It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Should I be Concerned??

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 12-14-2009, 07:45 PM   #1
    d3sire
    Member
    (female)
     
    d3sire's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Location: Toronto Canada
    Posts: 63
    d3sire HB User
    Should I be Concerned??

    My boyfriend of 5 years talks about cheating a lot... not about him cheating on me but just about cheating in general. He will mention things about his male coworkers cheating on their wives/girlfriends which I guess would be normal for him to talk about with me but it seems like everyone he knows cheats. He was training someone at work, the first time they ever met and he came home to tell me how this guy cheats on his long-term girlfriend. Isn't it kind of odd that this would come up in conversation upon meeting someone? He brings up stuff he heard on the radio or saw on tv about cheating too. Like the other day he said he heard on the radio that a certain website had advertisements up in the subway that read "Life is too short, have an affair". On average I would say the topic of cheating comes up every second to third day. I find it a bit strange...

    Earlier today I wanted to check my emails and when I went to my email providers page my boyfriends account came up already logged in. I know I shouldn't have but there was a email from a coworker of his and I opened it. It was mostly just work related stuff but when I read the original message that my boyfriend had sent to him he mentioned how "good looking" his new manager is and that she "likes him" (I am guessing in a professional sense?). I know he got a new manager and that she is a woman and I did ask him if she was pretty and he said no... He also mentioned how he likes his new position at work because of all the "sexy girls". That really bothered me.... His coworker wrote something about how he should be a good boy with a little winky face....

    I don't really know what to think... Part of me says this is just normal guy stuff but I am kind of bothered by the email and I am wondering what is with all this interest in the topic of infidelity. Am I reading too much into this? Whenever he talks about cheating, specifically about his friends and coworkers cheating he always makes a point to say that it is wrong, that if you don't want to be with somebody/want to be with someone else that you should end things instead of cheating but after reading the email and seeing him talk about his new hot manager and sexy female clients I am a little put off. He does sometimes talk about different clients and when one is particularly attractive to him I can tell by the way he tells the story and the goofy smile... I also heard that men are most likely to cheat at work... Do you think I should be concerned?

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 12-14-2009, 07:52 PM   #2
    Kszan
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 5,246
    Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    If I were you, I'd ask him point blank why he is so preoccupied with the topic of cheating. Ask him why he keeps bringing it up and talking about it. Tell him that you think it's rather an odd topic to obsess about. You've been going out with him long enough, you should be able to talk about this kind of thing with him at this point.

     
    Old 12-14-2009, 09:09 PM   #3
    d3sire
    Member
    (female)
     
    d3sire's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Location: Toronto Canada
    Posts: 63
    d3sire HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    I have asked him. In particular with the coworker he was training I asked how his cheating came up in conversation. He said that they spent all day together and it just came up. I have asked him how he always seems to know when someone is cheating and he will just make a joke about him looking trustworthy or something to that effect. He was quick to tell me about the whole Tiger Woods drama too and when I said I wasn't really surprised because it seems like all men cheat nowadays he made it a point to say that he doesn't/wouldn't.

    I don't really have any reason to suspect that he is cheating on me... but all of this does make me wonder if he is thinking about cheating on me.. It seems like all his friends in relationships cheat. One of his good friends is in the process of buying a house with his girlfriend and my boyfriend said to me the other day how he doesn't understand why he would buy a house with her when he cheats on her and has told him that he is just settling for her because it is too much effort to start another 'real' relationship (not the flings he has with other girls). I have read before that men with friends that cheat are more likely to cheat themselves. I don't think he has even one friend that has not cheated on his girlfriend/wife. I am kind of worried that this will 'normalize' cheating for him. I have been somewhat suspicious with his preoccupation with the subject of cheating for awhile now but reading the email about 'sexy girls' really has me worried. I would rather not confront him about the email because I shouldn't have read it.

     
    Old 12-14-2009, 09:43 PM   #4
    AnnD
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2002
    Posts: 2,366
    AnnD HB UserAnnD HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    IF he has been talking about it for five years and you are still there why are you asking at this point in time. Yes of course he is someone to be concerned about but why would you care now. I mean he couldn't be anymore clear if he hit you over the head... I would say he is very immature and I wonder why you are still with him...if this is new behavior run for the hills...sorry but you will have a sad sad future with this guy....love is trust and it isn't always wondering.

     
    Old 12-15-2009, 11:17 AM   #5
    d3sire
    Member
    (female)
     
    d3sire's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Location: Toronto Canada
    Posts: 63
    d3sire HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    AnnD,

    Him talking about cheating is a new thing, a few months maybe. It is small things like "so and so is cheating on his wife" or "did you hear about Tiger Woods?" or "I heard on the radio today that men are more likely to cheat with a coworker" etc. When we have blunt conversations about our relationship he says that he would never cheat, if it got to the point that our relationship was no longer satisfying/working/savable that it would be best to end things and move on as opposed to being together and cheating.

