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  • Is he a Sociopath?

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    Old 11-29-2009, 08:55 AM   #1
    STEVE_M
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    Is he a Sociopath?

    I have known a Russian guy (35yrs old) for over 2years now. He is a mature student who never has held down a job for more than a few months and for the last 8 years been a student in England. I met him at college and we got on well from the start. In the first Christmas he bought me a $400 pen. We then met up for drinks every so often. Gradually we would meet weekly and twice weekly, then he said he had no money so it ended up with me paying. I grew very fond of him and he seemed to like me. I thought he was alone in London but 6 months ago I found out by chance that he was living with a man (for the last 6 years) who paid for everything but got nothing in return. He is secretive; paranoid sometimes; tells lies and never apologises when he is in the wrong. I end up paying for everything. Once I met him he was wearing a new coat and boots costing over $1000. He said his sister paid for them (she probably did) – yet he owed me money! Recently a teacher of his had stroke but he showed no sympathy at all. I once was interviewed in the street for television – my friends thought it was great. But he said nothing and showed no interest. He treats waiters and other workers badly and is always complaining in bars and restaurants. But he can be charming company and is sociable when he wants to be. He now says he wants to visit Japan with me (I wonder who will pay).

    He has lately been rude to me and told me that he is angry with the guy he lives with because he wont buy him his own apartment! All my friends and family dislike him. 8 of them have said I should dump him. My daughter saw a photo of him and said instantly ‘he is a sociopath’. An ex policeman I know says he is a conman. My mother says he will bleed me dry etc. The trouble is I like him and never get rid of friends.He has given presents to my mother. Is he a sociopath? Or is he narcissistic ? Is there one test to prove one way or the other? Or am I a silly old fool? Any advice would be great.

     
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    Old 11-29-2009, 11:08 AM   #2
    resolution09
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    Re: Is he a Sociopath?

    Gold Digger: Any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits.

    Substitute man.

    You're no different than many folks who post here. You know it's not a healthy relationship. You know you're being used. But you're getting enough out of it to stick
    around. Eventually you'll be fed up and end it whenever you are ready. Until that
    time I'd say you might be close to being a silly old fool but I'm not sure that's exactly
    correct since I think you know the score and are just determining not to look at the score board right now.

    Oh, and I'm not sure I'd consider him a sociopath unless there's more to his poor behavior. Maybe just a user who's doing well at it.

    Last edited by resolution09; 11-29-2009 at 11:10 AM.

     
    Old 11-29-2009, 12:02 PM   #3
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    Re: Is he a Sociopath?

    A successful manipulator rather than a sociopath. I know it's easier to give someone a psychological label rather than believe they are simply just not a very nice person...because then you can say "the poor guy can't help it, he has a mental condition!" Which excuses his behavior...and which I seldom buy.

    You can allow him to use you for money if you would rather keep him around. But then, knowing the score, it's not easy to get people to feel bad for you, because he is using you with your full consent.
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    Old 11-29-2009, 12:55 PM   #4
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    Re: Is he a Sociopath?

    Well, psychiatric medical journals define sociopathy as characterized by lacking in empathy, shallow emotions, glibness and superficial charm, being manipulative and conning, grandiose sense of self worth, pathological lying, and impulse control problems. A sociopath is someone who feels the world is supposed to revolve around them and they need not give anything back. Sounds like everything you've described in this guy.

    I'm not a mental health diagnostician so I'm not going to say he's a sociopath, but the bottom lline is, what does it really matter? He is who he is, and he's not going to change. So my question is, what are YOU getting out of being in a relationship with him? Are you more than friends with this guy, or are you hoping to be? I'm wondering why you are still willing to be treated badly, to have your feelings dismissed and discounted, your needs not recognized, and your money and time used by this man? What are you getting out of it? A feeling of validation on some level, so you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I'm such a good person, look, I never get rid of a friend, no matter how bad a person he turns out to be." Only you can decide whether whatever you're getting out of this relationship is worth what it's costing you. I have to be honest, this is usually a problem that we hear from women with very low self esteem, who get romantically tangled with a man they can't seem to quit no matter how badly he treats or uses them. Please don't be upset, I'm not making assumptions, I'm just looking at it from every single possible angle. I'm just wondering WHY you like him, when from what you described, there's not really anything likeable about him.

    It's your choice, it's up to you. As long as you go into it with your eyes open and embrace the fact that you cannot change this man, he will always be who he is. If for whatever reason, having him in your life means that much to you that you are willing to give him money, do things for him and not get anything, not even empathy or emotional support of any kind, back from him, then I guess that's fine, as long as you KNOW that's what you're choosing. I would advise, however, to keep him away from your daughter or anyone else you love and whose trust YOU want to keep. He won't think twice about messing them over, too, and then they'll blame you for bringing him into their lives, and on some level, they'd be right. So I think it would be a good idea to not subject anyone else to him.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 11-29-2009 at 01:03 PM.

     
    Old 11-29-2009, 02:23 PM   #5
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    Re: Is he a Sociopath?

    He's not a friend, he's a user and a manipulator. It's a very unhealthy relationship and it will only get worse unless you put your foot down.

    I don't know if he's a sociopath but it's clear that he's not a good person at all.

    Why would you want to drag yourself down with someone like this? You're going to get hurt over and over again. Your expectations of him are way too high. He will always disappoint you and he will always let you down. You know that already. Doesn't sound like it's worth it to stay friends with this user.

     
    Old 11-30-2009, 09:40 AM   #6
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    Re: Is he a Sociopath?

    Thank you for your comments. I think you are probably correct and he is a gold digger. I guess I enjoyed his company and felt flattered (I am in my fifties). I am told by others that I am easily flattered. Sometimes it is good to have another opinion even though deep down I know what to do.

     
    Old 11-30-2009, 09:41 AM   #7
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    Re: Is he a Sociopath?

    No, I don't think you are an old silly fool, but I remain somewhat confused about the kind of relationship you have with this man or intend to have. Sorry if I say it bluntly, and not so nicely as LLM did, but do you have any love feelings towards this bloke? Or sexual feelings, to be more precise? Even if this is the case, you should dump him, because he is not reciprocating any emotional feelings from you. Or could it be your love of the Russian language and ways? I know, I know, they are fascinating to many of us, but...

    I don't know if he is a sociopath. Why do you really want to know? Do you need to validate your decision with a medical or psychological explanation? The facts are raw. Unless you are exaggerating, he is not making any good to you. I don't know your age, but you come across as an interesting and intelligent person. I think you deserve better friends and I am sure you can find them.

     
    Old 11-30-2009, 09:56 AM   #8
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    Re: Is he a Sociopath?

    Thanks Larry lou'smom. Wonderful comments that together with the other comments I have received have kept me grounded when I felt the urge to contact him. I guess I do have low esteem. He was originally like a piece of candy floss - fun to look at and be around but like candy floss once you bite into it there is very little there! I am always told that I am too soft and too kind for my own good (I am not bragging now). I just like being a mentor to others and try to help them. I have decided not to contact him. If he contacts me I think I will to have make it clear there is no more money available. Wouldn't it be great if he said that did not matter as he would pay for me? Alas, there is more chance that Santa Claus exists than this happening. I just hope I can hold out this time.

    Thanks again all of you.

     
    Old 11-30-2009, 10:01 AM   #9
    STEVE_M
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    Re: Is he a Sociopath?

    Dear Pendulum

    Yes, love but waning. Exaggerating? if only. You are right of course. Thank you.

     
    Old 12-08-2009, 06:38 PM   #10
    familyguy ROCKS
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    Re: Is he a Sociopath?

    hes bad new. simply put.

     
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