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    Old 11-11-2009, 12:45 AM   #1
    applesauce11
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    Depressed boyfriend

    Hello!

    So hereís my situation

    I started dating this guy in mid February. He is my best friendís brother and I knew him for about a year and a half before I started dating him. During that year and a half, I really didnít like him because he was rude to me and sometimes mean. And annoying. I asked my best friend why her brother was such a douche and she told me it was because he was comfortable with me. See, this guy is one of the shyest people youíll ever meet. For some reason, he felt comfortable with me right off the bat. I kind of didnít even notice he existed until I started working with him at a restaurant in late October though. In the span of about a month and a half.. I started to like him. I saw a different side of him. I was a hostess and he was a server. He was so helpful to me and he was so sweet. I guess I saw him in a new light.. and I started to think that he was hot (NEVER thought he was before)! We started hanging out a bit more.. and we were flirting like crazy and really getting along.

    So fast forward to January... we went to a club with some friends and both of us got drunk. I was more drunk than he was. I REALLY liked him at this point. We were dancing together and basically he told me that he liked me and I told him I liked him. We made out that night. A month went by... he didnít ask me out at all. I even had a talk with him about that night and we still didnít get anywhere. SO I took matters into my own hands and asked him out. We started dating in February! Things were really great... but we started getting into arguments because heíd never call me. Arguments meaning... serious talks. Heíd never text me. He didnít really ask me to hang out with him. He didnít show me signs that he was happy with me. He never even initiated hugs or kisses. I asked him if he didnít like me anymore and to be straight with me... he said that he did. I still kept getting mad at him because these things werent changing. It would be me expressing my distress over whatever I was mad at and him explaining why... and me understanding.

    The arguments continued... until one night we almost broke up. I was so fed up with how I was being treated that I was just wanting to talk to him and find out what exactly was going on. I knew he liked me because I felt it... but he wasnít showing me. He told me that the reason he doesnít call or text or sound excited about anything or kiss me is because heís depressed. He was made fun of all through his childhood and had a lot of bad stuff happen to him throughout his life. He goes through life feeling ugly and like heís a horrible person. So I did some research on depression. Symptoms, behaviour etc... it really all made sense why he was acting the way he was acting. SO we worked through it... I was still getting mad at him for some things though because even though I know he has depression and no confidence, I still felt hurt that he wouldnít show me that he liked me. He did try... sometimes. When I am with him, I am at my happiest. He makes me so happy I canít even breathe sometimes. But when Iím not with him... he doesnít text or call or anything really. Itís like I donít have a boyfriend. He can get me SO happy that Iím jumping off the walls... but he can also get me so down that I just want to cry and cry.
    It also felt like after we started dating... we kind of stopped flirting and having fun like we used to.

    So we have been trying to work through our problems. He told me that itís not fair to me... being with a guy with depression. He thinks that Iíd be happy with any other guy... and I told him that I donít want any other guy. I want him. He has such a good heart... and he is SUCH a good person. He loves his family so much. He loves animals. He cares about me. He has never tried to sleep with me. He respects me.

    However, he told me that he doesnít know if heíll ever fall in love... he said that it doesnít make sense to him how someone can fall in love with someone else. He doesnít think he ever will. He doesnít understand it. I asked him once if he thought weíd break up and he said yes... without any hesitation. Now, we are only 21. I know itís unlikely that we will end up together but it still hurt hearing that. It made me think... whatís the point?

    He went overseas for school for 4 months... weíve been apart for maybe 2 months now. He has called me 3 or 4 times... he messaged me on ******** a few times... but I feel like Iím really missing him. He says he misses me. We almost broke up the night he left. I told him that this was all too hard... this is so much to deal with for my first boyfriend. I wanted him to have the freedom to do what he wants when heís gone. I gave him EVERY opportunity to get out of the relationship... But he told me he wanted to see how things are when he gets back. He didnít want to break up with me. He thinks that things will change for him after this trip. I thought maybe they would because travelling often gives people more confidence... he seems to not be depressed from what Iíve seen and heard... and he looks like heís more confident. I just donít know though.

    Another thing is... I trust him. Not a lot of people can trust their significant other to go away for 4 months to another continent... but I trust him COMPLETELY.

    My question to you... what should I do? Should I stay with this guy? I feel like heís really worth it. But sometimes I feel like heís not making a big enough effort. I donít want to fall in love with him and have him not fall in love with me. Is it possible for someone whoís depressed to fall in love? Does it make sense that depression stops one from loving another? Should I have moved on from him before he left? I care about him SO much and I want to help him through his depression so badly. I donít know if I love him... Iím not even sure what love really is. I just know that I want him to get better and I want him to just be happy. Maybe we dont belong together and I'm just too blind to see it?Iím just so confused and Iíd really like some advice.