    As far as the email goes I know part of it is immaturity. He is 25 and works with a lot of men and I know men talk about women that are not their wives/girlfriends when they aren't around. I can't expect him to never look at other women and I am happy that he has enough common sense not to comment on their appearances with me and save it for his male friends. As I stated before I really don't have any reason to believe that he is cheating on me. He is always were he says he is going to be when I call, no strange numbers on the phone bill, nothing out of the ordinary besides for these strange comments recently....

     
    Old 12-15-2009, 12:01 PM   #6
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,286
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    my guess is he's bringing it up so to make it nonchalant....oh tiger woods cheats, my co-worker cheats, everyone is doing it......that way when he DOES cheat it will be no big deal.....everyone does it.

     
    Old 12-15-2009, 12:17 PM   #7
    Kszan
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 5,246
    Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    Just tell him straight up that his obsession with this topic is totally weird and you don't want to hear it anymore. It's definitely a sign of immaturity for him to go on and on and on about it like this.

    Tell him! He needs to stop being such a clueless wonder and get his head out of his bum before he says something totally stupid to the wrong person and it backfires in his face.

     
    Old 12-15-2009, 01:43 PM   #8
    digmusic
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    digmusic's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 930
    digmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    Sounds like he's fascinated by the topic, which is really odd, or maybe he's trying to ease a guilty conscience... his coworker wrote to be a "good boy" with a wink??? I would watch out for that one... she could know he has a girlfriend and that's what she meant by that

     
    Old 12-15-2009, 01:44 PM   #9
    digmusic
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    digmusic's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 930
    digmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    I do think the emails from coworkers are inappropriate. I would just ask him about all this and straight up ask him if he is cheating/planning to cheat. He will probably deny it but you can tell by someone's reaction usually if they mean what they're saying.

     
    Old 12-15-2009, 03:16 PM   #10
    d3sire
    Member
    (female)
     
    d3sire's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Location: Toronto Canada
    Posts: 63
    d3sire HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    I know I shouldn't have but it was bothering me all day so I went back and read all the emails between him and this coworker (male coworker btw). It is mostly work related, a little gossip like 'so and so might be getting fired', sports talk and silly insults back and forth. The things of worry are;

    coworker to boyfriend:
    - "Have you been getting into trouble??" (could be work related?)
    - "How are things at home? You being a good little boy "
    - "Are there any hot girls in accounting?"

    boyfriend to coworker:
    - "The new manager is already saying how much she likes me. She is much better looking then anything in (his old department)"
    - "lots of sexy girls" (referring to clients in his new area)

    I agree with what Rosequartz said about bringing it up so to make it nonchalant. There has to be a reason the subject of cheating is fascinating enough to him to bring it up all the time. I think it is a clear sign that it is something he at least thinks about... I would really rather not ask him about the emails. I have invaded his privacy in the past and overreacted which turned into a big mess. I do have a tendency to be mistrustful and sensitive to things which turn out to be nothing at all. He also gave me the password to email (which is how I read them). I had sent him a email the other day that I wanted him to see and he checked it when he got home, I told him to put his password in but he just told me what it was instead. If he was hiding something he probably wouldn't have given up the password so easily...

     
    Old 12-15-2009, 04:51 PM   #11
    digmusic
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    digmusic's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 930
    digmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    I really hate to implant doubt into your head if there is nothing to worry about, as I know more than anyone how painful that can be. However, I really think the "how are things at home, have you been a good little boy?" is a bad sign. Why would he ask that question if he thought that your boyfriend has never or would never cheat?

    You need to sit down and have a serious talk with your boyfriend. I wouldn't let on that you read his emails either, as he will get mad and then THAT will become the focus of the discussion and he won't listen to you. Can you say that you heard from a trustworthy source that he has been flirting at work or something? Do you know any of his friends so that wouldn't seem totally ridiculous? If you can't, I would still talk to him about it. Tell him you are concerned that he is cheating or planning to cheat and that you won't stand for it. Be careful though, because this might just teach him to hide better. I certainly hope he's not cheating on you, but the "are you being a good little boy" comments just seem like they've at least talked about cheating before.

     
    Old 12-15-2009, 07:41 PM   #12
    justkeeppraying
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    justkeeppraying's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Posts: 122
    justkeeppraying HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    I don't like the "how are things at home?" comment. He possibly confided in him about past disputes with you. Why would his coworker ask how things are if he had no reason to believe things were bad? If the coworker was under the impression that things were normal or good, then he would have asked how you are doing, not how stuff at home is. That's my interpretation, but it may not necessarily be so.

    The remark about being a "good little boy" rubs me the wrong way. Your boyfriend claims to you he'd never cheat, so if he's honest, that means he tells everyone else the same thing. So why would him being a good boy be a joke between him and his coworker? It's a strong indication that they've talked about cheating. Maybe even which "sexy girl" it would be with if he were to do it.

