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    Old 12-21-2009, 03:39 PM   #1
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    When you can't decide where to live

    This isn't an issue right this very second, but it will become one eventually. Among the myriad of issues between my BF and I, one of them is the issue of where we each wish to live. Our hometown is Nowheresville, USA...a little hick town with few jobs. He wants to stay here because he doesn't want to move away from our friends (I understand this) and because his parents are leaving him their house.

    I, on the other hand, want to move to the area near where I went to college. There are many more job opportunities there, both in general and for my field of study (graphic design major), and I just love that area. I would be willing to travel to see friends and family back home, but I do not want to use my degree to work in a grocery store forever.

    BF knows I want to live out there, but I don't think he's too keen on it because he's getting a free house at some point. If he was dead-set on staying here...well...I'd probably still move and get an apartment with my friend who lives in the suburbs near CollegeTown and just tell BF to let me know when he's ready to join me.

    I'm not sure how I should go about handling this when the time comes to discuss it. How much should I compromise on where to live?

     
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    Old 12-21-2009, 03:43 PM   #2
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    live your life......your BF doesn't want to do anything unless you prod him and prodding a grown man gets old.....
    move on from this guy, he's a noncommunicative bump on a log

     
    Old 12-21-2009, 04:24 PM   #3
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    Ummm...are his parents going to be gone soon? Are they ill and close to death? Or are they relatively healthy and might live for oh, another 20 or more years? Is your BF willing to stay put in the basement for 5, 10, 20 more years, just so he can wait to inherit the house? And are YOU willing to stay put for that long?
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    Old 12-21-2009, 05:14 PM   #4
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    Well...his mother might pass away soon due to very bad health, and I think his father is fixing to go and live with another woman once his wife is gone, and I think Dad expects my BF to sort of upkeep the house while Dad is alive so he can use it as a sort of summer home until he himself passes away.

    Honestly, I really do not want to stay around here...I don't mind waiting a little bit, but I'm not living here forever and will probably go to where I want to live after a while. I guess I'm not sure how long I should wait, or how to tell him gently that while he might be willing to wait around to inherit the house for a decade, I am not. I won't mind doing the long-distance relationship thing again if he feels the need to hang around for a few years in Nowheresville while I go live in CollegeTown.

    I guess I just want to know how to firmly, but still gently discuss this with him. I don't want him to think I'm running off with my friend, but I also do not want him to think I am going to live in his parents' house with him like he wants me to do (while they are still living there). I like his parents, but only in very short bursts...not to mention their in-house chain-smoking irritates my breathing.

     
    Old 12-21-2009, 05:50 PM   #5
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    Being as he's just your BF, do what you would normally do with your life if you were single. Just based on what you've posted, this guy sounds like he lacks any ambition and has his life centered on inheriting (which is kind of morbid, as well as lazy.) Basically your question is, "Do I allow this guy to run my life and give up all my dreams, or do I follow my dreams and he can follow or not?" I think the answer is kind of obvious.

     
    Old 12-21-2009, 11:10 PM   #6
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    Since you're the only one in the relationship who will ever have a job then its your call where you get to live. If he doesn't like it let him stay there and be a jobless loser who never has any money. But don't plan your life around him! You're right, you shouldn't stay there and be a grocery bagger with a college degree, that would be stupid! Get your own life in order and do what you need to do for you. He can either cowboy up and be a man and get a job and join you or he can continue to be a jobless loser who has a house but no money to pay any of the bills. Yeah, good times!

    Are ya kiddin me? What's it going to take for you to see that he will do nothing but drag you down with him? Geez girl, you're fifty levels above him, its time to set the bar higher and date someone who has their life together. You already know he will never amount to anything in life. You know he will just sponge off you for paying everything. Why are you putting yourself in that position?

     
    Old 12-21-2009, 11:59 PM   #7
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    Seems to me you have already discussed the issue and you told him you were leaving for school and really that's all that needs to be said for now. This all sounds like young first love and this too shall pass. Get on with your education and it will all fall into place as it should so there is no need to drone on and on about a subject that you already know how it ends. Your boyfriend has pick his road and you are on another path there is no other way to put it ...your relationship will eventually end that's a given but for now just have fun with it...there is no future. If he doesn't know it that's okay it will happen naturally. There is nothing wrong with his plan it just isn't your plan. good luck.