    Thanks!

     
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    Old 11-11-2009, 06:52 PM   #2
    justkeeppraying
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    Re: Depressed boyfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by applesauce11 View Post
    A month went by... he didn’t ask me out at all. I even had a talk with him about that night and we still didn’t get anywhere.

    I asked him once if he thought we’d break up and he said yes... without any hesitation.

    He went overseas for school for 4 months... we’ve been apart for maybe 2 months now. He has called me 3 or 4 times... he messaged me on ******** a few times... but I feel like I’m really missing him. He says he misses me.
    Well I'm no expert on depression or it's symptoms, so I don't know how much help I can be. However, these statements in your post bothered me.

    It kinda sounds to me like he's just not that into you. There's actually a book with that exact title, it's excellent, also made a movie. Look, when a guy has strong feelings for a woman, he does whatever he can to speak with her, whenever he can to see her, by any means necessary. No bridge is too long, no water too high, etc. He CHOOSES not to call you. No one is telling him that he cannot.
    You have initiated all contact with him from the beginning. Perhaps he really is shy, but at this point he should have 'grown out' of that with you, his gf.
    There's always a chance that love between you will develop, although, he has clearly stated that he does not see that happening. This is a red flag. He is telling you something here. This is the period where he is supposed to be whispering 'sweet nothings' in your ear.
    I'm not sure exactly what you should do. Let me say that love is not easy for anyone. The majority of people get their heart broken in their lifetime. Usually, more than once. It's part of life and the risk you must take to find it. If you don't put your heart on the line, you won't get a bite.
    Personally, I don't think this guy sounds mentally stable. He is certainly not emotionally ready for you right now. He seems to be suffering from very traumatic experinces from his youth that he still isn't over. I don't believe he is capable of being a good boyfriend to you until those issues are dealt with. I think that the two of you should remain close friends, but I wouldn't invest anything more to him yet. Not until he gets treatment for his problem.

    Have you talked to him about getting treatment? Does his family/ your best friend know about his depression? Has he been diagnosed by a doctor?

    Last edited by justkeeppraying; 11-11-2009 at 06:58 PM.

     
    Old 11-11-2009, 08:57 PM   #3
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    Re: Depressed boyfriend

    Oooooh god haha trust me when I say... we've had the "he's just not that into you" talk. I've asked him over and over and over again... and I told him that it's ok if that's how it is. He told me that he wouldn't continue to date me if he wasn't into me. He loves his sister SO much... more than anything... and he knows that if he were to continue dating me knowing that he didn't really like me... it would put a lot of stress on her. Haha when I saw that movie and read the book I INSTANTLY thought of him and I asked to talk to him.He assured me that that wasn't it.

    He has never really had a girl like him before me. He was the nerdy, dorky kid with glasses that everyone made fun of. My best friend (his older sister) had to protect him all throughout school because the bullying was so bad. I think that something like that stays with you even when you're 21. I couldn't imagine being bullied in the way he was all my life. He went through a big change... going from no girls liking him to one of the most popular girls he knew liking him. He often told me that he just didn't understand why I liked him.

    I don't think that we would be dating if he wasn't into me. HE is the one who wanted us to stay together before he left. He is the one who calls me when I'm annoyed at him for something. HE always wants to talk about things when we argue. I can be pretty pig headed sometimes. I know that he cares. I feel like he cares. He just has a lot of trouble showing it sometimes. You'd think that he'd have grown out of this shyness with me... and it IS happening... VERY very slowly. He's gotten SO much better from when we first started dating. His sisters even told me that they were so surprised at his improved behavior. It's just happening so slowly that I forget to notice. I guess I'm just expecting more and more because with any other guy... he WOULD be whispering sweet nothings into my ear. He WOULD be taking me out on dates all the time. Any other guy would be kissing me all the time. I found out a long time ago that this is not any normal guy though.

    I talked to him a little about getting help... he kind of shrugged it off. I think he was really embarrassed. I think he was on medication a while ago... but it didn't help any so he got off of it. His sisters do know about it. One of his other sisters actually suffers from it too. I don't know if his mom knows about his depression... she most likely does since they're so close. She has depression herself though so I don't really know what's going on there. He doesn't think that seeing anyone will help him. He doesn't think that talking about things is going to help him.

    I do think you're right though... he isn't capable of being a good boyfriend to me until he has sorted out his problems. I don't want to just abandon him though. I don't really know how it'll be if we break up. I don't know if he'll let me in as a friend. I mean... we haven't slept together yet so it's not like we have that awkwardness... but I know that he does want to be with me... So I'm not sure how to go about doing it. I don't really want to break up with him. I have asked him in the past if it would be easier for us to just be friends. I said that I understand that our relationship might be putting even more stress on him and maybe making his depression worse... I told him that I was 100% ok with just being friends.. but he said that he wants to be with me. He says that I have nothing to do with his depression. He constantly tells me that it isn't me... it's him. That's why we've been together this long.