    Isn't it funny how he finishes off everytime with "but I never would"?! In my experience, I find that guilty people try extra extra hard (and often overdo it) when trying to "reassure" (make someone believe) something. They'll always freely 'offer' it to the other person every chance they get, the other person doesn't even have to ask anything. Sometimes it's to the point where the other person knows they're going to say it because it's become like a script. The emails are very fishy.

    By being repetitive, he's attempting to engrain into your head that he's loyal, in hopes that you'll believe him. Many studies have shown that the more someone hears something, the more likely they'll believe it. I think that's what's going on here. I HIGHLY doubt that he says "but I never would" to his cowokers.

    You need to talk to him. Speaking about the emails specifically would cause distrust since you weren't supposed to look, but then again, a person should always be honest. Since your boyfriend just LOVES to bring up cheating so much in conversation, then he cannot get mad if you bring up the topic to discuss. Getting angry would make him a hypocrite. So talk to him. I hope that I am wrong though, and that he really is a faithful person, but that's questionable. Best wishes and good luck to you.

    Last edited by justkeeppraying; 12-16-2009 at 06:00 AM.

     
    Old 12-16-2009, 07:13 PM   #13
    familyguy ROCKS
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    familyguy ROCKS's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2009
    Posts: 46
    familyguy ROCKS HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    i think that because he is continuously bringing up cheating, and how everyone does it, hes possibly trying to get a reaction from you. it is true that when someone is surrounded by a certain "group" of people, those behaviors tend to rub off and then it becomes somehow "justified" because everyone he knows, behaves that way as well.

    with him giving you his password, i wouldnt take that as he wouldnt give it to you if he was cheating, because maybe its a set up. if he has these emails from his coworkers, and hes open with his password, maybe he WANTS you to read them. maybe hes testing you, to see if you do infact read through his emails.

    i think that its sketchy, and to some extent you have reason to be concerned. i would really just ask him, face to face if he has cheated. just say something like "you talk about how everyone you know cheats, is that something that you have done, or something you have intentions with?"

    his reaction will show and it should be pretty clear as to what is behind these conversations.

     
    Old 12-17-2009, 11:11 AM   #14
    marshmello
    Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2003
    Location: VA
    Posts: 55
    marshmello HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    Sounds like he has cheated already or is about to. Hire a Sexy Decoy. See if he passes the test. My sister's X-husband used to tell her juicy stories about all of his cheating coworkers and acted as tho he was so disgusted with them but in the end, we found that he was the biggest DOG of them all. What's done in the dark always comes to light.

     
    Old 12-17-2009, 11:17 AM   #15
    d3sire
    Member
    (female)
     
    d3sire's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Location: Toronto Canada
    Posts: 63
    d3sire HB User
    Re: Should I be Concerned??

    I have asked him many times flat out if he is cheating or if he ever would cheat. He usually gets quite angry, says that after all this time I should know him better, that he would never cheat. I know some will interpret his defensiveness as guilt but I think I would feel the same way if he asked me numerous times if I was cheating, because I know and he should know that I never would. I really don't believe that he is cheating on me, at least not at this point, though I suppose most people who are being cheated on would feel the same. The emails are fishy and it bothers me that he would talk about other girls like this. The stuff about 'how are things at home' really could just refer to his home life in general. I really wouldn't/don't mind if he talks about disputes he has had with me with a friend. I talk about our fights with friends and even strangers on the net, sometimes you need a fresh perspective. Maybe his friend was referring to an argument?

    I do know that he looks at other girls quite regularly. I know he watches porn, which does bother me but that is my issue not his. I know that when he is out with friends that they check out girls, make comments etc. I suppose it is normal but it just worries me that his interest in the attractiveness of other women will lead him to cheat. I sometimes wish that he had had more experiences with other women before we met. He has only ever been in a serious relationship with me, and has slept with 1 other girl. Maybe he does wonder about what other women are like.... but at this point I am going to trust that he isn't cheating. I don't want to make a huge issue out of this with him. I just have to trust him.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Should I be concerned abou this comment my doc made? brianpain33 Pain Management 20 04-15-2008 02:27 PM
    Should we be concerned? Sue58 Cancer: Prostate 5 02-05-2008 12:08 PM
    how concerned should i be about my husbands numbers kbelow High Cholesterol 2 11-04-2007 03:05 PM
    What Should I Do??? goody2shuz Bipolar Disorder 137 08-01-2007 09:38 AM
    Polycystic Kidney Disease - should I be concerned? Georgette Kidney Disorders 14 04-27-2005 05:19 PM
    What does this mean?..should I be concerned? classiccarguy Liver & Pancreas Disorders 1 02-24-2005 01:28 PM
    Dilemma! Should I betray a friend in order to help her? jengisima Teen Health 8 01-21-2004 04:57 PM
    Should I be concerned? GeoRunnerHondo Exercise & Fitness 4 06-26-2003 04:27 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:20 AM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!