     
    Old 12-22-2009, 05:54 AM   #8
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    Come on. You know the answer to this.

    You don't compromise one bit. You've chosen a path that includes a higher education and a very promising career as a respected professional (my hubby has a Bachelor of Fine Arts with a minor in Graphic Design). And you're wondering how to cope with your deadbeat bf who refuses to work, still lives at home with his parents, is waiting for them to die so he can have their house and spends his time playing video games?

    Meanwhile, you've got guys you admittedly have crushes on, who like you, who are moving along the same path as you (school, education, promising careers) RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!

    Girl, get with the program. Seriously.

    When the time comes, you tell your BF that you are not going to throw away your education. Oh, and don't think for a nanosecond that you can work in a grocery store for a few years and then come back to the graphic design community. You will be left behind in the dark because of advances in technology and the world's industries making the leap from print to digital. You need to secure employment in your industry as soon as you graduate. Ideally you'll have employment or at least very strong leads by the time you're finished with your internship.

    And I think you need to work on a positive outlook for yourself. All your posts are full of doom and gloom, whether it's weight loss, the prospect of children in the future, your BF and your crushes. You come here for advice. People consistently -- on a variety of topics -- give you AMAZING, SOLID advice, yet you always have excuses for not taking it. You remind me of Wednesday Adams.

    Cheer up

    Last edited by StenoLady1; 12-22-2009 at 05:59 AM. Reason: 'cause BFA is not the British Freeriding Association in my case. What's with all these dumb links everywhere?

     
    Old 12-23-2009, 03:06 PM   #9
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    Kszan, that was sort of my intention...to just kind of say "I'm going whether you like it or not, but you're welcome to join me". I just don't really know how to say that nicely. Also, considering my loan debts and bills, there's no way I could afford to support him sitting on his bum doing nothing...even if I had the choice, I wouldn't do that, but I will not have the option because I'll be broke. So he'll have to live in a homeless shelter or with his family if he refuses to work. I know he *can* work, but he's so addicted to video games that he just won't. I think that may be because he has no "fire" lit under him to motivate him, such as rent, debt, or bills. His parents whine about him mooching, but they refuse to evict him...then again, they also let him borrow their car and then make it so he can only go a short distance from home with it, so they are also kind of sabotaging his job hunting endeavors. He needs a car, but he needs money to buy one. He needs a job to get money. He needs a car to get to a job. The car he has available can't be taken out of town. So he's kinda stuck.

    AnnD, I actually already have my degree, but I'm hoping to get into grad school next fall. It's after that I would want to think about moving back to the city...it's also after that my BF plans on proposing to me and I'm not sure how to say "No, not until we talk" without breaking his heart when he does ask (since I think he will forget we need to work out all our problems before making any permanent arrangements).

    StenoLady, it's very hard to have a positive outlook on life when I really have little faith in myself and my relationship seems very...well...not promising. I can't take the advice given on my BF because everyone resorts to "OMG break up" as a response and I'm looking for ways of dealing with these issues that do not involve getting up and running away from them, since that's kind of the cowardly way out IMHO. I guess I need to put that in big bold letters in each of my BF-related topics.

     
    Old 12-23-2009, 03:17 PM   #10
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    you think it's cowardly to leave a relationship that is offering you nothing?

    you think it's cowardly to leave a man who has no motivation, no drive, no desire to better himself.....no desire to work at all

    you think it's cowardly to want and deserve better than this?

    ok well go ahead and stay in this rut......that's awful brave of you

     
    Old 12-23-2009, 03:43 PM   #11
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    Your BF is choosing to hide from HIS issues, so is that being brave? And yes, they are HIS issues and only become yours if you choose to put yourself there.

    I would never consider marrying a man who had to have a "fire" lit under him to want to get a job. I mean, come on! That's just the way life is and anyone who chooses to not have any kind of responsibility isn't really marriage material in my book.

    You are concerned about breaking his heart if you refuse his marriage proposal or put him off...but is he concerned about breaking your heart by refusing to get a job?

    There are ways to get around...public transportation, ask a friend, etc. Of course, there are also a million excuses for not doing this if you want to look for them.