    He's having a really good time overseas right now. I'm not sure how he's coping with his depression. He gets back in about a month. He did call me on my birthday! He has sent me messages on ******** and asked his sister (my best friend) about me... called me a few times. I just don't know what to do. Just wait until he gets back? I can't just break up with him without seeing him. I care about him way too much for that. Isn't it possible for me to help him through all of this? Or is this something he needs to figure out on his own?

    Thank you so much for replying. It really feels good to talk about this.

     
    Old 11-12-2009, 08:35 AM   #4
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    Re: Depressed boyfriend

    stop wasting your time.....you're just spinning your wheels.......
    what's so great about this guy anyway? or do you just feel sorry for him?

     
    Old 11-12-2009, 10:26 AM   #5
    justkeeppraying
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    Re: Depressed boyfriend

    You're absolutely correct. "Time heals wounds, but not scars". Your bf is always going to be hurt by what happened, that's natural after a repeated traumatic occurence. That's why he MUST have some type of intervention.

    No, he's not a typical 'normal' guy. You must ask yourself, is that what you want? A regular guy? Of course you probably do.

    If my memory serves me correctly, depression does/can have a hereditary link. Based on what you've said of his siblings and parents, he's at high risk, since it's prevalent in his immediate family. It seems very likely that he has it. But being diagnosed by a doctor is necessary, just to confirm everyone's hunch. It's a 'sensitive subject' for many people, so him blowing it off is not a surprise to me. Alot of folks, especially men, do not like to admitt that they need help.

    Is his mom getting help for her depression? You say your bf and her and very close, so odds are that if she is not, then he will probably think he doesn't need it either. He probably figures that she's ok and functioning ok, so he thinks he'll be fine too. I disagree. Let me tell you, the law of attraction applies to everything in life. If your bf believes that treatment won't help and talking to someone won't help, then guess what? It won't. His pessimism and negative attitude will prevent the results you crave. I realize that the meds he took before, he claims did nothing, but there are other different meds that might be better suited. People respond differently to different anti-depressants/medications. Some work for others, some don't. A doctor can assist in finding the right one. However, from what you say, your bf is not interested in that.

    I'm not telling you to break up with him. That's obviously up to you. You just have to decide if the pros outweigh the cons. The relationship between you two can NEVER be 100% healthy until he gets help. That's simply a fact.

    Personally, I would move on. Find someone else who is stable and ready to give you everything that you need. I know you deeply care for him and like him. He probably feels the same. It's not you, you have nothing to do with it, because he was depressed before you came into his life, and he would remain depressed even if you decided to leave. But for me, this would be too much. I would be willing to go through this with my husband if it came to it, no doubt, we made vows and promises to each other. But for a mere boyfriend when you're both so young? That's another story. There will be other guys that come along that you will like too. He is not the last Hershey's kiss.

    In order to become the boyfriend of your dreams, he has to get professional help. Heck, if he could completely change without help, then he would have already done so. And if he knew that secret, he could share it and put hundreds of thousands of specialists/psychologist out of business!!! He needs it. And he has to want it. He's the only one who can make that choice.

    Last edited by justkeeppraying; 11-12-2009 at 10:30 AM.

     
    Old 11-12-2009, 10:38 AM   #6
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    Re: Depressed boyfriend

    It seems to me that you love this guy for who you hope he'll be someday, not really for who he is right now. Who he is right now is a problem. And loving someone for who you hope they'll be someday is never a very good idea, always risking and hardly ever turns out the way you want.

    I'm not going to tell you to break up with him either, but it does seem as though you are putting his needs way above your own. Maybe it's a little thrill for you, to play the Florence Nightingale thing, and feel like you're being his savior. But you can't save, fix, change, heal or love someone into loving you. And I'm sure he doesn't really find much more pleasure in being your project than you feel in making him your project. Don't you think at some point, if he's going to love anyone, he's going to love someone who is completely happy and satisfied with him as he is, and not someone who is always trying to "fix" him? The bottom line is, if he isn't good solid boyfriend material, you can't MAKE him boyfriend material. He has to want to become boyfriend material, for himself, not just for you. And you don't really have any control over whether or not he will decide to do that.

    While he's over there having fun, I think you should have some fun, too. Get to know some new people and get a better sense of what you're looking for and what makes YOU happy.

