic of you on another advice message board (I'm pretty sure that was you!). And, along with being intelligent, articulate and educated, you are cute as a button! I don't know anyone who hasn't been through a heartbreak no matter how much they have going for them.

    My best girlfriend is like you...she is educated, intelligent, funny, got a great personality, fun, and also happens to be as pretty as a supermodel...OH, and happens to be a size 4 with natural 36-Ds! But she spent her 20s in what I can only call agony. She was searching for love, and a husband and family...all she ever wanted in life. And she had to watch as I, her best friend, got married at 22 and had a baby at 24. She came to the hospital to see me and my new baby son, and the look on her face...I felt bad because she looked sad, envious, and then guilty of being envious of her best friend! Because, it appeared, I had everything she ever wanted. While she dated one loser after another, and had a 5 year "relationship" with a jerk who was using her for sex and gave her an STD. She got to 30, then past 30...nothing. Then, one day she met her future husband at work. They married when she was 33 and now have their own daughter...while I am now divorced and in the final stages of recovery from the breakup of my most recent, 4 year relationship with a jerk loser! We have reversed!

    So, we don't know what the future can hold. I understand that you feel "P" was the one for you and who you want your future to be with, but something else is waiting for you. Whether it's your future husband, some kind of accolades for work, etc., you just don't know. So you just can't decide now that you will never get what you want. You may get something completely different and not realize it was what you wanted until you get it.

    And don't be envious of that other woman...you are intelligent and accomplished as well, she is NOT better than you. She just got something in life that you wanted before, but that doesn't mean her life will be better. Look at me and my best friend! Who really ended up with what she wanted?

    I hope you start to feel better soon.
    Redneon, you have surpassed yourself with this post!

    Whatever I was going to say has turned pale in comparison...

    Anyway, I think that Erin's essential mistake could be that she has confused her life dream with this particular man - P. She thought that P would make her dream come true, but reality has showed her that he was just lightning, that is, immaterial.

    It could have been worse: he could have cheated on you or he could even have married you only to discover/tell you later on that you were not his type. In a way he has spared you some pain.

    You must believe that your dream has not been lost, Erin. You may need a few adjustments or a new focus, but don't let pessimism and despair get the better of you. Hold on. Learn Redneon's words by heart.

     
    Old 11-11-2009, 06:33 AM   #12
    Erin942
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Erin942's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2007
    Location: San Francisco
    Posts: 109
    Erin942 HB User
    Re: The ex is engaged (long)

    Thank you all so much for your messages. It is so helpful to get other perspectives on the situations. The last few days I have been totally plagued of thoughts of my ex P and his fiance. All these images of what their holidays will be like together, what their wedding will be like, how blissfully happy they must be all of the time. I'm thinking about where they will get married, what registries they'll do, will they go to Italy to honeymoon like he had always wanted to do and talked to me about? It is killing me and I know I need to stop these thoughts. I am trying to think of how to really rid him from my ruminations. I have spent so much time worrying and wondering about him and feeling hurt. When I am really down about it all, I think that even the two years we had together that were so happy is not worth all of the sadness and hard times I have had trying to get over him.. In really wanting to move on from all of this, I am trying to figure out how to go about completely moving on. Even though I really miss the friendships I had with our mutual friends, maybe them fading isn't the worst thing. It's another tie to P. If I am not in touch with them, then I don't know anything about P, how he is or what he is doing. There is no direct link to him in any way. Since he and I are not in touch, then that helps with the contact side of things. We've had exactly one email conversation in the 2.5 years since the breakup, which came just last year. I know I won't have to worry about running into him (we live about 35 miles apart) or drunk dialing or anything of that sort. There are no photos, presents, cards or anything to remind me of him as all were thrown out immediately following the breakup, so no tangible evidence remains. The other aspect I can control, or aim to control, is the magic of online research by way of search engines. He is very easy to Google, to find articles, photos. He is in ** and Twitter. It is easy to find out what he is up to. So not only is this "stalking" not good, but being able to find out details is not good. It gets me nowhere and just makes me feel left out and sorry for myself when he is posting photos of he and his fiance or tweeting about looking for wedding caterers.

    I know comparing myself to the fiance gets me nowhere. And while I am not a hideous person or unaccomplished, she just trumps me in every way -- more attractive, better graduate degree, likely better job, and she gets him. She wins in every category.

    I am happy for the most part about the majority of things in my life -- work, friendships, activities. But I truly feel like there is this big piece missing from my life and happiness and I am just not whole. I get up, go to work, work out, see friends, have weekend plans, do all of the everyday normal things. But I never am totally content and happy doing any of it. I'm never completely secure. I never completely relaxed. I'm tired of waking up alone, tired of seeing happy couples around me. I just want to fast forward through the holidays because I know I'll be forcing happiness at parties and get togethers and feeling completely left behind and lonely. I even dread having to see the happy couple commercials on tv, the jewelry store ads, the PDA couples walking around the mall. I know I'll just picture P and his fiance doing all those things together...they're engaged and haven't even spent a Christmas together yet. He and I spent two together. It's this whole season to celebrate and I have no one to celebrate with and at my most despondent, seemingly nothing to celebrate. It has just become a very lonely life without someone special in it. And it makes me literally ache with jealousy seeing others so seemingly perfectly happy with their relationships. I crave that so much and it hurts that I don't have it. And so I think back to my time with P when I was last really happy. I loved him more than any man. I thought we were most compatible and our relationship was the best. So I am not only lonely inthe present, but I'm lonely thinking of the past with him and sad how it never worked out for me. It;s just a cocktail of bad right now. I am sick of it all and want to move on for good.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Please Help. I am engaged but in love with someone else. anonymous5678 Relationship Health 54 07-26-2010 12:22 PM
    PLEASE HELP!! I am engaged and in love with someone else! Thank You! anonymous8767 Relationship Health 4 09-15-2009 09:22 PM
    engaged to an alcoholic Sugar64 Relationship Health 10 11-15-2006 08:26 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:54 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!