    As for "kindly" telling him you don't want to live with him and wait for his parents to die...just explain just as you have here, that there's no future and no career for you there and you need to be in the city where you can fulfill your dreams...and he can come along when he gets a job and chooses to join you there. Simple as that.
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    Old 12-23-2009, 04:35 PM   #12
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    Dark Stranger-

    It takes courage to get out of a dead end relationship. It's not cowardice. People have fundamental values that will surface regardless of their circumstances. Your BF, if he wanted to work, would work. He would take a cab, take the bus, bum rides with friends, whatever it took. I know people who want to work. They find a way. Do you think most people have cars given to them first, to allow them to get jobs? No. Most people start out walking or riding the bus to work. They save their money. They buy a car. That might get them a better job because now they can travel further. They save their money. They get an apartment. They save their money. They buy a house. This guy's lives with his parents, plays video games all day, and doesn't work. There are entire clichés written about guys like that. One cliché that doesn't exist about guys like that is how they're such a good catch and great marriage material. No, they're not. I know that it's scary. You probably love him, but he's just dragging you down. Give him the ultimatum for him to get off his butt or you're outta there, and then follow through. It's about self-respect, and you need to find some for yourself.

     
    Old 12-23-2009, 05:48 PM   #13
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    What do you realistically think is going to happen? If you really sit down and think it thru logically, what do you think will happen in the future once you get your graduate degree? Really realistically, what do you truly think will happen with your bf? Do you you truly believe he will ever get a job? Do you truly think he will ever grow up and want to be an adult? When you realistically look at it, I think you will realize that you already know the answer. And you know this guy is not marriage material.

    Let's say he goes out and tries to find a job in a year or two. What kind of job could he possibly get with no experience and no work history? Realistically, in this economy where high paying jobs are being eliminated, there are a lot more people far more qualified who are seeking jobs. What does your bf have to offer a potential employer? Nothing! He will never get a job because he has nothing to offer a potential employer. He's toast. He may as well just shoot himself now because all he will ever be is a leech on his parents, on you, his friends and ultimately the taxpayers because he won't get a job himself.

    It's high time for a reality check here. You need to be way more realistic about your future.

     
    Old 12-23-2009, 07:41 PM   #14
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    Re: When you can't decide where to live

    Redneon82, thanks for the clarification. I just wasn't sure if there was a better way to say what I want to say as far as where to live. I don't want to give up on him yet because I think he does want to get a job, but for some reason, isn't. He has said he wants to be able to support me financially in the future, I guess like a traditional husband, but I just would want him to pull his weight as far as the bills. Maybe it's not a concern to him now because it's not a significant issue at this very moment. I really don't know. I know he will work if he wants something...he got a job before and bought himself a new computer, which he sorely wanted.

    EagleRiverDee, sadly, there's really no one who he can depend on for a ride around here. Most of our friends live way out of town, and the ones who do not can't drive yet. And there's no bus service around here either. A taxi to, say, the mall (probably the nearest out-of-town place with a chance of employment) would easily cost about $50 one way and even with a job, I don't think he could afford that and be able to put away money to get his own car. I know he is not his parents' responsibility any more, but if they want him out of the house, I really wish they'd just let him take the car out of town. He's very good about keeping gas in the tank, or was when he was working anyway. We live in a very unfortunate area with slim pickings as far as transportation.

    Kszan...realistically, I'm not entirely sure. I imagine once I get out of grad school, my BF might join me in New York and we can have an apartment together. Or I might move back to the city, room with my friend and BF will hang out at home until he misses me too much and comes to live with me or his parents die and he gets their house. Or he will try and convince me to live in his parents' house when I graduate. I do think he will eventually get a job - it's not as if he has never had one. Au contraire, he's had several, so he does have a job history. He also has skills in landscaping, which he may or may not want to use since he hated being in the Job Corps.

    Marriage just seems like a turn-off right now because he and I disagree on so many things, not because he has no job at the moment. I'll wait and see what happens within the next couple of years...if I get into grad school, if I finish grad school, and where he'll be at that point. I love the guy and don't want to kick him to the curb; I truly think he has potential, but will not or cannot use it, and I want to try and help him find it and put it to use.

     
    Old 06-05-2010, 10:36 AM   #15
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    Smile Re: When you can't decide where to live

    I just have to answer this because reading your other posts you clearly have things going on for yourself.

    We have to be a good friend to ourselves before we can be a good friend to anyone else, such as having good healthy boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not, and openly speaking the truth about what we want and expect. Hinting at it is not being open. I bet you will never tell this guy that you expect more from him than playing like he has a life or kick him out. He might get mad and leave you if you make any true move toward change,s o I don't think you will ever pressure him.