     
    Old 11-12-2009, 10:45 AM   #7
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    Re: Depressed boyfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by justkeeppraying View Post
    ...
    In order to become the boyfriend of your dreams, he has to get professional help. Heck, if he could completely change without help, then he would have already done so. And if he knew that secret, he could share it and put hundreds of thousands of specialists/psychologist out of business!!! He needs it. And he has to want it. He's the only one who can make that choice.
    I agree with this. Being depressed is in fact not a big problem - it can happen to anyone at any time at all - but not wanting to overcome depression, not doing anything about it is a red flag to me. It is a sign that the person is either lazy or glad to be the way they are. They use their "depression" as a shield against life or as an excuse for their natural inactivity.

     
    Old 11-12-2009, 07:04 PM   #8
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    Re: Depressed boyfriend

    rosequartz.. No I don't feel sorry for him... well I do feel hurt for him but that isn't what's keeping me with him. He's just such a nice guy... he has gotten under my skin. That's how I am... it is really hard for me to get over something especially when the guy still likes me. It takes me SO long to form feelings for anyone so I guess I hold on until I can't hold on anymore. I just can't bring myself to just give up because that's not who I am. I just want things to work out...

    Justkeeppraying.. His mom isn't getting ANY help for her depression. None of the family has in the past. I don't think anyone thinks it's serious enough to go to the doctor. Maybe that's why he thinks it's pointless in going to see a doctor... he has in the past and it didn't help him. So I think he gave up on getting professional help. You hit the nail on the head though... he probably thinks that since his mom hasn't gotten any help, he doesn't need it.

    larrylou'smom... I think you might be right. I do love him as a person... I think he's funny and sweet and he has such a big heart. I think the world of him. Maybe I do love the person that he could become... but I think I also love the person he is right now. I just care about him so much that I want HIM to be happy... and I guess it makes me unhappy that he's unhappy. I don't know if that makes any sense... I rarely make sense when I'm talking about him:P I do know that I can't fix him. I know that 100%. We've talked about all of this stuff... I guess it's just really hard for me to let him go.

    pendulum- that is exactly what he's doing. He does use his depression as a sheild against life. His oldest sister does it too. He is just set on the fact that he has it and has no intention of really changing it. He thinks he's just in a slump and is stuck in this slump forever.. is there anything I can say to get him on the right track? Or is this something only HE needs to do alone?

    You guys are really making me think about things. I'm definitely going to consider your advice. You're right. We are both so young... this is silly. I shouldn't be THIS invested in him... should I? He is my first real boyfriend. I guess I should've broken things off before when we kept having all those serious talks about all this serious stuff. It is a lot to take on. I just felt like... you know.. I have never had depression and I'm so bubbly and happy most of the time. I thought that being around someone like me might help him. NOT that I saw him as a charity case or anything. I guess I was holding on to the chance that he will get better and that's just not right.

    I am just going to wait until he gets back in a month... see how things are. I can't break up with him over the phone or the internet. I won't do that. I just need to talk to him in person.. if things haven't changed by much and/or he still doesn't want to get help... I will call it quits and tell him that I think we should just be good friends. I love him as a person. Maybe he just shouldn't be my boyfriend.. Thanks again for all your responses. You really helped me see things clearly

    Last edited by applesauce11; 11-12-2009 at 07:08 PM.

     
    Old 11-13-2009, 05:15 AM   #9
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    Re: Depressed boyfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by applesauce11 View Post
    ...I am just going to wait until he gets back in a month... see how things are. I can't break up with him over the phone or the internet. I won't do that. I just need to talk to him in person.. if things haven't changed by much and/or he still doesn't want to get help... I will call it quits and tell him that I think we should just be good friends. I love him as a person. Maybe he just shouldn't be my boyfriend.. Thanks again for all your responses. You really helped me see things clearly
    This is a great decision. It shows to me that you are a decent and intelligent person. I am well-impressed.

     
    Old 11-14-2009, 02:50 PM   #10
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    Re: Depressed boyfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by applesauce11 View Post
    However, he told me that he doesnít know if heíll ever fall in love... he said that it doesnít make sense to him how someone can fall in love with someone else. He doesnít think he ever will. He doesnít understand it. I asked him once if he thought weíd break up and he said yes... without any hesitation. Now, we are only 21. I know itís unlikely that we will end up together but it still hurt hearing that. It made me think... whatís the point?
    It sounds to me like you have a good handle on things. It's very kind and brave of you to wait and talk to him face to face.

    Of everything you initially posted this is what would worry me. He does not understand how to fall in love.....bear in mind that he doesn't think of it as a feeling you can't control but an action you take. That, to me, is a red flag that it might be something he can't change about himself. It would be wonderful for him to grow and mature into emotional growth, but it does sound like he's got a long way to go.

     
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