    I think you accept that relationship because it requires nothing of you, and he keeps your interest with his romantic pretend stories of a fantasy wedding. The fairy tale is enough for you, because you don't really want a man that expects more from you than you expect from yourself, being a "lazy slob" (your words, not mine). You love comfort and the 'same ole', it seems more than you care about what is real.

    It seems that all you want from a man is to be like a comfy worn out chair that you can spill something on until it is so dirty and ratty you can throw it away without caring. Then you can blame it all on him, when in reality you helped enable him to be exactly as he is. What he is doing and not doing in this relationship is not love for you or even himself.

    A relationship is a dynamic. The dynamic is two people either pull each other down to a common level, or they expect more from themselves and they together reach for the stars, bring out the best in each other. You two are at a level that is comfortable to both of you, and neither of you expect or want more out of life, in spite of the fantasizing. It's like going to a movie and enjoying what you saw there is enough for you. Each of you.

    I think the problem here is that you don't take care of your own needs, and don't exercise self-control yourself so that you do feel good enough about yourself that you know that putting up with an motivated boyfriend is unacceptable. It seems very comfortable for you like it is, as he can't expect you to change or be different, either, and maybe the way things are you can feel justified to look down on him at least a a little, and feel in control (you can throw him out when you don't have the money to pay his way and blame him so you don't have to look like you are not a giving person).

    You called yourself a lazy slob. How very, very sad that you look at yourself that way, whether you are over weight or not! First, going to college and graduating proves you are far from lazy. It is very hard work! If you spend even half the time changing yourself from what you call "slob" that you spend dwelling on what your boyfriend doesn't do and asking how can you change him, your sense of self worth will turn around and you will "magically" be done putting up with any body's slovenly behavior. You will, like magic, expect more from a man than gaming and mooching off others' hard earned money. You will instantly not respect that in anyone, IF you take care of yourself! Like if you have been living in a messy place, clean it up! If you have not been eating right and exercising, find ways to begin doing it!

    Go to a discount store and find some clothes that enhance your looks. Dress better, Use make-up. Get your nails down. get a better hair style. These things YOU have control over. It will change how you feel about yourself. Overweight does not equal "slob". Skinny people can be slobs. I don't know what you weigh, just that only you can change how you feel about yourself by changing your own actions toward your own self.

    Just don't let yourself get pregnant while you are playing this waiting game with your life. You are developing life patterns. Time spent doing unworthy actions does matter. There is no "throw-away" time in life that does not lead to a life time of regret. That is a myth. You could easily get connected to this person for life with a child: and NO there is no way you can change him. Ever. He will always be exactly who he is, and probably will never even consider changing his actions until he experiences serious loss in life. He will always think his life depends on what others do or don't do FOR him. To even mention welfare cements the fact.

    Doing what you are doing just because you did it for four years already will not suddenly change for you, either, when you don't have the money to support him. You will keep on figuring out a reason to keep putting up with him, or you would stop doing it now. Either you will lower your standard of living to accommodate the bum, or you will get pregnant and become a bum yourself, perhaps mooching off welfare yourself. Reminder: welfare is OUR hard earned money. You will never pay enough in taxes to make up for taking what we have to pay for moochers (not blaming anyone that actually needs welfare...that is a different story).

    We should never blame people for flaws they are born with, such as how they look. But we should hold them accountable for what they CHOOSE to do with themselves. Who we choose for a life partner is a critical decision that should never be left to chance or sentimentalism like "well he is a nice person and doesn't hit me". If that's all you think is necessary for life, then be sure to get surgery so you don't ever bring a helpless innocent baby into this world.

    Who are you to question it? the person that is one half of the partnership! the person that could end up being a MOTHER. It certainly will not be comfortable to stand in welfare lines or to endure the pity or anger of those who watch you use food stamps, or working yourself to the bone just to come home and find the baby's diapers were not put in the pail if they were even changed, the house not clean and no dinner started, and a grumpy husband because you don't feel like having sex anymore.

    So the answer to your original question is

    We cannot change or motivate others. We can only change and motivate ourselves. The sooner we get this fact the sooner we like ourselves better. That is the only thing you can control in life, and the sooner you learn it the sooner your whole life will change for the better, because when you don't want something in your life you will say no to it all by yourself.


     
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